# What's the oldest joke you know? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 14, 2005, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534 "2005-07-14T17:21:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/21 "2005-07-15T02:52:47Z")
I believe it was a [pun](http://www.engl.virginia.edu/OE/Beowulf.Readings/wave/beo07p.wav)… I suppose you could see it coming, with the dude’s name being _Shield_ and all… ---
**Author:** ![Rock\_n\_Roach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Rock\_n\_Roach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rock_n_Roach)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/22 "2005-07-15T03:39:05Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I believe it was a [pun](http://www.engl.virginia.edu/OE/Beowulf.Readings/wave/beo07p.wav)… I suppose you could see it coming, with the dude’s name being _Shield_ and all… I seen it all the way. The inflection in his voice gave it away. (did I miss something?) ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/23 "2005-07-15T03:59:58Z")
> [@Can Handle the Truth](#): > > Late 1970’s: > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs? > A: Chester > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who’s nailed to a wall? > A: Art > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who’s in a swimming pool? > A: Bob Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski? A: Skip Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? A: Matt ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/24 "2005-07-15T04:07:34Z")
From my mother’s high school year book (1935, about): Little Audrey’s father told her about the biggest bed he had ever seen, 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew that was a lot of bunk! Right. Old, but not funny. ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/25 "2005-07-15T04:11:25Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski? > A: Skip > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? > A: Matt Q: What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? A: Eileen > [@Civil Guy](#): > > Little Audrey’s father told her about the biggest bed he had ever seen, 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew that was a lot of bunk! Silly Sally was walking in the woods and a squirrel ran up her skirt. Silly Sally just laughed and laughed, because she knew she didn’t have any nuts. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/26 "2005-07-15T04:19:07Z")
AHunter3, Bwah ha ha! That’s rich. Here’s a goodie, and even older: “κἀγὼ δέ σοι λέγω ὅτι σὺ εἶ Πέτρος, καὶ ἐπὶ ταύτῃ τῇ πέτρᾳ οἰκοδομήσω μου τὴν ἐκκλησίαν, καὶ πύλαι ἅ|δου οὐ κατισχύσουσιν αὐτῆς.” Matt. 16:18. Hey, Rocky! ---
**Author:** ![Gorgonzola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e480ec/32.png) [@Gorgonzola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgonzola)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/27 "2005-07-15T04:21:20Z")
A drunk calls for the bartender. “Do lemons have feathers?” he slurs. The bartender shakes his head. “Well, then, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink.” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/28 "2005-07-15T04:23:30Z")
The Parson has come to call so Johnny’s parents chase him out to watch the barnyard animals. He rushes in a few minutes later and shouts, " The black bull is screwing the red heifer!" Mother grimaces and guides Johnny back outside. A little while later he bursts in hollering, “The black bull is screwing the white heifer!” Mother grabs him by the ear and leads him to the kitchen. “We don’t use the word ‘screw’ in polite conversation. Instead why don’t you say that the bull ‘surprised’ the heifer?” Johnny goes outside, but before too long he’s back inside yelling, “The black bull surprised the white heifer!” Indulging him, the Parson asks, “How did her surprise her, John?” “He’s screwing the red heifer again!” ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/29 "2005-07-15T04:27:48Z")
Adam to Eve after being kicked out of the Garden of Eden: “What the fuck do we do now?” 😛😛😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/30 "2005-07-15T04:35:34Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > In small town Illinois, kids had a sick sense of humor. A few I can remember from when I was about 8 years old: > > “Can Johnny come out to play?” > “You know Johnny doesn’t have any arms or legs.” > “I know. We want to use him for third base.” > > “Mommy, why I am walking in circles.” > “Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.” > (I can’t believe I still remember these little morbid jokes, but they were big hits with my neighborhood buddies back then. I remember a few more, but they are probably too gross to be repeated here, lest you all think I grew up in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s neighborhood.) Oh, the “shut up, kid” jokes ( as we knew 'em) “But Mommy, I hate little brother!” “Shut up kid, you’ll eat what I cook.” ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/31 "2005-07-15T06:58:48Z")
“Mommy, mommy! Daddy’s on fire!” “Quick! Get the marshmallows!” ---
