# When it comes to bullies - what works better, forgiveness or revenge? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 12, 2015, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918 "2015-07-12T05:34:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/21 "2015-07-12T22:56:56Z")
Revenge coming many years later. Suddenly recalling your past offense as you writhe in agony is particularly effective, especially when the avenger is at a higher station at the time of revenge. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/22 "2015-07-12T23:01:48Z")
I would say neither; confrontation (either legal or personal/social) always seemed the better route to me. Most of the bullies I knew as a kid basically became normal adults as far as I know. There may be one or two exceptions but for the most part, as we get older and our world expands, bullies find out they aren’t the biggest or meanest thing out there and/or people aren’t going to overlook it anymore. Either of these revelations seem to help. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/23 "2015-07-12T23:02:56Z")
> [@the\_diego](#): > > Revenge coming many years later. Suddenly recalling your past offense as you writhe in agony is particularly effective, especially when the avenger is at a higher station at the time of revenge. Particularly effective at what, exactly? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/24 "2015-07-12T23:07:29Z")
I got bullied in 9th grade until I threw one of my persecutors down a stairwell. Then the bullying stopped as if a circuit breaker had tripped. Draw your own conclusions. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/25 "2015-07-12T23:49:55Z")
Effective at realizing guilt and increasing the pain of remorse and regret. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2015, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/26 "2015-07-12T23:51:51Z")
> [@Waymore](#): > > Bullies tend to look for soft targets. Stop being soft, you’ll be a less inviting target. > > I was a very awkward lad in school. But I could and would fight. In 6th grade my family moved into the school system that I would spend the rest of my K-12 years at. I must have been in 3 or 4 fist fights the first semester. I was left alone all the way through graduation in high school. > > I can’t prove it, but my guess is the population of bullies tends to mirror the general population. Most are just kids who are going along with the crowd and/or indulging in the instinct towards cruelty we all have. Some are broken and sadistic people. None of this helped me. fighting back changed nothing. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2015, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/27 "2015-07-13T00:03:53Z")
> [@diggerwam](#): > > I was a veeerrrry soft target in school and I couldn’t (and nobody helped out either) get out of it. I was abused because I was so soft. I really don’t blame the bullies that much, it just a pecking order and I was at the bottom. I actually point more of the blame at teachers, administrators, parents, older siblings who really could have helped this situation. Those were the people who really didn’t care and those are the people who I point the finger at. > > That said, right now it’s water under the bridge. No point in stressing over something that happened decades ago. Lessons learned and habits formed still affect my life but done is done. So forgiveness works better from this distance. I don’t think revenge would have been too effective in the moment and would be rather pointless now. Forgiveness is really the only choice that won’t destroy you. This is pretty much consistent with my experience as a kid. I was short, skinny, too smart, socially awkward, and got along better with adults than with my peers. I moved to a new city, and new school, when I was 10, and was bullied and teased pretty much constantly through 8th grade. My parents and teachers tried to help, but I frequently found that their “help” did more harm than good, as it just reinforced the bullies’ knowledge that they were getting to me. My father enrolled me in tae kwon do classes for two years, in hopes that I’d at least learn some self-confidence (and the ability to fight back if needed); I’m not sure how much that helped, but I did enjoy the classes. I’ve seen most of the bullies now that we’re adults, at class reunions and the like; I don’t think any of them are psychopaths. What I’ve learned is that a fair number of them were likely abused (physically and / or emotionally), or were the children of raging alcoholics. FTR, a number of them have apologized to me for how mean they were to me, 35 or 40 years ago. I’m long over it, and I’ve been willing to accept their apologies. ---
**Author:** ![mo50](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@mo50](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mo50)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2015, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/28 "2015-07-15T00:10:55Z")
Was bullied myself at one point in 9th grade. I’d never dealt with it before & somehow thought if I showed how much it hurt me that they’d stop, & of course was dead wrong! You can forgive them later if you want, & I personally needed to just for my own peace of mind, but I agree being an easy target only encourages a real bully as opposed to normal (teasing/ball breaking). ---
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/29 "2015-07-15T00:54:05Z")
My Christian beliefs want to scream out, ‘turn the other cheek!’. But, no. Whether to fight back or some other form of revenge really depends on the situation. My one instance of being bullied was not directed toward me, but rather my brother. This child, John, would call my brother names and accuse him of being a ‘sissy’… 1970’s talk for gay, I suppose. One d.’ ay something in me snapped and I encountered him with my brother and asked him if he could repeat what he told my brother… He got all tough and started to do so…so I picked him up behind my back and flipped him backwards. I did not think I was capable of doing that. I think I was more scared than he was ,but he got the message. Next day he passing by our house on the way to school he said, ‘hey, how are you guys?’ We said, 'fine. …" He walked away. Never bullied my brother again and I swear that guy walked past our house a bit faster. So, sometimes you gotta bully back…or have your older equally ‘sissy’ brother beat someone up. ---
**Author:** ![Clarisse\_McClellan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Clarisse\_McClellan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clarisse_McClellan)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2015, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/30 "2015-07-15T03:19:32Z")
I think it’s not possible to have one solution for all bullies because they dont all do it for the same reasons. > [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > This is me, exactly. I was a bully when I was a kid. Sort of a “mean girl” I guess. I feel terrible about how I acted and how I treated some poor kids. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. My home life was bad and I took it out on people who wouldn’t fight back. I didn’t physically fight. In grade 6 I was 4 foot 10 and about 100 pounds. I just said really nasty, hurtful things. This was me as well. I was bullied at home by a sibling and at jr. high school and so, to my ever lasting regret, I turned around and bullied a smaller, weaker classmate verbally. One classmate bullied me mercilessly for months until he was suspended from school for trying to bully a teacher. His favorite thing was to make fun of my nasally voice and call me harelip, which was strange because I didnt have a harelip and at that time I didnt even know what one was. 20 years later I saw his obit in the paper and it prompted me to look at his picture in the yearbook. He had a very prominent harelip scar. I am convinced now he was being verbally abused at home and that’s what caused him to turn around and bully at school. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2015, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/31 "2015-07-15T18:03:10Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I was bullied in junior high school. Then I gained some mass and BECAME a bully. I wasn’t a psychopath. This^. Within virtually every group of kids there is a pecking order. This order very often includes bullies and victims. Often the victims of one bully are themselves bullies of kids lower in the pecking order. The fact that only 1% of the general adult population are actually phychopathic should tell you that bullying as a child is not a reliable predictor. > [@Clarisse\_McClellan](#): > > I think it’s not possible to have one solution for all bullies because they dont all do it for the same reasons. This, too^. While the underlying reason is almost always control/power, the reason bullies have the need for control/power over others are varied. Sometimes physical retailation works, sometimes it will get you hurt or killed. Sometimes killing with kindness works, sometimes it just amps up the bullying. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2015, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918/32 "2015-07-15T21:07:59Z")
> [@Clarisse\_McClellan](#): > > I am convinced now he was being verbally abused at home and that’s what caused him to turn around and bully at school. In my 5 lifetime experiences with bullies, my own and of my children, this has been a factor in all of them. Either an older sibling or a parent was bullying the bully, who in turn thought it was the natural way of the world for him/her to in turn find a weaker target. In these cases reversing that cycle is the way to solve the problem. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-it-comes-to-bullies-what-works-better-forgiveness-or-revenge/724918.md?page=1)