# When I Am King Of The Earth... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 13, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898 "2016-03-13T19:46:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/1 "2016-03-13T19:46:28Z")
1. All digital clocks or digital time displays will automatically switch over to 24 hour time when they’re switched over to “set time” and “set alarm” mode. I won’t care whether they’re on 12 or 24 hour mode when you look to see what time it is, but when you want a hot pot of coffee waiting for you at 6am, you don’t want it at 6pm. 2. Women displaying more than 2" of cleavage and/or excessive side or underboob will not be permitted to wave the “Hey, my eyes are up HERE!” flag. 3. Professional sports teams can pay for their own stadiums. 4. Street mimes will be suspended upside down in a scorpion pit. On the walls of the pit will be upside down signs that say “Learn the words and SAY them.” Any other contributions? ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/2 "2016-03-13T19:58:09Z")
This is going to be a really long list. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/3 "2016-03-13T20:09:02Z")
No driving in the car pool lane if you are not a car pool. Ever. Or you will have to become a substitute kindergarten teacher to learn what “more than one” means. ---
**Author:** ![JWT\_Kottekoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@JWT\_Kottekoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JWT_Kottekoe)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/4 "2016-03-13T20:28:52Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > 1. Street mimes will be suspended upside down in a scorpion pit. On the walls of the pit will be upside down signs that say “Learn the words and SAY them.” Obligatory [street mime video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2o0mcPhKSU) ---
**Author:** ![jerry\_smissingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e56c9b/32.png) [@jerry\_smissingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jerry_smissingfinger)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/5 "2016-03-13T20:34:19Z")
Vegans and crossfitters will be added to the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell policy” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/6 "2016-03-13T20:46:47Z")
> [@jerry\_smissingfinger](#): > > Vegans and crossfitters will be added to the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell policy” No, they go on the “Just shut the hell up” list. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/7 "2016-03-13T22:34:48Z")
If I were King of the Earth, there would be no professional sports teams. Paying $50,000,000 for a guy who can throw a ball real fast? Fuck that noise. Ya wanna play ball? Cool. We’ll grade a lot for ya. We’ll even put up lights so you can play into the evening, and stands so people can sit and watch. I’ll even spring for buses so you can have cross-town games. Billion dollar stadiums? Off with yer head. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/8 "2016-03-14T02:07:21Z")
All of your personal “stinks” presently escaping to the outside–cologne, perfume, dryer sheets, fabric softener, ciggies–will be kept in your house. If you stink that badly, go to the hospital. Everything geared to the “average” height (5’8"[?]) will be lengthened/extended 4"–lawn mower (and similar) handles, rakes and similar tools, kitchen counter-tops, automobile seats (distance to pedals), doorknobs, to name a few. You all will follow the rules of the road or I will take said roads away from you. Eyeglasses will be free. The Beatles will re-unite (even the dead ones; especially the dead ones). ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/9 "2016-03-14T02:52:31Z")
When I am King of the Earth, there will be much culling. Much…Culling… ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/10 "2016-03-14T04:08:55Z")
Tell you what I’ll do… [SPOILER]I’ll throw away the cars and the bars and the war Make sweet love to you (Sing it, now)[/SPOILER] ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/11 "2016-03-14T04:26:20Z")
Free Beer. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/12 "2016-03-14T04:53:45Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > . . . Everything geared to the “average” height (5’8"[?]) will be lengthened/extended 4"–lawn mower (and similar) handles, rakes and similar tools, kitchen counter-tops, automobile seats (distance to pedals), doorknobs, to name a few. . . . In which direction? ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/13 "2016-03-14T04:53:46Z")
Nuke the hell out of North Korea, Syria, and anyone else who complains. _Then_ we’ll get down to business. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/15 "2016-03-14T08:31:39Z")
**Gatopescado** for the win. Autocorrect hates that user name btw. ---
**Author:** ![campp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@campp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/campp)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/16 "2016-03-14T12:52:40Z")
Every book published will have an index in the back. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/17 "2016-03-14T14:26:54Z")
As someday it may happen… **snfaulkner** hit it dead on. Starting with the person who canceled _Firefly_ and working out from there. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/18 "2016-03-14T15:27:59Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > 1. All digital clocks or digital time displays will automatically switch over to 24 hour time when they’re switched over to “set time” and “set alarm” mode. I won’t care whether they’re on 12 or 24 hour mode when you look to see what time it is, but when you want a hot pot of coffee waiting for you at 6am, you don’t want it at 6pm. Europeans will be forced to change the way they use comma/period in writing numbers, to the sane American system (as with words, commas are optional for clarity, periods are required and have meaning); however Americans will be forced to use the sane European way of writing days (least significant to most significant: day-month-year). After that, I’ll think about unimportant things like climate change, human rights, and the designated hitter rule. I’m happy to use public funds to build stadiums for professional teams-- but the public will share in the profits, too (and sure, pro teams can relocate all they want to, but they’ll have to pay the large escape fee in the contract…) ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/19 "2016-03-14T16:58:12Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > Europeans will be forced to change the way they use comma/period in writing numbers, to the sane American system (as with words, commas are optional for clarity, periods are required and have meaning); however Americans will be forced to use the sane European way of writing days (least significant to most significant: day-month-year). Everyone will us the only logical system for writing dates: year-month-day. Failing to take the right-of-way at a four-way stop will be a hanging offense. Use of the Oxford comma will be mandatory. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/20 "2016-03-14T17:15:28Z")
Airlines will be required to provide seats with sufficient width and leg room to accommodate 95% of the height and width parameters of the world’s population. Said airlines will not be able to penalize customers for this mandatory space requirement. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2016, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898/21 "2016-03-14T17:24:53Z")
All government employees would wear gaudy uniforms. Social workers would wear black uniforms with jackboots. Universal healthcare. Run by the army medical corps. Instead of malpractice lawsuits, incompetent doctors face UCMJ penalties. A monumentally incompetent doctor gets busted back to E-1, and spends the rest of his career cleaning bedpans in Point Barrow. Medical records will be kept by the FBI. (Why not? Your privacy is as safe with one set of bureaucrats, as it would be with any other. Besides, if you want them changing your diapers, you should be willing to let them snoop.) All drugs would be legal. Those who practice self-indulgence would die. Those who practice self-discipline would live. After they buried a lot of their elders and a few of their friends, the next generation of teenagers would grow up, sadder but wiser. (We would also legalize prostitution. That way, the junkies would be able to support themselves until they OD.) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-i-am-king-of-the-earth/748898.md?page=2)