# What's the strangest IM you've received? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 15, 2002, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227 "2002-06-15T15:29:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/1 "2002-06-15T15:29:20Z")
Back when I first got AOL, I would leave my IM doors wide open for \*anybody \* to just wander in. My user ID is my first name, so I got alot of IM’s from guys on the prowl. But one night I got one from another female, that went something like this: IM - “hi” ME - “hi” IM - “are you busy?” ME - “no…do I know you?” IM - “not yet…I saw your profile, you sound interesting.” ME - “ok” IM - “meow, meow, purrrrrr…kitty wants some milk.” ME - 😕 IM - “meow, meow, come give kitty some milk, meow.” ME - 😕 ☹ IM - “are you still there?” ME - “yes” IM - “why aren’t you saying anything?” ME - “I don’t understand about kitty.” IM - “I’m the kitty, and you have to give me some milk.” _I thought it was a joke, and she was waiting to give me the punchline._ ME - “ok…here’s some milk…kitty” IM - “no…you have to say it in a sexy way. Now give me some of that sweet creamy milk. Then I’ll do the same for you.” ME - “I’m lactose intolerant…bye” ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/2 "2002-06-15T16:02:23Z")
You mean other than the hotcreemygirlz who want to link me to their webcams? Occassionally I’ll get a guy who IMs me asking for my stats. I tell him I’m an Elf ranger with a +3 silver bow. That ususually so completely confuses him it ends the conversation right there. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/3 "2002-06-15T16:23:49Z")
I usually don’t get ranodm IM’s, but this one time I got the following: IM: Hi. (IM name) signed off at … That’s it. I was away at the time, so I had no idea who it was or anything like that. Normally I wouldn’t care, but the screename was what got me interested. It was similar to (but not exactly): I do QA Lab Naturally, I wanted to know what this ‘QA lab’ was. FOr a while, I thought it was a professor or TA trying to get in contact with me about a research project I had asked about, but then realized they didn’t know my AIM name, and would have called or used email. I put the name on my buddy list to see if I could find out who it was, but they never came back online. Weird. ---
**Author:** ![cercaria](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/87869e/32.png) [@cercaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cercaria)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/4 "2002-06-15T17:46:40Z")
I saved my two weirdest IM conversations [here](http://spinsugar.com/degree90/031702.html) and [here](http://spinsugar.com/degree90/121401.html). There is some swearing. ---
**Author:** ![Daowajan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Daowajan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daowajan)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/5 "2002-06-15T19:00:52Z")
Here’s mine: Some Guy: Hi, I was wondering if you knew anything about hacking. Me: No. Whatever gave you that idea? Some Guy: Don’t you run Ancient Message Boards? Me: Yes Some Guy: Isn’t that a hacker board? Me: No. It’s a forum for an online comic. Some Guy: Oh. OK. Me: Where did you get that idea? Some Guy: I found it in a Google group about hacking. _(???)_ Sorry to bother you. Me: O…kay… Some Guy: Would you happen to know any hackers? Me: No, sorry. Some Guy: Ok, thanks anyway. Bye. This all took place over AIM. I swear he was actually that polite and articulate. To this day I have not been able to make any sense out of it. Here’s [my forum.](http://www.ancientmessages.com/cgi-bin/ikonboard/ikonboard.cgi) ---
**Author:** ![Ell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47774/32.png) [@Ell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ell)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/6 "2002-06-16T05:36:56Z")
[Nick deleted]: (2:40 PM) ta falando com a paula? Thanks to babelfish I reply [Me]: (2:42 PM) Nenhum você está falando com o Ell. Você fala o inglês? The “conversation” then continues [Nick deleted]: (2:42 PM) vc joga no cyberjogos? [Me]: (2:43 PM) desculpe-me? [Me]: (2:46 PM) ??? [Nick deleted]: (2:47 PM) é vc cara … vc ta falando com a paula? [Me]: (2:48 PM) eu não sei que quem o paula está poderia você por favor falar o inglês. [Nick deleted]: (2:49 PM) ok… [Me]: (2:49 PM) thank you [Me]: (2:50 PM) what did you want sorry? [Nick deleted]: (2:50 PM) do you know the paula of the cyberjogos? [Me]: (2:51 PM) no not really. should i? [Nick deleted]: (2:53 PM) is she my girlfriend you this speaking to her now? [Me]: (2:54 PM) no, i’m not speaking to her [Me]: (2:55 PM) why do you ask [Nick deleted]: (2:56 PM) I think her this speaking to you. [Me]: (2:57 PM) why would she be speaking to me? on the phone or on the computer? [Nick deleted]: (3:02 PM) it is you né that this speaking to her. . . we are in crisis doesn’t disturb. ---
