# When does an ex stop being an ex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885 "2010-04-04T03:45:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/81 "2010-04-04T23:01:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Do you believe that people who have had long term, live-in relationships (or even marriages) to another person can suddenly just switch off all that emotional and sexual history and just see each other as platonic friends? Really? In some cases sure. Given time and space between them. Then again, it depends on how much time they spend together as friends. I’d sure be a little uncomfortable if my SO was spending a lot of 1 on 1 time with an ex. However if the ex was an occasional guest and someone we bumped into at family gatherings I’d have no problem with them actually liking each other. I prefer that to the what a prick/bitch drama. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/82 "2010-04-04T23:13:45Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Is there no level of friendship with an ex–or any member of the opposite sex–that would make you uncomfortable? Not if she called him first when she got good news? Not if she canceled plans with you because he asked her to go somewhere? Not if they talked on the phone for an hour a day? I agree with you that Diogenes seems to be taking this to an extreme, but I think the gray area in the middle is wider and grayer than you are admitting. Those examples might be of concern for me regardless of whether the friend was an ex-spouse or not. If any one of them were a not a concern relative to friend who was not an ex-spouse, then that same issue would not be a concern relative to a friend who was an ex-spouse. If any one of them were a concern relative to a friend who was an ex-spouse, then it would also be a concern relative to a friend who was not an ex-spouse. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/83 "2010-04-05T00:47:10Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Is there no level of friendship with an ex–or any member of the opposite sex–that would make you uncomfortable? Not if she called him first when she got good news? Not if she canceled plans with you because he asked her to go somewhere? Not if they talked on the phone for an hour a day? I agree with you that Diogenes seems to be taking this to an extreme, but I think the gray area in the middle is wider and grayer than you are admitting. Obviously, if this is happening, then there is something seriously wrong with our relationship. I’d probably realize that dude has some unresolved issues with his ex, and break it off long enough for him to work out what it is he needs to work out. If he wants to be with his ex, he wants to be with his ex. That’s a bummer for me, but that’s how it works sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/84 "2010-04-05T13:44:31Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Those examples might be of concern for me regardless of whether the friend was an ex-spouse or not. If any one of them were a not a concern relative to friend who was not an ex-spouse, then that same issue would not be a concern relative to a friend who was an ex-spouse. If any one of them were a concern relative to a friend who was an ex-spouse, then it would also be a concern relative to a friend who was not an ex-spouse. Yeah, but if you dared to tell your SO who they could and couldn’t see, you’d be emotionally abusing them, right? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/85 "2010-04-05T14:02:54Z")
An ex is always an ex. That said, if we weren’t friends with my old boyfriends and his old girlfriends we would have a much smaller social circle and wouldn’t go out much. I have one ex/old friend who I don’t see much of because his wife (of nearly 20 years, mother of his two children) is still threatened by me (married 15 myself with two children). I miss him and have concerns about the nature of his marriage, but he is a grown up and he makes his choices. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/86 "2010-04-05T14:07:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Calling discomfort about an SO still being friends with a serious ex “controlling” and “abuse” is too absurd to merit a response. It is, but frankly so is the assertion that it’s impossible to be platonic friends with someone you used to be involved with, and yet here we all are. > [@Manda JO](#): > > Is there no level of friendship with an ex–or any member of the opposite sex–that would make you uncomfortable? Not if she called him first when she got good news? Not if she canceled plans with you because he asked her to go somewhere? Not if they talked on the phone for an hour a day? If this is the case, do you really think that cutting off the ex solves the problem? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/87 "2010-04-05T14:09:25Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/88 "2010-04-05T14:14:43Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It kind of overrides everything else about the relationship. I think it’s ridiculous to piss all over people who have any discomfort about their SO’s still slipping around with old fuck partners. Obviously, there is a sexual attraction there or they wouldn’t have fucked in the first place. I never believe it for a second when people say they’re “just friends now.” My ass. They might not be fucking right now, but they still want to. It’s like they’re keeping a booty call on retainer. Spare me the idignance. BWHAHAHAHAHA. My ex-husband went from a guy who was a little squicky around the edges to a guy I wouldn’t get within ten feet of (literally, last I saw him he had a distinct unwashed odor). I’m still friends with my first ever boyfriend. Between seventeen and fourty three he has turned from a cute seventeen year old to a - well, he’s still cute, but most definitely NOT MY TYPE (nor am I his judging from the person he chose as his partner - he probably looks at my in a similar way - quite pretty, not his type). Granted, I’m 43. I’ve been with my current husband for 18 years. The guys I know that I dated have had plenty of opportunity to put on an extra 30 pounds (or 130), loose their hair, get tattoos and piercings, or just plain age. And the women my husband dated have had similar opportunities to gain weight, have their boobs sag. Moreover, we know each other well by now…there isn’t a lot of mystery when you’ve watched your friend’s marriages for twenty years. I could have married “that guy” - and then I’d be the one putting up with the fact that he’s never held a job he’s liked well enough to keep, or he doesn’t really help parent his own kids, or… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/89 "2010-04-05T14:21:55Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > It is, but frankly so is the assertion that it’s impossible to be platonic friends with someone you used to be involved with, and yet here we all are. Nobody said that. > [@](#): > > If this is the case, do you really think that cutting off the ex solves the problem? Yes, it solves the problem. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/90 "2010-04-05T14:26:31Z")
