# What's the most difficult difference to get around in a relationship: a poll **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 2, 2010, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596 "2010-06-02T02:50:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/21 "2010-06-02T12:12:31Z")
I put other because the thread title says “in a relationship” so I answered as though the relationship had already been established whereas the actual question seems to be something like “What would put you off when _considering_ a relationship?” Next time I’ll remember to read the poll/OP… Anyway, for an already established relationship, I would say other: sexual incompatibility. For this question I would change my answer to age, either way. And some people say it matters less when you’re older (I’m not even 30), but I’ve seen the perspective of both the older half and the younger half, the younger half being close to my age, and there always seems to be such a fundamental difference between them that conflict is unavoidable. Maybe it’s different when you’re 45 and 60, I don’t know but, for now anyway, age is my answer. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/22 "2010-06-02T12:44:05Z")
I voted for ‘significantly less intelligent’, but the same goes for ‘significantly more intelligent’. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/23 "2010-06-02T13:02:58Z")
I put “15+ years older.” I don’t know if I could be with a 35 year old at 20. I have absolutely no qualms at all about being with a woman who’s less intelligent than I am. In fact, I’d probably prefer it. It would make me feel smarter. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/24 "2010-06-02T13:05:47Z")
I think **Whynot** is my SO posting on these boards. Everything she says applies to me (from the male perspective though). ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/25 "2010-06-02T13:36:22Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > I’ve just come out of an otherwise good relationship because he really liked the countryside and I am a die-hard city girl. I was abjectly miserable among the sheep and the tractors. Green Acres just wasn’t the place for you, huh? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/26 "2010-06-02T13:44:58Z")
> [@BigBertha](#): > > Being anti semitic is the only thing I can think of. Oh yeah, also being a scientologist. It would be alright if they hated black people or Poles or Chinese, just as long as they were down with Jews? ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/27 "2010-06-02T13:47:14Z")
Given the other poll that’s current going on I really want to say Species, but in reality I’d have to say an inability to compromise. You can have wildly divergent views on any of the listed options and as long as the two of you are able to work together to truly come to a compromise it can work. Every one of those differences makes it harder though and compromise is sometimes pretty hard to see (what do we do have 1/2 a kid?) ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/28 "2010-06-02T13:51:40Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > It would be alright if they hated black people or Poles or Chinese, just as long as they were down with Jews? I can imagine myself dating an anti-Semite. I couldn’t date someone who hated white people, though. Is **Bertha** a Jew? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/29 "2010-06-02T14:06:48Z")
Wanting children would be the biggest difficulty, though I wouldn’t really be trying to “get around it.” I’d consider it a complete incompatibility which means we would need to split up and find someone better suited. I married someone 10.5 years older. Eh. I married someone with a fundamental religious difference, though I later changed and matched his. Eh. I married someone from another class. Eh. I’m dating someone of another ethnicity. Eh. I married someone of a different income. Eh. I married someone significantly less formally educated. Eh. So, if not for the kids thing, it would probably be the intelligence thing. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/30 "2010-06-02T14:11:19Z")
> [@](#): > > Being anti semitic is the only thing I can think of. Oh yeah, also being a scientologist. Am I being whooshed here? Is this a joke? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/31 "2010-06-02T14:11:49Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I can imagine myself dating an anti-Semite. I couldn’t date someone who hated white people, though. Is **Bertha** a Jew? 😛 No idea. IIRC, she’s pretty good looking, though. ---
**Author:** ![ElectricZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58f4c7/32.png) [@ElectricZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElectricZ)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/32 "2010-06-02T14:21:31Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Wanting children would be the biggest difficulty, though I wouldn’t really be trying to “get around it.” I’d consider it a complete incompatibility which means we would need to split up and find someone better suited. Seconded. It’s been the biggest dealbreaker in my life, and resulted in having to walk away from a couple wonderful relationships. Sad, but you can’t have half a kid. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/33 "2010-06-02T14:49:31Z")
I see the bigness dealbreaker as ‘differing values of honesty and integrity’. If you don’t value those, in close to the same regard, as I do, then we’re going nowhere. With similar regard for those two things, I think there probably isn’t anything we can’t work through. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/34 "2010-06-02T14:56:56Z")
If they were significantly less intelligent than ME they’d be curled up and drooling, so I picked that one. My SO is significantly younger, significantly less educated (but I think just as smart), from a different culture, and makes a lot more money than me (I make none so it doesn’t take much!) and we have completely different religious beliefs (I have none). The cultural difference has been the biggest source of electricity in the relationship but it hasn’t been a major stumbling block. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/35 "2010-06-02T15:01:29Z")
Relationship is not gonna work if they expect something 100% different out of the relationship than I do. This is a bigger deal than anything else on the list. They want it to be a 24/7 BDSM master/slave relationship? I’m out. They want me to be their partner on the side while they are married to someone else? I’m out. He’s a man who wants a very traditional relationship where he works and I cook? I’m out! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/36 "2010-06-02T15:10:35Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > They want it to be a 24/7 BDSM master/slave relationship? I’m out. Shucks. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/37 "2010-06-02T15:12:03Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Shucks. ☹ I’m sorry to let you know this way, but we both knew it was never going to work for us! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/38 "2010-06-02T15:12:36Z")
> [@Negative\_Lite](#): > > I think ideas and opinion about children, money, and housekeeping are more important potential dealbreakers than opinions about mythological entities. To the OP: Are you asking for actual dealbreakers, or dealbreakers _before_ getting into the relationship? Before I was actually married, I thought that being of similar age and intelligence we monumentally important; however, in practice, I’ve found the above to be absolutely true. Usually the age and religion can help you weed people out at the start. But when you get into the nitty gritty of everyday life with someone, in my experience, it’s details like these that can really cause hard feelings. Having kids has caused the biggest strain on our marriage, even though we agree in most respects about how we want to raise them. It’s the everyday details that really get you hung up and, if we didn’t have a stronger relationship, we would probably be divorced by now. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9de0a6/32.png) [@Electric\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/39 "2010-06-02T15:15:45Z")
Toss-up between intelligence and religion, but I went with religion in the end–though really, someone who is deeply religious in a way that would clash with my life would likely not be in a relationship with me. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596/40 "2010-06-02T15:15:47Z")
I chose “background - difference in religion” because my last relationship ended for that reason. He was a Jehovah’s Witness and I am an ex-mormon/now atheist. This is a cautionary tale for all of you: Atheist and JW do _not_ mix. Trust me, just don’t even try. :rolleyes: Generally speaking, my dealbreakers are like this: •addiction •adultery/cheating •abuse in any form •devout religiosity •chronic dishonesty • (ETA) men with children. I do not want them. I do not want to play stepmommy. I am not interested in children. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-most-difficult-difference-to-get-around-in-a-relationship-a-poll/541596.md?page=3)