# When you have different amounts of "disposable income" - what's the right way to handle it
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [May 16, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592 "2010-05-16T00:04:59Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [May 16, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/41 "2010-05-16T18:09:37Z")
There’s nothing wrong with you or your boyfriend, but from what you’ve said here, it really does sound like you’re not both on the same page. If what **LurkerinNJ** said is just what’s going on with you two, it sounds like a relationship I was trying to have with a religious guy - we ended up breaking up because he wouldn’t commit to me over the religion thing. It sounds like this is the hill your relationship might die on.
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### Author:  [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)
#### Post date: [May 16, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/42 "2010-05-16T20:00:30Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> ??? So nobody on a tight budget should date? I should stay home and be alone for the rest of my life because I can’t blow a lot of money on a guy? Did you really mean this?
You cleverly left out the most pertinent two sentences directly before your quote:
> [@lindsaybluth](#):
>
> He’s not your Mr. Divine, and and I think this is very telling.
>
> I also don’t understand how you’re going to dinner and paying for drinks and the tip if you also have to choose between groceries and your son’s new shoes.
So, why did you call him your Mr. Divine? And what are you doing paying for drinks out when you are in a situation where you have to choose between groceries and clothes?
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### Author:  [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)
#### Post date: [May 16, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/43 "2010-05-16T20:28:36Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#):
>
> So, why did you call him your Mr. Divine?
As an easy identifier in my sentence - I had referred to my son, so rather than use “him” I used a title to make it clear who I was referring to - I could just as easily have referred to him as “my SO”, “the guy” or “my boyfriend”, although I feel a little silly using that word at my age.
[/QUOTE]
And what are you doing paying for drinks out when you are in a situation where you have to choose between groceries and clothes?
[/QUOTE]
Because, since I feel that there should be reciprocation, if he is willing to pay for dinner, the least I can do is pay for a drink. Since we only go to a restaurant once a month or so, I think chipping in $10 is reasonable. I have a few dollars in my monthly budget for “entertainment” such as this, but that is usually the money that ends up going towards unexpected expenses - if I have to divert money to something else, this is where I take it first. That is why we go out so rarely.
And you did not answer my question to begin with - do you honestly think that poor people not be allowed to date? I met a guy I really like and we want to spend time together; but according to you, I should not do that because I can’t afford to keep him the way he thinks he should be kept?
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### Author:  [@Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fake_Tales_of_San_Francisco)
#### Post date: [May 16, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/44 "2010-05-16T22:28:57Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#):
>
> You said he’s divorced. That changes how financially involved a man might want to get. Trust me on this. After my divorce my husband and I spent years on complex arrangements to split the bills in a fair and equitable manner. My mother in law was with her partner for 20 some years and they were still splitting checks by what each ordered (despite him making a lot more than she did) and dividing out the household bills - both of them had been screwed in previous divorces. Divorce can really change how much you are willing to invest in someone else’s comfort.
>
> Decide if what you have is worth sticking around for for you. It either is, or it isn’t. Don’t decide it isn’t good enough based on a book - which doesn’t even sound vaguely realistic to me (and I’m happily married 15 years now to someone who I adore - and believe the feeling to be mutual).
>
> I suspect you and he want very different things - at least at this point in time. You are saying you want a different level of concern for you than he is willing to give.
I’d pay quite a lot of attention to this post. If I was in his position, I would likely view paying for your groceries as a slippery slope. He doesn’t want to commit, you said that yourself, and little things like paying for gas etc is part of that commitment. Before long he might think that he might as well live there too if he’s going to start contributing to groceries, then you’re basically in a marriage-like relationship, which sounds like something he wants to avoid right now.
He probably doesn’t fully appreciate how much of a strain only being there once a week is on your resources. It’s not ordinary to not be able to have one guest over so infrequently.
But then, if he does know quite well that it’s breaking your bank, but he’s still /maliciously/ turning up, then I don’t know what you want people to say. There’s your deal breaker, right?
