# When does "looking up old friends" become stalkerish? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 27, 2010, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967 "2010-03-27T00:09:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/21 "2010-03-28T21:54:38Z")
One thing to consider: There’s a subset of people who have currently have a stalker and make an active commitment to keep any personally identifiable information off the public internet. If you manage to find them through some obscure channel they previously hadn’t considered, then they know precisely how much effort you took in finding them and it could be interpreted as extremely creepy. As people are becoming increasingly more networked, it’s becoming more and more the case that the reason you can’t find them online is because they prefer it that way for their own personal reasons. ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/22 "2010-03-28T22:12:46Z")
> [@Shalmanese](#): > > As people are becoming increasingly more networked, it’s becoming more and more the case that the reason you can’t find them online is because they prefer it that way for their own personal reasons. That’s a good point. I don’t do the social networking thing; I only signed up for FB myself so I could check to see what my son was posting there. I’m not hiding, I’m just “technologically inept”. My FB page is essentially blank, except for my name. I know that some people just don’t network (especially older people), and some people don’t want to be found. Well, I sent a note to his sister this afternoon. I just said that I’ve kept in touch with some other friends from high school, but no one seems to know what happened to my friend; and I’d be happy to hear from him if she wouldn’t mind passing on my email address to him. We’ll see how it goes, I’ll let you know if I hear back! ---
**Author:** ![maplekiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@maplekiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maplekiwi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/23 "2010-03-28T22:13:15Z")
> [@Shalmanese](#): > > One thing to consider: There’s a subset of people who have currently have a stalker and make an active commitment to keep any personally identifiable information off the public internet. If you manage to find them through some obscure channel they previously hadn’t considered, then they know precisely how much effort you took in finding them and it could be interpreted as extremely creepy. > > As people are becoming increasingly more networked, it’s becoming more and more the case that the reason you can’t find them online is because they prefer it that way for their own personal reasons. This is one possibility - the other is he could be dead. (Sorry Comedienne) If you decide to approach his sister be very careful with your wording! ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/24 "2010-03-29T00:13:00Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > [http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp](http://www.veromi.net/processor.asp) That link is pay only. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/25 "2010-03-29T00:25:22Z")
> [@BigBertha](#): > > That link is pay only. You can do an itial search for free. ---
**Author:** ![OneChance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/74df32/32.png) [@OneChance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneChance)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/26 "2010-03-29T00:51:33Z")
Unfortunately, **maplekiwi** may be right. When I signed up on Facebook a couple of years ago I looked for this girl that I knew from high school 20 years ago. I found a mutual friend from back then and asked her about this other girl. It turns out she was killed in a car accident a few years earlier. ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/27 "2010-03-29T01:19:23Z")
> [@OneChance](#): > > Unfortunately, **maplekiwi** may be right. When I signed up on Facebook a couple of years ago I looked for this girl that I knew from high school 20 years ago. I found a mutual friend from back then and asked her about this other girl. It turns out she was killed in a car accident a few years earlier. Yes, I’m finding out that, at my age (40’s) that is not unheard-of. I went to a reunion in the fall, and several classmates were dead, many had had cancer, heart attacks, other illnesses, etc. I did find out that I was searching tax records in the wrong town (house in one town, post office in another, I guess); turns out my old crush bought a home in the 90’s and is still there (or at least, he still pays the taxes). House is in his name only, though, so I’m guessing he’s still alive. I don’t know that I necessarily expect/hope for a relationship after all this time; he’s probably long married and happy. But, in some way, it would be nice to know that he remembers me fondly as I remember him. Earlier tonight, I heard from a high-school friend, she’s been married 28 years and is very happy. She had a hard time in high school, so it’s nice to know that things turned out well for her. ---
**Author:** ![maplekiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@maplekiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maplekiwi)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/28 "2010-03-29T01:32:45Z")
Well its possible. I just did a Google search for my best friend. & nothing came up. Her phone number is listed with her & her husband’s surname & initials only. The only other way for a stalker to track her down would be the electoral rolls which would be time consuming. (I’m in NZ) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/29 "2010-03-29T01:58:33Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > I went to a reunion in the fall, and several classmates were dead, many had had cancer, heart attacks, other illnesses, etc. Maybe I should go to those things. I hated most of those bastards in High School. Thought I’d be visiting them in jail now, but I’m begging them for money at the bank. Still, if some of them are dead…🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/30 "2010-03-29T19:20:42Z")
