# When you are In Hell
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [August 22, 2020, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720 "2020-08-22T04:55:12Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/1 "2020-08-22T04:55:12Z")
… you have internet access, but it’s a dial-up connection.
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### Author:  [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/2 "2020-08-22T05:02:53Z")
My internet is Dixie Cups on rotten string. Where the fuck am I?
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### Author:  [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/3 "2020-08-22T06:33:02Z")
Purgatory. Of course.
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### Author:  [@OttoDaFe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OttoDaFe)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/4 "2020-08-22T06:35:41Z")
“Hello Central, give me {url}.”
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### Author:  [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/5 "2020-08-22T07:09:04Z")
> [@TriPolar](#):
>
> you have internet access, but it’s a dial-up connection.
When you are in Hell, you have WiFi/cable/Ethernet Internet access but it might as well be dial-up, AOL dial-up to be specific, because Hell’s Internet is based on China’s.
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### Author:  [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/6 "2020-08-22T08:02:20Z")
There’s music. It’s 7yr old kids playing Frere Jacque on a plastic recorder.
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### Author:  [@Pardel-Lux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pardel-Lux)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/7 "2020-08-22T08:21:05Z")
[Accordions](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-i5KuGqPGLNg/TfjTDzFbFgI/AAAAAAAAETw/Y79wbx1yIZs/s1600/cartoon_harp_n_accordion.jpg). I am sure. Gary Larson convinced at once.
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### Author:  [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/8 "2020-08-22T08:38:42Z")
Don Juan’s vision of hell: Where the whiskey bottles all have holes in the bottom, and the women don’t.
(Told by a supervisor in the workplace back in the days when you could get away with saying things like that.)
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### Author:  [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/9 "2020-08-22T09:53:23Z")
Heaven is where the police are British,
the chefs Italian,
the mechanics German,
the lovers French,
and it’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the chefs are British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italians.
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### Author:  [@Hilary\_Algar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilary_Algar)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/10 "2020-08-22T14:14:27Z")
Never give up and never give in.
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### Author:  [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/11 "2020-08-22T17:55:40Z")
Hell is other people.
But so is heaven!
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### Author:  [@Ynnad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ynnad)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/12 "2020-08-22T18:29:39Z")
For the sake of nostalgia:
[ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsNaR6FRuO0)
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### Author:  [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)
#### Post date: [August 22, 2020, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/13 "2020-08-22T23:18:51Z")
> [@TriPolar](#):
>
> … you have internet access, but it’s a dial-up connection.
Yeah… well… it was pretty heavenly when it was new. And when 1200 gave way to 2400 it was even better. Sometimes the text would write itself faster than you could even read it. Who could need anything so fast you couldn’t even keep up with it?
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### Author:  [@Forever77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Forever77)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2020, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/14 "2020-08-23T14:38:18Z")
Where everyone that ever cursed God dwells
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### Author:  [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2020, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/15 "2020-08-23T14:45:58Z")
And those who curse their fellow man, they go to Heaven?
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### Author:  [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2020, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/16 "2020-08-23T14:49:17Z")
Where Trump is President forever.
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### Author:  [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2020, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/17 "2020-08-23T19:51:53Z")
Love it, but in my experience (two decades in Germany) the German police were actually very pleasant to deal with. Things change.
There is another version of that joke:
Heaven is a Chinese wife and an American income.
Hell is … nah, that would be politically incorrect
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### Author:  [@DinoR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinoR)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2020, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/18 "2020-08-23T21:45:16Z")
I am heading to [Fiddler’s Green](https://1cda.org/history/fiddler-s-green/) anyway. If we have to settle for Hell’s crappy internet access that just means drunken arguments cannot be settled with an internet search.
Bonus!
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### Author:  [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2020, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/19 "2020-08-24T02:36:50Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#):
>
> Where Trump is President forever.
Thanks, thanks a lot. Gonna have nightmares for a week now and you made my baby kitty cry!😿
Just kidding, I don’t own a cat, my SO owns the cat. But I’m sure it would cry at the thought.
In addition to that horrific thought, he rules naked
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### Author:  [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2020, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-are-in-hell/918720/20 "2020-08-24T03:09:47Z")
I’ve never happier than when I was in dialup. Lightning fast, I regularly sniped Ebay bidders on their Win98 waiting for their terabytes of glitz to load. Text only through a freenet on my 386.
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