# When does honesty become rudeness? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [February 5, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063 "2003-02-05T22:51:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/21 "2003-02-06T17:06:10Z")
“I don’t mean to be rude, but…” ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/22 "2003-02-06T17:41:47Z")
Well, I hate to say it, but Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby?) gave some pretty solid advice regarding when to say something and when to refrain. She said to ask yourself about your intended comment, “Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” If it’s at least two of those things, go ahead and say it. If it’s zero or one of those things, don’t say it. It’s not exactly a scientific litmus test, but it’s a good way of finding that line between honesty (assuming what you want to say is true) and rudeness. If it’s true and helpful, but not kind, it’s not rude, i.e., “You broke the code on this website, so our clients suddenly have an online store that doesn’t work. You’ll need to do x, y and z to fix it.” That’s both true and helpful, but not kind. As opposed to, “You broke the site, you worthless sack of crap!” See? True, but not helpful or kind. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/23 "2003-02-06T18:14:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by 23skidoo \* > \*\*Do you mean someone like Simon from American Idol? > > Someone who is considered “honest” by some, and “rude” by others? \*\* I don’t see how anyone can consider him to be honest. His criticism is clearly hyperbole. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weak\_Force](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9dc877/32.png) [@The\_Weak\_Force](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weak_Force)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/24 "2003-02-07T03:14:17Z")
Of course his criticisms are hyperbolic. It’s rhetoric. I do think he is being honest. He expresses himself freely. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/25 "2003-02-07T04:41:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dewey Cheatem Undhow \* > \*\*True 'nuff. Ironically, it was usually the least talented people who refused to believe they lacked talent. Some people are just impervious to reality, even when smacked upside the head by a Simon Cowell clue-by-four. > > But surely some sizeable portion of the contestants took the admonition seriously. Now they can focus on studying engineering or interior design or whatever else floats their boats. \*\* Which, of course, raises an interesting subpoint to this topic. Let’s take myself as an example of what I’m about to ask: I’ve always wanted to pursue writing as a career. I even got a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing, although I personally would be happy pursuing any sort of writing long-term. Suppose you though my writing skills stunk, and that I’d have no chance of making it. When would you say it, and how? If the Master’s Degree stuff complicates the question by being a significant monetary/emotional investment, feel free to delete it from the equation. I think you understand what I’m asking anyway. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/26 "2003-02-07T05:59:31Z")
Hmmm. It looks to me like diplomacy is becoming a lost art. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Beaker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Grim\_Beaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Beaker)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/27 "2003-02-07T20:03:37Z")
Honesty and rudeness, as has been pointed out, are not mutually exclusive. One can be honest and kind, honest and neutral or honest and rude. So, in that sense, honesty never _becomes_ rudeness unless that ingredient is injected into the “recipe” of conversation/behavior. BTW, good rule of thumb there **Beadalin**. Grim ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/28 "2003-02-07T20:27:55Z")
I don’t go around giving entirely unsolicited opinions which may be construed as being rude or unkind, but if someone specifically asks me a question, I will answer it as truthfully as possible. I don’t go out of my way to be hurtful, but will not sacrifice meaning in my answer for the sake of kindness. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/29 "2003-02-07T22:00:15Z")
um … > [@](#): > > If they were to do this, there would be no reason to watch the show whatsoever. I haven’t found one good reason to do so _yet_ 😛 :d&r: ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/30 "2003-02-07T22:02:52Z")
My WAG, Honesty became rude behavior when Courtesy was invented. This is when being elegent and refined was valued more than the facts. It then became rude to be indelicate. So instead of saying, “God God!! that’s a big ugly mole on your face!” You would say, “Good Gracious, m’lady! What a perfectly fine beauty mark.” ---
**Author:** ![Anaxagoras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b77776/32.png) [@Anaxagoras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaxagoras)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/31 "2003-02-08T03:56:30Z")
This is a topic I find incredibly confusing as well. I know someone who has, on separate occasions, accused me of being tactless and arrogant. Of course, to call another person tactless shows an incredible lack of tact. And to call another person arrogant is to set yourself up in judgement of that person – an incredibly arrogant thing to do. I had a problem with a cow-orker at a previous job who complained to my boss that I was rude. My boss inquired and I made polite excuses. But what I was thinking was “He’s a clueless moron who wastes my time and your money. He’s lucky I didn’t crush his skull.” Sometimes you have to be both rude _and_ honest, if only in self-defense. ---
**Author:** ![Anaxagoras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b77776/32.png) [@Anaxagoras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaxagoras)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/32 "2003-02-08T04:04:06Z")
This is a topic I find incredibly confusing as well. I know someone who has, on separate occasions, accused me of being tactless and arrogant. Of course, to call another person tactless shows an incredible lack of tact. And to call another person arrogant is to set yourself up in judgement of that person – an incredibly arrogant thing to do. I had a problem with a cow-orker at a previous job who complained to my boss that I was rude. My boss inquired and I made polite excuses. But what I was thinking was “He’s a clueless moron who wastes my time and your money. He’s lucky I didn’t crush his skull.” Sometimes you have to be both rude _and_ honest, if only in self-defense. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063/33 "2003-02-09T23:22:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Weak Force \* > \*\*Of course his criticisms are hyperbolic. It’s rhetoric. I do think he is being honest. He expresses himself freely. \*\* You don’t see how hyperbole and honesty are mutually exclusive? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-honesty-become-rudeness/153063.md?page=1)