**Author:** ![Antonius\_Block](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/51bf81/32.png) [@Antonius\_Block](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antonius_Block)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/32 "2005-07-15T07:01:56Z")
> [@Hilarity N. Suze](#): > > “But Mommy, I hate little brother!” > “Shut up kid, you’ll eat what I cook.” Or, as I learned it: “Mommy, mommy I can’t stand Grandma’s guts!” “Leave them on the side of the plate, then.” ---
**Author:** ![Spiratu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@Spiratu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiratu)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/33 "2005-07-15T13:55:02Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski? > A: Skip > > Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? > A: Matt Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in a ditch? A: Phil ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/34 "2005-07-15T14:01:00Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > Well, I’m well out of higfh school and I still don’t get it. 😕 > [@](#): > > My grammy would tell this joke. I didn’t get it until high school. > > Shorty and Dapper Dan were arguing over who would get to court Miss Janie. Now Shorty was a dirt farmer, with old torn clothes, just a little runt of a guy and quite ugly but Miss Janie didn’t want to hurt his feelings by choosing the much taller, and better dressed, Dapper Dan. So Miss Janie says that she’ll choose whichever man wins a footrace Sunday after service. (She was thinking that Dapper Dan would win 'cause he had much longer legs than Shorty.) > > So, come Sunday, the men (in front of the whole congregation) decided to race around the church yard three times, whoever crossed the finish line first would win Miss Janie. So off they run. When Dapper Dan starts to take the lead, Miss Janie gets excited and starts yelling and jumping up and down, cheering him on. Well Shorty pushes for all he’s worth and is absolutely running out of his old torn clothes. About halfway through the last lap, Shorty’s pants just fall away and he’s running butt naked around the church yard. Seeing this, the congregation gets deathly quiet. And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, “Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!” Once he lost his pants, Miss Janie was very impressed with Shorty’s ummmm… hidden attributes. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/35 "2005-07-15T14:09:02Z")
The oldest joke I know is one which was written in the margins of one of Leonardo Da Vinci’s notebooks: > [@](#): > > A woman was washing clothes, and her feet were very red with cold. A priest who was passing by asked her in amazement whence came the redness and the woman replied that it was the result of the fire she had burning below. Then the priest seized that part of his being wthat was responsible for his being a priest and not a nun and drawing close to her, with a sweet and soft voice, begged her to be so kind as to light his candle for him. Not exactly a knee-slapper today, but I’m sure they must have found it funny at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/36 "2005-07-15T14:24:21Z")
Well, these are the oldest jokes I remember… Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. (pronounced as 'you (s)'neak up on it) Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way, unique up on it. Q: What is a wok? A: It’s a fing you fwow at a wabbit. A joke kids just love: Q: What’s green and hangs from jungle trees? A: Elephant snot. And my favourite joke as a youngling: Q: What sits in a tree and smokes? A: A stove. Q: A stove? A: It’s my stove, and I’ll do what I like with it! Plus, while we’re on the theme… Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? A: Russell. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? A: Matt. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep, ringing your doorbell? A: Dick. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/37 "2005-07-15T14:49:16Z")
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a cash register? Penny. Did you hear about the guy who named his legless dog “Cigarette”?" Every now and then, he’d take him for a drag. ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/38 "2005-07-15T15:12:13Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > Did you hear about the guy who named his legless dog “Cigarette”?" > Every now and then, he’d take him for a drag. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming to you. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/39 "2005-07-15T15:20:19Z")
Where’s the best place to build a dress store? On the outskirts of town. I tell, ya I still keep 'em rolling in the aisles with that one. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2005, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534/40 "2005-07-15T15:24:15Z")
The first joke I remember hearing is so old, I thought it was a bedtime story that my dad would tell me. Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot were walking through the cemetery one dark night. Foot fell into an open grave, and Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot didn’t know what happened to him. Foot-Foot wants to run so that they can get out of the cemetery as quickly as possible. Foot-Foot-Foot tells him they’d better be careful. ‘We’ve got one Foot in the grave already!’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-oldest-joke-you-know/312534.md?page=3)