What's the one thing you wish somebody had told you about parenting an infant?

In My Humble Opinion
41

All the lists you see for things to buy before the baby comes are marketing ploys. You don’t need 6 sleep sacks, 12 pairs of infant socks, 10 onesies, or infant shoes. Wait on the swing, visual or audio toys for the crib, any toy that isn’t soft and simple. Get to know your baby before you decide if you need these things.

Along these same lines, keep in mind that it doesn’t cost a fortune to care for an infant. Wipes? We used halves of paper towels and a squirt bottle of water. Baby slings? A large scarf/shawl will work just as well and you can fit it better.

Cutting out all the accoutrement forced on new parents can help you raise your baby more serenely. It certainly worked well for us, and even at 16 and 14 the kids are still pretty chill.

Have a great baby!

42

This, 1,000 times.

Also, there is no shame in a breastfed baby getting one bottle of formula once of twice a week from Daddy, so you can get some sleep.

If you nurse, drink LOTS of water. Nursing makes you thirsty. That’s one thing I wish someone had clued me into. When you sit down to nurse, have a glass of water-- and pee first.

Yup. Once, when the boychik was old enough to be eating a little cereal and fruit, Daddy got up with him and let me sleep, fed him, and gave him a bath, then dressed him in clothes that didn’t match at all. He was so proud of himself. It was his first time doing that much solo-- baby was about 4 1/2 months. I made a big fuss, thanked him profusely, took a picture of baby and Daddy cuddling, and said nothing about the outfit.

Here’s my advice (besides drinking the water): about three weeks before you are due, cook lots of food, and freeze it in one-serving portions that you can pop in the microwave. If friends offer to make food and bring it over, accept.

43

I personally found they got easier to manage once they passed 20. They should be made to spend teenage years in cryo stasis.

44

Breastfeeding is really fucking hard and evolution hasn’t worked out the kinks. Formula or pumping and bottle feeding is perfectly fine no matter what the breastfeeding fundamentalists tell you.

45

I wish someone had told me:

1. Don’t feel bad if the stuff you read in parenting books doesn’t work - most of the times the information contained within is a good place to start and that’s about it. Seriously, you read these childrearing books that are all chirpy and makes things sound so darned easy. “Just put your baby down while he/she is still awake!” and “Your baby needs to self-soothe!” and you feel TERRIBLE when it doesn’t work; you probably think you’re just doing it wrong. But you’re not.

They sound so chirpy and upbeat: “Baby has a cold and is running a fever? Well, just put her in a tepid bath!” Well, yeah, that’s easy, but you’re freaked out because your kid is sick and maybe they’re too young for Tylenol or it’s the middle of the night and you’re worried if you’re overreacting for even thinking of calling the pediatrician’s night line, then you’re dumping them in a tepid bath and they’re screaming their flipping heads off because they’re sick and you’re making them uncomfortable. Easy-peasy!

**2. You might not bond with your kid immediately and it doesn’t make you a bad person. **I had horrible childbirth experience with my first child - eclampsia then two week long migraine afterward, combined with a fussy kid who did not want me to sit down EVER. I felt horrible about it, but I didn’t like him. I would have done anything to protect him, but I really resented him at first. I didn’t begin to enjoy him until he was probably 4 weeks old. I still remember when the “switch” flipped and all of a sudden I was falling in love with the little bugger, but before that, it was all “fake it 'til you make it,” and sometimes that’s just what you have to do.

**3. Not to feel so damn guilty and to stop overthinking everything. ** Seriously, I felt terrible because I was working and my son was in daycare. Then I felt bad because I got mildly annoyed when he was sick (after my initial panic) because, darnit, I want to be reliable at work. And daycare had all these cutsie programs that they expected the parents to go to and I had to work sometimes instead, and I felt horrible about it. But sometimes you just have to prioritize this stuff, especially when they’re young enough not to notice.

Then if I was going out somewhere, it seemed so HARD because I could only leave when the stars aligned just right - I needed all this stuff and had to coordinate naptimes, getting-ready times, etc. With my daughter, I’d throw a couple of diapers and a baggie of wipes into a plastic bag and put it in my purse - instant diaper bag! If she was napping, I would plan to leave after and I’d feed her just before we left or toss a bottle in my bag, too, but other than that, if I needed to go, she slept in transit.

