# What's wrong with asking for things? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 1, 2016, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867 "2016-02-01T19:02:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2016, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/21 "2016-02-01T20:52:33Z")
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking. I think there might be problems with how she reacts if you say no, but it sounds like you’ve already had that kind of exchange. How did she react? ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2016, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/22 "2016-02-01T20:56:36Z")
She has had differerent responses but in general is very sad and disappointed when I tell her that she should not expect me to bring her something every time we work together. She did seem to understand that an ipad is way too expensive and that I wasn’t going to give her one. I would like to tell her it’s not nice to ask people for things, but as my OP indicates, I’m not 100% convinced that’s true and I wouldn’t know exactly how to explain it. Some tutor! ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2016, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/23 "2016-02-01T20:58:08Z")
One of the few things I remember my dad saying, which I consider to be wisdom, is: There is no harm in asking, so long as you are willing to accept no as an answer. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2016, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/24 "2016-02-01T21:59:06Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > One of the few things I remember my dad saying, which I consider to be wisdom, is: There is no harm in asking, so long as you are willing to accept no as an answer. That’s one of my philosophies. Ask outright and take “no” as a perfectly valid answer. I will go ballistic if anyone says “What do you mean, NO?” What part don’t you understand? The N or the O? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/25 "2016-02-02T00:23:12Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > There is no harm in asking, so long as you are willing to accept no as an answer. Yet another saying that doesn’t jibe with reality. Of course there is [harm](http://www.slate.com/articles/life/education/2014/03/nazareth_college_revoked_a_job_offer_when_a_candidate_tried_to_negotiate.html). Ending a sentence with a question mark doesn’t provide special immunity from judgment. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/26 "2016-02-02T01:35:16Z")
It’s a cultural thing. Every culture has worked out sets of unspoken rules around there things, and the rules tend to be internally consistent. So when you go play by another set of rules, you break the equilibrium. I lived for a time in a culture where it as perfectly ok to ask for anything. Strangers on the street would ask for your shoes or your tee shirt. People would even politely ask for sex, on the off chance you’d say yes. But in this culture it was also acceptable to turn anything down, with no pressure or guilt around it. ---
**Author:** ![Me\_Billy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e480ec/32.png) [@Me\_Billy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Me_Billy)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/27 "2016-02-02T01:50:07Z")
Nothing wrong with a kid asking for things… But _very_ bad to give the kid everything she asks for! ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/28 "2016-02-02T05:20:26Z")
> [@carlotta](#): > > You could even say, “nope, that’s too big an ask for me!” No responsible tutor would use “ask” as a noun. ---
**Author:** ![Robert163](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/4af34b/32.png) [@Robert163](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robert163)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/29 "2016-02-02T05:49:34Z")
I think it stems from the awkwardness of saying no. I do LOTS of favors and even loan out money from time to time. More favors, rides to the store, here’s a can of soup to hold you over until your food stamps come in, etc. Lots and lots of favors… and some loans, which I don’t always get returned. I live in an apartment complex with lots of people who are unemployed and on various govt programs. Lots of people do have jobs… the rent is such that it attracts both crowds. I think you have to accept that people in a needy situation aren’t always going to be as socially graceful or as clear thinking/resilient as we would like them to be. If it is small items I see no reason why you can’t help. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/30 "2016-02-02T13:35:54Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Yet another saying that doesn’t jibe with reality. Okay - rephrase as , “There is nothing inherently wrong with the act of asking, just be prepared to accept the reaction you receive.” The potential professor acted reasonably IMO. But apparently she misjudged her potential employer, and made what she thought was a worthwhile gamble. She was naïve if she thought she had an inherent right to negotiate. Perhaps it would have been more circumspect to have asked, “Is any aspect of that offer negotiable?” In law it is a pretty well known principle that a counter-offer negates the initial offer. (Assuredly not phrased perfectly.) If I offer to sell you something for $100, and you come back with an offer of $50, I can tell you to fuck off and die. You no longer have the right to buy it at $100. Of course, the original works just fine in most situations. Generally, when a kid asks if he can have a cookie before dinner, his mom doesn’t beat him and put him up for adoption… ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/31 "2016-02-02T13:44:26Z")
