# When does "looking up old friends" become stalkerish? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 27, 2010, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967 "2010-03-27T00:09:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/1 "2010-03-27T00:09:22Z")
I am not proficient at social networking, but I have enjoyed looking up old friends from high school and college. I have communicated with several of them, just to catch up to say hello, etc. It’s been fun. However… There is one former “crush” from high school that I have not been able to find. We dated for a while, but it was one of those “right person, wrong time” situations. We parted friends and kept in friendly touch for a while, but then gradually lost contact. So, it’s been over 20 years since we’ve been in touch. I’ve Googled him, did a search on Facebook, Myspace, our high school alumni site, the usual places; but he doesn’t seem to be “online” anywhere. I’d really like to find him; sure, I admit it’s a bit of a fantasy that he could be single and we could rekindle, but I think it’s most likely that he’s happily married with kids now. At the very least, I’d like to see how he is, I’d be happy for him if he is happy. Really. I mean that. Really. I’m not sure if it’s “creepy” if I make more of an effort to find him. I guess I could post a message on the high school message board, asking if anyone knows his whereabouts; and his sister is listed on FB and [Classmates.com](http://Classmates.com), I could send her a note. But would she think I was stalking him? Would his wife think it was creepy? How far is too far? ---
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/2 "2010-03-27T00:17:00Z")
I don’t think it would be creepy to ask his sister how he’s doing, and if he is alive and single, to hit her up for his email address. But much beyond that would start to be creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/3 "2010-03-27T00:21:19Z")
Oh, I can tell you exactly how far is too far. Too far is a dozen messages, each longer than the last, wondering why they’re not contacting you back. Even if it includes everything about the past relationship, apologies for things probably already forgotten, pleading for contact…just don’t. A single ‘Hey what’s up; remember me?’ is perfectly fine…provided it isn’t followed by months of ‘HEY IT’S REALLY ME! I CALLED YOUR FAMILY, WHY WON’T YOU WRITE BACK?’. Had an old highschool friend do that to me, and honestly, it freaked me out. And that was just a girl friend \; even without any sexual possibilities, having someone come on that strong just…is too much. Keep it light, keep it brief, let him make the next move. And make your message title really obvious that it’s not spam; it still might end up in the trash, but no response after, at most, two tries, is no excuse for free-form written diarrhea. Just my opinion, of course. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/4 "2010-03-27T00:33:45Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > Oh, I can tell you exactly how far is too far. > > Too far is a dozen messages, each longer than the last, wondering why they’re not contacting you back. Even if it includes everything about the past relationship, apologies for things probably already forgotten, pleading for contact…just don’t. > > A single ‘Hey what’s up; remember me?’ is perfectly fine…provided it isn’t followed by months of ‘HEY IT’S REALLY ME! I CALLED YOUR FAMILY, WHY WON’T YOU WRITE BACK?’. The problem is, I can’t find HIM, only his sister. I thought about sending her a note to say, “Hey, I knew your brother in high school, I was wondering how he is. My email address is xxxx, would you please pass it on to him, and tell him I’d like to hear from him?” She may remember that I dated him and not pass it on; or she might mention it to him, I don’t know. If I don’t hear from him, I would never know if she didn’t tell him, or if she told him and he didn’t want to talk to me. Is it worth a shot? ---
**Author:** ![JiveCoolie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/eada6e/32.png) [@JiveCoolie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JiveCoolie)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/5 "2010-03-27T00:40:45Z")
I’d say it’s worth a shot. Communicating with the sister and maybe following up once if you get no response is still ok, I think. More than that and you’re getting pretty intrusive and creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/6 "2010-03-27T00:42:34Z")
I don’t see any problem with emailing his sister. Remember, it only seems stalkerish to YOU, and only because of all the other things you’ve already done to try and locate him. As far as she knows, you just found her on FB an decided to ask about her brother. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/7 "2010-03-27T01:03:05Z")
In my circle of friends, I have something of a reputation as the person who can track down old friends when the usual searches don’t turn up anything. The issue is not how hard you try to find him. After all, anyone trying to track down every member of their family tree will probably put in hours and hours of searching through increasingly obscure resources. The issue is what you do once you have contact information, and the answer is simple. You’re allowed one (1) “hi, how are you?” either directly or through his sister. After that, you stop. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/8 "2010-03-27T01:06:07Z")
[http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp](http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp) ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/9 "2010-03-27T21:37:21Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > I am not proficient at social networking, but I have enjoyed looking up old friends from high school and college. I have communicated with several of them, just to catch up to say hello, etc. It’s been fun. However… > > There is one former “crush” from high school that I have not been able to find. We dated for a while, but it was one of those “right person, wrong time” situations. We parted friends and kept in friendly touch for a while, but then gradually lost contact. > > So, it’s been over 20 years since we’ve been in touch. I’ve Googled him, did a search on Facebook, Myspace, our high school alumni site, the usual places; but he doesn’t seem to be “online” anywhere. I’d really like to find him; sure, I admit it’s a bit of a fantasy that he could be single and we could rekindle, but I think it’s most likely that he’s happily married with kids now. At the very least, I’d like to see how he is, I’d be happy for him if he is happy. Really. I mean that. Really. > > I’m not sure if it’s “creepy” if I make more of an effort to find him. I guess I could post a message on the high school message board, asking if anyone knows his whereabouts; and his sister is listed on FB and [Classmates.com](http://Classmates.com), I could send her a note. But would she think I was stalking him? Would his wife think it was creepy? How far is too far? I know where you live heh heh heh,I’ve seen your underwear baby,Heh heh heh to be quite honest he’s probably totally different from how you remember him. I’ve bumped into two of my ex’es after a good many years and they were completely different from how I remembered them. One was overweight and the other had developed a weird gravelly voice. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/10 "2010-03-27T21:50:55Z")