One last thing - I call my daughter, who is my second and youngest child, my “do-over” child. By the time we had her, we’d been through all the other stuff with #1 and didn’t have the energy or inclination to be so hard on ourselves anymore.

46

Same for other relatives, friends of the family and so forth. If someone says “mind introducing us again when he can have a conversation?” it doesn’t mean they think your baby is the horridest thing ever; they’re perfectly likely to end up being a favorite uncle. My nephews like my brother-their uncle because he doesn’t gush over them but he also doesn’t yell at them unless they’re, say, about to drop something on themselves: if he yells “stop” they freeze; when their more gushy but also more hysterical relatives yell “stop”, they turn around and start arguing.

47

**Are you planning on breastfeeding? **
Talk the process through with your husband and get up to speed on whats ‘normal’ and what’s not. I got home from work one day do find my wife really tired and grumpy and feeling sick. She had mastitis but was so run-down that she had missed the signs (and she was training as a lactation consultant at the time).

**Is there a local Post and/or Ante Natal Depression Support Group? **
Your Doc. or the hospital should be able to tell you, don’t be afraid to make contact and use 'em if you need 'em (a good one will have a support network for the new dad as well).

For probably the first 5 or 6 months of our first kids life it felt like I was pretty much only needed to change nappies, wash clothes and cook meals/do the housework. I didn’t really start to ‘bond’ with the Popelet until he was a bit older and was really starting to interact with the world around him (including me) and was less a full time job for my wife.

At some point the kid will suddenly become mobile and probably roll off a couch or something simillar - it happens, just make sure it doesn’t happen on something too high :o and put lots of padding around. You’ll probably feel like you’re the most neglectful parent around, you’re not (and babies are suprisingly tough).

This may or may not apply: I have a really good relationship with my parents but the way they raised me 40 years ago (and I think they did a really good job overall) is very different to how kids are raised today. As an example: we don’t spank our kids - they did and we used to get a good wallop if we got too far out of line - my parents had accept that if they were going to babysit, our way of doing things was how it was to be done, not their 40 year old methods.

Getting them to realise that doing things our way didn’t mean we thought they did a bad job as parents or should be taken of criticism of them was a bit of a job.

48

One thing Mrs Piper discovered when the Piper Cub came along is that lifting him out of the crib put a lot of stress on her wrists, to the point that she eventually had to go to a physio and get braces for each wrist to deal with strain. She was surprised to hear from other new moms that they had the same issue. It’s not something she’d read about in any of the prep books.

Now, she advises expecting moms to get a couple of three pound barbells and do wrist curls in the months leading up to the birth, to strengthen the wrists.

Something I wish someone had warned me about was the mass of papers and reports that you accumulate at the hospital. It tends to be dad’s job to look after it all, and make sure it all comes home. I’ve started giving a plastic portfolio to dads-to-be shortly before the due date, for them to take to the hospital and collect all the papers. :slight_smile:

49

One of the best pieces of advice we got from an experienced neo-natal nurse was that there are six things that cause newborns to cry:

  1. Too hot;
  2. Too cold;
  3. Hungry;
  4. Gassy and needs burping;
  5. Needs diaper changed;
  6. Needs to go to sleep.

When the Cub was crying, we would go through that list of six things, and almost always we were able to find what was the issue, fix it, and he would stop crying. Thanks, Nurse Patty!

50

It does indeed become impossible for some women. For everyone, it takes a little practice. Even I with multiple-baby nursing experience, had to re- get the hang of it with a newborn each time. Make sure you line up their mouth with the nipple. Watch yourself in the mirror.

51

All of the above, absolutely. Of particular pertinence to me:

  • babies sleep in hospital, and hospitals are really noisy places. We have never been quiet around either of our children, they learnt to sleep in noise. It has paid off time and time again (they’re now 2 and 7). For that matter, when they were tiny and eminently portable we used to take them to friends’ houses - our only remaining social life for a while. This has taught them to sleep almost anywhere too. It’s a trick like any other (it may work for you, it may not) but if you can manage it, it will make your life long term infinitely better. I’ve never had to get home in time for my child’s nap, I’ve always just made them up a bed in a corner somewhere or borrowed a spare room.

