What's the one thing you wish somebody had told you about parenting an infant?

In My Humble Opinion
81

That’s a great point. Although it actually happened a bit opposite with my MiL. She did great with the newborn/infant stage, but once our son started crawling/walking/running it got a bit tougher for her to keep up. So she cut down to one day a week and we try to time it when her husband is home as well if possible. When we have another infant she may go back to 2 days since they really do sleep a lot and aren’t as mobile.

But absolutely, have a backup plan and make it perfectly clear that while you appreciate the help your mom isn’t obligated to continue in a role that she can’t handle or that is making her sick/crazy/frustrated.

Also fully agree with the points about gifts and/or help to the caregiver.

And a great point Nava about making sure that the “non-primary” grandparents still feel involved and valued even if they aren’t making the same time commitment.

82

You know, it really hasn’t. There are some obvious things that have been mentioned; the advice about putting the baby to sleep on its back vs. stomach for one. But this was known when I had my first child over 20 years ago. My sisters were born just a few years before that (they’re your age). So between my mother and I, we’ve been bearing children from 1963 through 2004. Not to alarm anyone, but humans have been successfully reproducing for quite some time. In the time before mass-media, the company of one’s mothers, aunts and older sisters was where knowledge was transmitted. Things have been lost, like being able to confidently nurse an infant. You really do need some practice before you become competent, and having experienced former nursing mothers around helps you become so. It’s not an error in evolution, as has been suggested. (If your mom didn’t nurse you or your siblings, there’s La Leche League, which isn’t necessarily filled with nursing nazis. My experience with the group was completely beneficial.)

So unless one’s mother is advocating that carseats are unnecessary or it’s a good idea to potty-train at 6 months, I’d say give her a break and learn from her.

That’s my advice to a brand-new mother! :slight_smile:

83

Actually, when I was born carseats were not required at all. My mom insisted on taking me home from the hospital in one. My dad didn’t see the point, but Mom won on that one.

ETA - I think a ton has changed on the solid foods front too.

84

I think a little yes and no on this. There are still plenty of people who go right for the Gerber’s and rice cereal at six months, which would have been more in keeping with the way things were done when I myself was a baby.

There is definitely a growing group of parents who don’t do solids at all, if the baby is breastfeeding, for the first year. I vaguely planned to be one of those people, but then my daughter grabbed and devoured my corn muffin one day when she was about seven months old, so I figured, hey, she wants some food.

And of course with this, a lot of middle ground of people making their own baby food, which is pretty fun. I enjoyed it, but had no problem with going to supermarket food when we were on the road.

85

We had our babies in Japan and now live in Taiwan. The difference between what US doctors recommended 35 years ago and now pales in comparison to the differences between cultures.

And do you know what? Japanese and Taiwanese babies turn out fine, too.

86

Totally cuter, though. I can’t believe we’re going to be stuck with one of those ugly-ass Caucasian babies.

87

Zsofia, at some point in time, someone or other is going to give you every piece of parenting advice conceivable. And the newer the parent, the more full of advice they’ll be.

My piece of advice is to develop an excellent filter and enjoy this time. My wife and I were never as exhausted as everyone said, happy to be up as a family late at night, and both wish we could do it one more time.

(For the record, the best piece of advice we did get was to do our level best to get the babies a full feeding every time s/he ate. That made our lives much, much easier, and the babies seemed happier for it.)

88

Lots of good advice, especially the “calm, quiet feeding time at night” thing. Lights low, no stimulation of any kind - keep it different to daytime feeds.

And of course that won’t always work either. Nothing is guaranteed to work.

Baby wipes can be too harsh for tiny babies’ bums and some (but not all) babies will develop nappy rash purely because you’re using baby wipes. Some cotton buds (just looked it up and I think they’re cotton swabs in the US) and some water will clean the baby’s bum just fine. I mean, do you use wipes on your own bum every time you do a number two? You can also use those when out and about, because most baby changing rooms have a sink. Hell, even ordinary toilet roll and water are better than baby wipes.

Obviously some parents use baby wipes and they never have any problems, but they’re also bigger to carry around with you and cost more.

Baby wipes are, OTOH, really useful for cleaning up other messes.

Put a muslin (as in a square of old-fashioned nappy/diaper fabric, not a follower of Islam), or even a used babygro, or whatever, over the baby’s genitals while changing them, and you won’t get peed on. Do it as soon as you take the nappy off - it seems to be exposure to the air that makes the baby decide it’s a good time to pee. Applies to baby girls as well as boys, btw.

89

[QUOTE=UrbanRedNeck]

  1. Have a good washing machine and dryer. Your laundry load will double and you will have sudden messes over clothes or blankets that need to be thrown in immediately.
    [/QUOTE]

This!

We blew out the motor on our old washing machine in the first month of Piper Cub’s arrival. Had to get a new set on short notice.

90

One more thing: you’ve probably read advice saying to make lots of food before the birth is due, and freeze it so you don’t have to cook. This is a really good idea and also something that often happens naturally if you go into a manic nesting phase late in the pregnancy. I’d just add that you should make the foods easy to eat one-handed as much as possible; my daughter was a happy, non-crying baby as long as she was being held or fast asleep. Put her down wide-awake, and she wailed in terror. I did everything one-handed for eight weeks, which was the magic day she decided that being out of somebody’s arms was OK.

Didn’t have to be me holding her, but I was a single parent so it was mostly me, and there will be times when you are looking after the baby and your partner’s grabbing some much-needed sleep or out of whatever and you’re hungry. Knowing you can eat one-handed makes everything easier.

