# What's your best insult? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2003, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294 "2003-12-11T05:51:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/21 "2003-12-11T13:29:00Z")
Whenever anyone says anything nasty about me, I just say in a very haughty voice “It’s a good thing I don’t give a damn about your opinion of me.” I never cuss people out. That way, when they use swear words about me, I can say in a confused, shocked voice “Why are you swearing at me? I don’t swear at you.” Shuts them up. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/22 "2003-12-11T14:46:20Z")
**Cervaise** ’s Pit thread entitled [The Telemarketer Speaks - I Respond](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51270&highlight=Telemarketer) is the greatest flame in the history of the English language. Second place goes to a flame that I don’t remember the source of, but a version of it is posted on Opal’s Page o’ Flames - > [@](#): > > They say that if a million monkeys typed at a million keyboards for a million years, you would get all the great works of Western literarure. > > Your post was a twenty minute, three monkey job. And **sirtonyh** - thanks for the warm fuzzies. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/23 "2003-12-11T15:13:56Z")
> [@](#): > > Thank you! We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view, you ridiculous little carnival freak. I suggest you hone your writing skills before applying borrowed glories as a mere typist. > > Here’s a tip: no one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy if you wear a wig to hide to the scars; stop posting your drivel on message boards, and learn to control the slobbering. I understand what you are trying to say, even though you obviously don’t. Oh well, at least you only charge what your free advice is worth. As Robert Wilensky said: “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/24 "2003-12-11T20:56:05Z")
> [@](#): > > They say that if a million monkeys typed at a million keyboards for a million years, you would get all the great works of Western literarure. > > Your post was a twenty minute, three monkey job. I know I’ve seen this on a sitcom. Simpsons, maybe? Seinfeld? That Muppet Christmas show from last year? ---
**Author:** ![hybrid\_dogfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a587f6/32.png) [@hybrid\_dogfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hybrid_dogfish)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/25 "2003-12-11T21:32:46Z")
“May your daughter grow to look like your mistress, and your misterss to look like your wife.” ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/26 "2003-12-11T21:37:27Z")
From Jim Cornette, NWA wrestling manager during the 80’s: “If brains was gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to power a flea’s motorcycle around a dewdrop!” ---
**Author:** ![the\_fascist\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b77776/32.png) [@the\_fascist\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_fascist_hunter)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/27 "2003-12-11T23:01:37Z")
I feel sorry for your steak, what kind of letdown would it be to be eaten by a dunce of your magnitude…asspirate. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/28 "2003-12-11T23:11:18Z")
You are so dense, light bends around you. ---
**Author:** ![d12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/71c47a/32.png) [@d12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/d12)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/29 "2003-12-11T23:38:09Z")
For the skanks I know: You’re like a vaccuum cleaner, you suck, blow, get laid in the closet, and even you mother turns you on. ---
**Author:** ![Burrido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Burrido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burrido)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/30 "2003-12-12T01:45:41Z")
When someone is looking at me I say to them: “Nice Head” When I beat someone in anything: “First (insert mutual friends name) f\*\*ks your wife, now this!” ---
**Author:** ![bubba\_jr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e95f7d/32.png) [@bubba\_jr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bubba_jr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/31 "2003-12-12T02:15:09Z")
Living in southern New Mexico, a confused look and a simple “You MUST be a native” works quite well. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/32 "2003-12-12T02:44:38Z")
He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if you told him the label was on the heel. I’ve seen more productivity from someone in a coma. 3000 years of language development and the best you can come up with is, “Fuck you?” ---
**Author:** ![abba21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f4b2a3/32.png) [@abba21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abba21)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/33 "2003-12-12T03:03:15Z")
An oldy but a goody: If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/34 "2003-12-12T03:32:23Z")
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. quote: Steven Pearl ---
**Author:** ![RNWebner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@RNWebner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RNWebner)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/35 "2003-12-12T03:53:30Z")
“You and me have something in common.” “What?” “We’ve both been inside your mom.” ---
**Author:** ![jweb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71c47a/32.png) [@jweb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jweb)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/36 "2003-12-13T00:04:15Z")
I tend to prefer the subtler insults. The best insults, IMHO, are the ones that at first glance appear to be a compliment. They sometimes require a bit of setup on the part of the insultee, as in the following example: Insultee: “You probably think I’m stupid/crazy/insane/\_\_\_\_, don’t you?” jweb: “I never would have said that out loud.” For another example, consider the phrase “I could never underestimate your intelligence” ---
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/37 "2003-12-13T00:36:23Z")
You SUCK with such a passion, the very whores of ancient Rome would be jealous! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Whistling\_Sweets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7feea3/32.png) [@Mr.Whistling\_Sweets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Whistling_Sweets)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/38 "2003-12-13T00:46:36Z")
(as riposte) That sounds like something you would say! ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/39 "2003-12-13T00:49:34Z")
Nee! ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294/40 "2003-12-13T01:24:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jjimm \* > \*\*A great one I heard of a UK comedian using: > > Heckler: “Why are you so fat?” > > Comedian: “Because every time I fucked your mum she gave me a biscuit.” > \*\* Hee hee hee [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-best-insult/218294.md?page=3)