It doesn’t solve the problem that your spouse prefers their ex’s company to yours. Nothing’s going to solve that problem. Let them do what they will, and find someone who wants to be with you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/91 "2010-04-05T14:29:05Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > BWHAHAHAHAHA. > > My ex-husband went from a guy who was a little squicky around the edges to a guy I wouldn’t get within ten feet of (literally, last I saw him he had a distinct unwashed odor). If you’re not close friends with him then he’s not germane to the conversation. > [@](#): > > I’m still friends with my first ever boyfriend. Between seventeen and fourty three he has turned from a cute seventeen year old to a - well, he’s still cute, but most definitely NOT MY TYPE (nor am I his judging from the person he chose as his partner - he probably looks at my in a similar way - quite pretty, not his type). > > Granted, I’m 43. I’ve been with my current husband for 18 years. The guys I know that I dated have had plenty of opportunity to put on an extra 30 pounds (or 130), loose their hair, get tattoos and piercings, or just plain age. And the women my husband dated have had similar opportunities to gain weight, have their boobs sag. Moreover, we know each other well by now…there isn’t a lot of mystery when you’ve watched your friend’s marriages for twenty years. I could have married “that guy” - and then I’d be the one putting up with the fact that he’s never held a job he’s liked well enough to keep, or he doesn’t really help parent his own kids, or… I think you’re misunderstanding part of the discussion. It’s not about whether people necessarily still want to sleep with any and all exes. The discussion only pertains to people who maintain _close friendships_ with people they once had _serious_ relationships with. If your husband still purported to be “best friends” with an ex-wife, talked on the phone with her a lot, and spent weekends with her, how comfortable would you be? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/92 "2010-04-05T14:31:47Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > It doesn’t solve the problem that your spouse prefers their ex’s company to yours. So you admit it’s a problem. It’s also an easy problem for the spouse with the ex to solve. You just make a decision that you care about your spouse’s feelings more than your ex. If you _don’t_ care about your spouse more than your ex, then you shouldn’t be married. ETA, just to be clear, I’m saying that the spouse still seeing the ex has the responsibility to dial it back or cut it off, not the current SO. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/93 "2010-04-05T14:37:34Z")
In the instance described, of course it is. Thing is, in the instance described, the person clearly prefers the ex, and _shouldn’t_ be married to someone else. That problem is solved by dissolving the marriage, not the relationship with the ex, unless you’re willing to settle for being someone’s second choice. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/94 "2010-04-05T14:41:35Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > If you’re not close friends with him then he’s not germane to the conversation. > > I think you’re misunderstanding part of the discussion. It’s not about whether people necessarily still want to sleep with any and all exes. The discussion only pertains to people who maintain _close friendships_ with people they once had _serious_ relationships with. If your husband still purported to be “best friends” with an ex-wife, talked on the phone with her a lot, and spent weekends with her, how comfortable would you be? My husband is still CLOSE FRIENDS with a woman he once asked to marry him - in fact, recommended her for a job and for two years they worked together every day. Didn’t threaten me in the least. During my marriage I’ve even shared a hotel room with someone I used to date. Platonically - because - well, ick. So we are close enough friends to have shared a hotel room - though our dating was not serious. The aforementioned guy up thread was my best friend until his marriage. Then, obviously, he wasn’t because he valued his wife over me, as it SHOULD be. But there wasn’t any need for that because I broke up with him because he was thinking marriage and I wasn’t that attracted to him. I don’t want to sleep with ANY of my former boyfriends or husbands - no matter how close we remained. There is a reason they are EX’s. ---
