# When does an ex stop being an ex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885 "2010-04-04T03:45:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/41 "2010-04-04T15:56:35Z")
> [@Gomi5](#): > > I really just wondered what Dopers thought about a relationship statute of limitations, where a new title can supplant the old one. For just this particular question, it totally depends on context. If you have an active friendship for 15 years after the end of the relationship, and you are telling your other friend some story about their cat, it’s ok to refer to them as “another friend of mine” without going into the backstory. In that context, that you once lived together doesn’t matter. OTOH, if you are introducing them to a new SO, I don’t care if it’s been 35 years, you can’t introduce them as a “friend” and then later (maybe months or years later) be “Oh, actually, we lived together for a couple years” without expecting some justified outrage. In that context, it is important information. As far as the larger question, I really, really think it depends on what you mean by “friends”: I’d be a lot more comfortable with keeping someone on the list of people you invite to shindigs, if you are a shindig person, and sometimes talking to them at shindigs, say, than I would with my husband emailing an old ex back and forth once or twice a week. If they had some activity they were both continually involved in–volunteering at the same soup kitchen, or belonging to the same gaming group–I’d be a lot more comfortable with that continuing than if they both decided to develop some new hobby together. If they worked the same place and sometimes ended up at the same happy hour, that would be ok: if they worked the same place and went out to lunch, just the two of them, that would bother me. Regardless, I think everyone is entitled to one or two irrational requests in a relationships, a few things that really aren’t fair–it can be “I just really hate cleaning litter boxes” or “I don’t want to confront my grandpa about politics, no matter what” or “I am going to be irrationally bitchy some mornings until I have my coffee”. If this woman, for whatever reason–something in his tone of voice when he talks about you, something about the way he describes that time, something about her last asshole boyfriend cheating on her and making her feel like a fool–if, for whatever reason, she’s asked him to cut this friendship, I think that’s the kind of thing it’s ok to do for love, and it doesn’t say anything one way or another about the wider relationship. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/42 "2010-04-04T16:06:32Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Obviously, there is a sexual attraction there or they wouldn’t have fucked in the first place. I never believe it for a second when people say they’re “just friends now.” My ass. They might not be fucking right now, but they still want to. It’s like they’re keeping a booty call on retainer. Spare me the idignance. This is absurd and I’m always amazed how you take your perspective and assume - no INSIST - that it’s the same perspective that everyone else shares. I have no more attraction for the Ex I mentioned than I do for my brother. We were friends for many years before we dated. We dated and it was a disaster. We went back to being friends. If all of your previous relationships were so shallow as to be boiled down to 'Someone I used to fuck." well, bully for you, but your experience is not my experience, is not the OPs experience is not **EvenSven** or **DianaG’s** experience so quit acting like it is an assuring us that we actually DO want to have sex with our exs. Trust me - I saw him yesterday and I really, really DON’T want to do the sexy time with him. Yitch. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/43 "2010-04-04T16:11:58Z")
There is so much emphasis on fucking in this thread, but the part I would be jealous of is the “old married couple” relationship that continued after the sparks were gone. I don’t think I would be comfortable with my husband having such an emotionally intimate relationship with another woman, whereas I have fine with (and sometimes amused by) crushes he has had since we’ve been married. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/44 "2010-04-04T16:13:57Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Bullshit. You don’t get to define normal and healthy, and your definition of “respect” is comparable to a toddler’s definition of “fair”, it only applies to \*you \*getting \*your \*way. > > We’re not talking about sleeping with your friends, we’re talking about being friends with people you’ve slept with, it’s not the same thing. And I’m apparently several ‘adult relationships’ up on you, having had more than one with people that I had actual feelings for. I’ve had the same one for 20 years. Quantity of “relationships” is not an indicator of wisdom. Quite the opposite, actually. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/45 "2010-04-04T16:16:45Z")