  • I agree entirely that the love thing will happen, but not necessarily straight away. With my first, I had a powerful instinct to protect her, but I honestly didn’t feel it, the thing you’re ‘supposed’ to feel. It came and fairly soon. I’m not over-keen on brandnewborns, but I could take care of every four month old on the planet without a hesitation. With my second I had an easier pregnancy, an easier labour and fell in love with her before she was born. She’s mine, all mine. It just happens differently sometimes I guess.

  • I wanted badly to breastfeed both of them. The first was majorly tongue-tied, and I was very ill after she was born. She screamed every time I attempted to feed her at all. They took her away from me the first night in hospital and gave her a bottle, and I never breastfed her once. Shitty, but there you go. We got past it. With the second, we tried and tried and tried and she just didn’t thrive. So, I didn’t get to do it with her either. Don’t let anyone (including the voice inside your own head) make you feel bad about any decisions you make, or have to make, in this.

Generally, though, research and have an idea of what your feelings are about the big childcare topics, but always bear in mind my husband’s final thought on infant care: no battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.

52

Good stuff. Here’s my one tip: try playing the drums on your baby’s butt to get them to sleep! Seriously! With our first, he’d be on my left arm, with my hand cradling his tush - easy to use both hands and bongo out a light rhythm to accompanying my 3am, monosyllabic sing-grunting (I was tired, dammit). He’d fall asleep within 5 minutes, consistently.

53

Just to provide another perspective on the breastfeeding thing: you and your baby may find it really easy. I have, with both of mine. If you don’t, as other people have said, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about formula or combined feeding - but I just didn’t want you to think that breastfeeding is always an incredibly difficult, complicated thing. For some people, it genuinely is almost as simple as sticking a boob in the baby’s mouth.

Like so many other things about babies, it really is down to luck. And, like with so many other things about babies, the really important thing isn’t whether you end up breastfeeding or bottle-feeding - the most important thing is refusing to fall into the trap of thinking that, if this doesn’t go the way you want it to, it must be because you’re doing something wrong. (The same goes for sleep. Some babies are sleepers, some aren’t. If yours isn’t, it’s not because you’re doing it all wrong.)

54

Changing diapers: Baby boys have GREAT aim! Then it’s all downhill from there.

55

For things like feeding a newborn, it varies, both of my sons ate every three hours from almost the first week, except for some evenings when they would load up and eat more. Each kid is different though. My oldest son was ravenous when he ate. He would gulp down his bottle and constantly collapse the nipple. My oldest eats a bit more slowly, and with less vigor.

Both of my sons can sleep in pretty noisy places, and my two month old sleeps well with the TV on at a reasonable volume and us talking at a conversational tone.

I learned from the first one, that whatever weird crappy phase they were going through, that it will be over in less than a month, and it will get better and there will be some new annoying thing to get worried about.

56

Glad to share some of what we’ve learned, but I will say that nothing works for everyone!

My wife and I did rotations. 2 nights “on” and 2 nights “off”. It worked wonderfully for us. That second night was sometimes rough, but knowing you were getting two nights of relatively uninterrupted sleep coming up got me through many nights!

Second piece of advice, get one of the American Academy of Pediatricians books; Your Baby’s First Year or Caring for Your Baby and Young Child. This is your reference for development and ailments/illnesses. ONLY this! Never look on the internet to answer these questions. Make sure you and your partner agree on this. It will save tons of worry and arguments.

57
  1. Unless the baby is crying because of needing food have your husband learn how to get the baby to fall asleep. Because the baby gets used to your way, it feels different with the father. The worst thing is for the baby to really cry, and then the father gives the baby back to the mother. This teaches the baby that only mommy will do.

Since we don’t have the right equipment for breast feeding, fathers find creative ways of getting the baby to sleep. I lost 10 lbs walking the baby around the block for a couple of hours each night to give my wife some much-needed sleep.

