# When does virginity and age become weird? (Offshoot of What's sexier)

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [July 13, 2005, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302 "2005-07-13T05:06:55Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 4

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**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/61 "2005-07-13T21:49:18Z")

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> [@SlyFrog](#):
>
> Lie? Coke bottle?

Oh, that is just disgusting.

I prefer Pepsi. 😃

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**Author:** ![The\_Hook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@The\_Hook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hook)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/62 "2005-07-13T22:06:44Z")

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> [@Guinastasia](#):
>
> How is a person supposed to lose his or her virginity if, after a certain age, people start saying, “Oh, that’s weird, I’d never date them!”
> 
> You’re kinda stuck in a catch 22 then.

Exactly what I wanted to say. I’d better put a lock on my thoughts to prevent posts like yours in the future. It’s the same when I read the classifieds section: they all want someone with years of experience on the field. If everyone wants this, how the hell are the new guys supposed to ever work? :dubious: My sexual curriculum looks grim, that’s for sure.

-Hook, high sex drive, morbidly INTP

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**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/63 "2005-07-13T22:22:05Z")

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> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> You would lose your job if were to hire a hooker? I’m curious. How? Why? How would they even know?

I’m in a position of trust and have signed assorted bits of paper. Further, my name is unique within the U.K., so I’m particularly easy to trace.

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**Author:** ![tim314](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim314/32/3468_2.png) [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/64 "2005-07-13T22:24:46Z")

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There’s different degrees of choosing not to have sex. Some people say “I won’t have sex until I’m married,” and that’s that. But there are other people who just don’t want to have sex with someone until they’re in a committed, long-term relationship. Finding someone you could have that sort of relationship with takes time and effort, and building a relationship to that point takes more time and effort. And for some people, it’s just not a priority, or perhaps it only becomes a priority once they reach a certain point in their life.

So yeah, it’s probably true that if someone _wants_ to lose their virginity, and actively works to do so from the time they’re 18, and they still haven’t succeeded by 20 or 21, there may be something “wrong with them” (maybe as simple as the fact that they’re only approaching people who are “out of their league” when it comes to physical attractiveness.) I’m talking someone who goes out to parties or bars every weekend actively looking for a one night stand, and never finds anything.

On the other hand, there are also people who, while they don’t care about waiting until they’re married and don’t have any major hangups about sex, just don’t want to have sex with someone if it’s only a casual relationship or one night stand. And if they aren’t making much effort to find a serious boyfriend/girlfriend, it probably won’t happen. If that’s the case, I don’t see anything weird about someone remaining a virgin until whatever point in their life when they decide to start making finding a relationship more of a priority.

I’d put myself in the latter category. I was a virgin until I was 23, not because of an aversion to sex, but because I wasn’t looking for casual sex, and because I wasn’t really devoting much effort to finding a serious relationship until I got to grad school. I just had other things in my life that were bigger priorities to me. I don’t think there’s anything weird about that. I suppose that in some sense you could say I’d never had the opportunity to have sex. But the only reason I hadn’t had that opportunity is that I hadn’t looked for it by doing things like looking for one night stands or asking a lot of people on dates.

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**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/65 "2005-07-13T23:06:18Z")

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> [@severus](#):
>
> Before knowing if I love someone, I need to spend time with them and see what happens, but I don’t need to have sex yet.

Well, that’s fine. But I just think you need to have your eyes open that there are many people out there, some of whom are quite loveable, that aren’t going to want to wait that long. If you end up digging one of them, eventually you’re going to have to choose between giving her up or giving it up, because she’s not going to wait untill you’re both otherwise head over heels.

I’ll also note that in my experience, once girls pass about 25 or so, they not-infrequently start thinking more seriously about meeting the man they want to marry. Those women are going to become less and less likely to spend extended time in any relationship unless they see a reasonable chance of it heading somewhere. This is of course a gross overgeneralization about women in particular, but as long as it happens more than a sliver, it impacts the ability of straight guys to find girls comfortable with a long feeling out period.

> [@](#):
>
> I don’t think sex is the most important part of a relationship, and I would even say that there are probably elements of a relationship that are more important than sex.

There absolutely are. I’ve never said differently.

> [@](#):
>
> message is “see, it’s fun, and everybody does it so you should too, and if you don’t you’re not normal, or you’re a loser, or whatever”

I don’t think it means you’re a loser. It’s abnormal in the strict sense of being outside a standard dev, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with it. But what I’ve said upthread is that being an adult virgin signals to potential partners that regardless of how well you hit it off, they’re not going to be having any sex with you for quite some time. Which seems to me an accurate assumption, and I think you agree with me on that. And _that_ means, for the run of potential partners, the ones who think they’ll want to have sex before falling in love, the ones who think sex is an important component of a relationship’s success even if not in the top five, the ones that think sexual compatability is a vital piece of information in evaluating long-term potential, even the ones who just want to get laid again in the next six months, they are going to assume – probably correctly – that this isn’t a relationship they are going to find satisfying. And I think the vast majority of people fall into at least one of those categories, and that this majority becomes even more lopsided as you age. So by refusing to have sex until what I and IMO most others would call atypically late in a relationship, a person is significantly limiting his pool.

