# What's your profession's light bulb joke? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 10, 2019, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825 "2019-07-10T09:47:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2019, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/81 "2019-07-13T18:49:13Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > How many Dopers does it take to change a light bulb? > > Many; one to change the bulb, and the others to take it to the Pit and discuss why the light bulb is a troll. Don’t forget about the one who asks for a cite. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2019, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/82 "2019-07-13T19:12:55Z")
> [@RandomDoperino](#): > > We need a lightbulb. Sight? ---
**Author:** ![glowacks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/glowacks/32/5548_2.png) [@glowacks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glowacks)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2019, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/83 "2019-07-13T19:25:56Z")
I’m humor impaired, so these might not actually be funny. But I took various stereotypes of kinds of accountants. Q: How many shady tax preparers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many do you want it to take? Q: How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Doesn’t matter; changing one light bulb is immaterial. Q: How many accountants with clients who refuse to provide data does it take to change a light bulb? A: I don’t know. I’ll have to just assume the same number it took last year. Q: How many CPA exam candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: On average, two, since [half fail.](https://www.rogercpareview.com/cpa-exam/whats-next/pass-rates) ---
**Author:** ![DaveRaver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daveraver/32/1078_2.png) [@DaveRaver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaveRaver)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2019, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/84 "2019-07-14T20:23:12Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > Two. > > How many Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? > > Three, one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. I don’t understand either one of these. ---
**Author:** ![Kropotkin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kropotkin/32/18045_2.png) [@Kropotkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kropotkin)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2019, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/85 "2019-07-14T20:34:26Z")
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Tuna fish ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2019, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/86 "2019-07-14T21:08:00Z")
> [@Kropotkin](#): > > Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Tuna fish And your profession is? ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/87 "2019-07-15T00:12:09Z")
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? I just changed that light bulb 5 minutes ago! It was fine! ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/88 "2019-07-15T00:23:14Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > Two. > > How many Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? > > Three, one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. So, your profession would be fruit fly, or Nazi? > [@DaveRaver](#): > > I don’t understand either one of these. screw = have sex. It takes two little flies to have sex in(side) a light bulb. I don’t get the Nazi one either. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/89 "2019-07-15T02:13:28Z")
> [@LH75](#): > > how many Episcopalians? > Ten > > Four to form a small group to produce a report for the Church Council to complain about the dimness of the light in the hallway. > Four to form a small group to counter that other report with their own claiming that traditionally, that light bulb was fine and needs to be left alone. > One to pour the drinks. > One to call a high voltage electrician because the guy pouring the drinks only works in DC current 70 volts or less… Same thing for Lutherans, except substitute coffee for alcohol, and add one more to make a hot dish for everyone who’s been working so hard on this. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/90 "2019-07-15T05:06:32Z")
Handyman here, how many handymen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, obviously. I just made this up. How many IT guys does it take to change a light bulb? Have you tried turning it off then back on again? Two of my faves… How many new age poets does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish swim at the edge of my consciousness. And… How many rock singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/91 "2019-07-15T18:02:46Z")
How many maintenance techs does it take to change a light bulb? Six 1 to actually change the light bulb. 2 to stand back and watch, and tell him everything he’s doing wrong. 1 to fill out the Job Safety Analysis. 1 to fill out the Safe Work Permit. 1 to explain to the Plant Manager/Safety Coordinator that, yes, the JSA/SWP have been filled out and properly filed. ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2019, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/92 "2019-07-15T22:14:24Z")
> [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](#): > > Don’t know if we have one, so I made this up as I read the thread: > > How many Army Logisticians does it take to change a light bulb? > > We have no light bulbs in stock, they are back-ordered with an EDD of September 2020, but we do have 42 cases of Spam available now. You could also run with: One, but if I give it to you I won’t have stock so you can’t have it. ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/93 "2019-07-16T02:38:38Z")
Q: How many Georgia Department of Education employees does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes: At least one teacher from each department in each school in the state missing several days of instructional time in the classroom to unpack the new bulb and benchmark it, aligning it with the standards of the old bulb in terms of volts, watts, and amperes, one committee to determine if the new bulb’s light is of enduring luminescence, one committee to do a filament analysis to see why the old light bulb was not successful at its illuminating process, one committee to rename the light bulb an “electrical glass-enveloped incandescent photon source ”, one to align the threads on the new bulb with the socket, And last but not least- One person to head a professional lighting learning community committee to involve all of the stakeholders in the twisting process when placing the electrical glass-enveloped incandescent lumen source in the socket. I wrote this about twelve years ago when I was still teaching. The buzzwords may have changed by now. ---
**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/94 "2019-07-16T04:22:47Z")
> [@ExTank](#): > > How many maintenance techs does it take to change a light bulb? Six > > 1 to actually change the light bulb. > 2 to stand back and watch, and tell him everything he’s doing wrong. > 1 to fill out the Job Safety Analysis. > 1 to fill out the Safe Work Permit. > 1 to explain to the Plant Manager/Safety Coordinator that, yes, the JSA/SWP have been filled out and properly filed. My place is similar. How many “company product” installers does it take to change a light bulb? Usually one, but the company insists on two for safety reasons. We’re sending three because the customer hasn’t told us how many light bulbs or how far from the sockets they’re stored, only that we can install them from midnight to six a.m. two days from now. Of course, that’s after your three page MOP\* is approved by the NOC\*\* 24 hours in advance. \*Method Of Procedure \*\*Network Operations Center How many dead \_\_\_\_ does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently more then five since my basement is still dark. ---
**Author:** ![Jaguars](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaguars/32/5879_2.png) [@Jaguars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaguars)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2019, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/95 "2019-07-16T04:32:56Z")
Made up on the spot: How many surveyors does it take to change a light bulb? Two, the first one screwed it halfway in and decided that it met class B tolerances Alternate answer: He never changed it, just planted a new one 30mm from the old one Plus an old one I heard years ago: How many Drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, these days they have a machine for that, too. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/96 "2019-07-17T09:33:25Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > Handyman here, how many handymen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, obviously. > > I just made this up. How many IT guys does it take to change a light bulb? Have you tried turning it off then back on again? > . I’ve done IT support. How many support guys does it take to change a light bulb? First, do you see a switch on the wall near the door? ---
**Author:** ![Carryon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Carryon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carryon)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/97 "2019-07-17T11:27:34Z")
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/98 "2019-07-17T12:30:18Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > I’ve done IT support. > > How many support guys does it take to change a light bulb? > > First, do you see a switch on the wall near the door? IT Help Desk variation: “Has the light bulb worked before?” ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/99 "2019-07-17T13:27:18Z")
> [@Folly](#): > > How many patent attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? > > Woah, woah…have you performed a freedom to operate analysis first? You might be the only one here who will get my version: Q: How many patent examiners does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s obvious. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2019, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825/100 "2019-07-17T13:34:02Z")
I don’t know any good ones for physicists, and we’ve already had a few for teachers, so here’s some for not-me: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb? None; they only change dark bulbs. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? One. How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? Klingon warriors are not afraid of the dark! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-your-professions-light-bulb-joke/836825.md?page=6)