That scene in Blazing Saddles where Clevon Little has arrived in the town and the folks aren’t happy about it. You know, the one where he pulls out his gun, holds it to his own head and says “Hold it! Next man makes a move, the n****r gets it!”
I laughed so hard through that whole scene that it sticks in my mind and the Funniest. Scene. EVAR. even 30 years later.
Actually, a couple days ago, my photography professor (an old-ish asian guy with really curly hair) told us a story about how he used to fight forest fires. Apparantly all the guys in his crew grew this big manly beards, so he decided to try too, but the best he could do was a Fu Manchu mustache. Because it kept blowing around in the wind, he started using mustache wax to wax it down. This worked until they got pretty close to a fire one day and his mustache melted to his face and had to be cut off by another firefighter.
I was about falling out of my chair laughing starting with the visualization of my professor with a Fu Manchu mustache, and picturing that in my head makes me giggle even now, nearly a week later.
The Rocketman vs Mole Man scene in Arrested Development. Oh my god, I have never laughed so hard in my life.
That mental image will haunt me until my dying day. 40 tons of moles…
Probably when I was a kid, watching the infamous “Ecky Thump” episode of The Goodies. It was the bagpipe-playing Scotsman that started it.
NOTE: possible TMI for this post since certain bodily functions are described with some detail…you have been warned
I do laugh every now and then while watching a movie or when conversing with friends. However, there are some incidents which excited the correct neurons in my brain to cause convulsive laughter and physical pain. These situations are the most entertaining for those who are there at the right time and place and I will try my best to re-create them in words.
Perhaps the most profane words I have ever heard spoken:
From ages 8 to 18, I played baseball every spring and summer. It wasn’t until I age 17 that I was coached by a man who did not have a son playing on the team. Instead, coach Dave had two lovely daughters one of whom attended high school with my long time (now ex but then current) girlfriend. Coaching baseball really gave some balance to Dave’s life I think…I never really asked him about this…but I had the distinct impression that it was therapeutic for him to have a break from living at home with three females (2 daughters and a wife). While Dave was with the team and away from the family, he was the most foul mouthed human being I have ever encountered. A couple of his memorable quotations:
“Fellas, my wife is in the mood for fuckin’ tonight so practice will end early this time.”
“Maaaaaan, somethin’ smells like a rotten pussy.” This was spoken when Dave walked into the dugout soon after one of my teammates idiotically pissed in the corner shortly before a game (on the road…at least he didn’t piss in our home dugout).
Okay…so those are kinda funny and I laughed a little bit at the time. One time, however, coach Dave said something that made me hurt from laughing…multiple times even years later! So here goes…
It was an afternoon game a on a hot July day in the summer of 2000. After 5 innings we were ahead by several runs but the opposing team rallied a bit in the 6th inning to catch up with us. During that rally, I felt kinda helpless in the centerfield position as our pitcher walked a couple batters and our left fielder, Aaron, dropped an easy fly ball that was hit directly to him. The bases were loaded and coach Dave walks out the mound to have a quick talk with our pitcher. On the very next pitch after Dave returned to the dugout, another ball was hit to Aaron in left field and he dropped another shallow fly ball that he was very much capable of catching. It didn’t make Aaron feel any better that the bases were loaded when he made his second error of the inning. So, two runs are scored on the play and Dave wisely decided to change pitchers since our starter had become fatigued and the dropped balls likely affected his composure as well.
Meanwhile, Aaron was having a tantrum in leftfield throwing his glove on the ground and yelling “I suck…I quit…take me out…I can’t catch…omigod I’ve never played so bad in my life.”
After handing the ball to the new pitcher to warm up, Dave walks from the mound to left field and nonchalantly says, “Shut up, Aaron…I got two mistakes at home but I’m not gonna quit fuckin’.”
At that point, I nearly lost it. I could barely stand I was laughing so hard. Most people could not hear what Dave said but I could hear it since I was nearby in center field. I had to keep my mouth covered with my glove for the rest of the inning to hide the fact that I was laughing so much. FWIW, Aaron stayed in the game and our team won.
The early morning tea (bag) party
I signed a three month lease to rent an apartment in Lexington, KY during this recent summer of 2006 just after I graduated college. The short term lease was beneficial since I knew I could be leaving the area soon upon gaining new employment. This was a 4-bedroom apartment that I shared with 3 other guys who were still in school taking summer classes. All 4 of us had just moved in; I had long been friends with one of the guys and the other two guys, Chris and Jared, I just met upon moving-in.
