# What's the secret to a long relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2006, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546 "2006-09-21T12:48:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/21 "2006-09-21T21:40:36Z")
[QUOTE=Hakuna Matata] separate bathrooms! Man I love this. No fights about hair in the sink or makeup in my sink. Win-win for everyone! [/QUOTE] Good one! But also there needs to be a bathtub big enough for two. ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2006, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/22 "2006-09-21T21:49:23Z")
Having been married to the same great guy for 26 years, I’ll say that one thing that has kept us happy together is having a common sense of humor. We are both able to laugh at ourselves, and shrug off minor disagreements once they are resolved. Taking one’s self too seriously and defensive grudge-holding can be deadly to a long term relationship. It can be very liberating to accept that you are an occasional doofus, and to be good-natured about the fact that sometimes your spouse is right and you are consummately wrong. I’ll echo those who have said that it’s important for your spouse to be your best friend. In the long haul, the sexual fireworks may settle down to a quiet glow, but friendship just gets better and better. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/23 "2006-09-22T00:10:46Z")
_If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it?_ We both buy into the idea that little things matter and add up to big things … little kindnesses add up, so do them often, and little resentments add up, so don’t let them get started. \*What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)? \* Courtesy? That sounds like such a perfunctory word! But I really value our _genuine_ courtesies … taking the time to ask about the other’s day and really listening to the answer, doing little favors for the joy of doing them without keeping track of having them returned, not taking things for granted and saying “thank you” and _meaning_ it. _What is ONE thing that can ruin a marriage?_ Letting resentment build up to the point that the issues are so large and long-standing that they are difficult to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/24 "2006-09-22T01:00:49Z")
Married 28 years, and have known each other intensely for 34. My answer is a bit different - compatibility. Communication is important, but if you have fundamentally different views about things, communicating them might not help. We are almost perfectly in tune about money - we both despise debt. We might have had one argument about money since we’ve been married. We also appreciate where we are different. No diminution of passion at all. Before we got married we never lived closer than 600 miles apart, had lots of arguments, and broke up for 4 years (though we kept in contact every so often.) That was enough to teach us that we were a great match, and no one else would do nearly as well. At this point we’ve got so much good history that trying to train someone else would be a big disappointment. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/25 "2006-09-22T01:35:43Z")
Encourage each other to do those things which the two of you know will make yourselves happy. Be in charge of yourself and responsible for your own happiness. (The two rules above assume that you are smart enough to marry someone with similar _values_ to you – though not necessarily similar interests.) Keep your sense of humor. As **Shellibean** said, “fight fair.” There are _sensible_ guidelines for arguing so that both of you are treated with respect, have your say and are heard. These guidelines are for the benefit of both of you as individuals and as a couple. I’ve been married for 20 years to a strange man I met in a chat room on my computer back in the days of the BBS (pre-internet). ---
**Author:** ![Fiveyearlurker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@Fiveyearlurker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiveyearlurker)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/26 "2006-09-22T02:01:00Z")
Learn to say “I’m sorry.” Even if you aren’t. Got married at 22, and that was 8 years ago now. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/27 "2006-09-22T02:51:18Z")
Find a person whose faults you can live with – and then live with them. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/28 "2006-09-22T07:17:16Z")
I think I’ll just be restating what most others have said, but here goes: Mr. Legend and I have been married over 25 years (together for 27), and I think the single most important thing in our relationship is that if one of us isn’t happy, neither of us is. When we disagree about something, it doesn’t matter if I get my way; if he’s unhappy about it, then I’m not satisfied either. As a result, we’ve gotten very good at not just compromising but coming to a consensus. There’s no way one of us can win if the other one loses (this is the “best friend” thing most people have mentioned, I believe). The way to accomplish that, is, of course…communication. We’ve gotten really good at telling each other when something’s not going right for whatever reason, and that’s the first step to making things right. The second step is, often, each of us looking at his/her own behavior and thinking about what s/he can change to make the situation better. That’s not as hard as it might be if we were disagreeing with someone besides the other, because we both really, really care that both of us end up happy. And, finally, never discount the importance of sex (assuming sex is important to both of you). After 27 years, two children, various health problems, and the inevitable ups and downs (heh) of physical conditions as we’ve aged, our sex life hasn’t been constantly wonderful. We have, however, always known that it’s important to both of us that we have a satisfying sexual relationship, and we’ve taken whatever steps were necessary along the way to get back to that when it’s in danger. I can’t tell you how - that’s something only the two of you can work out for yourselves (and there’s that communication again). I’d say the one thing that can kill a relationship is dishonesty. That doesn’t mean that one misstep will doom you, but unless you maintain a basically honest, open relationship (with the communication and all), it’s not likely to last. In other words, if you’re both talking to each other (communication) and doing it from the heart (because you’re best friends who love and like each other), you’re very likely to have a lifelong, happy relationship, and you’ll be able to work the details out for yourselves. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/29 "2006-09-22T08:54:52Z")
Cool thread! I’ll answer the questions first so that I don’t get influenced by others responses, but I look forward to reading through it all. My husband and I have been together for 10 years… If there is ONE thing that kept you together for so long, what is it? Respect for each other. What do you think is most important in a relationship (communication, sex, a good fight, open marriage)? Being friends (i.e. having enough shared interests that you can do together), having shared life goals, being proactive at addressing problems before they get out of hand. What is ONE thing that can ruin a marriage? Losing respect. I see couples that have nothing but contempt for each other and although they may still be together, in my opinion it’s a failed marriage because each blames the other for their own unhappiness. ---
