Are you kidding? I can sing the whole freaking song at the drop of a hat. And then the Preamble to the Constitution. My useless talent is to remember song lyrics–but usually just a few lines of the song–enough to repeat over and over in my head, but not enough to complete the song and get rid of it.
I can also touch my nose with my tongue.
I can curl my tongue into a perfect tunnel shape.
I can do things with my tongue.
Oh, so many … I can’t choose.
I can…
- Balance horizontally on my hands
- Make various bodyparts (tame) vibrate.
- Use my arms/hands as a swing of sorts.
- Pop just about any joint anyone else can, and (depending on the joint) whenever I want. I have to wait for some to “reset”, so to speak, but just about the only ones I can’t pop are in my ear;)
- Bark very realistically.
- Cause people to ask me if I’m a boy or a girl (seriously. Longest stretch I’ve ever gone was about a month. Happened tonight, in fact).
- write with both hands. My right hand is really bad, and half the time I end up writing some pseudo-backward stuff, but I can do it.
I can wiggle my little toe independently of the rest of my metatarsels ( only on my left foot).
But that’s about it for talent I’m afraid.
Useless? Jest not, woman! 
For me, my superhero powers include the ability to catch unexpectedly falling items before they hit the ground. First, I clumsily knock them over - I’m terribly oafish at times - but then without thinking, quickly snatch them up before they can fall. Pens falling of desks, glasses off tables, books off shelves - fear not, inanimate objects for I will save you!
Making this skill useless is that I catch anything without thinking. In the past, I’ve saved a (soggy) meatball, a sharp knife (by the blade) and several balled-up used tissues. 
I can wiggle my ears.
Both, or left alone. For some reason not the right alone.
I teach that every year to my fifth grade chorus. We just performed it at the chorale festival this past Tuesday, in fact.
I also teach them “Wakko’s America”–a sort of modernized version of the same idea. Wakko, of the Animaniacs, goes through all the states and their capitals to “Turkey in the Straw.”
"Fifty Nifty United States, from the thirteen original colonies . . . "
That’s all I remember from the non-states part, but I do still have the lyric booklet around here somewhere. And yes, I do sing the states when I’m copyediting and need to alphabetize a list of states or check that they’re all there.
"Boston Tea, Boston Tea,
Come with me down to the edge of the sea! . . . "
"Let George do it!
He’s the man of the hour!
Let George do it!
He will give us the power! . . . "
As far as stupid human tricks, I have a few:
I can wiggle my pinky toes without moving the others.
I’m moderately double jointed in my elbows, so I’m always grossing people out when I reach for the salt over the napkin holder with my elbow the wrong way. I’ve also never been able to find anyone else who can do this:
(1) Extend your arms out in front of you with the backs of your hands together, thumbs facing down.
(2) Cross your wrists so that your palms are facing, then interlock your fingers.
(3) Keep your fingers interlocked and rotate your forearms down and inward 270 degrees, so that your interlocked hands are under your chin and your elbows are against your chest.
(4) Extend your forearms out in front of you again (rotating in the same direction, completing the 360 degrees. (You can loosen your grip on your fingers, but do not let go completely.) Now one of your elbows should be on top of the other one. Bend your forearms up and back toward you, as you push the upper elbow outward, so that the upper elbow is now pointing forward and your fingers are still interlocked (again, loosely is OK, but don’t let go).
(5) Now comes the weird part. There is a gap between your forearms. Again, loosening your fingers but not letting go, put your head through that gap so that you are “hugging” your neck.
No one has been able to do this without letting go.
Please don’t ask how I came up with this. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.
Um…I don’t have many abilities. I don’t think.
I can wiggle my ears. Both or just my right.
I can any do any finger combination, like the vulcan thing and anyhing else.
I can do classwork very, very fast. And do it good.
I have sharp eyes.
I’ve been in tough times and am alright.
I can blow bubbles with my tounge.
I can blow tiny smoke rings inside of bigger smoke rings.
I can play “Home sweet Home” by Motley Crue on the piano.
I can write with both hands.
I can write with both feet.
I won a drawing contest once when I was ten for the best “Garfield”.
Useless I say, really Useless.
I can clap with one hand. My Zen Master used to hate me for it.
I’m a cat. No, wait, that ain’t useless…
I know how to read and write Tengwar…
I can make “wheat sprout” candy (which actually has no wheat sprouts).
I can lie on my stomach and bend backwards so that my feet touch my head.
I can sing just like Kermit the Frog.
I can do a great impression of a raindrop.
I can also do a terrifyingly realistic impression of a cat vomiting. Which I’m rarely allowed to do around anyone who has heard it before. 
And by the way, thanks for this. I think I just dislocated my shoulder.
On command…
Belch LOUDLY
I can juggle. In fact I can pass things back and forth with my brother while we juggle, in such a way that the two of us are sort of timesharing juggling the same three objects; it’s really impressive. I can do the New York Times crossword in ink in under fifteen minutes (longer for the Sunday puzzle, which is bigger).
And I guess my most impressive skill (which is kind of depressing when I say it that way) is I can stand up, keep my knees straight, and put my palms flat on the floor. Just always been flexible. This may come in handy if/when I go to prison someday. (C’mon, you were thinking it.)
I can raise one eyebrow without moving the rest of my face. Most people have to squint or scrunch their face. I can do either eyebrow, and even alternate them. Pretty dang useless.
I can also do The Eyebrow Thang, The Nostril Thang and The Ear Thang.
But the most useless thing I know how to do is playing the recorder. I’ve taken lessons for…12 years now. I mean, whoever heard of anyone making a living from playing a recorder?
Well, I guess your recorder instructor has.
Um. Nostril thing, Celtic Cowboy, I too can sing a la Kermit.
I’m a great vocal mimic. Almost any accent. Problem is, once whatever it was that I was mimicking has been out of my head for a while, I can’t do it again until I hear it again.
Hmmmm… I can flare nostrils, wiggle ears independently (including pointing one forward and one back at the same time), roll my tongue and bend the tip back flat against itself and raise one eyebrow.
I don’t get lost and I always know where north is. Once I’ve been somewhere I can almost always find my way back, even years later.
I can do a really weird sounding Daffy Duck sneeze.
Once I’ve read something I find it nearly impossible to forget it, so I can tell even 30 years later whether I’ve read a book before by the time I’ve read a page or two.
I can cross my eyes and then roll one of them around in a circle while the other stays pointing in.
I can imitate an accent pretty well, and I do it involuntarily when I’m speaking to someone with an accent (handy, I work in a call center and everyone always assumes I’m right down the road from them.)