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/7 "2002-06-16T08:06:41Z")
I’ve started some odd IMs before. All start with the same question posed to a random stranger I find on AOL. ME: Do you like toasted sandwiches?\ and then they reply, or ignore me. ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/8 "2002-06-16T12:39:20Z")
I read an interesting IM which happened… not to me or anyone I know - but supposedly this teen was trying to Cyber with a girl online and he made an explicit comment only to find out he had accidentally sent that explicit to his grandmother who had just logged on and IMed him, changing his active screen to hers… I don’t know what happened to him from there, or if it is even a true story - but it sure makes me laugh. As for personally interesting IMs, I have many friends who like to be witty in conversation and usually find interest in word games. Some get pretty suggestive, I think the record was television channel insinuation. ---
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/9 "2002-06-16T15:07:59Z")
“lick vagina, lick lick” out of the blue from random cyber-perv on ICQ. I went permanently invisible after that. ---
**Author:** ![HerMajestyLorna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7cd45c/32.png) [@HerMajestyLorna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HerMajestyLorna)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/10 "2002-06-16T15:42:38Z")
A while ago I got a very strange IM from a person who had seen “kickboxing” in my profile and was obviously attracted to extremely well built women (of which I am not one). I was feeling in the mood for fun, so I played him along. Here are some things he said, verbatim: would you like to talk about your physical superiority? I’m Bob… a guy who thinks muscles and curves are sexy how much weight do you one arm curl? nice … and what do you bench press? wow … you must be VERY well muscled! you attract men/women with your powerful body? wow … which of you is superior to the other? do you enjoy one another’s power? do you enjoy testing your power with one another? how big are your biceps? do you let people squeeze your abs? ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/11 "2002-06-16T18:51:04Z")
Here are some of my favorites (the real fun ones I save in a file): > [@](#): > > Cyberboy (s/n no longer exists, BTW, but I edited it anyway): hi wana chat im 14 and i was delighted by your profile > > _long, long pause_ > > Cyberboy: does that mean no > > Me: You’re a kid. If you need help with homework, let me know. Otherwise, I think it’s best to chat with those your age. > > Cyberboy: right > > Cyberboy: good by miss conservitive > > Me: Wow. How about I help you with your spelling: “Goodbye miss conservative.” > > Cyberboy: oh no i made a bobo > > Cyberboy: kiss my (_!_) > > Me: LOL…a boo boo ? I was a little more caustic than usual, but for a while I was getting entirely too many “Hi, I’m a horny student, are you a hot teacher, let’s cyber” crap. The “bobo” comment cracked me up to no end. Another example of\*\* “oooh, hot teacher, do me”\*\* (I had more fun with this one–but the grosser I got, the more he stayed on. Dammit!): > [@](#): > > Guy2: do ou ever not wear panties to class > > Me: Sure. 8 year olds love teachers who dress like hookers. Ripped fishnets, smeared bright red lipstick; yep, I go for the streetwalker look. Studies show it increases learning, after all. > > Me: And of course, I sport STDs, just to make the picture all the more complete and accurate. > > Guy2: i was just curious because i know i tried my best to look when i was in school > > Me: Well, it’s nice you tried. > > Guy2: so what do you look like > > Me: Well, it depends on if the herpes is in remission. When it acts up, the blisters tend to rub together and pop, and of course, with no panties, the juice just drips down my leg, leaving little drops on the floor. > > Guy2: nasty lol > > Me: And the genital warts don’t help any, but I figure, when you’re going for the hooker look, everything needs to be realistic. > > Guy2: stop your making me sick i get it you dont like talking about this > > Me: Gee, I thought you wanted to know. > > Me: You’re the one who asked a complete stranger if she went without underwear in an elementary classroom. Thought I’d just give you want you’re looking for. > > Guy2: and then some by the way im rich and you are sick i allready know lol > > Me: Oh yes, I can tell by your brilliant wit and eloquence that you are a man of great intellect. I’m guessing you’re a grammarian, or some sort of expert on the English lexicon. > > Me: Your wealth is a natural result of such skill. > > Guy2: no im a business owner thats always horny > > Me: Horny? Just take the damn viking hat off, then. Horns are usually removable. > > Guy2: do you have a picture > > Guy2: lol > > Me: I have several on the walls in here. I mean, I have albums full of pictures. > > Guy2: that you can send > > Me: Well, I can send them, but it’s expensive postage-wise, and they can get damaged in the mail. I just like to keep them in the albums. > > Me: And the pictures on the wall–golly, the frames would break in transport. Why would you want one of them, anyway? Seems I lost him there. Heh heh–I am rather proud of that one. 