**Author:** ![jali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecae2f/32.png) [@jali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jali)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/95 "2010-04-05T14:43:16Z")
My _best_ friend is an ex-boyfriend and our relationship has survived marriages, divorces, moves, and whatever. We stopped having sex because we realized that we were more like great friends than lovers and I’m so glad that he’s in my life today. I can’t imagine anyone telling me that this 25 year friendship has to end because they love me and I love them. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/96 "2010-04-05T14:44:33Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Yeah, but if you dared to tell your SO who they could and couldn’t see, you’d be emotionally abusing them, right? :rolleyes: Yes. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/97 "2010-04-05T14:48:15Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Anyway, personally I give and expect nothing more than trust and respect. If my man wants to spend the night with a bunch of naked strippers, I have two choices: > > A. Decide he is not a suitable partner and break up. > B. Decide he is a trustworthy partner and let him hang out with the strippers. > > I don’t consider “attempt to change or control him” an option. Adults love and respect each other for who they are, not for who they wish they were. And in the end, a cheater will cheat and a loyal person won’t. There is nothing you can do to stop a cheater from cheating. There is nothing you can do to make a loyal person cheat. So why not approach your relationship with love, hope and trust instead of suspicion and control? I really don’t think things can be considered in such a black and white manner. There are far too many shades of gray. Personally, I am friends with some of my exes. One that I was married to (with no kids). Another that I wasn’t very serious about but still talk to several times a month and occasionally get together with and ask for relationship advice. The person I just started seeing knows about this and doesn’t have a problem with it, which is great. However, I’ve been upfront about things (something a lot of people aren’t), and if he had an issue with things, I would talk to him about it and try to come to a compromise so that he felt comfortable with things. Rarely does any decision come down to only 2 choices; there are potentially hundreds of options to choose from. In your example, if I’m with a guy who wants to spend the night with a bunch of naked strippers, I have SEVERAL options. The first being to tell him how uncomfortable that makes me. If he trusts and respects me, shouldn’t he consider what will make me uncomfortable? In any relationship, the key is going to be having good, open communication with one another. In the OPs case, she may be missing what her ex has told his wife about her that made the wife feel uncomfortable. Perhaps the ex really didn’t want to continue the friendship and just used the wife as a scapegoat. There are numerous possibilities. What someone tells us is not always an accurate picture of the situation, but rather it’s their own personal slant. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/98 "2010-04-05T14:51:09Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > From what I have seen as a divorce lawyer, most spouses who separate, heal up, and then move on to a new relationship are not interested in having sex with their ex, but still maintain a relationship with their ex that ranges from civil to friendship. ( This is definitely not my experience as a divorce lawyer. Friendly ex spouses seems to be the exception, not the rule. Civil is common (usually for the benefit of the kids), and no further contact at all is common if there aren’t kids. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a situation where ex spouses went on to become best buds without benefits, although I acknowledge I don’t track my clients after their files are complete. I think that’s the reason why past serious relationships sometimes make current spouses uncomfortable. As others have said here, dating someone for a month fifteen years ago and remaining friends is significantly different than being married to or living with someone and remaining friends. I certainly don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel threatened by your partner maintaining a close friendship with someone they used to play house with. If my partner was very close with an ex, I might question what the motivation was, and whether that friendship takes something away from our marriage. If it’s a confidante type of relationship, I don’t think that’s appropriate. I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with him discussing details of our marriage with someone he used to be in a relationship with. I guess my thought would be, what does this person provide that I don’t? He has lots of other friends, why does he need to spend so much time with this particular person? And if they get along so famously, why did they break up in the first place? I think there needs to be clarification about what level of friendship we’re talking about, though. If we’re talking lots of one on one contact - phone calls, e-mails, evenings out, etc, it’s probably going to be an issue. If it’s a casual friendship, like having a chat when you run into each other at a mutual friend’s party or going out in a group that includes the ex, I don’t think it’s a problem at all. I certainly don’t think that having a problem with your partner having an extremely close relationship with an ex means you don’t trust him. Constantly being with a person who you have very fond feelings for and with whom you used to have a very intimate relationship can lead to a slip, no matter how well intentioned you may be. That’s just reality. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/99 "2010-04-05T14:59:55Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > In the instance described, of course it is. Thing is, in the instance described, the person clearly prefers the ex, and _shouldn’t_ be married to someone else. That problem is solved by dissolving the marriage, not the relationship with the ex, unless you’re willing to settle for being someone’s second choice. How could the problem not be solved by a person deciding to give a shit about his spouse more than his ex? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885/100 "2010-04-05T15:04:59Z")
It would, if the person were so inclined. But someone who calls their ex with good news before they call their spouse, and blows off the spouse to hang with the ex, is clearly NOT so inclined. It’s the not being inclined that’s the problem. You can’t seem to wrap your head around this “friends with the ex” thing, but let me help you out… I’m friends with my exes, but I don’t prioritize them above my current SO. That WOULD be inappropriate. But when I say “I don’t prioritize them above my SO” I mean “my SO comes first”, not “no one’s feeling matter except my SO’s.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-an-ex-stop-being-an-ex/534885.md?page=6)