# When Ethel Merman Attacks! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 11, 2003, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600 "2003-07-11T00:53:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/1 "2003-07-11T00:53:10Z")
It was a hot and muggy night, so Sniffs\_Markers and I were enjoying some comfortable sleep in my air conditioned room. Oh, bliss! It was raining outside, and there was a little bit of lightening (strangely the thunder was quite soft.) It was a good sleep. A deep sleep. A sleep that you savour when you’ve finally escaped the humidity (oh, I love my air coniditoner.) But it would not last! I was awoken by the Voice! “Youuuu… YoOoOoOuUuUuUuuUuuu…” I sat bolt upright! My heart pounding in my chest. What was this? Aural night terror?? Again the warbling Voice! – _Ethel Merman’s voice!!!_ “YoOoOoooOuUuUuUuuUuuu…” (Me?) I desperately pawed at Markers in mortal fear. _“Ethel Merman! Ethel Merman! Ethel Merman’s in the house!!”_ “YOUuUuUuuUuUuUuuuuuuu…” No. Wait! Ethel Merman is _under the bed!!!_. The thunder flickered and ominous shadows sprang to life and then receded into the darkness. The raindrops on the air conditioner making a dull “tickety-tickety… tickety-tickety” noise like fingers drumming absent-mindedly on a desk. Silence… then – \*\*“YOUuUuUuuUuUuUuuuuuuu…” \*\* With frightened resolve, I crawled to Marker’s side of the bed and peered over the edge – certain that Ethel’s crooked, long-dead zombie hand would snatch my arm and drag me into the shadows of the under-the-bed maw to Hell where the Spiders live… In the darkness I saw nothing… until lightening flickered across the sky! Black, beady eyes like piercing, iron bullets, and puffy, white cheeks _ **"YOUUUUUUUUUUU!** _ with whiskers – \*\*_“YOUUUUUUUUUUU!”_ \*\* \*\*“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” \*\* …wait!.. whiskers? Aw, hell! I just about shit my pants and it’s freakin’ FatCat, uncharacterisically caterwauling like a nasty old alley cat! Just sitting by the bed with a smug, self-congratulatory expression that makes him look like Michigan J. Frog singing “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey!..” Incredulous, I blurted out: _“What the hell are you doing???”_ and he sauntered off to the living room (I swear he was on the verge of kicking his legs like the aforementioned frog.) That was at 5 a.m. My alarm when off at 7:30. And I got NOT A WINK of sleep in between. I was _way too creeped out_! Ethel Merman had possessed my cat! _She can reach you from beyond the grave!_ Such is the power of her fury. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/2 "2003-07-11T01:04:19Z")
Oh, no ya got Ethel Mermans? That’s bad. They can get into the floorboards, and then they lay eggs. Ya gotta call Merman-X. Ya know, dey got dem trucks with the big plastic dead Ethel Merman on top. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/3 "2003-07-11T03:17:05Z")
But will they get “there’s no business like show business…” outta my head??? Dammit, it won’t stop! It won’t stop! ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/4 "2003-07-11T03:25:10Z")
Hm. Actually, I find it much more disturbing to think of Michigan J. Frog under my bed than Ethel Merman. Or a cat, for that matter… ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/5 "2003-07-11T04:32:32Z")
I just want to say that I love your cat! And I love the stories you tell about said cat! I know, that you are not feeling the love right now, but I am. Maybe it’s the pain meds, maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but that was funny stuff. And Eve whom I have always admired from a far and to shy to speak to made me laugh like I haven’t laughed in ages! ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/6 "2003-07-11T04:40:48Z")
I never had Ethel Merman under my bed, but I had Tony Bennett hiding in my laundry hamper. I tempted him out with some Rice-A-Roni. ---
**Author:** ![skyzoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@skyzoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skyzoo)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/7 "2003-07-11T07:20:12Z")
I _feel_ your windowpane. If Dylan would please stop “knock—knock—knockin’ on heaven’s door”, sleep would become a new word (world?) But Ethel? Tony? give me Custer’s _next to last stand_ and popeye’s - **"Ive had all I can standz, and I can’t standz no more!"** I think they named a gasoline after Ethel, though… _Sweety Dreamies, anyway…FWIW!_ I lean toward **Eve’s** thoughts… **x** =hope… ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/8 "2003-07-11T07:22:47Z")
I found Jane Harlow in my broom closet. I still haven’t let her out. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/9 "2003-07-11T07:24:14Z")
**Jean** Harlow. I meant Jean Harlow. But I have a brain disorder, or something. AARGH!! ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/10 "2003-07-11T07:28:32Z")
I figured it out now, I got Jane Russell and Jean Harlow mixed up together or something. _:pause:_ I’ll have to remember that mental image later. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/11 "2003-07-11T11:54:50Z")
Oh, I couldn’t have any dead celebrities in my broom closet – that’s where we keep the litter box and I would be a bad host/hauntee if the zombies had to hang out in there. I don’t actually _mind_ the occasional dead celebrity hanging out at my place, but showtunes scaring the crap outta me at 5 a.m. is just plain wrong! That’s the last time I let FatCat play with a ouija board. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/12 "2003-07-11T13:59:50Z")
At least Joan Crawford hasn’t risen from the grave yet. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/13 "2003-07-11T14:47:14Z")
Was Ernest Borgnine under there with her? They were married, you know (and isn’t that a beautiful mental image - Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman locked in a sweaty, lustful, hot-monkey-sex embrace?). “YOU’LLLLLLLL BE SWELLLLL…!” ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/14 "2003-07-11T15:10:13Z")
I’ve been known to channel Ethel Merman from time to time. Ya know ya can’t sing “Ethel” quietly. Hubby hates it and the cats scurry away in fear. What Fun! Glad to know that Ethel is finding other vessels through which to spew her love to the world. ::_Begins to belt out “Thair’sNOOOObiznezlykSHOOOObiznez” as her office quakes in fear_:: I think I’ll wait till I get home. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/15 "2003-07-11T15:21:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*Was Ernest Borgnine under there with her? \*\* I hadn’t thought about Ernest… Although SkinnyCat spent the morning approaching the bed very cautiously and peering underneath with her tail in a nervous semi-poof. Maybe it’s Ernest. ---
**Author:** ![Dave3L](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ba9def/32.png) [@Dave3L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave3L)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/16 "2003-07-11T16:14:56Z")
I’ve never been visited by The Ghost of Ethel Merman ™, but I’m pretty sure that Rosemary Clooney possessed my wife’s Dustbuster last week. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/17 "2003-07-11T16:18:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eats\_Crayons \* > \*\*Oh, I couldn’t have any dead celebrities in my broom closet – \*\* I found Jimi Hendrix hiding under the sink, singing “1983…A Merman I Should Turn to Be”… ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-ethel-merman-attacks/187600/18 "2003-07-11T17:59:03Z")
Jack Lemmon was in my cupboard. He made a mess and just _left it_ there. Typical. The dead are always expecting other people to clean up after them. At least he was quiet.