# Whats up with child rearing today? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757 "2010-08-19T17:36:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/41 "2010-08-24T21:18:34Z")
I wish I could remember where I read it, but I recall something about a guy who was a big proponent of the whole “self-esteem” thing in the late-60s/early-70s, and who is now admitting (hindsight being 20/20) that it was one of the worst ideas ever and is actively working to have it eliminated from the educational system. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/42 "2010-08-24T21:29:21Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > :smack:I think sometimes its hard to pin down what determines a kid’s behavior. I mean, sure, the most obvious way is how they’re raised, but in my fiancees family, the things that lead to them being polite are rather contradictory- > > In her family, kids got rougher treatment regarding physical punishment. A lot of it might seem like borderline child abuse, but it lead to my fiancee and her sisters being _incredibly_ polite, showing a lot of emphathy and also patience. > > My fiancee got raised in a way that would make you THINK she should’ve turned out to be a hellion, but it actually ended up making her a very sweet, tactful woman. Her sister, not wanting to raise her kids the way she was raised, was easier on them, being more involved in their life, using alternate punishments instead of swatting them, not yelling at them, etc and now they are all over the place, go figure :smack: > > Perhaps also it is not so much generations/age but cultures? For example, I find it seems more common for caucasian and african-american kids to be all over the place/noisy/hyperactive but I rarely, if ever, see this behavior in asian kids. :dubious: I see it all the time in Asian kids. I spend a lot of time in an environment with many Asian families and it seems to be fine with the parents that the little ones scream, jump on furniture, touch what should not be touched. A shocking lack of discipline, but I also see it with other families as well. Bad parenting crosses all borders. ---
**Author:** ![chizzuk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@chizzuk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chizzuk)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/43 "2010-08-24T22:32:27Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > :smack:I think sometimes its hard to pin down what determines a kid’s behavior. I mean, sure, the most obvious way is how they’re raised, but in my fiancees family, the things that lead to them being polite are rather contradictory- > > In her family, kids got rougher treatment regarding physical punishment. A lot of it might seem like borderline child abuse, but it lead to my fiancee and her sisters being _incredibly_ polite, showing a lot of emphathy and also patience. > > My fiancee got raised in a way that would make you THINK she should’ve turned out to be a hellion, but it actually ended up making her a very sweet, tactful woman. Her sister, not wanting to raise her kids the way she was raised, was easier on them, being more involved in their life, using alternate punishments instead of swatting them, not yelling at them, etc and now they are all over the place, go figure :smack: > > Perhaps also it is not so much generations/age but cultures? For example, I find it seems more common for caucasian and african-american kids to be all over the place/noisy/hyperactive but I rarely, if ever, see this behavior in asian kids. :dubious: Not to generalize or stereotype (OK, that’s exactly what I’m doing) but I spent 3 weeks in China a few years ago and was totally appalled by the behavior of the children there. I think we met exactly two who weren’t ill-mannered brats. Maybe it’s the One Child Policy, but these kids were selfish, spoiled, destructive, and whiny and all the parents seemed to think it was cute, because of course this is their Precious and the government won’t let them have any more. Things I saw: -We’re having lunch with a friend of a friend and in the middle he gets a call on his cell phone from his 11-year-old son’s school that the boy has been beating up other children. He chuckles, tells us the child is spirited, and goes back to his lunch. We met the boy later that evening. He answered the door wearing nothing but underwear and when he was given some Legos as a gift, didn’t say thank you or even really acknowledge it. -Kids whined that they had to pee in public and their moms would just have them whip it out right on the sidewalk/in front of the exhibit/whatever and piss all over the ground. -We were in a shop with some open tanks of fish. A boy of about 7 climbed up on a chair and started beating one of the fish in the tank with a water bottle. His parents just stood there and laughed. They only intervened when he slipped on the chair and nearly fell into the tank. -Everything many parents did in public seemed to revolve around giving the child things, fussing over the child, answering to his every whine and whim, and generally letting him act like a little emperor with no consequences whatsoever. I’m not overly impressed with a lot of the parenting I see here at home, but most American parents would not put up with that crap. Beating a fish with a bottle? Out of the store you go, or at least you get yelled at and pulled away. Maybe I just saw a bad sampling of kids in China, but most of them were awful. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/44 "2010-08-25T02:05:46Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > I wish I could remember where I read it, but I recall something about a guy who was a big proponent of the whole “self-esteem” thing in the late-60s/early-70s, and who is now admitting (hindsight being 20/20) that it was one of the worst ideas ever and is actively working to have it eliminated from the educational system. Well, I’m all in favor of praising kids _when the praise is deserved_. I think doing so helps to encourage the kid to keep doing well. But to praise a child for doing the _bare minimum_ expected of them, just a recipe for disaster! ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/45 "2010-08-26T09:25:21Z")
And even though a lot of bad has come of the self-esteem movement, in the long run, perhaps it’s not terrible that the pendulum moved away from the old mindset of “you can never be good enough no matter what you achieve; we can’t ever praise you because you’ll give up immediately.” I’m talking about parents here, mind, not schools. But I think if going too far was necessary in order to swing back to a happy medium, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![newcomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e5b9ba/32.png) [@newcomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcomer)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757/46 "2010-08-26T12:27:17Z")
As OP, I too do wonder why complete strangers go out of their way to mention good behavior of my kids. Just a couple of weeks ago we all boarded an airplane - 7yr boy and two girls, 4yr and 3mo - and this older gentleman rolled his eyes as he was in a seat right behind. About 4 hrs later, when we landed, he went out of his way to mention to my wife how pleasantly he was surprised as there were no cries or tantrums at all - and he knows, he’s a frequent flyer. What I think the key is that it all depends on how often does a parent think first of his kids and then him/herself and, when in a public situation how often do you as a parent think of how do your kids affect the adults or other kids around in a given context. Also, parenting never stops; as kids at different ages or stages learn different skills you as a parent move on to more different skills. I think it’s all about healthy awareness and acceptance that you as a parent take a backseat and create environment for your offspring to flourish. As they flourish your life becomes easier and more fulfilling. What I find interesting - and, a bit worrisome, thinking am I losing it, am I becoming narrow-minded perhaps - is that I become quite uninterested in dealing with people whose parenting style is opposite of mine. I only started thinking about it as I started having kids and realized that I don’t even want kids of those parents to play with my kids. Mostly because I find it very frustrating to explain all the time why my kids don’t eat junk food, don’t drink soda, don’t listen or watch just anything on TV and number of typical set of rules that I would expect other parents to instill on their kids. And, on top of that, explaining to my kids why they cant have it as these other kids are having it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-up-with-child-rearing-today/550757.md?page=2)