First, Eva, my sympathy. I can’t say I’ve really run into the same with women, but…well detials are inappropriate.
Regardless, yes, a bit of physical screening is wise. For all we want to dress up ourselves in other clothes, the (potential) bed partner does need to meet certain criteria.
As to this:
Well, having gone off into the Sahara for ‘treks’ and the like I can say that after a while one does get used to being fairly unclean.
Acclimatization. One gets used to smells. Over here among the ‘unwashed masses’ for reasons of water scarcity, bathing is relatively … rarer? I mean by American standards. One gets used to it - of course there is a difference between rankness and … for lack of a better term, bounded cleanliness.
Um, I put eyedrops in for my contacts all the time, and would do so on a date in a second. Maybe I’d excuse myself to a bathroom or something… maybe not. It’s far better than me rubbing my eyes and blinking and squinting like crazy at you all night.
Oh, **Collounsbury, ** it’s just that it was so disappointing…he seemed so nice on the phone, and I was so looking forward to telling my mom that I was dating a nice Iraqi lawyer.
The problem with those people is that nobody tells them directly and so, they go on doing the same thing and not knowing why people run away from them. Same thing about bad breath. There ought to be government programs to reinsert people like this into civilised society.
I had a coworker years ago who had terrible personal hygiene. The boss had even talked to him about it. Gifts of soap and shampoo on his desk left him perplexed. He did get married a few years later - I wonder if she cleaned him up of just liked funky odors?
It is possible that Iraqis have a different idea of hygiene that Americans? I’ve noticed people from other countries have different tolerances for body odors. Perhaps he showered but didn’t put on deodorant?
OK, he was only half-Iraqi, and was raised almost entirely in the U.S., only a few miles away from where I was. This was not a question of differing cultural standards. And besides, even if he showered but didn’t use deodorant, he would not have reeked like that.
I’ve lived in places with ummm, differing standards of personal hygiene, and spent most of my career working with immigrants (see above comments re: Leningrad bus), and believe me, this was OLD sweat.
>> And besides, even if he showered but didn’t use deodorant, he would not have reeked like that.
Water and soap is all that is needed for good hygiene. Even fresh sweat can be OK and even sexy. It is aged and fermented sweat thriving with bacteria which reeks.
I had no idea it was disgusting to watch someone put drops in their eyes. While I don’t do it constantly, I’ve never minded rewetting my contacts in front of anyone and I’ve never minded anyone else doing it.
I work with a guy who fits this description except for the bubbles at the corner of his mouth. It’s fun, lemme tell ya, and to make things even better he spends huge amounts of time talking close to the communal phone. One day someone finally snapped and cleaned it off with rubbing alcohol.
Out of curiosity, I assume #5 is the thing out of his control. Physical appearance often is. Now, if #5 was the only thing wrong with him, would you have walked out? (I’m only asking for curiosity, not as a criticism) And if so, what could’ve changed your mind? You seemed attracted to his ‘brains and similar interrests’, so would appearance have been a deal-breaker for you, assuming all the other qualifications had been ‘cleared up’?
It would be my guess that the physical lack of attraction could certainly be swayed by all the other factors involved. Someone who impresses you in every other way tends to look more attractive to you. Someone who shows up late and reeks to high heaven would, sensically, appear less attractive. YMMV.
I didn’t walk out, even given #1-5, so I’m certainly polite enough not to walk out if #5 had been the only issue. I spent 3 hours with this guy politely conversing, even after he gave me waaaay TMI about his family and a number of other things.
But yes, if I’m not physically attracted to a guy, I don’t see the point in continuing to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. And even if is physical apearance had made me drool with unbridled hormonal lust, any one of #1-4 might have been a dealbreaker. The total package is the important thing; I’ve dated guys, for multiple-year periods, who were not my physical ideal because the total package added up (or at least I thought it did at the time).
Anyone who’s met both me and my most recent long-term ex is astonished that I wasn’t more demanding in the looks department. But at least he bathed regularly.
Back in my dating days, some people actually did that - they would cruise past the meeting place, check out the potential date, and just not show up if they didn’t like what they saw.
Well, I did know what I had (he was a massage therapist, for chrissakes! It wasn’t easy to let that go). Unfortunately, the bather also turned out to be a lying, self-centered, manipulative, cheating, remorseless, emotionally unavailable scumbag, so eventually I drew the line.
When he deigned to grace me with them, yes, excellent massages. He was a pro with 20 years of experience, and he knew what the hell he was doing.
However, it really took the fun out of it when a) I ended up giving him more massages than he gave me, because once he started he would while about how much his elbows hurt (invariably after he’d already had his turn), and b) he treated it like an annoying obligation rather than a joyful and quite even exchange between people who are supposed to care about each other. Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating a massage therapist? It was exactly like that. I was rolling on the floor during that episode!
