# What's your communication style? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 30, 2008, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193 "2008-12-30T09:30:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2008, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/21 "2008-12-30T23:54:00Z")
C or D; more likely C AND D depending on who is close to the baby. They are both direct requests, you might think they are different but it depends on who is listening to you, not what yo are saying. ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/22 "2008-12-31T01:21:37Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Consider the following four ways of making the same request: > > [ul] > [li]A: That baby looks hungry.[/li][li]B: I think the baby’s hungry. There’s a banana in the fruit basket next to you.[/li][li]C: Would you mind giving the baby a banana?[/li][li]D: Give the baby a banana please.[/li][/ul] > > Which one are you? And what do you think of all the other ones (if directed towards you)? > > I’m a (B) trying to become a (C). I’d interpret all four statements as requesting me to feed the baby something. I relate fine to the first three methods, but (D) feels brusque to me, and would probably start to grate after not very long. > > How about you? I enjoy being placed into hypothetical situations. If I have to pick one from the list it would be B. But in reality I’d probably keep my mouth shut. If it’s none of the above (not having to pick from the list, but saying something) - then I’d say “Is he hungry?” and work out what to say next based on the reply I get. Making it a question like that reduces the risk that you’ll be perceived as telling them how to do their job. My responses if I am the person with the baby. A: I didn’t think of that. Maybe he’ll eat this banana. B: Good thinking. I’ll try the banana. C: I’m sorry? D: (Say nothing. Give the baby the banana) edit: But in hindsight. I’ve had more time to construct my reply to this thread than I would get if I were actually in the situation. So my actual reactions might differ from the reactions I would give if I had enough time to consider them. ---
**Author:** ![PastAllReason](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f07891/32.png) [@PastAllReason](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastAllReason)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/23 "2008-12-31T01:32:55Z")
C or D depending on context, i.e. who I’m speaking to, where it’s at, and what kind of mood I am in. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/24 "2008-12-31T01:46:15Z")
Usually C, but when teaching rowdy kids, it can turn into D very fast. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/25 "2008-12-31T02:10:11Z")
I just point at the baby and the banana and grunt “Baby. Banana. Give.” ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/26 "2008-12-31T04:59:06Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Just to clarify, in the original instance what I had in mind was that you are both equally responsible for the task (eg, you and your spouse and your baby. **Green Bean** ’s oil change scenario also fits this pattern) What I find interesting about the responses you got are the background questions like “whose baby is it?”. It’s a hypothetical question, how could it possibly matter whose baby it is? Regardless of your inspiration I thought it was obvious the question was “How do you communicate that you want someone to give a baby a banana”. That so many people needed to be reassured that they weren’t feeding someone else’s baby is interesting to me. ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/27 "2008-12-31T05:02:36Z")
It matters who’s baby it is. If it’s a stranger’s baby you need to be more polite. My answers were based on the baby being a stranger’s and the setting being a crowded train. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/28 "2008-12-31T05:22:15Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > What I find interesting about the responses you got are the background questions like “whose baby is it?”. It’s a hypothetical question, how could it possibly matter whose baby it is? Regardless of your inspiration I thought it was obvious the question was “How do you communicate that you want someone to give a baby a banana”. That so many people needed to be reassured that they weren’t feeding someone else’s baby is interesting to me. For me it asolutely matters whose baby it is and to whom I am speaking. If my husband and I are both there and it’s our baby, I’d use C or D. If a friend was visiting my house and her baby was fussing, I would probably say B. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/29 "2008-12-31T05:52:10Z")
I’m a D. Except more direct. “Feed the baby. He’s hungry.” ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/30 "2008-12-31T06:43:20Z")
Without more data than in the example, C or D. I find both A and B incredibly annoying and would prompt me to inaction. ETA: and I would never tell someone what to do with their own baby unless it was on fire, or crapping on my carpet. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/31 "2008-12-31T07:09:50Z")
I’m a “Would you please if you get a moment…” or “I’d be grateful if you…” type of communicator, both at work and at home. On my assistant I use a “Would you could you…” start (with a Dr. Seussian rhyme when I can think of one) a lot of the time, mostly because we’re both easily amused. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/32 "2008-12-31T07:18:41Z")
I’m gonna go with C/D because, get to the point. That A is killing me. Please don’t let anyone try A around me and babies and bananas. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/33 "2008-12-31T07:26:26Z")
I’m an extreme case of B. I could put in so much padding that sometimes people miss the point. A little bit of C will be good for me. ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/34 "2008-12-31T07:27:32Z")
A or C _not_ B or D. Now imagine saying A and then saying D. How rude! ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/35 "2008-12-31T07:31:44Z")
To be honest, I find A said in conjunction with D to be more polite than just saying A alone. IMHO, saying A or B is passive aggressive: the speaker is laying out his/her perception and then expecting the listener to respond in a way the speaker wishes. Saying C or D is paying the listener the respect s/he is due by being direct and honest. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/36 "2008-12-31T08:02:17Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > [ul] > [li]A: That baby looks hungry.[/li][li]B: I think the baby’s hungry. There’s a banana in the fruit basket next to you.[/li][li]C: Would you mind giving the baby a banana?[/li][li]D: Give the baby a banana please.[/li][/ul] If it were my kid, then I would go with C. D if I was good friends with the person I was talking to. I would not respond nicely to D. A-C would work better because it shows they respect that I get to decide what to do with my child. If he is not mine, then I have no business telling anyone what to do with the baby. I would go with only A if I had confidence in the person’s parenting skills. I would trust the parent to figure out if his child is hungry and then figure out what to do about it. If I think the parent is a moron and that his baby is hungry, then I would start with A and work my way up to D. My response to A would be to ask if they would like me to give him something eat. If I were told B, I would ask if they want me to give the banana to the baby and I’d be slightly annoyed they didn’t say either C or D. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/37 "2008-12-31T08:15:32Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Just to clarify, in the original instance what I had in mind was that you are both equally responsible for the task (eg, you and your spouse and your baby. **Green Bean** ’s oil change scenario also fits this pattern) I didn’t mention this scenario in my post above. As you might be able to tell from that post, I like to be precise. I would never say A or B. C sounds too formal and I usually skip formalities with people who I’m close too. If I think someone should give the baby a banana, then I would go with D. I would go insane in **Green Bean’s** situation. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/38 "2008-12-31T14:09:09Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > I would go insane in **Green Bean’s** situation. Yep. 😛 Well, I never actually went literally insane, but it was NOT good for my mental health. Like I said, therapy helps. I was thinking on it a bit after I posted, and I realized that I was effectively being gaslighted. My ex obviously wasn’t consciously trying to deceive me, but the results were the same. Also, I realized that one of the main reasons I took the statement “the car might need an oil change soon” to mean “I’ll be taking it in” instead of “you should take it in” is that he said the _exact same thing_ if he was planning to take it in himself! :smack: No wonder I thought I was nuts. I think we’d all be a lot better off if we paid more attention to the fact that people use different communication styles and tried to take that into consideration in our interactions. ---
**Author:** ![Spudo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Spudo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spudo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/39 "2008-12-31T14:11:57Z")
I’d say A most of the time, but could see myself using C if the baby looked really hungry. I doubt I’d ever use D, it’s just too terse, and B is insulting too. ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2008, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193/40 "2008-12-31T14:28:46Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Just to clarify, in the original instance what I had in mind was that you are both equally responsible for the task (eg, you and your spouse and your baby. **Green Bean** ’s oil change scenario also fits this pattern) In that case I’d just get up and give the baby a banana. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-communication-style/479193.md?page=3)