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### Author:  [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)
#### Post date: [May 16, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/45 "2010-05-16T22:42:30Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> Out of 10 once-a-week dates, we go out once, maybe twice, and he comes over the other eight or nine.
>
> But if a friend of mine came over that frequently and never brought dessert, or a bottle of wine, etc., I would find that strange, and rather rude.
Thank you, that helps to put it into perspective. If that same friend took me out to a nice dinner once a month and paid for it, I wouldn’t consider it strange or rude at all. I would consider us pretty even.
If you only see each other once per week, then no, I don’t think he’s obligated in any way to do more than he’s doing. It would be nice if he brought over some snacks or drinks or something sometimes, I agree, but he may easily feel he does his share for the level of your relationship.
As for how he chooses to spend his disposable income, at this point, it’s completely none of your business. You said he went from his parents house to a long-term marriage and is still paying for his obligation to his child and ex. That brings two points in that are important.
In his mind, I would guess, he is still obligated to his ex and child and they are who he is going to support. He was married for 20 years and has been divorced only one. Old habits die hard. He does not share that kind of obligation to you and quite likely at this point doesn’t want to (and sounds like he’s pretty much said as much).
He also may have had no control over his disposable income during his marriage. Maybe he always wanted more fishing reels and his wife would say No, you need to do this-- purely a guess on my part and you would probably know if that’s at all correct. It may not even have been the wife, but his own sense of obligation to make sure that extra money went to the family in some way and he may have a newfound sense of financial freedom and wants to be able to choose how he spends his money.
He doesn’t sound at all ready for more of a relationship than what you have but you sound definitely ready to take it further. It would obviously be a lot easier for you to pair up with him in a more defined and consistent way (and I don’t at all mean you’re using him or after his money or anything like that). If you combined incomes and homes, then you’d be a lot better off and you’d have both him and his consistent company and less stress financially. Unfortunately it really doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near ready for that, and maybe he won’t ever be.
If what you want in your life is a full-time relationship, I would guess that this won’t be it. If you’re not happy with the way things are, it may be time to move on, as much of a pain as that is, and find someone you can have a fuller life with. I’m sure the idea of starting all over again, looking for someone, getting to know someone, etc, is not fun, but you really need to define what you want long-term and it doesn’t sound like this type of relationship is it. (And, for the record, I totally disagree that you need to have lots of disposable income to date people.)
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### Author:  [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/46 "2010-05-17T01:36:03Z")
All IMO, of course, no offense intended anywhere…
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> Let’s say you and I were part of a group of 8 friends who take turns hosting a get-together. And let’s say that everyone has hosted 2 or 3 times, except for me. I have attended all these parties, but I have never volunteered to host one myself. Would you ask me why?
>
> Would you assume I was rude? Or that I was ashamed of my living conditions? That I live with a drunken mother who would embarrass me? That I was cheap? That I was not brought up to understand social reciprocation? Would you even ask, or just be resentful of me for not hosting, and freeloading on everyone else?
> …
> Or is it ok if I have everyone over but just serve tap water and a bag of store-brand chips, when you served a full buffet to us at your house?
It depends what “take turns” means. And “friends,” I guess.
If there was an _explicit_ arrangement to rotate hosting, then of course I’d expect everyone to follow it pretty strictly. In _that_ context, it might seem odd for any member of the group to host even a single repeat before everyone had a turn.
I might add that such an explicit arrangement doesn’t seem most natural among what I’d call _friends_–you could do this with coworkers, neighbors, church acquaintances, practically any social circle. Participating in structured social activities with people doesn’t make them your friends; part of what distinguishes genuine friendship from these other social interactions is that it _need not_ be structured or explicit. You do things with and for each other because (and when and how) you want to.
OTOH, if it was a casual arrangement where a group of friends (and maybe not the exact same group each time) often get together at one or another home, it wouldn’t occur to me to either assume or ask anything about any one person’s level of participation. My overall assumption would simply be that everyone who hosted was doing so because they wanted to and were able to.
If I put out a fabulous spread, it’s because I can and I want to. If you invite friends over _for a meal_, you’re expected to provide a meal, not a snack, but you’re _not_ obligated to match anyone else’s affair, because the one is not a trade for the other. They are separate events.