**Author:** ![FormerMarineGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/65b543/32.png) [@FormerMarineGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FormerMarineGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/30 "2006-09-22T12:41:51Z")
So far all is good. Of course the biggest thing everyone has mentioned is communication, which is something we are still working on. We are both pretty thick-headed and it leads to fights because we can’t find a good way to talk about what is wrong with each other, and what bothers us. We are working on it of course. I am learning just to say I am sorry, even if deep down I don’t think I am wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Hakuna\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hakuna\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hakuna_Matata)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/31 "2006-09-22T15:36:27Z")
[QUOTE=FormerMarineGuy] So far all is good. Of course the biggest thing everyone has mentioned is communication, which is something we are still working on. We are both pretty thick-headed and it leads to fights because we can’t find a good way to talk about what is wrong with each other, and what bothers us. We are working on it of course. I am learning just to say I am sorry, even if deep down I don’t think I am wrong. [/QUOTE] For me the communication has to start before the fight. If you communicate and get the issues out there, you won’t be fighting all the time in my humble opinion I will give you an example. When I first started dating my current wife, we went to the gym together. I was on the treadmill next to her, and I occaisonally happened to look over at what she was doing, etc. In my mind, not a big deal, just happened to glance that way. However to her it was a huge deal. She felt I was being competitive with her. On the way home, she seemed quiet, and so finally I asked her what was wrong and all this came tumbling out. So we discussed it and she realized I wasn’t trying to be competitive at all. It was all innocent to me, but she had some bad experiences in the past with someone who had to compete and win at everything. So lets just say this was an issue for her unknown to me, but important nonetheless. Now if she hadn’t finally opened up, we would have went on our way but each time after that at the gym she would have thought I was being competitive, etc–and eventually it would have boiled over into a fight----over nothing! But by talking it out when the first issue came up, we defused the situation. She knew I wasn’t trying to be competitive and I knew this was an issue for her, so I could watch myself as well. Total non-issue for us now–she doesn’t freak if I happen to glance at what she is doing, etc. And that is what that episode taught us both–that if something is bugging you, get it out and discuss it. Before it boils over into an issue, when there was no issue there to begin with. So we do this all the time now–and we never fight. Which again in my opinion is great! ---
**Author:** ![butler1850](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@butler1850](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butler1850)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/32 "2006-09-22T15:48:43Z")
[QUOTE=D\_Odds] The only time this doesn’t work is the dreaded “Does this make me look fat?” question. Translation: You state what you want. She states what she wants. She gets what she wants. Man, don’t harsh my chill. I’ve never seen anyone else in the negative numbers. I had to move up. Man: Watching TV. Cooking things over open fire. Heavy lifting. Improperly fixing things. Woman: Everything else. Correction. It’s “Hers” once you say “I do.” It’s “Theirs” when kids are involved. Get married because you caught her in a moment of weakness and she said “Yes”. Do it fast, before she can change her mind. You’ll be reminded of yours. You will be forbidden to speak of hers That’s an understatement! Signed, Your friendly, neighborhood knuckle-dragger [/QUOTE] Good analysis. Mostly true. 😃 Been married a long time I see… 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![gfloyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d2c977/32.png) [@gfloyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gfloyd)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/33 "2006-09-22T17:10:35Z")
We’ve only been together for a year and a little more, but we were talking about this last night. My boyfriend had a 5 year long relationship that ended in 2000. The vague reason eh always gave everyone was money problems. This always made me wonder, as I didn’t understand how two people living together can have money problems. Or at least different opinions on said problem. Either the rent is paid, or it isn’t. We both agreed that it isn’t really money that’s the problem, it’s the symptom. It’s a communication problem or a prioratization problem, really. Money is just much more tangible than time, love ect. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/34 "2006-09-22T18:30:18Z")
I posted this a thousand years ago, but it more or less sets out how I feel. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=109508](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=109508) ---
**Author:** ![FormerMarineGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/65b543/32.png) [@FormerMarineGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FormerMarineGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/35 "2006-09-22T19:11:52Z")
[QUOTE=Manda JO] I posted this a thousand years ago, but it more or less sets out how I feel. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=109508](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=109508) [/QUOTE] Great thread, thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Autumn\_Almanac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@Autumn\_Almanac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autumn_Almanac)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/36 "2006-09-22T19:19:17Z")
[QUOTE=Lissa] 1. Marry your best friend. 2. Communication, communication, communication. Tell your partner when something’s bothering you and be willing to listen when they do the same. Be willing to admit you might be in the wrong. 3. Never stop dating your partner. Marriage does not mean the courtship should stop. Any day in which you didn’t show your partner why you love them is a wasted day. [/QUOTE] Fantastic advice! I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking that love is a feeling that happens _to_ them, not a choice that they need to make. You get the relationship you choose for yourself. The most important question you can ask yourself is, “What can I do, _right now_, to show love to my partner?” If you’re _conciously_ putting in that effort every day, you’re golden. ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2006, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546/37 "2006-09-22T19:31:01Z")
Here’s the best way I can describe why my SO and I get along so well - it’s the secret to our success. Ice. I like ice cubes in my drink, he likes crushed ice. My refrigerator’s automatic ice dispenser doesn’t work correctly and will only give out crushed. When my sweetie fills our glasses for dinner he gets crushed ice for himself, then opens the freezer door and picks out ice cubes for me. I’d drink soda with crushed ice and it would be easier for him to serve it that way. The only reason he goes through the trouble of getting out the cubes is because he knows I prefer it that way. I appreciate that little gesture and, in turn, it makes me want to do nice little things for him. We’ve got a virtuous cycle going. In contrast, my X’s response to the entire scenario above would have been, “get your own drink” or “if I’m going through all the trouble to get ice for you, you should be ever grateful no matter what form it takes.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-secret-to-a-long-relationship/373546.md?page=1)