> [@CC](#): > > Frequently, she asks me to bring her something - a pencil, a present, and once, she asked me to bring her an ipad. I’m a bit confused - what do you mean by ‘bring’? Is she asking to borrow something for the duration of the lesson? Or is she asking to be given the items as gifts? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/32 "2016-02-02T13:51:19Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > We don’t want the have-nots asking for things because it puts the haves in the uncomfortable situation to say “No”. To make it easier on the haves, we shame the have-nots into silence. Very well put. ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/33 "2016-02-02T15:13:13Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I’m a bit confused - what do you mean by ‘bring’? Is she asking to borrow something for the duration of the lesson? Or is she asking to be given the items as gifts? She has asked for these items as presents. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/34 "2016-02-02T15:46:18Z")
Whether or not there is something wrong with asking depends on the context and what’s being asked for. In a negotiating context, there is nothing wrong with the act of asking for something in itself, although it is still possible that what you are asking for will be seen as inappropriate ( for example, asking for a later start date for a new job is not in itself inappropriate, but asking to start two weeks later is different from asking to start six months later). And the same goes for most other contexts- it’s not going to be seen as inappropriate to ask even a stranger to borrow a pen at the DMV but it’s inappropriate to ask almost anyone to buy you a piece of diamond jewelry. There’s a lot of space between those two extremes - I might ask a coworker for a coffee cup or a package of splenda if I’m out, or even to borrow $10 till I get to an ATM , but I wouldn’t ask that same coworker to buy me a cup of coffee. ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/35 "2016-02-02T16:15:57Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > … but it’s inappropriate to ask almost anyone to buy you a piece of diamond jewelry…I wouldn’t ask that same coworker to buy me a cup of coffee. These are two examples of what I’m asking about. WHY is it inappropriate? Why wouldn’t you ask for that cup of coffee? What are the underlying principles behind these proscriptions (that most of us seem to feel)? ---
**Author:** ![tullsterx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tullsterx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tullsterx)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/36 "2016-02-02T16:21:57Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > A pencil? - OK, maybe. I would stress that the student is expected to come prepared to the tutoring session. > > A present? - Extremely manipulative. > > An IPad? - You are being mugged. > > I’m going to go out on a limb a suggest that the subject and the tutor are at different socio-economic levels, and the subject thinks that the tutor is “rich” and therefor should give freely. This is not a pattern you want to encourage. I think the only thing “wrong” with it, is that most people don’t like to be asked for things. And you might be encouraging an “unattractive” behaviour pattern. No one likes needy people or people that commonly ask for things. ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/37 "2016-02-02T16:31:34Z")
This little kid is a closet communist. He wants to have what is yours. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/38 "2016-02-02T16:35:40Z")
> [@CC](#): > > She has asked for these items as presents. I would explain to her firmly but kindly that a tutor’s job is to teach her, not bring her presents. You will probably have to repeat this message. ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/39 "2016-02-02T16:37:35Z")
After viewing the responses in this thread, I think I have come to this understanding: asking for things is a very mild version of theft, which is universally reviled and always has been. It’s a slightly acceptable way of getting something that is not yours without making any effort, purchase, or lacking some measure of deserving it, but certainly without taking it by force or some criminal method. It’s a kind way of stealing something from someone. And maybe the pressure or obligation of not wanting to say No is part of the force that separates the owner from his possession. I appreciate this opportunity to work out this thorny, albeit personal, philosophical matter. At least I think I’m closer to an understanding. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2016, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867/40 "2016-02-02T16:54:51Z")
> [@CC](#): > > After viewing the responses in this thread, I think I have come to this understanding: asking for things is a very mild version of theft, which is universally reviled and always has been. Now I’m wondering if you’ve been reading the same thread I’ve been reading. Because that’s not what I’ve gotten from this thread. What I’ve gotten is that what—if anything—is wrong with asking for things depends on the context: both the immediate context (who’s asking whom, for what, how, and why) and the broader cultural context. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-asking-for-things/744867.md?page=3)