# When, in a dating relationship, do you generally start having sex? Be honest. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 9, 2009, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885 "2009-11-09T05:33:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/101 "2009-11-11T04:19:16Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I never knew having sex meant giving up some of my soul. So I should be suspicious of the Cthulhu doll my boyfriend has hung over our bed, huh? Depends. Do you always get eaten first? If not, then the tribute to the Great Tentacled One isn’t really workin its mojo for you, and I suspect your boyfriend is in favor with The Great Old Ones. ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/102 "2009-11-11T04:33:10Z")
I think that the Traditional Path of love-marriage-sex actually makes the sex a lot less related to love than the Modern Path of intimacy1-i2-i3-i4-love-marriage…or something along those lines. I mean, with the Traditional Path it’s clear that falling in love has nothing to do with sex, since the people fall in love without ever having sex. I mean, it may if you mean that people will fall in love with anyone just to get sex, but even if that is what Alx meant, then that still doesn’t connect a pair’s love with that pair’s sex. But in the Modern Path, the levels of emotional intimacy–at its final stages LOVE–grow organically along with the level of physical intimacy–at its final stages SEX. Thus, the love and the sex are very closely related. ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/103 "2009-11-11T06:05:02Z")
If we’re going with “sexual activity AT ALL” I choose “within a couple dates.” As for sexual intercourse, a couple months. Though that length of time was with my current boyfriend, and it was only because I was a virgin and scared to death of having sex. I kind of liked waiting that long. It’s been over six months and we’re still discovering things about sex. It’s been fun. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/104 "2009-11-11T06:50:32Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > Do you always get eaten first? My partners usually do. ---
**Author:** ![dnooman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/839c29/32.png) [@dnooman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dnooman)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/105 "2009-11-11T09:23:45Z")
I like to be comfortable with the person first. If she sees my weenie when it’s cold, or I get excited and finish too fast, that’s bad. If she laughs at either, then there’s a solemn trip to the lake to be made. I like to be comfortable with her, know what sorts of things she thinks are ok to laugh at, and how well she knows my lake and it’s contents. Also I like to now her general body weight, for, uh, calculations…for sex of course. Did I mention I have 2 Realldolls and 4 Fleshlights at the lake house? Man that place is awesome! Beer keg too! ---
**Author:** ![SmartAlx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SmartAlx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAlx)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/106 "2009-11-11T15:59:53Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Sure I would. I have danced. Have you had sex? Having danced does not make you a dancer. > [@KarlGrenze](#): > > I’m a dancer… What kind of dance? Is it partner like salsa or swing or is it the dancing that is pretty much both of you dancing indepently in front of each other? > [@](#): > > I’ve danced with many of the guys I’ve later bedded. BWAHAHAHAHA to your assumption. > > I’ve danced with very good dancers, awesome dancers, guys I’d still danced if given the choice… and the performance/attitude elsewhere was not the same. > > Conversely, I’ve been with mediocre dancers who’ve rocked my world. > > If you’re talking about how they act as a person, personality, it will still not be the same. As usual, some guys (and women) may trick you into thinking they’re something they’re not, for as long as possible. And they may be really good dancers, but that may have nothing to do with how they are elsewhere, just as there are awesome actors who are douchebags or writers who are jerks, etc. It’s not performance. People improve at dancing. But that alone doesn’t mean they become better people. But they can not escape their personality when they dance. A man who is selfish will treat his dance partner like a rag doll. But a man who is generous and giving will interract with his partner, involve her, make the dance about her. Likewise a bossy woman will have trouble following a lot of the time and will repeatedly back lead, especially when she is dancing with a less than proficient leader. Yes, some of these things can be overcome with experience, but they can not keep from giving themselves away over time. Dance with anyone for a couple of months, you’ll learn what kind of person they are. Of course it’s not automatic. You have to put 2 and 2 together. You have to pay attention enough to figure people out. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/107 "2009-11-11T16:14:21Z")
If you do ANYTHING with someone for a couple of months, you can get a reasonably good idea of what kind of a person they are. But if you have sex with them, you not only find out what kind of a person they are, you also get laid. It’s win-win. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/108 "2009-11-11T16:17:57Z")
So is our guy Alx here another 13 year old? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/109 "2009-11-11T17:05:12Z")
