# When women change their minds about having kids is it more a chemical thing or a social thing? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 4, 2012, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660 "2012-10-04T03:30:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/21 "2012-10-05T14:49:35Z")
> [@Glory](#): > > I don’t know…I went 40 years never wanting children. I never dreamed of getting married and having kids, I never visualized a child in my arms, never baby sat, never spent time with children or imagined doing things with a kid. I would have said I was a “nothing about children interests me” person. I didn’t want kids, had zero interest. > > And here I am! About to embark on the craziest, life changing adventure. I honestly have no idea what happened, but possibly some biological clock ticking factored in. Congratulations, Glory. I’m 42 with a busy 4 month old and I’m loving every second of it. I’m certain that I’m a better mom now than I would have been at twenty, just full of patience and curiosity about this amazing creature. It’s fun. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/22 "2012-10-05T16:05:12Z")
> [@SaharaTea](#): > > Huh? So women who don’t want kids are trying to remain perpetually 22 years old? Yes. That is exactly what I am saying. About every single woman.:rolleyes: Insert “some” between “so” and “women” and you will be correct. Some women (and men) want to be all “single and fabulous” in their 20s and 30s. They focus on their career and can’t imagine getting a boring house in the boring suburbs because it’s boring. Then they get to a point where they change their mind for whatever reason. They want someone to share their life with. They want something more meaningful then just partying all the time. The just get sick of the craziness and want some quiet. Whatever the reason. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/23 "2012-10-05T16:17:38Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > In my opinion, someone who says “seeing X or Y’s cute, well behaved children made me want my own” was always open to the idea of children. They might have had thoughts like “only with the right guy” or “only if my career is stable” or “having kids is such a big, scary responsibility, I don’t know if I could handle it” but underlying that there is a certain base level of interest in children. As opposed to people who were uncertain about children, people who actually did not want children, don’t change their minds. Nothing about children interests them at all. Well I am not a woman, but don’t underestimate the biological urge to procreate. 😉 It is one of the three things nature wants us to do, the other two being birth and death. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/24 "2012-10-05T16:31:10Z")
Sometimes it is social too. I never wanted kids and still don’t. But when my sister in law had kids, she got so much attention and gifts and gold showered upon her just for procreating that I admit I was jealous. It took a while, but I got over it when I realized that she was only getting attention for her children, and not for who she was. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/25 "2012-10-05T16:54:32Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Well I am not a woman, but don’t underestimate the biological urge to procreate. 😉 It is one of the three things nature wants us to do, the other two being birth and death. Don’t underestimate my desire to stab people who tell me that all normal women want children. I’m 36, you think I don’t know my own mind? I find babies thoroughly disgusting. I’m just unnatural, I s’pose. Even as a child, I rejected “baby dolls.” ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/26 "2012-10-05T17:18:01Z")
> [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](#): > > I turned 40 this summer and always wanted children but for whatever reason (some luck, mostly never having been in a relationship leading to marriage) haven’t ended up procreating. I do not believe I have that biological clock I keep hearing about so I guess if it is chemical, I’m broken. Perhaps I’m not old enough, but I doubt that’s it. Perhaps it’s because there are no suitable prospects, but I don’t think that’s it either. I have had a few offers from male friends to enter into some sort of arrangement, but I certainly don’t feel compelled to do so. This for me, exactly. I’ve always loved babies, wanted to be an obstetrician, love pregnancy info and babies are great. But never felt the biological urge to have one myself, and certainly didn’t want to have one alone. Didn’t marry until 44, at which point I would have happily borne a kid had the hubby desired one, but as he has two already, that was plenty for him. I _know_ that if I’d REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted one, he’d go along with it, I know that from the bottom of my heart. And still…nah. So for me, it’s definitely not a biological thing. It’d be a great experience, and I’m _slightly_ sad not to have it, but only slightly. And never acutely. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/27 "2012-10-05T18:19:11Z")
I don’t want to stay 22 forever. 28 was much better. 50 sorta sucks sometime. Still don’t want kids, but that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/28 "2012-10-05T18:21:54Z")
Mary Roach, in _**[Bonk](http://www.amazon.com/Bonk-Curious-Coupling-Science-Sex/dp/0393334791)**_, offers pretty good evidence that most sexual behavior is chemical. People may feel like it’s social, but they do what their hormones tell them. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/29 "2012-10-05T18:35:30Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Could it possibly mean that women just change their mind, and are neither mindless hormone robots nor oppressive social conformists? You know, the same things that motivate men to one day take off that condom and try to make a kid? > > As you get older, you realize you are probably not going to be the rockstar/war journalist/trapeze artist you thought would preclude you from being a great mother, and in fact your life is shaping up to be one that could fit kids in pretty well. Once you thought kids would keep you from your happy life of dancing all night and doing whatever, but eventually you realize your club kid days are over anyway. Maybe you’ve coupled up and it’s looking long term, but the thought of it being just you two for decades seems kind of lonely. Things are settling down and you are getting established, and maybe it’s getting a little boring. You start thinking about new challenges. > > In the meantime, your parents are getting older and you are realizing that soon enough, you will be in the same place. It would be nice to have family around when you are older, wouldn’t it? A hipster thanksgiving in your friend’s NYC studio seems fun and adventurous at 25, but at 30 you may start missing having a real thanksgiving with a family. You start realizing what your mom found so fun about raising you. > > It just all kind of starts to come together. This is pretty much it for me exactly. I realized that 1. I was no longer going to “ruin my life” by having kids. My life is settled, I’ve done most of the wild things that I’m gonna do, and I have a husband, a career, and some stability. 