I thought I had heard from all my old girlfriends until today. I’ve been in touch with a hundred friends from high school - just hey, how are you, man you’re fat - stuff like that. I couldn’t care less about finding and re-doing anyone, but it’s interesting to see how everyone has progressed through life. I moved from Nashville to Atlanta, and although there are a handful of those kids here in town, I haven’t gotten together with them. This morning’s FB message was from girl I knew for only a summer, but it was a white-hot free-for-all until she had to go back home. I lived next-door to her dad, & she was visiting for the summer. She was 17, I was 19, and I’ve never heard from her again until today, and that’s about 28 years, now. Looks like she’s married & living a normal life in Ohio - (if you can call that living!) sorry Ohio:D It will be interesting to chat a bit, but then we’ll go about our normal lives, just like every other re-union on FB I suppose. You want to roll the dice & see if he’s up for Happily Ever After, I say go for it. At worst, you’ll find he’s got a family & has a happy, normal life. You’ll be happy for him then, right? ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/31 "2010-03-29T23:49:38Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > You want to roll the dice & see if he’s up for Happily Ever After, I say go for it. > At worst, you’ll find he’s got a family & has a happy, normal life. > You’ll be happy for him then, right? Yes, actually, I would be. I’m sure that all these years later we have nothing in common, but it would be fun to find out how things have turned out for him. Still waiting to hear back from the message I sent his sister - ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/32 "2010-03-30T04:14:27Z")
If you wind up being ‘friends’ on Facebook, don’t send send him any news about your farm, or the mafia. ---
**Author:** ![notfrommensa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f14d63/32.png) [@notfrommensa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/notfrommensa)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/33 "2010-03-30T05:18:33Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Veromi lets you enter city off birth, DOB and age. Veromi kind of spooked me The first hit found me, no surpise at my current address, and three of the towns I lived in in the last 25 year. None of the suggested relative or roommates were relatives or former roommates, although I do know one of the suggested relaitves. He is a member of the same golf club as I am, but that is a far as our relationship gets. 2nd hit was also me, at my high school town 30 yrs ago and I put in my name, and suggested my Mother as a relative, and she 25 yrs ago. 3rd hit was also me, but not a town that I lived, but a very small town my mother lived in after I graduated from High school and was going to college. My suggested relatives all had Latin names and I am about as far from Latin as you can possibly be. 4th hit was me at one of the town suggested in the first hit. More than 20 yrs ago. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/34 "2010-03-30T13:32:42Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Maybe I should go to those things. I hated most of those bastards in High School. Thought I’d be visiting them in jail now, but I’m begging them for money at the bank. > Still, if some of them are dead…🙂 That made me laugh. We go to hell together. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/35 "2010-03-30T13:45:07Z")
I think our modern culture has blurred the line between “diligently trying to find an old friend” and “stalkerish.” And I say that as someone who has been stalked. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/36 "2010-03-30T14:18:07Z")
Ok - this group seems kinda of good to ask - I was looking for a friend from high school - found her mom - who is a Justice of the Peace in VT. So, the only way I could contact her is call Town Hall and ask for some contact information for her mom (phone or hopefully an email) and then contact her mom. I would hate to bring up painful memories for her mom if my friend is now dead - but I have some pics of my friend from when we were roommates (I went to a small boarding school) that I thought she would enjoy. I’m not the only one who is looking for her - one of our guy friends is looking for her too - and he’s not had any luck either. (I think he’s trying to do the rekindle thing - but y’know - that’s between them.) ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/37 "2010-03-30T14:38:03Z")
**MH** , I think that would be fine. I don’t know how old you are but I’m thinking the vast majority of your past friends aren’t dead… ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/38 "2010-03-30T14:57:02Z")
> [@Surly\_Chick](#): > > **MH** , I think that would be fine. I don’t know how old you are but I’m thinking the vast majority of your past friends aren’t dead… I’m almost _gasp_ 40. And yes, most of my friends are not dead - but enough have died since high school - and enough of us are trying to find her unsuccessfully - to make me worry. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/39 "2010-03-30T17:48:28Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > I would hate to bring up painful memories for her mom if my friend is now dead - but I have some pics of my friend from when we were roommates (I went to a small boarding school) that I thought she would enjoy. Miss Manners regularly tells people that there’s no point in being afraid of “bringing up painful memories”. If you lost your child, it’s not like you’re going along blissfully unaware of it until someone is so callous as to mention her. I’m sure that, even in that worst case, her mom would find it nice to hear your happy memories and see your photographs. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967/40 "2010-03-30T17:59:07Z")
Well, I called town hall and got the mom’s phone number (no email available). So I’ll call her tonight or tomorrow. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-looking-up-old-friends-become-stalkerish/533967.md?page=3)