Chris was a party animal who frequently invited friends from Louisville to party on the weekends include the first weekend in June when 7 people (4 girls and 3 guys) came over to party at multiple nearby locations and then crash in our living room and in Chris’s room. Chris, two of the girls, and I partied within our apartment complex while the others party-hopped elsewhere and everybody was back in our apartment by 2am. At that point, a couple of our neighbors who were (we…still are) college football players came over to drink and socialize and see if they could score with one of the girls.
Among these people Chris invited, 4 were friends of his and the other 3 were friends of those friends include a girl became somewhat snotty and annoying. She bragged, according to Chris and his friends, about her sorority at her school and she also bragged that she had only been with one guy in her life that made her special…blah blah. I hadn’t really been around this girl (let’s call her Annoying Bitch…AB for short) for most of the evening but I got the impression that she had been irritating her own friends that night. AB was well inebriated by the time she returned to our apt for the night.
Our 4 bedroom apt also had 2 bathrooms. AB went into the bathroom on my side of the apt and decided to camp in there and chat with her long distance boyfriend for a while. Upon ending that conversation and exiting my bathroom, AB tried to steal the comforter off Jared’s bed before curling up to sleep on a recliner in the lving room, but he stopped her and let her use a sheet instead. AB passed out drunk in the chair in a somewhat awkward position with her head nearly hanging off the edge of the side. When I went to my bathroom to piss and brush my teeth, I was mildly annoyed to discover that AB had taken my towel off the rack and used it as a blanket and left it draped on my toilet with part of it in the water. I had just washed that towel and all.
By 4am, the visitors from Louisville had either fallen asleep in the living room or on the floor in Chris’s room. However, two football player neighbor friends, my roommate Jared, and I were still awake in the living room drinking and talking (somewhat softly since people were sleeping in the room). The lights were turned off but the television was still on.
I expressed my minor annoyance about AB’s act of leaving my towel draped on the toilet and Jared started talking about how she basically annoyed the piss out of several other people earlier that night/early morning. The one of the two neighbors/friends (I’ll call him Crazy Football Player Friend) walked over to me and smacked me on the chest and said, “yo Dog…check this ArchitectChore (insert my real life nickname).” Then, CFPF walked across the room to where AB lay. I could see the silhouette of his black cock as he dropped his shorts, and I started thinking ‘oh shit, he’s not really gonna…’
CFPF dick-whipped AB in the face and then tea-bagged her (i.e. place his scrotum on her open mouth). The three of us watching started giggling. Then, CFPF pulls up his shorts and walks back over to me and says, once again, “Check this out.”
I replied, “What are you gonna do now? Give her the Arabian goggles (i.e. one testicle draped into each eye socket)?”
CFPF said, “Oh, I’ll show you Arabian goggles.” Then, he walked back to AB who was still sound asleep after a night of drinking. The shorts descended once again and CFPF positioned his nuts over AB’s eyes and his ass over the top of her nose. He expelled intestinal gases and the four of us fell on the floor in fits of painful laughter.
Jared and I went to bed and our neighbors left about 5:30am.
That same morning: a golden shower
Everyone in the apartment woke up to Jared yelling at about 8:30am that morning.
“YOU ALL BETTER WAKE UP BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO KILL THIS MOTHER******.”
Jared woke up and was startled when he realized he was soaked. But then, he really lost it when he saw a guy (one of Chris’s friends of a friend) with unzipped pants lying on the floor next to his bed. Apparently, this guy had got up at some point and tried to find the bathroom in the dark while still drunk and ended up pissing directly on Jared’s bed with Jared sleeping on that bed.
Suffice it to say that that guy had an extremely unpleasant day: the girls who brought him the night before took him to the hospital to get stitches on his face. Jared got in several good punches before some of us got up and separated them.
Having your face punched in during a fresh hangover must be an extremely unpleasant feeling <shudder>.
That incident was dramatic initially, but hilarious later on.
I have a couple more but I need a break from typing.
I had a classmate whose sense of humor was a tad slow, let’s call him Nacho (it’s not his name). For other things his brain worked at normal speeds, it was just that particular clump of cells. He also had an incredibly contagious laughter. One day the teacher said something to a student, the student gave him a witty reply, there were some sniggers, the teacher gave us some work to do while he graded reports.