2. It’s OK to have some self-esteem. I am actually a pretty awesome person, and I _do_ have something to contribute to the world; a child would not necessarily be deprived by having me as a parent. 3. My father is dead; my grandparents are dead. Me having a child is the only way that there will be a little bit of them still in the world, whether that’s memories of them or just their DNA. This is especially true for my father, who didn’t have any other children. 4. I’m not a creative person, really. I don’t write or make art or anything. I’d like to leave some trace of myself on the world other than waste. ETA: I always wanted to go through a pregnancy, I just didn’t want to be a mom (for reasons 1 and 2). I seriously considered being a surrogate, but decided against it. Naturally, I’m now infertile and must adopt if I want to parent. So I don’t get to be pregnant, and I don’t get to pass on my father’s DNA. Dammit. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2012, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/30 "2012-10-05T18:52:48Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > And yet Gwen Stefani, Christiane Amanpour and …oh I don’t know…I sure some of those Cirque de Soleil chicks managed to crank out some kids. Thank you for pointing that out. There are very few occupations that preclude motherhood. What I was trying to say is that in your early twenties, life seems very freeform and it’s hard to imagine having the stability to raise children. As you get older, many people realize that it could, indeed, work. Honestly, it’s not that different than men. Lots of men in their 20s can’t picture settling down and having kids, and may even be violently against the idea. A significant portion of them do eventually settle down and have kids, with no particular need for a wash of magic irrationality hormones or whatever it is the OP imagines we must be at the mercy of. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2012, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/31 "2012-10-06T03:13:23Z")
It definitely felt like hormones to me. I wanted a hysterectomy at one point. Then, when I hit my late 20s, I started wanting kids even though no one in my group had any and I dislike most other people’s kids. I’ve liked looking at baby animals, but I don’t give a damn about baby humans (still don’t except for my friends). It really peaked last year when I saw a lady pushing a baby and thought, “I want that.” It was completely crazy and irrational. I got pregnant early this year and I hate pregnancy. I’ve had some moments of panic where I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I feel like I was out of my mind. A lot of my high school friends are pregnant right now, and we kept the fact that we were trying from each other, so I do wonder about clocks. Maybe we all just independently reached the same conclusion at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2012, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/32 "2012-10-06T03:56:05Z")
I changed my mind due to birth control failure. I never wanted kids, don’t even like kids but I was thrilled when I got pregnant. I am so happy to have my son. One of my friends who also never wanted kids got pregnant right around the same time. Very surprising since she and her bf were both told they would never have children. She was thrilled as well. Like Bob Ross used to say, ‘There are no mistakes, just happy accidents’. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2012, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/33 "2012-10-06T11:48:59Z")
From the outside, it may have looked like I had “baby fever”, but I really didn’t. For me, it’s just that I am a real goal-oriented person. When we were ambivalent about having kids, and when there was a real possibility that even if we wanted to, it wouldn’t be feasible/practical, I didn’t worry about it. But once we decided that that was what we were doing, I became very single-minded. It was a long process, because I had to lose a bunch of weight and we had to get our finances in order, and then their were fertility treatments because my husband has a genetic disorder we had to avoid, and so it all had to be done very deliberately. We had to have A Plan if we were going to do it at all. And when I have A Plan, it’s what I do. I don’t think about much else. I really hated not knowing if I’d ever have a baby. It’s such a fundamental part of how your life is shaped that once we’d made the decision to procreate but had very good reason to think it wouldn’t be possible, the cognitive dissonance of not knowing which of these two radically different lives I would lead was really stressful. Having control, but not by any means perfect control, over the outcome made it worse: I couldn’t leave it in the hands of fate, but I also couldn’t have faith that if hard work and dedication could make it happen, then it was mine. I spent a lot of emotional energy on all that uncertainty. It was more resolution fever than baby fever. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2012, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/34 "2012-10-06T14:22:25Z")
For me it was totally chemical. I always thought I’d have kids ‘‘some day’’ but at age 27, while I was in graduate school no less, my body just started really wanting babies. That isn’t going to happen until my husband finishes grad school and we settle down. But I have to admit when I look at other people my age who have children, it doesn’t seem very appealing. It’s almost like my body is betraying me by telling me I actually want a squalling infant, when mentally it sounds horrifying. What I would really like to do is adopt an older child through the foster care system. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/35 "2012-10-06T18:26:56Z")
My daughter has started experiencing this and it’s making her miserable. She doesn’t like kids much and has no desire to procreate but recently she’s been plagued by the desire. I really think it’s hormonal. ---