If you lived together, you never stop being an ex. That title can never be supplanted with friend. It can, however, be supplemented and become ex-I’m-still-friends-with and in some cases gradually transition to friend-who-is-also-an-ex. But the ex part is _always_ in there somewhere; a relationship that was serious enough to form a combined household and live in a state roughly approximating marriage is too much to just sweep under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. Which, if you expect the wife to accept you as his friend, full stop, is essentially what you’re asking her to do. To treat you as someone for whom he _never_ had any sort of meaningful non-platonic feelings. If the relationship was less serious, how long you get defined as an ex rather than a friend is a function of how long and serious the relationship was, how long ago it was, and how large a proportion of your lifetime that amount of time is of your lifetime. The younger you are, the shorter/less serious the relationship can have been and the longer ago it had to have happened for you to be a friend rather than an ex. Even if you guys hadn’t lived together, you would probably still be in the ex category rather than merely a friend, and you would definitely have been in the ex category back when they first started dating and she found out about you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/46 "2010-04-04T16:23:01Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Yeah, well if I were in a situation where my partner was trying to dictate who I could be friends with, I would most likely decide we have very different ideas about relationships and end things. Truyst has to be earned, not demanded, and you don’t earn it with this Jerry Springer teenager, 'I’ll do what I want" bullshit. If your “friendships” with prior fuck partners – especially ones you had long term, live-in reationships with, are more important to you than your current relationship, then you don’t really have a current relationship. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/47 "2010-04-04T16:23:54Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’ve had the same one for 20 years. Quantity of “relationships” is not an indicator of wisdom. Quite the opposite, actually. “Opposite” doesn’t mean what you think it does, either. Do you wish to be congratulated on your inability to form more than one significant emotional bond? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/48 "2010-04-04T16:28:31Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > “Opposite” doesn’t mean what you think it does, either. > > Do you wish to be congratulated on your inability to form more than one significant emotional bond? You’re saying that anyone who is in a long time, monogomous relationship is “immature?” What the fuck? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/49 "2010-04-04T16:36:55Z")
This thread went to dark places quickly. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/50 "2010-04-04T16:57:25Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Truyst has to be earned, not demanded, and you don’t earn it with this Jerry Springer teenager, 'I’ll do what I want" bullshit. > > If your “friendships” with prior fuck partners – especially ones you had long term, live-in reationships with, are more important to you than your current relationship, then you don’t really have a current relationship. In my relationships, trust- like love- is neither earned nor demanded. Trust is given freely, without conditions, without reservations. Anything less is…something less. I either trust someone entirely, in which case of course he can do whatever he wants. Or I don’t trust him, which means I need to put a lot of thought into how much I’m willing to invest in this dude. I don’t do “I kind of trust you.” If “I kind of trust” you, we are not going to become a serious relationship until I actually do trust you. Why would I marry someone I “kind of trust?” I don’t do ultimatums, so anyone posing one will see me choosing the “get lost” option. Of course I’m willing to change minor habits and the like. And of course I would work together on major life plans. But anyone who demands that I change something fundamental about who I am, such as who my closest friends are, obviously does not want to be with me. He wants to be with some non-existent fantasy Sven who has different thoughts and feelings than me. I am me. You love me or you don’t. You trust me or you don’t. It’s not just that I won’t change. It’s that you can’t change people. Marrying that alcoholic in hopes that he’ll sober up is usually a mistake. Marrying the bipolar girl in hopes that your love will cure her is usually a mistake. Marrying the girl you don’t trust in hopes that you can keep her from doing stuff that makes you worry is usually a mistake. If someone has something bad in them, that will surface eventually. So you gotta choose someone whose bad stuff you can live with. You gotta love them so much that the bad parts are okay. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/51 "2010-04-04T17:00:46Z")
> [@Gomi5](#): > > …he met the woman who is now, years later, his wife. She isn’t comfortable with the fact that he continued to know me, and has basically told him that he is not to be my friend Sufficient reason for him to ditch her as a bad idea all around. I totally don’t understand sexual jealousy and this is so far beyond the reasonable it’s not even part of the same continuum as anything I’d tolerate. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/52 "2010-04-04T17:28:33Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > In my relationships, trust- like love- is neither earned nor demanded. Trust is given freely, without conditions, without reservations. If that’s the case, then you’re doing both love and trust wrong. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/53 "2010-04-04T17:57:37Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > In my relationships, trust- like love- is neither earned nor demanded. Trust is given freely, without conditions, without reservations. Anything less is…something less. I either trust someone entirely, in which case of course he can do whatever he wants. Or I don’t trust him, which means I need to put a lot of thought into how much I’m willing to invest in this dude. I don’t do “I kind of trust you.” If “I kind of trust” you, we are not going to become a serious relationship until I actually do trust you. Why would I marry someone I “kind of trust?” I get where you’re coming from. I give trust freely in relationships because I come into them openly and usually with some sort of verbal discussion/agreement as to what we both expect at the beginning-- sometimes the terms of what we want get renegotiated (it certainly has on more than one occasion in my current relationship, otherwise I wouldn’t be married) so that it better fits our needs. Trust can be given freely if communication is a major element in the relationship itself; it just has to be present throughout all of it or else it may not work out. It doesn’t mean blindly trusting someone all the time, regardless of behavior, but it does mean trusting someone until they prove that they don’t deserve trust. I find that testing people’s trustworthiness tends to backfire into encouraging them to find ways to make you not trust them, or it pushes those people away. As for the OP, I’ve had that situation happen before. Had a friend for a long time, we fooled around once or twice when we were younger, totally NSA encounters that didn’t affect our friendship. He gets serious with a girl a number of years later, and she doesn’t like me; he got distant. It happens, it sucks, but sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone is going to be okay with the idea that their SO has slept with other people and is capable of being friends afterward. I’m not close with anyone in my past that I’ve slept with more than a few times, and I didn’t talk to my one significant ex for several years until I could distance myself from the way the relationship blew up; my husband doesn’t care one way or another because he knows the attraction is gone with that connection. As for seeing people for whom random “I want to fuck them” feelings arise, it’s common and a normal part of living for most people-- however, it’s how you act upon those feelings that’s important for the trust aspect of a relationship. OP’s friend/ex’s SO may have gotten burned by a past SO, or have trust issues stemming from her own past behavior; just let it go. If it becomes okay to be friends again, he’ll find you and let you know. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/54 "2010-04-04T18:32:52Z")
It would be a deal breaker if a potential spouse wanted me to dump my friends, be they past sexual partners, past exes, or not. I don’t toss friendships on a rubbish heap simply to satisfy unjustified jealousy. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/55 "2010-04-04T18:37:12Z")
Of course. If you are incapable of respecting your SO’s feelings, or prioritizing your primary relationship over having lunch with ex-partners then you are definitely not ready for marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/56 "2010-04-04T19:01:13Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I never believe it for a second when people say they’re “just friends now.” My ass. They might not be fucking right now, but they still want to. It’s like they’re keeping a booty call on retainer. Spare me the idignance. Obviously there are different opinions on this. I’m curious to see what the proportions are, so I’ve posted a poll: [Is your ex a booty call on retainer? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=558446) ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/57 "2010-04-04T19:06:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Of course. If you are incapable of respecting your SO’s feelings, or prioritizing your primary relationship over having lunch with ex-partners then you are definitely not ready for marriage. Not ready for marriage to you, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/58 "2010-04-04T19:13:27Z")
Dio, I’m curious as to your opinion on opposite sex friendships in general (not just friendships with exes). In your opinion, is it acceptable for a spouse to have close friendships with persons of the opposite sex with whom he or she has never had a sexual relationship? ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/59 "2010-04-04T19:15:08Z")
**Muffin** , your “poll” is nothing but an inflammatory strawman. This debate goes way deeper than your ex being nothing but a “booty call on retainer.” Please. This is about respecting your SO’s feelings towards a somewhat unusual situation (I say that because I believe people are more likely to not remain friends with exes than the opposite.) Your view shows a very selfish “it’s my way or the highway!” approach to relationships. Relationships are full of compromises, especially towards situations that can make one partner feel uncomfortable. Brushing your SO’s feelings aside with a dismissive “you’re being silly, I’ll do what I want” attitude is uncaring and callous. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/60 "2010-04-04T19:21:31Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > This debate goes way deeper than your ex being nothing but a “booty call on retainer.” You’d best speak to Dio about that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885.md?page=4)