# When baby-daddy refuses to acknowlege daddy-hood. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 26, 2012, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687 "2012-08-26T04:53:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/41 "2012-08-27T00:49:12Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > If kam says she knows who the father is based on her daughter’s word and physical resemblance, why on Earth should we doubt that? If this thread was in another forum I’d have more to say. Babies look like babies. There are hundreds of babies out there that are the spitting image of me; only two of them are mine. Just got done with my grandmother’s wake and funeral, where there were pictures of her as a young woman on display. Everyone commented on how much my cousin Amy looks like Grandma. Only Cousin Amy was adopted by my uncle when she was 6 - absolutely no biologic relation to Grandma. I’m not saying the daughter’s lying, just that physical resemblance is a lousy way to determine paternity, or maternity. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/42 "2012-08-27T01:02:11Z")
> [@Belowjob2.0](#): > > Nobody accused her of lying. Kam’s pretty clear about the fact that he’s the father, that her daughter says he’s the father and that there’s no chance he’s not the father, barring divine intervention. How could her daughter not be a liar if that turns out not to be true? No one used the word “liar”, but Ibanez and possibly others insisting we give the known scumbag\* the benefit of the doubt sure looks like they’re telling kam she should entertain the idea that her daughter is either lying, slutty enough to have genuinely lost track of who impregnated her or both - it that Kambuckta herself is being dishonest. Why can’t we take Kambuckta’s word that her daughter’s only sex partner at the time of conception was the father of her older child (which is what I think she meant by the immaculate conception reference) until there’s a reason to suspect her daughter of lying. If the presumed father was the poster here and asking for advice about how to deal with being falsely accused of paternity, I’d be advocating we assumed he was telling the truth\*\*. He’s not, and we don’t owe him anything. Let’s take Kambuckta’s OP at face value and not slight her daughter just because her daughter’s ex doesn’t agree about the facts of the case. An unwilling father disputing paternity just because he doesn’t want it to be true isn’t exactly unusual. - based on my recollection of custody issues kam discussed 3 or so years ago \*\* unless things he started telling us didn’t add up and there was reason to believe he was lying. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/43 "2012-08-27T01:03:24Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I mean, the choices are between telling son A “Your daddy loved you but I didn’t think it’d be fair to your brother to let him come around” or telling son B “Your daddy just doesn’t like YOU. He wants to be a father, loves your brother, but there’s something in you that makes you inherently unlovable”. I read a lot of Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for the Washington Post, and she gets the question about grandparents with blatant favoritism. Her advice is that the it’s never worth the damage to the least favorite in order to allow the favored one to still receive attention. > [@astro](#): > > Is the problem that he thinks (however irrationally) that your daughter is entrapping him somehow? It wouldn’t surprised me if the daughter did have that in mind, either consciously or not. It also wouldn’t surprise me if the daughter had told him that she was using birth control. Not that I’m saying she did, because we obviously don’t know enough about the situation, but it wouldn’t be the first time this happened. It’s possible that the guy could grow into the role, but if he didn’t, I’d think that she should sever contact rather than let the father play favorites like that. The situation sucks, but it’s a matter of what’s good for both kids. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/44 "2012-08-27T01:10:34Z")
> [@](#): > > However (and yes, she is a dill) she found herself pregnant to him again…and the new little babe is now 3 months old Seriously, until your daughter shows some maturity; I’d stay the fuck out of this. If history is any lesson, your daughter will be boinking said jerk off again. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/45 "2012-08-27T01:16:42Z")
My situation was a bit different, but I would certainly vote to sever the relationship if he won’t treat the kids equally. My husband and I each had a child when we got together. Grammy (my husbands mom) was a total bitch to my daughter. She’d show up at our house with a gift for her grandson, but nothing for my daughter. She’d take her grandson for the night, but refuse my daughters plea’s to stay too. It was painful for all of us and we severed the relationship with her over it eventually. Good luck to all of you. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/46 "2012-08-27T01:20:30Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > To those assuming DNA testing will fix the problem, it may not. As I understand it, he can’t be compelled to take a DNA test. If he refuses, the court will probably decide he’s the father and order his name to go on the birth certificate, and he’ll be on the hook for support. Then he can happily continue in his denial and throw in a little bitterness about being “screwed over” by the courts for good measure. Wouldn’t a DNA test on Kid 1 fix this problem? I should think that the difference between “full brother” and “half brother” ought to be fairly significant. ---