He’s also not getting laid, which is too bad on its own. 😉

–Cliffy

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**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/66 "2005-07-13T23:25:59Z")

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I wish people wouldn’t immediately think that because I’m a virgin, that means anyone dating me won’t get anything for a long time. Unless the person has expressed that the reason to remain virgin is religious (saving it for marriage), I think it is an incorrect assumption on the other partner.

Perhaps they haven’t had the opportunity to date, after all. Probably because nobody they know will date them… and the strangers they do meet that ask them out…well… I’m not too interested in going out with people who are old enough to be my dad, and that makes up more than half of all the guys that hit on me.

Actually, the thing I hate the most about being an adult virgin is precisely the misconception that people will think I’m more conservative than I really am. That perhaps I’m that way because of my religious beliefs. And I really don’t want to be in a relationship with a conservative, either.

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**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/67 "2005-07-13T23:37:40Z")

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It’s overrated. Fun, yes, but overrated, and way too much effort goes into making it happen. We can do it ourselves, whenever we want, and it is a lot less work, cheaper, and often more satisfying (or, to paraphrase Woody Allen, at least it would be with someone we love.) When you go long enough without, you realize how it’s not a big deal at all, you don’t need it, and you’re more productive and saner without it. If I was a really good-looking guy, I’d gleefully turn down hot women’s advances all the time. Sadly, I’m not, so this is not really an option.

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**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/68 "2005-07-13T23:58:00Z")

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> [@Big Bad Voodoo Lou](#):
>
> If I was a really good-looking guy, I’d gleefully turn down hot women’s advances all the time. Sadly, I’m not, so this is not really an option.

You can always start a band.

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**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/69 "2005-07-14T00:03:13Z")

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> [@Wesley Clark](#):
>
> You can always start a band.

Been there, done that. (You have no idea.)

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**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/70 "2005-07-14T00:08:59Z")

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> [@severus](#):
>
> Also, I don’t quite see what is this obsession with sex. The fact that I don’t currently have a romantic relationship (and never have had) bothers me a lot more than lack of sex. I guess I’m just old-fashioned.

That describes me too. It doesn’t really bother me a lot anymore though, but I’d rather be taken seriously enough by the opposite sex to date and mingle than have a quickie with a drunken slut.

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**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/71 "2005-07-14T00:18:39Z")

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> [@Wesley Clark](#):
>
> That describes me too. It doesn’t really bother me a lot anymore though, but I’d rather be taken seriously enough by the opposite sex to date and mingle than have a quickie with a drunken slut.

What!? 😕 How did it come down to only these two alternatives?

I hate to inject reason into such a thread, but listen. Here’s what we’ve come up with.

[ul]  
[li] Some people choose to remain virgins for personal reasons.[/li][li] Some people choose not to.[/li][li] Sometimes, you may be judged on either of these results.[/li][li] Some people may judge you negatively, others may not care as much. [/li][li] That’s life![/li][/ul]

Honestly. People are getting offended because we stated our _opinion_, in an \*IMHO \* thread, asking for _opinions_.

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**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/72 "2005-07-14T00:23:27Z")

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I should probably find some of the comments in this thread somewhat offensive, but I don’t - it took me 27 years to find the person I wanted to lose my virginity to, and it was well worth it because two years later, we were married and are still quite happily married ten months later. I know how things worked out for me, and I’m extremely happy with how they worked out.

I am not a freak of nature, I am not a religious nut, I am not unattractive or frigid or picky. However, I _was_ raped at quite a young age (seven), so I had my reasons for waiting as long as I did. It took a lot of trust and talking and intuition for me to decide to take the final step to lose my virginity, but the funny thing is - I lost my virginity to my husband two nights after meeting him for the first time. However, we’d probably talked four-five hours a night for three months before we met, and when I met him in person, it just clicked and I knew he was the one. And I gave myself over to him with absolutely no regrets.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex before that - I did - but I also regard sex as something extremely special and worth waiting for. I’d had a variety of boyfriends, and while I was open to the idea of having sex with several of them, something about it just didn’t feel right. Perhaps it was a sixth sense that the relationship just wasn’t going to progress, or I wasn’t as physically attracted to them as I wanted to be or whatever.