  1. When you are completely stressed out, your baby is screaming in public and an elder lady comes up and tells you to enjoy every minute, because it goes so quickly, it’s OK to spit on them.

  2. The baby stage does go quickly. It doesn’t mean you have to enjoy each second, though.

  3. Having a baby means that anyone who have ever reproduced, and 93% of those who haven’t are experts, and are quickly ready to tell you what you are doing wrong. Ignore them.

  4. Your mother-in-law does everything exactly wrong. But that’s OK, your husband turned out OK.

  5. The Taiwanese have an expression, for the first baby, you read lots of books (to help you learn) for the second, you just feed them like a pig.

Less literally translated: unless you are batshit crazy, nothing you do to your infant is going to cause any kind of lasting harm.

  1. Last and not least, all advice, including these points may not work for you and your baby. Don’t worry.
58

I’d modify this a bit: expect to feed the baby about every two hours, certainly. But, as with everything else you have to do with a kid, you gotta be flexible. If you feed on a strict two-hour schedule, you’re teaching the baby to be hungry every two hours, and that’s a cycle you’ll have a hard time breaking. Figure that she’ll be hungry about every two hours, but it may be half an hour, or it may be four hours, you just never know. Feed her until she’s full and satisfied, and then wait for her to get hungry again.

Also, like Patton Oswalt said, “by the way, your parents loved you, and they completely screwed up. I’m screwing up, I’m sure, but I’m reading the latest books, and I’m sure they’re all wrong.” There’s no way to get everything right, just do your best and trust your instincts.

Final thought, which has been covered: babies are jerks.

59

Any of you guys have some advice on how to handle the grandparents? Specifically my mom - who I love and who is going to keep him when I go to work for free, so obviously that is not a boat I want to rock. Obviously I survived her tender ministrations, but that was 34 years ago and a lot has changed - I’m not worried about the stuff I know has changed, I can tell her he has to go on his back to sleep, you know? I’m worried about the stuff I have no idea is different.

Is it offensive to give her a book? (Surely at least a medical-ish reference book wouldn’t be taken amiss.)

I know I am getting one hell of a sweetheart deal here. I have no idea how we’d afford daycare if we didn’t have her there (and yes, I know anything could happen - we’re just crossing our fingers that it doesn’t. My husband would probably have to stay home. It would be awful.) She kept my half-brother’s horrible children when they were babies when I was in high school and I well remember how furious she’d be if my sister in law did something selfish like went home after work, took a shower, went to the grocery store before picking the kids up (because of course Mom had to do all these things with babies in tow.) Should we sit down with her before she has to start keeping them and talk about specific expectations? (Like, my husband gets off work about an hour before I do, but he works across town while I work much closer to them. Should he suck it up and pick Tater up or is it okay if I do it just a little bit later? etc.) How do I make sure she’s really open and honest about what’s okay, considering that she’s really excited about her first “real” grandchild? Does anybody have any suggestions about making sure this arrangement goes as smoothly as possible and that I don’t accidentally take advantage of my mom?

60

I have this exact situation, except both with my Mom and with my MiL (they split duties along with some outside daycare). The only real advice to a combination of “there are only a few ways to really mess up a baby” and “open and honest communication is almost always the best policy”.

What we did was, as a couple, come up with our list of non-negotiables. Basically things that either we personally felt very strongly about or that were clear and unambiguous safety issues (back sleeping for newborns, without blankets and stuff, for example). These were presented clearly as requirements, with a brief explanation of why.

As for the “not taking advantage” part , it’s still REALLY difficult. Both of our parents really want to help a ton, and we both work a lot, so it is difficult to determine where the line between them being helpful and us being selfish is. All I can say is to rely on your Mom to be honest with you about how she’s doing and what she would prefer. One thing would be to set a standard schedule, if your work permits, so that it doesn’t become “I’ll pick up the kid when I get to it”. Also keep in mind that feeding times and sleeping times are important markers - adding an extra meal to your Mom’s workload can be significant, especially if she didn’t expect it.

And say thank you a lot. :slight_smile:

ETA: I wouldn’t make your Mom read a book. YOU should read the book and then pass along anything that you feel strongly about.