# What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000 "2002-11-21T19:35:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Violin\_D\_Ingrate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/898d66/32.png) [@Violin\_D\_Ingrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violin_D_Ingrate)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/161 "2003-02-13T20:01:55Z")
A friend from high school had this one: I’m an old man from Nantucket. I’m old, but I ain’t kicked the bucket. Don’t be a creep, Leave your name at the beep. If you don’t, well, then you can just f. . orget about anyone calling you back. ---
**Author:** ![Yumanite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b487fb/32.png) [@Yumanite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumanite)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/162 "2003-02-14T00:50:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GrandfatherTrout \* > \*\*We went for brevity this time. > > “Trout! > Boyfriend! > Not Home! > Beep!” \*\* I think that would be even funnier verbatim. 🙂 My friend’s machine, for a while (in a deadpan voice): \* "Welcome to the rabid monkey hotline. If a rabid monkey is currently clawing out your eyes, press 1. To hear about the latest rabies vaccinations, press 2. If you wish to speak to the next available rabid monkey representative, please leave your name and number after the beep." _beep_ \* ---
**Author:** ![IThinkNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ce73a5/32.png) [@IThinkNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IThinkNot)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/163 "2003-02-14T23:56:46Z")
Yumanite: \ ah, God, I’m cracking up ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/164 "2004-03-08T05:53:45Z")
I like this one incorperating Theodin’s quote in LOTR:TT Fell deeds await… Now for Wrath… Now for Ruin… and the Red Dawn…Forth Eorlingas! Leave your message at the beep! ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/165 "2004-03-08T20:12:23Z")
A friend of mine simply had “Answeringmachine” as text. No name, nothing. Since it was spoken in his usual, slightly lunatic kind of way, I thought it was awesome! As for TV answering machines, I liked the one Nick Knight one (you know, that Canadian police vampire story): “Either I’m in bed or don’t want to be disturbed… Or both!” And from this thread, I absolutely loved the one “I’m currently out, making a difference!” P.S.: Yet another ancient thread that tricked me. Damn, I _really, really_ need to check the timestamps ☹ ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/166 "2004-03-08T20:55:14Z")
I heard a cute one the other day. Two little kids, sounded like they were about 6 or 7 years old. “Hi, this is Jack” [_and in background_] “I’m Mitchell”. “Mummy and Daddy can’t come to the phone just now” [_and in background_] “We’ve tied them up under the stairs” [much giggling]. “But if you want to leave a message, wait for the beep…BEEEEEEEEEP” Pissed myself laughing I did. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/167 "2004-03-08T21:06:39Z")
You’ve reached Fuji. I might be here, but I screen my calls. You have exactly thirty seconds to justify why I should get up off the couch and answer your call. ---
**Author:** ![Teaira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9d8465/32.png) [@Teaira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teaira)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/168 "2004-03-08T21:45:00Z")
My boyfriend’s message… Phone rings a couple times. “Hello?” _pause for about 3-4 seconds_ “Haha, you suck. Not here right now so leave a message…” ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2004, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/169 "2004-03-09T10:43:04Z")
We got my wifes parents a new answering machine for a gift. when they were setting it up I BEGGED them to leave the first message they recorded. They wouldn’t, but it was classic. It went something like this. Mom: …ays to push and hold the record button until the light blinks. Dad: I did that. Mom: When the light blinks that means its recording. Dad: Which light? Mom: This light is blinking. Is that the one? Dad: I don’t know YOU have the book. Mom: Well dear I… BEEEEEEEP! ---
**Author:** ![Farmwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8dc957/32.png) [@Farmwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmwoman)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2004, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/170 "2004-03-09T12:36:15Z")
Our friends did the “If you’d like to leave a message for Ray, press 1 now. If you’d like to leave a message for Caroline, press 2 now.” many years ago before these call routing systems were ubiquitous. Great idea, except that Ray had never changed the call retrieval code on his answering machine, so the first befuddled person to actually follow the directions got to listen to all their incoming calls. His message went something like: “Uh, hi Ray. I called to let you know that we can’t make it to the restaurant til 7:30, and btw, your mom wants you to drive her cat to the vet next Tuesday, you stupid idjit.” ---
**Author:** ![bat312](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c77e96/32.png) [@bat312](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bat312)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2004, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/171 "2004-03-09T13:11:00Z")
(Steel drums) Thank you for calling Carnival Cruise Lines. There has never been a better time for a luxurious vacation to beautiful Haiti. Discounted travel executions are now available. Pay no attention to the truth less rumors of unrest, there has never been a better time for a luxurious vacation in beautiful Haiti… ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2004, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/172 "2004-03-09T23:44:02Z")
Old Message: Dog:scratch scratch WOOF! Current Message: Press 1 to be ignored by a human! Press 2 to be ignored by a machine! Press 3 to talk to the dog! Please press a number now! 10% of callers press a number [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=8)