Or comic actors, which is what I’d expect in a comedy.
Sounds reasonable.
As a kid, I found Mr. Rogers talked and moved too slowly, and the whole show’s glacial pace was tough for an active kid like myself to sit through.
And of course Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood is among the many TV shows watched by Chance.
I just realized that the premise of this thread is that we’re helping the OP torture children.
I’m not even into the modern day “Masterpiece Theatre”, with one exception, and of course that’s when they aired the “Downton Abbey” series.
They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? I couldn’t figure out as a young teen.
Has anyone mentioned Das Boot?
When I was in middle school our band director was out for a few days, so the substitute had us watch The Music Man. We all hated it. And my mom was just shocked that I didn’t like it because she considered it to be a good movie (and I would likely feel different about it if I rewatched it as an adult)
My Dinner with Andre was the first film that I thought of though I am not sure I would classify it as mainstream exactly.
So my vote goes for Broadcast News which is definitely a mainstream 80s drama and an excellent film which I suspect would bore the average child since most of it is essentially about media ethics and doesn’t make much sense if you don’t have some basic media literacy.
Another one might be Tenet which is baffling enough for the adult viewer but would probably leave the average child utterly bewildered.
Finally what about an old-time very talky film like the Philadelphia Story?
I haven’t seen it mentioned yet, so I’ll go with The Thin Red Line. It’s almost 3 hours long, and the trailer was incredibly misleading. I went in thinking it was going to be an alternative to Saving Private Ryan, since both had similar marketing. I was of course completely wrong. To this day it’s the only movie in which I’ve walked out of the theater during the middle of the show. I eventually watched the whole thing later, only to find out I didn’t miss anything by skipping the second half of the movie when I left the theater.
ETA. I was 21 when it came out. If I couldn’t sit through it at 21, I can just imagine what it it would be like for a little kid.
A bunch of 70’s sci fi films:
Logan’s Run
Phase IV
Silent Running
Solaris
Soylent Green
Hud and Giant. Those things are interminable. And even though it’s beloved here, I’ll add Marty. Yawn to all three 
I nominate Paint Your Wagon. A Western, a musical, and loooong.
When I was a kid in Spirit Lake, Idaho they held a Halloween get together for all the kids in the Community Center. They promised hot dogs, side dishes and candy, and monster movies on an old reel-to-reel. Imagine 60-70 kids sitting on blankets and sleeping bags, the lights dimmed and the first movie all set up and ready to go. We were ready for Frankenstein, Dracula, werewolves, Vincent Price..just about anything.
The first movie was David And Lisa, a 1962 proto-emo starring Keir Dullea and Janet Margolin as two young kids with slight psychological problems, and absolutely no action or suspense whatsoever. We waited and waited for something, anything to happen, and something finally did.
The few kids that didn’t fall asleep went home, and the next movie (if there ever was one) was never shown.
I just watched Silent Running a few days ago. It has three small, cute robots (read: children) bopping along. There are bunnies munching happily on the grass. It has ecology songs by Joan Baez. Bruce Dern is sad throughout the movie.
I think kids might enjoy it.
I remember catching that one on TV many years ago (but when I was no longer a kid). I thought it was a reasonably good movie for what it was, taken on its own terms. But yeah, absolutely, what it was, was decidedly not a Halloween movie or a movie for kids. Puzzling choice, to be sure, unless it was just the movie that was available at the time.
This reminds me of when I was a kid. We lived out in the country, 40 minutes drive away from the nearest town with a cinema, so we sometimes had movies screened at our village hall. Every week we’d all hear rumours that it might be Jaws or King Kong or Close Encounters, and every week it would be some weird documentary or something very much not kid-friendly. The one I particularly remember was the David Carradine movie The Silent Flute (aka Circle Of Iron). Booooooooring.
Well, for one data point, when “Das Boot” first came out as a mini-series on German TV, I was 12 and glued to the TV. It impressed me enormously.
I haven’t seen Das Boot, but I’m assuming the version available in America is in German with English subtitles. If we’re showing it to American children I suspect they will be turned off by having to read subtitles.
Maybe that’s actually a better nomination – not Das Boot, specifically, but any movie in a language foreign to the child it’s being shown to, with subtitles.