Why spend two months dancing with someone if you can find out all the same information from 10 minutes of humping? ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/110 "2009-11-11T17:08:48Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > I went with “After it’s clear we have some compatibility”. I think that’s a very good way of putting it, otherwise I would have come in here and said something like “after a few/several dates”. > > There have been relationships that developed after we first had sex (maybe due to a crazy night on the town or something), and there have been relationships where we waited quite some time before we had sex. But in all of them (minus the one night stands, which are excluded from the “relationship” status), there has been a clear compatibility test that we meet before gettin’ nekkid. Ditto. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/111 "2009-11-11T17:15:02Z")
Other. As soon as the cash changes hands. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/112 "2009-11-11T18:12:31Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > > [@DianaG](#): > > > > Sure I would. I have danced. Have you had sex? > > Having danced does not make you a dancer. > > > [@KarlGrenze](#): > > > > I’m a dancer… > > What kind of dance? Is it partner like salsa or swing or is it the dancing that is pretty much both of you dancing indepently in front of each other? [Get out of the way!](http://www.uncountedthemovie.com/images/goalposts.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/113 "2009-11-11T18:35:31Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > LOL > That judgmental tone is all in your imagination. I thought the 😃 is supposed to be used to convey a comical tone. I didn’t know that it was meant to be used like a wagging finger. > > In case you forgot, we are on the Internet. There isn’t any sound. Any sound you hear me conveying is in your mind. Nice deflection, but you’re wrong; writing has tone, and I think I described your tone here fairly accurately. ETA: Giraffe, quit staring in my windows! ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/114 "2009-11-11T18:45:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Why spend two months dancing with someone if you can find out all the same information from 10 minutes of humping? Ten minutes? Maybe you should stick to dancing. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/115 "2009-11-11T18:55:41Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Having danced does not make you a dancer. > What kind of dance? Is it partner like salsa or swing or is it the dancing that is pretty much both of you dancing indepently in front of each other? > It’s not performance. People improve at dancing. But that alone doesn’t mean they become better people. But they can not escape their personality when they dance. A man who is selfish will treat his dance partner like a rag doll. But a man who is generous and giving will interract with his partner, involve her, make the dance about her. Likewise a bossy woman will have trouble following a lot of the time and will repeatedly back lead, especially when she is dancing with a less than proficient leader. Yes, some of these things can be overcome with experience, but they can not keep from giving themselves away over time. Dance with anyone for a couple of months, you’ll learn what kind of person they are. > > Of course it’s not automatic. You have to put 2 and 2 together. You have to pay attention enough to figure people out. Salsa, bachata, merengue, forró, yes. I dance those, I grew up with those (as did most of my dance partners). No, a man who is selfish but is good at dancing will still do as you said, but be a bad selfish partner in bed. Been there, done that. The person with whom I danced for months… was definitely a different person than his dance personality. Dio, perhaps I’ve should’ve done that instead of spending months dancing. 😉 I’m questioning now if you even dance regularly. Your statements read like someone who is in awe of people who can dance, and cannot seem to notice the fact that people who can be good at what they do, can also be bad in other areas. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/116 "2009-11-11T19:09:34Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Having danced does not make you a dancer. And having fucked – even on the third date – doesn’t make you a slut, a sex maniac, or a bad person. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/117 "2009-11-11T22:54:21Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > give him some of your soul Maybe by “soul” he means “naughty bits?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sebastienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Sebastienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sebastienne)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/118 "2009-11-11T23:23:08Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > Having danced does not make you a dancer. So how would you suggest non-dancers find out what their romantic partners will be like? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/119 "2009-11-11T23:30:47Z")
Hey wait a minute. Isn’t dancing sinful and evil also? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2009, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885/120 "2009-11-11T23:57:04Z")
> [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](#): > > I would never want to have sex on the first date. If she has sex with \*me \*on the first date, she must have had copious sex with other dudes on first dates as well, and they were no doubt losers deluxe. If she makes \*me \*hold out for three or four dates, I can then assume that she is both virtuous and discriminating, and worthy of bearing my seed and receiving my love and affection. > > At least, that’s how I rationalize it…TRM LOL, I tended to date girls who know what they want, and a girl usually knows if she wants to fuck you pretty early on. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-in-a-dating-relationship-do-you-generally-start-having-sex-be-honest/516885.md?page=7)