# When someone turns down an invitation with a lame reason, just accept it, okay? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 21, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964 "2013-05-21T22:04:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/1 "2013-05-21T22:04:35Z")
Really. If I _wanted_ to do whatever, it would take a really large reason to keep me away. “I’d love to go to that concert with you, but my niece is getting married that day.” That sort of thing. When I say I can’t come for some really vague reason, like “I’ve already made other plans”, it means I DON’T WANT TO COME. So don’t keep pushing and nagging, and offering to ‘take care of’ whatever the conflict is, okay? Otherwise I’m going to have to flat out say “There’s no way in hell I am going to sit in the hot sun for hours just to watch your offspring graduate from junior high.” :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/2 "2013-05-21T22:28:04Z")
I’d be happy to make a cogent reply to your post, but I’ve got a cake in the oven. Or an arms deal in Tangiers. Or I’m washing my hair. I don’t remember which. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/3 "2013-05-21T22:59:25Z")
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. When I say I can’t, _I can’t_, and that is all there is to say. I do not owe you an explanation. I do not have to justify how I spend my time to anyone. It seriously drives me nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/4 "2013-05-21T23:03:30Z")
Silly goose, you misunderstood the invitation! They didn’t want you to come sit in the hot sun for hours at a stupid ceremony, they wanted you to contribute financially to their offspring for completing a nominal and normal course of human development. Just mail the little “graduate” a check, and the insistence that you attend will magically vanish, I swear it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/5 "2013-05-21T23:45:00Z")
{Stands up, starts applauding this rant} Preach it! Do not mistake my politeness for being a pushover - I said I couldn’t make it/I’m not interested/I have other plans/whatever - quit pushing, or the politeness is likely to go away. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/6 "2013-05-22T00:21:56Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > This is one of my biggest pet peeves. When I say I can’t, _I can’t_, and that is all there is to say. I do not owe you an explanation. I do not have to justify how I spend my time to anyone. It seriously drives me nuts. [Miss Manners (Judith Martin)](http://www.amazon.com/Manners-Excruciatingly-Correct-Behavior-Freshly/dp/0393058743/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369181858&sr=8-1&keywords=miss+manners)agrees with this. You may decline an invitation without giving any reason at all. In fact, she says that if the OP asks you for a reason, all you need to say (over and over, if necessary, and in a tone of mournful regret) is, “It’s just impossible.” Eventually they’ll give up if YOU don’t allow yourself to be guilted into giving a reason. Giving ANY reason just invites the clueless to argue with you. Making a flat statement (over and over with wistful sighs) ends the discussion. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/7 "2013-05-22T01:57:51Z")
Also: When the only events to which you ever invite me (or indeed, the only times I ever hear from you) are gift-giving occasions on behalf of your kid, I’m going to become less and less interested in repeat attendance. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/8 "2013-05-22T02:27:28Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > Otherwise I’m going to have to flat out say “There’s no way in hell I am going to sit in the hot sun for hours just to watch your offspring graduate from junior high.” > [@Lasciel](#): > > Just mail the little “graduate” a check, and the insistence that you attend will magically vanish, I swear it. **Junior** high? No way in hell that merits a check - since when is moving on to high school a great accomplishment? A college graduation, sure. A high school graduation, probably. But giving gifts for junior high “graduations” is the same as giving them for kindergarten graduations. Only for grandparents, if them. Hell, I barely sat through the middle school “graduation” ceremonies for my own offspring, much less tried to strong-arm others into coming! ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/9 "2013-05-22T02:58:25Z")
Just outright say “While I’m pleased your son is moving up a grade, I think attending this event is really for immediate family and I do not want to be included.” Then send the kid a card - without money. If the family is trying to garner money for little Jimmy, they’re crass. If they sincerely believe that Little Jimmy moving up a grade is a huge deal for others, they’re blind to reality. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/10 "2013-05-22T03:33:19Z")