After about five minutes of silence, Nacho snorts. Then he starts giggling, then laughing, then he falls on the floor, desk and all (it was one of those where there’s a bar joining the chair to the desk), keeps laughing ever harder.
We started laughing just looking at him, even the teacher. Every time we managed to almost stop, Nacho would start again and then we’d start again and…
Notice that this was one of the biggest guys in the school: a guy that’s over 6’ and built like a cupboard, giggling like a 5yo, is funny enough by itself even when he’s not attempting to roll on the floor with a desk attached to his hip.
Some bits in Space Troopers* related so well to my own experience as a female teen meeting guys who were on the first leave of their military service that I ended up reading it lying on the floor. I couldn’t fall down again, that way, nowhere to fall down to!
*The book, of course, there was some mild pr0n by that name but it’s absolutely unrelated and anybody involved in its making should be subject to the kind of treatment the Spanish Inquisition always gets blamed for, as if they’d invented it or something…
I’ve had so many good laughs in church, you’d think I’d like it better…
The best sermon I ever heard was entitled, “Jonah and His Three Boners”. The preacher evidently did not know all the definitions of his new favorite word, but he used it liberally throughout the sermon in such jewels as, “Jonah’s first boner was when he decided to disobey God.” My brother and I were only young teenagers at the time, and utterly powerless to control ourselves in the presence of such comedy gold. By the end of the service, we were literally rolling about and kicking our feet in paroxysms of laughter. Our mother, who found it equally hilarious, had buried her face in her hands as her whole body shook. It didn’t help any of us when “the whale belched Jonah onto the shore”.
As we weakly left the church that day, wiping the tears from our eyes, my mother said to one of the ladies, “Thank you for having us today; we really enjoyed it.” Said the lady, “So I noticed.” :dubious:
MaddyStrut and Dung Beetle, you got the Church Giggles! It’s funny how church can do that to you, magnify something tiny until you risk herniating yourself from keeping the laughter in.
When I was in high school, my best friend and I went to church together one Saturday evening, and we got the worst case of the Church Giggles I’ve ever had. I can’t even remember what set them off, except that it was during the time when the priest was giving his homily. He was talking about a parishioner who had recently died, and my best friend tried to disguise her laughter by pretending she was trying not to cry (as though she had known the recently departed), which made me laugh even harder…oh, it was bad.
I just watched the unrated widescreen DVD of The 40-year-old Virgin. I swear, I haven’t laughed that hard in many years.
“*Bob Marley? His partner Bob Marley??” Then, in a spot-on Jamaican accent: “Scoooooge! Scrooooooge! No woman, no cry!”
I also laughed my ass off in the movie theater at Dirty Rotten Scoundrels: “Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!”
I laughed so hard I fell off the couch. (Scrooge’s partner was Jacob Marley, of course.)
I think the reason my best friends and I are best friends is because we are all ridiculous. Almost all of our often-occuring gut-busting laughing sessions come from things we say. I can never remember these except when something else reminds me of it. But there have been too many to count. Laughing that hard is honestly probably my favorite thing in the world. Mainly we just insult each other or someone stays something stupid and we all pile on in the laughter.
But a few outwardly inspired ones deal with my best friend, we’ll call her Sara (not her name). Sara and I pretty much share the same brain; it’s sick. The first time we saw 40 Year Old Virgin, we were watching it with her parents (who are like my 2nd parents). Earlier that month, she had visited me down at school and met some of my crazy guy friends who make up interesting categories for the drinking game Circle of Death. One when she was there involved sex positions and the boys used all those gross ones like Dirty Sanchez etc. So when the scene when Mooj is telling Andy “like isn’t all about…(insert dirty stuff here)” we looked at her parents and seriously almost died laughing. And her parents being all “wtf” added to it and we could not stop laughing because the guys had defined all of them for us and they were disguting/wrong/funny. We still crack up at that whole movie. Same with Anchorman and all the stupid things the characters say. The whole Sex Panther cologne thing and the stupid crap Brick says…I may like serious movies, but damn those are funny!