**Author:** ![rivulus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@rivulus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rivulus)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2012, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/36 "2012-10-07T00:21:25Z")
For me, it was totally hormonal. I had zero interest in kids, didn’t like to hold babies, etc. But sometime in my mid-thirties it hit me – I wanted a baby. Had to be pregnant. Had to have a baby. Just had to. No rational explanation. And as part of a lesbian couple, there was no societal expectation to start a family. Quite the opposite. But I was absolutely and single-mindedly determined to do it. We have two kids now and I am done with bearing children. Just as totally, completely done with babies as I was determined to have one before. Weird. ---
**Author:** ![sinjin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@sinjin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinjin)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2012, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/37 "2012-10-07T01:54:25Z")
Ah jeez I’m a total doof. I didn’t want kids, mrsin did. I read a lot of books that said the perfect age for having kids was 25. So I got preggers and delivered 2 weeks before I turned 25. Figured if I didn’t like the kid I would work and it would be raised by babysitters/nannies. Hahahhahahha. That lasted two weeks. Quit work, changed my life and there you go.🆒🆒🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Toxylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f05b48/32.png) [@Toxylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toxylon)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2012, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/38 "2012-10-07T08:25:12Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Could it possibly mean that women just change their mind, and are neither mindless hormone robots nor oppressive social conformists? You know, the same things that motivate men to one day take off that condom and try to make a kid? > [@even\_sven](#): > > Honestly, it’s not that different than men. Lots of men in their 20s can’t picture settling down and having kids, and may even be violently against the idea. A significant portion of them do eventually settle down and have kids, with no particular need for a wash of magic irrationality hormones or whatever it is the OP imagines we must be at the mercy of. Who says men aren’t affected by hormones in their decision to start procreating? Who says men don’t feel the need to conform to prevailing social expectations? As a father of two young kids, with loads of fathers of young children as friends, I’d say you are injecting needless antagonistic polarity into the discussion. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2012, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/39 "2012-10-07T13:50:25Z")
My wife had been one who was dead set on never having a child, and then six months before we met, suddenly she changed her mind. I asked again and she gave me one of looks like I’m stupid an spend too much time on the net. She says you can’t separate the two things. > [@Anaamika](#): > > I was actually at a healthcare meeting last week where this very thing was discussed - basically that we talk a lot about preventing teen pregnancy, but we don’t also tell women that unfortunately, biology limits child-bearing years. (. . . .) > > So women need to be educated and know, so they have the choice, or perhaps plan their families. I mean, “Family Planning” is a thing. It doesn’t just mean abortion and birth control, it also means having children when you do want them. Excellent post, the only thing I’d add to that is that men need to be educated as well. Several things that people often overlook or are unaware is how difficult it can be to actually get pregnant for some people, which unfortunately gets more difficult with age. Because of the horror stories they tell you when you’re a teenager, many people assume you can have a baby within a few months. Most in Japan fertility won’t even begin to look at someone until six months of active trying. One of my friends had been going out with his girlfriend for three or four years, but felt he “wasn’t ready yet” to “settle down.” He was in his late 30s and she was 34 or so, and while she didn’t phrase it as an ultimatum, she basically said it was time to fish or cut bait. He complained to me, but I reminded him that he had lots more time to make up is mind or not. For his girlfriend at 34, she would run out of time surprisingly fast, especially since she wanted two or three. While she really loved him she had always been upfront about wanting kids so if he decided he didn’t want kids, and she had to find someone else, that could take a while as well. He did decide, they got married and have one child and another on the way. ---
**Author:** ![smokey78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@smokey78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smokey78)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660/40 "2012-10-08T20:23:56Z")
I have never grown up with kids, babysat, whatnot. I have no desire to have kids, and I am in my 30s. I’m the only one in my age community with no kids so I’m the oddball. Like a previous poster, never had a relationship that led to wanting having/kids. I do adore kids and volunteered and helped out children, but that is it for me. I thought about my mother who when I was a toddler, bathing me was agony because the only way I would bathe was if I could do slip and slide in the tub back and forth. Sure she could have spanked me and told me to stay still, but then I would refuse to get into the tub. I often do think my friends married not for love but for good support, wanting a spouse to help them out for children and that they were reaching late 20s/early30s and finally finished up schooling. It had less to do with romantic love, I tend to think also these folks will divorce as the children grow older if not sooner. I only feel pressured to get married as folks think this is the next chapter of a life. If someone told me I would stay single til death, I would shrug becuz of my little desire to marry if it is not the best option for my life. (Yes, I’m still equating marriage=children). I do feel more compelled to adopt than have my own–giving a child a fighting chance. I figured that once my 20s have run out that was it for me and don’t want to deal with fertility treatments and fear of health risks and complications. I do not know anyone who is a single parent other than coworkers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-women-change-their-minds-about-having-kids-is-it-more-a-chemical-thing-or-a-social-thing/636660.md?page=3)