When I was first widowed, well meaning people kept inviting me to things, and insisting. I learned to lie. “Oh gosh, I meant to come, but I had ebola.” Or some such. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/11 "2013-05-22T03:41:37Z")
“I’m not allowed within 500 feet of a school.” has always worked for me. No invitations to kids’ parties or babysitting requests either! ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/12 "2013-05-22T14:01:40Z")
Well, I don’t think it was motivated as a gift grab, exactly, more she’s the kind of mom who can’t believe that every little thing her child does isn’t of major, major importance to the rest of the world. I’m sending the kid a congratulations card with a small gift card. (He’s an okay kid, it’s the mommy who gets on my nerves.) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/13 "2013-05-22T14:24:37Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > [Miss Manners (Judith Martin)](http://www.amazon.com/Manners-Excruciatingly-Correct-Behavior-Freshly/dp/0393058743/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369181858&sr=8-1&keywords=miss+manners)agrees with this. You may decline an invitation without giving any reason at all. In fact, she says that if the OP asks you for a reason, all you need to say (over and over, if necessary, and in a tone of mournful regret) is, “It’s just impossible.” Eventually they’ll give up if YOU don’t allow yourself to be guilted into giving a reason. Giving ANY reason just invites the clueless to argue with you. Making a flat statement (over and over with wistful sighs) ends the discussion. Agreed. You may have to practice it a bit in the mirror. But I’ve done it before, and it (eventually) works even with pushy people. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/14 "2013-05-22T14:43:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Agreed. You may have to practice it a bit in the mirror. But I’ve done it before, and it (eventually) works even with pushy people. You could also soften it a bit by saying, “You’re so sweet to think of me, but…” If you send the kid anything in the card, you’ll be expected to give money for all future milestones. Just so you know. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/15 "2013-05-22T14:50:30Z")
“Sorry, but I’m being extradited to Spain to stand trial on charges of war crimes.” ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/16 "2013-05-22T16:14:26Z")
“Sorry, but I have a meeting with my parole officer then.” ---
**Author:** ![applebetty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4af34b/32.png) [@applebetty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/applebetty)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/17 "2013-05-22T19:29:47Z")
“Thank you for asking, but I won’t be able to make it.” Because I don’t get out much anymore and I like it that way. Sit around in the sun and chat? No. Come to your tupperware/cooking gadget/sex toy party? No. Go out on the lake on your sailboat at night? Maybe. It’s got to be special or interesting before I even start thinking about it. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/18 "2013-05-22T19:36:11Z")
David Frost rang British comedium Peter Cook up some years ago: “Peter, I’m having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his new bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they’d love to meet you, big fans; Be super if you could make it: Wednesday the twelfth.” “Hang on… I’ll just check my diary.” Pause and rummaging and leafing through diary noises. And then Peter said “Oh dear. I find I’m watching television that night.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/19 "2013-05-22T21:03:52Z")
Do you want to…? No. Why not? Which part of NO don’t you understand. The N or the O? Two types of people piss me off: Those who cannot ask outright (Well, I know you probably don’t want to, and you might maybe already have other plans, but if you’re not busy…) and those who don’t take NO for an answer. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964/20 "2013-05-22T22:48:21Z")
A friend of mine managed one of the great come-backs to an overly insistent inviter: A rather annoying acquaintance of his (named Fred) arrived with his fiance - they were planning a wedding (Fred’s _fifth_) in 3 weeks, and wanted my friend to attend. He’d been to the fourth about a year earlier and found it, and Fred, rather tiresome - so he politely declined. But Fred was clearly not eager to accept his rather vague demurrals, and pressed just a bit too hard. The line that ended the discussion was “No Fred, I just won’t be able to make this wedding. But tell you what: I promise to catch the next one.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-someone-turns-down-an-invitation-with-a-lame-reason-just-accept-it-okay/658964.md?page=2)