**Author:** ![Belowjob2.0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Belowjob2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belowjob2.0)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/47 "2012-08-27T03:14:09Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > Wouldn’t a DNA test on Kid 1 fix this problem? I should think that the difference between “full brother” and “half brother” ought to be fairly significant. Ding! We have a winner. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/48 "2012-08-27T05:49:36Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > I doubt that would be legally an option, assuming Australia doesn’t have extremely peculiar laws. The mother can’t just decide to cut contact between a father and his children. They can’t if the father fights it, but many will not. Custodial parents can often make things difficult enough (either for good cause or out of spite) for the noncustodial parent that they give up. And a lot of people just won’t get involved with the law unless they have to. Especially people who are doing things like lying about their income to avoid paying child support. Good chance this guy would just fade away, and probably bitterly blame the mother for keeping the kid he kind of cares about from him. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/49 "2012-08-27T06:10:59Z")
OK…I have no reason to disbelieve my daughter when she claims that the only sexual partner she has had since the conception of her FIRST child is the baby-daddy in question now. Although they did split after the birth of the first child, there was a reconciliation, and baby two was conceived at a time when future plans were being made to live together as a happy family: this fell through when (without giving too much detail away) a long-distant relative of baby-daddy instead moved in with him and the plans were otherwise shelved. I too hope that a DNA test will remove all his doubt and perhaps encourage him to be a more involved daddy with baby-two. However, I get the feeling that he is trying to make life for my daughter as hard as he possibly can, and it is through the children that he is making his objections very clear. The difficulty will be that even if he does not come around re his attitude to the baby, I doubt that the Family Court (here in Aus) would force him to have contact with a child he disowns, nor deny him access to the older child if he so desires it (which at this stage he definitely does). And as has been expressed by others here, the surest way to inflict damage upon a family is to pit child against child in the favourite’s stakes. That’s the dilemma ☹ ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/50 "2012-08-27T06:38:42Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > OK…I have no reason to disbelieve my daughter when she claims that the only sexual partner she has had since the conception of her FIRST child is the baby-daddy in question now. Although they did split after the birth of the first child, there was a reconciliation, and baby two was conceived at a time when future plans were being made to live together as a happy family: this fell through when (without giving too much detail away) a long-distant relative of baby-daddy instead moved in with him and the plans were otherwise shelved. > > I too hope that a DNA test will remove all his doubt and perhaps encourage him to be a more involved daddy with baby-two. However, I get the feeling that he is trying to make life for my daughter as hard as he possibly can, and it is through the children that he is making his objections very clear. > > The difficulty will be that even if he does not come around re his attitude to the baby, I doubt that the Family Court (here in Aus) would force him to have contact with a child he disowns, nor deny him access to the older child if he so desires it (which at this stage he definitely does). And as has been expressed by others here, the surest way to inflict damage upon a family is to pit child against child in the favourite’s stakes. > > That’s the dilemma ☹ This shunning attitude toward the second child has yet to be explained or elaborated on re your laying out the situation. I assume he has said _something_ to her on this issue re his problem with the baby. You seem to be treating this oddball position like a giant mystery or simply putting it in the category of him being a fractious prick. To love one biological child and shun the other, especially a baby, is _weird_. What has he _said_ to her about why he chooses to behave this way? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/51 "2012-08-27T06:39:48Z")
Oh, and **Eliahna** , apparently even a positive DNA outcome cannot force him to sign the birth certificate. As you say, refusal to take a test is adequate for the Child Support folks to nab him financially, so it doesn’t matter for them one way or the other, but nothing can compel him to sign the BC if he chooses not to. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/52 "2012-08-27T06:54:52Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Oh, and **Eliahna** , apparently even a positive DNA outcome cannot force him to sign the birth certificate. As you say, refusal to take a test is adequate for the Child Support folks to nab him financially, so it doesn’t matter for them one way or the other, but nothing can compel him to sign the BC if he chooses not to. A’s father never signed her certificate but he is named on it. That’s what I fought for, and when the DNA test proved paternity, the court ordered his name be added to the birth registration and the certificate. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t sign it because the parents signatures don’t appear on (Victorian) birth certificates anyway. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/53 "2012-08-27T07:02:02Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > A’s father never signed her certificate but he is named on it. That’s what I fought for, and when the DNA test proved paternity, the court ordered his name be added to the birth registration and the certificate. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t sign it because the parents signatures don’t appear on (Victorian) birth certificates anyway. Really? That is GREAT news…I was told differently, but I’ll go with your experience!! Thanks for the info…will pursue that as needed later. Cheers kam ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/54 "2012-08-27T09:52:44Z")