If you parted friends with aboslutely no animosity then it’s fine. If someone tells you to “drop off” I would say that’s an indication all contact, anytime in the future is not welcomed. From _Mary Tyler Moore_, Rhoda talking about a guy she’s hoping will ask her out. Rhoda: You know Mary, you get to the point after a nice pleasant coversation and you’re wondering, “Will he ask me out or won’t he.” And then he gets up to leave and you’re hoping for anything a “See you later,” “We’ll talk soon,” or at the very least “I do hope that within the span of our lifetimes our paths will cross again.” So I waited but nothing… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/11 "2010-03-27T22:48:59Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > In my circle of friends, I have something of a reputation as the person who can track down old friends when the usual searches don’t turn up anything. > > The issue is not how hard you try to find him. After all, anyone trying to track down every member of their family tree will probably put in hours and hours of searching through increasingly obscure resources. > > The issue is what you do once you have contact information, and the answer is simple. You’re allowed one (1) “hi, how are you?” either directly or through his sister. After that, you stop. My question is how you find someone who has a very common name. And it doesn’t even have to be “John Smith,” but even a fairly uncommon name can give you dozens of hits, just from one city. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/12 "2010-03-27T23:39:06Z")
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending the sister a Facebook message. I would say something along the lines of “your brother doesn’t seem to be on Facebook, but I was wondering how he’s doing.” If she responds, great. If not, I’d leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/13 "2010-03-28T00:59:09Z")
Veromi lets you enter city off birth, DOB and age. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/14 "2010-03-28T02:21:06Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > [http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp](http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp) Whoa. That thing just found my best friend from university. I put in name and last known city of residence (in CA). Some of the suggested relatives seemed awfully familiar too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/15 "2010-03-28T11:39:50Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Veromi lets you enter city off birth, DOB and age. Thank you, CP, I put him in and it did show my old crush! It lists the city he lived in when we were in high school; the city he lived in when we were dating way back when; his sister’s name as one of the relations/friends, etc. But apparently he doesn’t have a listed phone number, and I checked tax records to see if he currently owns a home in any of the towns listed and there’s nothing (see, here’s where I start to sound stalkerish - but tax records are public information and are easily accessible). Of course, that could mean he rents rather than owns, or perhaps the house is listed in his wife’s name. I’m a little reluctant to pay for a background search, that’s where even I think it starts to sound creepy. I was just figuring that if I could get an email address from FB or his sister, that would be a low-key way to say hello. It just seems odd to me that he is NOWHERE on any of the usual sites; I even googled his name to see if he would be referenced in work-related newspaper articles, etc. and there’s nothing. He has a not-common but also not-bizarre name, so the name comes up but none of them seem to be him. I agree that he will have changed; so have I. At the very least I would like to just know that he is still alive and happy. I think tonight I will send an email to his sister, but there’s a part of me that’s afraid she’ll email me back and say, “Oh, he died five years ago.” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/16 "2010-03-28T14:50:00Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > Thank you, CP, I put him in and it did show my old crush! Glad to help. I paid to check on tenant applicants. > [@DivineComedienne](#): > > but there’s a part of me that’s afraid she’ll email me back and say, “Oh, he died five years ago.” Sweet Jesus. Go for it. ---
**Author:** ![middleman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@middleman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/middleman)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/17 "2010-03-28T19:47:49Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > The problem is, I can’t find HIM, only his sister. I thought about sending her a note to say, “Hey, I knew your brother in high school, I was wondering how he is. My email address is xxxx, would you please pass it on to him, and tell him I’d like to hear from him?” She may remember that I dated him and not pass it on; or she might mention it to him, I don’t know. If I don’t hear from him, I would never know if she didn’t tell him, or if she told him and he didn’t want to talk to me. Is it worth a shot? Nothing wrong with it. Just say hello, give your info, and put the ball in their court. My only caution is think about it as an update rather than a possible relationship. 20 years is a LONG time. > [@Markxxx](#): > > If you parted friends with aboslutely no animosity then it’s fine. 🙂 Even if there was SOME animosity, after enough time, I think it is fine to pop in to say hi (if you slept with mom or dad or killed his dog gangland style, you might pass on that reconnection). I’m FB friends with almost all of my ex-girlfriends, even ones that I never spoke to after breaking up. Time heals most wounds. ---
**Author:** ![Neptunian\_Slug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce7236/32.png) [@Neptunian\_Slug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neptunian_Slug)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/18 "2010-03-28T21:14:09Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > My question is how you find someone who has a very common name. And it doesn’t even have to be “John Smith,” but even a fairly uncommon name can give you dozens of hits, just from one city. I decided to look up some old long lost friends and had the same problem. Fortunately two of our old gang had extremely uncommon names. So I ended up looking up those guys and found the name I was looking for under their friend list. But I decided not to stalk them. I figured if I haven’t had anything to say to them for 25 years, why start now. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/19 "2010-03-28T21:35:24Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > [http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp](http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp) Haha! It didn’t find me! Well, kinda. It found my maiden name, but not my married name. Granted, I’ve only been married for a couple months, but still. Anyway, I’m agreeing with the others. One quick “Hi, how are ya?” works. Other than that, you’re getting creepy. ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/20 "2010-03-28T21:41:31Z")
If someone isn’t on facebook or myspace, or an old school base, I’d say they aren’t online findable. However, I enjoy reading court records, which are public, I’ve been surprised how many people i went to school with are divorced. Also surprised at some felonies. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967.md?page=2)