I see a lot of generalizations in this thread, and it doesn’t bother me because I know why I waited and I know it was the right thing to do. But one shouldn’t automatically assume that someone waiting to have sex is frigid or picky or uber-religious. Some of us may have deeply personal reasons for waiting that have absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. And I know my husband is grateful that he’s the only person I’ve ever slept with - I’m glad for that, too. I’m glad because we have a level of trust and intimacy that I have never experienced with anyone else, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.

E.

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**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/73 "2005-07-14T00:23:41Z")

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> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> What!? 😕 How did it come down to only these two alternatives?
> 
> I hate to inject reason into such a thread, but listen. Here’s what we’ve come up with.
> 
> [ul]  
> [li] Some people choose to remain virgins for personal reasons.[/li][li] Some people choose not to.[/li][li] Sometimes, you may be judged on either of these results.[/li][li] Some people may judge you negatively, others may not care as much. [/li][li] That’s life![/li][/ul]
> 
> Honestly. People are getting offended because we stated our _opinion_, in an \*IMHO \* thread, asking for _opinions_.

I was talking about severus’s comment that “The fact that I don’t currently have a romantic relationship (and never have had) bothers me a lot more than lack of sex.” It bothers me more to feel like the opposite sex doesn’t take me seriously than the fact that I’ve never had sex.

I’m not offended, just making an observation that the lack of being taken seriously is more bothersome than the lack of sex.

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**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/74 "2005-07-14T00:25:26Z")

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> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> Honestly. People are getting offended because we stated our _opinion_, in an \*IMHO \* thread, asking for _opinions_.

Yes, because some _opinions_ can be perceived as offensive, particularly to those who are on the receiving end. After all, if I said that I thought that people who have sex frequently and often after the age of, say, 25 were freakish and weird\*, some people would undoubtedly take offense as well.

Obviously, there are more than two options. Human relationships are complicated, and filled with all sorts of shades of grey. It is what it is…and when someone posts:

> [@sleel](#):
>
> being a virgin for a long period of time past puberty kind of implies that you have some kind of problem. […] In my opinion if you haven’t had a relationship that you consider serious enough for sex before you’re 30, there is some kind of problem.

Then I’m going to pipe up and point out that no, in point of fact, this opinion can be directly contradicted by my experience. Fighting ignorance, don’tcha know. 😉

\*I do not, in point of fact, believe this.

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**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/75 "2005-07-14T00:28:49Z")

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> [@SisterCoyote](#):
>
> Yes, because some _opinions_ can be perceived as offensive, particularly to those who are on the receiving end.

Only if you let them be. I am only saying, if you are confident in your choices, why care what some people say? Even me?

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**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/76 "2005-07-14T00:34:24Z")

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> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> Only if you let them be. I am only saying, if you are confident in your choices, why care what some people say? Even me?

Because although _I_ am confident in my choices, there are those who won’t speak up, who aren’t as confident, and who die inside a little bit every time someone suggests that they might have a “problem” because of what they are or aren’t interested in. So where I, personally, am not offended (please. Rick Santorum offends me. Fred Phelps offends me. This issue? Not worth the effort of taking offense), I’m still going to speak up and let the quiet ones know they’re not alone.

I know they exist. I know it matters. I used to be one of them.

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**Author:** ![Metacom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecae2f/32.png) [@Metacom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Metacom)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/77 "2005-07-14T00:41:44Z")

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So before I feel about about being a mid-20’s virgin…

Does oral sex count towards a man’s virginity? Or do I have to get some below-the-waiste insertion before I can say I’m not one? :dubious:

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**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/78 "2005-07-14T00:41:53Z")

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> [@SisterCoyote](#):
>
> Because although _I_ am confident in my choices, there are those who won’t speak up, who aren’t as confident, and who die inside a little bit every time someone suggests that they might have a “problem” because of what they are or aren’t interested in. So where I, personally, am not offended (please. Rick Santorum offends me. Fred Phelps offends me. This issue? Not worth the effort of taking offense), I’m still going to speak up and let the quiet ones know they’re not alone.
> 
> I know they exist. I know it matters. I used to be one of them.

Well, I certainly can’t blame you for this. I do the same thing with my atheism (speak out so others can hear me speak), not to mention being an Asian girl who likes sex and isn’t afraid to admit it (we’re taught not to).

So…truce? 🙂

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**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/79 "2005-07-14T00:43:58Z")

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Sure, particularly since we weren’t at war. 🙂

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**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\
**Post date:** [July 14, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-does-virginity-and-age-become-weird-offshoot-of-whats-sexier/312302/80 "2005-07-14T00:44:45Z")

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> [@SisterCoyote](#):
>
> Sure, particularly since we weren’t at war. 🙂

No, I didn’t think so, but I didn’t want any hard feelings.

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