I could have just put her down and let her cry, and did so a few times, but holding her was that not onerous, and it worked, so I did that. Some people would advise against it for theoretical reasons. I ignored them, and you should ignore anyone too if they advise something that will make things harder for you. Just do whatever works for you and your baby; it will not necessarily be the same as what works for other people. And it won’t necessarily work for you a week later, either - you have to go with the flow a bit.

Have changing areas in each room you’re likely to use, or at least have one upstairs and one downstairs, with everything to hand; put everything out ready after you’ve changed the nappy, ready for next time. That’s the easiest time to do it, when the baby is changed and contented.

91

Not ncessarily – my brother and I both took about an hour each to be born start to finish, and slept through the night from birth. I think my mom has depression anyway, but at least we were on the easier side.

92

Ooh, I agree on the one-handed foods thing! But also highly recommend you play with some baby carriers and see what you like. Wraps and Ergos are big now. I hear Bjorns can kill your back. My husband and I (11" and 100 lb difference in size) were both able to use the same ring sling to carry the kids. It keeps your hands much freer. If you’re talented, you can even use the toilet while wearing your baby!

Re: homemade baby food. For the first kid, I bought a cute little grinder to make my own, but it was such a pain, I wound up using jarred food. For the second kid, here’s how I made my own baby food: eat a slice of pizza down to the crust, hand crust to baby. Much easier!

93

I consider my ex-wife to be a genius when it comes to raising kids, they love her, they mind her and they respect her. She had a daughter when we met. She made me raise and train a puppy before she would agree to have kids.

She grew up dirt poor in Mississippi and had to raise her siblings while her mother picked cotton. She always said the most importaqnt thing you will ever give a child is your time.

94

I came across this Huff Post article where the author talks about the “real” milestones of early babyhood.

I disagree with her point that the rolling over, taking first steps etc milestones aren’t important; they’re important for you as a parent, and if you want to share them on Facebook or whatever, then that’s up to you, and as a parent of an autistic child it was really helpful to have that baby book to refer back to when telling them at what age she could do what things. As a parent of a child, it’s still also really nice to look back and have those dates in my old handwriting bring back memories.

But yeah, these are some of the things that will probably happen to you. Your baby probably will roll off the changing table at some point (and be fine). Your baby will at some point create a shit that makes you wonder if you should call the health authorities. And no matter how wonderful and amazing and bright your baby is, even if you mix in circles that aren’t that competitive (like I did) you will meet a baby that is more advanced than yours.

And you will compare your baby to that other baby and find them wanting and then feel really, horribly bad about it. But that’s because this is not just a baby, it’s your baby, and it’s mostly you (at that stage) so you are judging you, and you are always the harshest judge of yourself. You will judge your baby; it is not a good thing to do, so you need to try not to, but don’t kid yourself that you’re never going to do it.

Hell, women even judge their birth, comparing it against others; that’s fine, we all compare ourselves all the time. View it like American Idol or something, where the judging really doesn’t matter.

95

This was my favorite thing to do.

There was more specific stuff I keep trying to type here but then backspaced over. Both my kids are nearly grown now and there isn’t any one specific thing I can think of that worked on both, every time, forever. Just make it up as you go. Practice remaining calm and save it for when they are learning to drive.

96

The best advice I got: the first six weeks are the hardest. Right around the six week mark, you’re ready to chuck the baby off the balcony, then he smiles at you and you realize it was all worth it.

You got a lot of great advice already, especially to smile and nod when everyone you know (and plenty of people you don’t know) give you advice and do what works for YOU.

Things that worked for me:

If you plan to breastfeed, try to go to one La Leche League meeting before baby is born. When you go back with baby, you’ll have already met the leaders, know where to go, etc. I made some of my best mom friends at LLL. There were certainly some boob nazis in my group, but also lots of more moderate moms.

I was a SAHM for six years, and I loved being part of a moms group. It can take effort to find your people. Try LLL, meetup.com, library story times, swim lessons, mommy and me classes, etc.

It can be very hard to go against the advice of someone who is a trusted expert. For me, that person was my MIL. She raised six kids and has helped raise some of her 12 grandkids. I love and respect her. I visited her when my older son was a few months old, and my MIL kept insisting that he wasn’t hungry, and that I shouldn’t nurse him yet. After a couple of long and painful days, I reminded myself that she hadn’t breastfed, and that my kid didn’t need to go three hours between feedings. And that it was ok for me to simply take the baby and feed him. She wasn’t about to disown me.

I loved babywearing! If you have friends who babywear, see if you can borrow a few different types of carriers to see what works best for you. Some of those suckers are crazy expensive.

Probably the worst “mistake” I see parents making is not caring for themselves and getting consumed by guilt. These next two are extreme examples, not the norm.

I know a mom who had severe PPD and PTSD due to a traumatic birth. People around her didn’t realize the extent of what she was suffering and were telling her to “snap out of it.” Would you tell someone with a broken leg to snap out of it? Fuck that. She needed to stop breastfeeding so she could get on meds. She was wracked by guilt for stopping breastfeeding, but that is absolutely 100% no doubt what she had to do in order to care for her child.

Another mom I know has three kids, ages 7, 3, 2. She’s still nursing her 2yo all night long, and neither she nor her husband is sleeping and they’re both wrecks. I have no problem with extended breastfeeding (I did it), but if something you are doing is literally ruining your life, STOP DOING IT.

tl; dr: it gets easier!

97

Get a diaper Genie. Great way to handle disposables.