# What's wrong with my todger? (TMI) **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [July 11, 2004, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550 "2004-07-11T11:28:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![capnfutile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e0b2c6/32.png) [@capnfutile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capnfutile)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2004, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/1 "2004-07-11T11:28:55Z")
Yeah, yeah, I’ll see the doctor… Lately I’ve had what feels like a hard vein running the length of the top of my tool. Just behind the head of my lovemuscle, there are also two small hard lumps. These are all present whether or not I am in a turgid state. It’s definitely not in the skin, it’s underneath. There is no pain and everything seems to be working okay, although I seem to have to pee more frequently lately (could be psychosomatic, plus our house is really cold, which always seems to make me go more frequently). Can anyone hazard a guess as to what might be wrong with my schlong? Could I have just bruised myself while pulling the pud? Will we have to amputate? Capn ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/2 "2004-07-11T18:04:24Z")
> [@capnfutile](#): > > todger… tool…lovemuscle…schlong…pulling the pud You may have simply overstrained your thesaurus. ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/3 "2004-07-11T20:36:13Z")
That sounds like something I had a good many years ago. The doctor told me it was a blood clot in a vein under the skin and prescribed a heparin spray. I sprayed the stuff on my wang once or twice a day for a week or two, and the lump went away. The doctor never explained where the clot came from, though. TMI warning: That lump didn’t bother me much except for when I removed the condom after having sex - pulling Dick’s hatband across that lump hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Mahma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@Joe\_Mahma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Mahma)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2004, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/4 "2004-07-11T21:04:07Z")
[QUOTE=Mort Furd] That sounds like something I had a good many years ago. The doctor told me it was a blood clot in a vein under the skin and prescribed a heparin spray. I sprayed the stuff on my wang once or twice a day for a week or two, and the lump went away. The doctor never explained where the clot came from, though. How unusual - I’ve never heard of topical heparin. Not sure how that would work. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2004, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/5 "2004-07-12T01:53:41Z")
> [@Mort Furd](#): > > The doctor never explained where the clot came from, though You should have asked the clot herself, it’s only polite. ---
**Author:** ![capnfutile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e0b2c6/32.png) [@capnfutile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capnfutile)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2004, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/6 "2004-07-13T01:01:20Z")
> [@Mort Furd](#): > > The doctor told me it was a blood clot in a vein under the skin and prescribed a heparin spray. There’s not any chance that clot could float around my system and lodge in my noggin, is there? That would seem to be a BAD THING. If it’s still there in a week, or starts to hurt, or quadruples in size and starts humming the theme to “Jaws”, I’ll go see the doc. Thanks Mort. Capn ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2004, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/7 "2004-07-13T18:55:43Z")
[QUOTE=Joe Mahma] > [@Mort Furd](#): > > That sounds like something I had a good many years ago. The doctor told me it was a blood clot in a vein under the skin and prescribed a heparin spray. I sprayed the stuff on my wang once or twice a day for a week or two, and the lump went away. The doctor never explained where the clot came from, though. > > How unusual - I’ve never heard of topical heparin. Not sure how that would work. I thought it rather odd myself. Then again, german doctors do many things that I consider odd. The heparin seemed to help, though. Of course, the skin on the shaft of a wang is rather thin - I don’t think topical heparin would do much for a blood clot lodged in the head or under the ribs or something weird. ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/8 "2004-07-13T20:13:04Z")
> [@Mort Furd](#): > > The heparin seemed to help, though. In the hope of fighting ignorance, lemme just point out that the fact that you experienced improvement following topical application of heparin does not imply cause and effect. ---
**Author:** ![spingears](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@spingears](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spingears)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2004, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/9 "2004-07-14T01:08:56Z")
What’s wrong with my todger? From your description it should be quite clear that you have an advanced case of the Oriental Crud. Without competent herbal treatment ‘it’ will shrivel up and drop off in a year or two Why ask here if you are going to pay a Dr! Bragging or complaining? ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2004, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/10 "2004-07-14T07:28:17Z")
> [@vetbridge](#): > > In the hope of fighting ignorance, lemme just point out that the fact that you experienced improvement following topical application of heparin does not imply cause and effect. No shit. I SAID german doctors do odd things. I also said it SEEMED to help. Maybe it would have gone away by itself, and maybe all my wang needed was a rest or a little TLC. Damifino. Capnfutile’s description matched something that I’ve experienced. I said it SOUNDS like what I’d encountered and told him what my doctor told me, and what happened afterwards. Did I tell him to go and buy Heparin? Did I tell him he didn’t need to see a doctor? NO. Keerist. Pissants everywhere. Can’t even talk about subject number one without one popping up. ---
**Author:** ![bodswood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@bodswood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bodswood)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2004, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-wrong-with-my-todger-tmi/254550/11 "2004-07-14T07:33:36Z")
Cap’n, you’re wasting your talents on this board, mate. You could be earning a decent crust with your purple prose. Yes, I said prose.