# When, in a dating relationship, do you generally start having sex? Be honest. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 9, 2009, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885 "2009-11-09T05:33:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![SmartAlx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SmartAlx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAlx)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/81 "2009-11-10T21:23:57Z")
> [@Algorithm](#): > > This can’t be concluded from the results of the poll. One could reasonably hold the position that you cannot have love and marriage without sex, but can have sex with neither love nor marriage. Sorry, maybe I should have said sex doesn’t have anything to do with love and marriage anymore. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/82 "2009-11-10T21:25:55Z")
It can, but it doesn’t have to. And there’s lots you can find out about someone by having sex with them that you can’t find out by dancing with them, no matter what your mom told you. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/83 "2009-11-10T21:27:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. Well, except for sexual performance. This is completely ridiculously and you know it. Sex would be something that happens far more often than going for a dance with someone you become involved with. Thus it only makes sense to have sex with them as a way to take the car for a test drive as opposed to something that isn’t at all representative of taking said car for said test drive. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/84 "2009-11-10T21:28:24Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk. I think this is where you are going to run into disagreements with people here. Most people do not consider sex a part of your soul. What is to you a very religious, sacred thing is to other people a normal, healthy part of being an adult. ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/85 "2009-11-10T21:31:59Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Sorry, maybe I should have said sex doesn’t have anything to do with love and marriage anymore. Sex does not necessarily involve love and/or marriage, and that’s always been the case. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/86 "2009-11-10T21:36:07Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk. I’m pretty sure I emerged with my soul intact, have I been doing it wrong or something? Or is ‘soul’ what the kids are calling STDs these days? ---
**Author:** ![SmartAlx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SmartAlx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAlx)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/87 "2009-11-10T21:40:56Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > It can, but it doesn’t have to. > > And there’s lots you can find out about someone by having sex with them that you can’t find out by dancing with them, no matter what your mom told you. > [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > This is completely ridiculously and you know it. > > Sex would be something that happens far more often than going for a dance with someone you become involved with. Thus it only makes sense to have sex with them as a way to take the car for a test drive as opposed to something that isn’t at all representative of taking said car for said test drive. You wouldn’t say that if you were a dancer. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/88 "2009-11-10T21:43:23Z")
Sure I would. I have danced. Have you had sex? ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/89 "2009-11-10T21:58:45Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. Well, except for sexual performance. Everything you can tell about a person by eating a person’s food you can also find out by solving quadratic equations with him/her. Well, except whether he or she’s a good chef. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/90 "2009-11-10T22:12:27Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > I’m not surprised that people are having sex. I’m surprised that people are having sex so casually. Um, that’s what I was referring to. Why would I say “This isn’t the '50s” if I just meant “having sex”? I think people in the '50s were having sex. What I’m saying is that times have changed since then, and casual sex is a lot more prominent than it used to be. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/91 "2009-11-10T22:12:39Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > If we met for lunch or coffee and I offhandedly remarked that I was rather interested in your notion of how you would most want to encounter 25 guys so as to assess their likelihood as future boyfriends, and, as a metaquestion, what did you think of your tendency to do so in light of your own theories and/or your favorite theorists (feminist or otherwise, please provide links) and to what extent do you think a male person in the reciprocal situation doing the exact same thing except, of course, mirror-image, would acquire different outcome result, and as a consequence OF that what do you think this says about gender and sexuality and OH by the way what’s YOUR opinion on how much of this is innately biological and how much is cultural and/or situational? > … > What I most want to know is how you explicate determinism versus free will and how you elaborate on each definition, drawing from personal experience and intellectual passions and causes to illustrate the points you are making. And whether you construe the merits of sex objectification as described by feminists of the late 60s thru early 80s to be truly disempowering to women or to be a source of women’s power or both and how you reconcile the respective observations. > … > Before you have sufficient visual info to say whether or not you find me visually cute in a sexual way, I want to know your analysis of where and how the visual cuteness of male folk within the overall context of female sexuality falls with regards to visual objectification, female-centric defs of sexuality and how they differ from cultural norms largely defined by males, whether you harbor a lingering resentment towards the entire phenomenon of visual attraction as a consequence of the generic visual sexual objectification of women and if not how not and why not, and what it would mean to you emotionally and erotically if you didn’t. My response to all of this would probably be, “So, how 'bout them Yankees, eh?” 🙂 > [@SmartAlx](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. Er, no. > [@](#): > > You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk. No, but she didn’t need to give him a piece of her soul to have sex with him either. > [@](#): > > Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a woman using sex to decide if she is going to break up with him. Welcome to the real world, sweetheart. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/92 "2009-11-10T22:33:42Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Sorry, maybe I should have said sex doesn’t have anything to do with love and marriage anymore. In my own personal experience, the relationships where I’ve ended up head over heels in love with someone (including Mrs. Giraffe, the love of my life), the sex was just a natural part of the initial electrifying chemistry. I’ve also had relationships where sex happened more slowly and cautiously, and quite frankly, were generally disappointing. Maybe some people are just more naturally the “edge toward each other slowly and carefully with no sudden moves” type. Me, I’m more of a “bound in fearlessly like a big dumb dog” kind of person. Find someone else like that and the result is fantastic. So, you’re wrong: sex still has everything to do with love. Maybe even moreso than in more traditional times, where you had more strict adherence to the fall in love, get married, then have sex order of operations. Me, I’d rather start with a foundation of passion and intimacy than try to stick it in later. (Oh, grow up. You know who you are.) ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/93 "2009-11-10T22:38:52Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > So, you’re wrong: sex still has everything to do with love. Maybe even moreso than in more traditional times, where you had more strict adherence to the fall in love, get married, then have sex order of operations. Me, I’d rather start with a foundation of passion and intimacy than try to stick it in later. (Oh, grow up. You know who you are.) Or, you were basically forced to marry someone you didn’t love, for any number of reasons, and of course you had to have sex with them. The idea of marrying someone _solely_ because you love them is relatively new. Love and marriage haven’t always gone together - and in some cultures, they still don’t. People have always had sex with people they don’t love, and have always had sex with people they didn’t marry. At least most of us get a choice about it now. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/94 "2009-11-10T22:39:35Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Sorry, maybe I should have said sex doesn’t have anything to do with love and marriage anymore. When and where, exactly, did marriage have to do primarily with love? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/95 "2009-11-10T22:40:25Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. How would you know? I can tell you with absolute, first hand assurance that you couldn’t be more wrong. > [@](#): > > You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk. “Give him some of her soul?” WTF are talking about? What does that _mean_? > [@](#): > > I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a woman using sex to decide if she is going to break up with him. Let it be an insight into real world, grown up relationships. Sexual compatibility is a very significant criterion for whether a relationship will work. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/96 "2009-11-10T23:42:35Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. Well, except for sexual performance. Not really. If someone is a very selfish lover, they will inevitably be very selfish in most, if not all other areas. I’m not sure how you would define a “selfish” dancer. > [@](#): > > Had you danced with him you would have known that he was very self centered and a jerk. You didn’t need to give him some of your soul to prove that he was a jerk.Wow. Some part of my SOUL? Really? Honey, I don’t consider sex to be some kind of spiritual experience that will bind me to the other person for life. It’s sex. Sometimes it’s awesome and can really bond you to the other person and sometimes it’s just…sex. Although I do appreciate your eutopian view of the world, life is not always a movie. Or a Danielle Steele novel. > [@](#): > > I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a woman using sex to decide if she is going to break up with him. I see someone missed the part where I said I hadn’t gotten any in awhile. 😉 And yeah, like I said above, you can tell a lot about someone from how they are in bed. In that particular case, I was on the fence about the guy. I couldn’t tell if it was nerves or if he was just a selfish ass. Turns out, his performance in bed made it blatently obvious he was just a selfish ass so I didn’t care to see him at all anymore. If that makes me some sort of soulless whoretastic jezebel, I guess that’s what I am. And proud of it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/97 "2009-11-10T23:55:12Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Everything you can tell about a person by shagging him/her you can find out by dancing with him/her. I’m a dancer… I’ve danced with many of the guys I’ve later bedded. BWAHAHAHAHA to your assumption. I’ve danced with very good dancers, awesome dancers, guys I’d still danced if given the choice… and the performance/attitude elsewhere was not the same. Conversely, I’ve been with mediocre dancers who’ve rocked my world. If you’re talking about how they act as a person, personality, it will still not be the same. As usual, some guys (and women) may trick you into thinking they’re something they’re not, for as long as possible. And they may be really good dancers, but that may have nothing to do with how they are elsewhere, just as there are awesome actors who are douchebags or writers who are jerks, etc. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/98 "2009-11-11T01:06:44Z")
I never knew having sex meant giving up some of my soul. So I should be suspicious of the Cthulhu doll my boyfriend has hung over our bed, huh? **SmartAlx** , I think you need to get laid. THEN come back and tell us it was a soul-giving and sacred experience, rather than an experience filled with sweat, saliva, and funny squishy sounds. ---
**Author:** ![bauble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@bauble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bauble)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/99 "2009-11-11T01:55:31Z")
I really wouldn’t mind waiting for a few dates…but I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone until after we’ve had sex. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/100 "2009-11-11T03:27:52Z")
I don’t have a problem with waiting until later in the relationship, but in my experience, if it doesn’t happen by the second date, it’s not going to happen at all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885.md?page=6)