😃 Hey, that fellow has a home page. Dammit, that means I have to go back and edit out his s/n as it seems to still be active (that was an IM from 2 years ago). Well, his home page _is_ amusing…he lists “sex” as one of his hobbies. Yeah, sure sign of a real winner. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Hatshepsut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Hatshepsut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hatshepsut)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/12 "2002-06-16T19:24:16Z")
> [@](#): > > “lick vagina, lick lick” You know, I’m not quite sure how to parse this. If it were in Latin then it would be much clearer. Is “lick” in the imperative? And if so, is “vagina” the direct object or is it in the vocative case (in which case the interpid IMer would be commanding a vagina to do the licking which, while grammatically sound is logically, well, silly)? Or is “lick” in the first person singular? Is our erstwhile correspondent indicating a personal desire? Second or third person? How would s/he know? And don’t even get me started on the possibilities involving the subjunctive… Honestly! I don’t mind vulgarity nearly so much if it’s educated vulgarity 😉 (this message brought to you by Hatshepsut, currently in search of a practical use for all the years of Latin she’s endured) ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/13 "2002-06-16T20:18:38Z")
Oh, I just hate it when I make a “bobo”. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/54ee81/32.png) [@Barrett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-strangest-im-youve-received/114227/14 "2002-06-16T20:37:32Z")
Roughly 92% of my IMs are ‘strange.’ The following is a classic example of that aforementioned 92%: Larson: hello, again Barrett: hi, again Larson: goddammit I’m hungry Barrett: I’m sorry. How about you make some muffins? Larson: “Girl you thought he was a man but he really was a muffin” Barrett: Sometimes I think it’s unfair that I should find myself awake at two in the morning listening to you quote Frank Zappa Larson: Makin muffins is fun Barrett: i’d imagine it is, but i’ve never tried it myself Larson: you should make some blueberry muffins right now Barrett: I should…but I can’t, as I haven’t any mix Larson: FUCK! Larson: I’d hate that Larson: I would kill myself Larson: a house without muffin mix isn’t a home Barrett: no it isn’t and no you wouldn’t. Larson: you’re right…I wouldn’t (awkward pause in conversation) Larson: this muffin batch is smelling strangely like cum… Barrett: I’m sorry to hear that Larson: ah, now its starting to smell like the muffins I’m used to…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Barrett: I’m very pleased Larson: you know what’s ironic? Barrett: That it’s two in the morning and I’m listening to you quote…no…what? Larson: Cum and yum rhyme. Barrett: So help me God if you write a song I’m going to bed. (pause) Larson: I should give my brother some laxatives then soon after he goes to the restroom follow him in. Bust the door down and fling muffin mix at him while he’s shitting then taking a picture Barrett: Okay. Where in the name of all things sacred did that come from? Larson: I’m not sure Larson: I can’t wait for them muffins to finish Barrett: I’m sure. What with the smell. Larson: These muffins smell strangely like cum Barrett: Yes, you mentioned that. Larson: Oops, sorry, I forgot I’d already covered that topic Barrett: Then you said they smelled more like the muffins you remember…are they regressing or are you making the whole cum thing up on me here? Larson: No…earlier they did smell like cum, now they don’t. Barrett: I don’t think they ever smelled like cum. Barrett: Come on now…be honest. Larson: They did Larson: After I finish my muffins, I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed Barrett: Okay. why are you telling me this? Larson: So you aren’t shocked. Barrett: Ah. Larson: I’d better go take that shower. Larson: brb Larson : Oh, please… judge my away message… Barrett: Shoot Larson: I’m wet and naked and in a big porcelain trap… do you think I want bothered? Barrett: That’s just super.