Another was just this past weekend. She came up and stayed at my apartment for a few days. We were up late, drunk, trying to be quiet because my roommate was sleeping. She was on my computer on MySpace, and accidentally clicked on one of the featured videos on the homepage. It was a purple hippo dancing to the thong song. It was the most stupid thing I’ve ever seen, but holy shit we started giggling and then it escalated into the silent shakes because we didn’t want my roommate to get pissed. We watched the video four times in a row and laughed harder each time. That was mainly because of alcohol but I could not breathe. The hippo’s face would make us laugh harder, then he’d flip around and you could see his sumo thong thing…bwahaha. Just totally ridiculous.
And damn whoever posted the Golden Girls link, laughed so hard I choked on my cigarette smoke and started coughing. 
I love that show!
This is why I laugh so hard at blooper shows.
Another in the “had to be there” and “laughing while stoned” categories …
Many years ago, a bunch of my friends and I were sitting around at my good friend’s apartment getting high when we were siezed by the munchies. Unfortunately, the only food-like substance in the place was a bowl of dubious mixed candy from some past event, like years past Halloween … well, beggers can’t be choosers, so we each took a piece and started eating. My friend (let’s call him “D”) took what he thought was a gobstopper and becan to sucjk on it while talking.
Now, I love D to pieces, but when he gets high he inevitably begins to lecture and pontificate, never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise … D was doing this when we were eating this candy, when the guy he was talking to starts laughing, so hard he could not say why … then, D turns to me and asks “what’s his problem” and I started laughing just as hard …
The reason was this: whatever D was sucking on, it wasn’t candy (or at least normal candy). It stained his teeth and the inside of his mouth bright baby-blue.
I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, either … none of us could. Eventually, he says “this thing just doesn’t taste right” and spits the “candy” out - more hilarity. Then, he gets pissed off and wanders into the bathroom. We hear his exclamation “OH MY GOD!” as he discovers the horrible truth: his mouth was dyed blue, seemingly permanently. He siezed a toothbrush and brushed away, producing tons of blue foam - but his mouth stayed stubbornly blue. I had tears running down my cheeks. Actually, I was getting a bit worried that he may have seriously poisioned himself with whatever it was he was sucking on (we never did find out what it was) - but that didn’t stop the laughing. I laughed 'till I was sore, 'till I would have paid to stop laughing.
One of my Christmas presents this year was a copy of Noises Off!
I had utterly forgotten the third act, and by the end of the film was laughing so hard my head hurt.
Lessee…
Seeing Duck Soup at a revival theater when I was about 9. Especially the mirror scene and the street vendor scene.
An episode of Letterman from about 1988. Larry “Bud” was asked what he liked about going the the theater, and he proceeded to describe one of those coin-operated masturbation-booth places.
The “even if they do say Jehova” line from Life of Brian and the pandemonium that ensued.
The “Germans” episode of Fawlty Towers, esp. the line “Yes you did, you invaded Poland”.
The scene on Seinfeld in the diner where Jerry and George are pretending they haven’t seen each other since high school and proceed to rip on each other.
The “Uncle Fucka” song from the South Park movie.
This is absolutely one of the funniest movies I have EVER seen. The part where
Chris Reeve slips and falls backstage just as he is supposed to deliver the offstage cue to Carol Burnett, and she has to cover by throwing things around on the set
kills me every time!
In no particular order are a few moments.
I saw There’s Something about Mary in the theater. A lot of things were funny, but both parts with the dog made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. My date almost peed her pants. “Is that little old you making all that big noise?”
The Sarge’s outtakes that I saw on a friend’s DVD of Red vs. Blue, a machinima series made with the Halo/Halo 2 games, had me laughing so hard that I had trouble breathing. The funniest thing about them was that the guy did them in-character, and the character is already darn funny.
“This shotgun has too many bullets, so I want you to hold some for me . . . <blam> in yer belly!”
“Could you look down the barrel and see if this thing’s clogged.”
<sigh>“I’m not going to look down the barrel of your shotgun, Sarge.”
<click, click, click>“Then I guess asking you to check the barrels of this rocket launcher is probably out of the question.”
The much-referenced Horror of Blimps post by Scylla on this board is definitely a standout, as is the one with the goat, and a few of Master Wang-Ka’s stories are up there.
There are a lot of “you had to be there” moments that had me rolling too. I also seem to be the instigator for a few borderline pants-wetting incidents among my friends. One of my buddies finds me particularly hilarious at times. My brand of humor, sarcastic ire and Carlinesque rants, seems to hit him just right. Even though it’s in bad taste, I sometimes laugh at my own jokes.
Oh goodness… the blimp! ROFLMFAO