Latest news: we have a court date!! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/55 "2012-08-27T11:47:59Z")
> [@](#): > > if he’d just looked at her he’d have known with absolute certainty Really? ’ with absolute certainty’ ? ‘Believing’ the mother? Being ‘fairly certain’, based on a 3months old’s appearance? We’re supposed to be fighting ignorance here, not spreading it! Why can’t they DNA test to the older sibling again? ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/56 "2012-08-27T12:14:33Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Really? ’ with absolute certainty’ ? > > ‘Believing’ the mother? Being ‘fairly certain’, based on a 3months old’s appearance? > > We’re supposed to be fighting ignorance here, not spreading it! > > Why can’t they DNA test to the older sibling again? For one reason: I think the mother would have to pay for the test herself. The system is set up to refund the vindicated party: the mother and the purported father both pay the full fee for the test to be performed, and the man has his money refunded if it’s not him, the mother gets it back if it is. If the mother is having the brothers tested I imagine she would have to foot the bill. Why not leave it to the court to rule he’s the father? Either way she already knows the truth. She doesn’t need the DNA results, just a legal ruling. He’s the one who says he needs proof. Let him pay for it. And yes, with a touch of hyperbole I say absolute certainty! A mutual acquaintance identified my daughter’s father just by looking at her. She didn’t even know we knew each other. Sure, DNA provided _absolute_ certainty (99.997 percent, to be exact), but he absolutely would have known I was telling the truth had he ever laid eyes on her (I’m sure he would have gone ahead with DNA testing anyway, and crossed his fingers for a chance freak resemblance). ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/57 "2012-08-27T13:22:38Z")
> [@](#): > > A mutual acquaintance identified my daughter’s father just by looking at her. Again, we’re supposed to be fighting ignorance here. My sister’s child looks way, **way** more like me, than her. Most people would guess I am the mother. There’s conjecture (that sometimes does proves correct) and then there’s actual damn proof. I should think it is to everyone’s benefit to get the proof, now, before the water gets muddied anymore. So, moving forward there is no wiggle room, for anyone. I can’t imagine anyone taking, “but look at the resemblance!”, seriously. Because there is a test that will answer the question with actual absolute certainty. Get the test, quit dancing around it, then move forward. I should think the mother would be on board with the cost, to get this issue resolved. And I suspect the court would understand her desire to cut off all contact, as he is shunning one child (demonstratively his, DNA, not ‘just look at her/him!’), without cause. What kind of courts do you have in Australia? ---
**Author:** ![Bass\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@Bass\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bass_Chick)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/58 "2012-08-27T14:22:41Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Which brings me back to your situation: spending time with one and not the other Will Not Work. That way lies disaster, and honestly, I’ll say the same even if he isn’t the baby’s genetic father. When you have two kids, especially same gendered kids, especially that close in age, they’re a package deal. A good man wouldn’t care if the baby was “his”, he’d accept him because he is his son’s brother. Maybe not for the paying of child support, but socially and emotionally, you just don’t accept one brother and not the other if you are a decent human being. From a stepmother’s perspective - my stepdaughter is a part of my husband. If his ex had had children with some other man, it would have been up to her to encourage a relationship with _him_. Acknowledging that his son has a sibling is fine, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for him. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/59 "2012-08-27T14:35:21Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > Unless they were both on a deserted island when she got pregnant the second time around you don’t know that for sure. I know your saying it’s his, your daughter is saying it’s his. But obviously he has his doubts. > > I’m sure once the DNA test is done , and it comes back that he is indeed the father. I’m willing to bet his attitude is going to change. > > Get the DNA test done. CSB but me and my wife have joked about this, since I am the only white guy around for miles. Well we can save money on the paternity test at least so there is that! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2012, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687/60 "2012-08-27T23:03:42Z")
I really don’t understand why so many think the desired outcome is to have Studmuffin an involved parent. Doesn’t the family have uncles or cousins or step- or half-brothers who would love to be an active friend to both kids? I do not understand people who don’t take siblings as a set; my spouse’s previous spouse (not the cuddliest divorce, either) always had room at the party the kid’s step-_cousins_ (my relatives). Family is family, whether it is by blood, marriage, co-habitation, or the strong bounds of affection. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-baby-daddy-refuses-to-acknowlege-daddy-hood/632687.md?page=4)