Friendship isn’t about keeping a tally of who has contributed what, and looking for the slackers to make up their debts.
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> …since I feel that there should be reciprocation, if he is willing to pay for dinner, the least I can do is pay for a drink.
Nothing wrong with that, as such. Your OP did say he paid for everything, every time you went out. But, look, those nights out aren’t your only nights. You’ve _been_ reciprocating. You’ve been having him over and feeding him at your place.
Maybe this is the real problem–you feel obligated to pay part of the cost of a night out at _his_ invitation. Get over that. Accept his gifts joyously without guilt, and maybe then you can give of yourself without resentment.
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> One of my friends is struggling as much as I am. When we get together, we do things that are free, we don’t go out to expensive places, because we both are considerate of each other’s financial situation. Again, to me, that’s being considerate and polite.
>
> I’m not asking him to pay the rent or the electric bill; that is my responsibility and would be the same whether or not he was coming over. But it just seems…odd..that he can come over and not do anything at all to pitch in, especially when he knows I am struggling.
Let me offer a different interpretation. He _is_ pitching in, and he _is_ considerate of your struggles. He takes you out to places you wouldn’t otherwise get to go, and always picks up the tab. And at the same time, he is happy to spend cheap nights in at your place–_not expecting_ you to reciprocate _in kind_.
Stop having him over more than you can readily afford. If he _is_ crazy for ya, he’ll make up the lost time other ways.
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### Author:  [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/47 "2010-05-17T03:26:41Z")
[quote=“DivineComedienne, post:43, topic:539592”]
And you did not answer my question to begin with - do you honestly think that poor people not be allowed to date? /QUOTE]
First of all, I asked _you_ the question “to begin with”. You stated in earlier posts that the mere act of your son ripping his sneakers means you have to choose between food and his shoes. That’s living hand to mouth! If that is your REAL situation, then you have no business dating, as it’s a luxury in that situation. But then later you say you go out for sit-down restaurant meals (when you **really** live hand to mouth, unless you’re in credit card debt, you go to McDonald’s) and enjoy other things. So which is it? He’s giving you experiences you otherwise wouldn’t get, he’s treating you to a lifestyle you personally haven’t earned, and you should be kissing the ground he walks on as a result.
> [@Salem](#):
>
> If you only see each other once per week, then no, I don’t think he’s obligated in any way to do more than he’s doing.
For Christ sakes, you’re trying to get the guy to buy you groceries and you go out ONCE a week!?
This isn’t a serious relationship. This is you trying to make a mountain out a molehill. A serious relationship is you spending the majority (so, 4+ night/week) together. Or, if it’s long distance, you spending every night on the phone together. Period. I can’t believe we were tortured into thinking your boyfriend was a deadbeat. This poor guy is being dragged through the mud. Paying for shampoo? Unless you’re rubbing Frederik Fekkai onto your tresses (and if so, you’re not living hand to mouth really!) then you’re being absurd. Maybe I’m harsher than other posters, but they’re saying exactly what I’m saying - he’s not a deadbeat, and you’re a bit of leech who expects to be taken care of. End of story.
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### Author:  [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/48 "2010-05-17T04:51:47Z")
I think the practical solution to this on a day-by-day basis is, “Hey, I’d love to have you come over, but I don’t really have much of anything to fix for dinner for you. Do you want to pick up some steaks/chops/chicken/burgers on your way over here and I’ll cook them for us?”
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### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/49 "2010-05-17T05:15:57Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Let’s say you and I were part of a group of 8 friends who take turns hosting a get-together. And let’s say that everyone has hosted 2 or 3 times, except for me. I have attended all these parties, but I have never volunteered to host one myself. Would you ask me why?
>
> Would you assume I was rude? Or that I was ashamed of my living conditions? That I live with a drunken mother who would embarrass me? That I was cheap? That I was not brought up to understand social reciprocation? Would you even ask, or just be resentful of me for not hosting, and freeloading on everyone else?
>
> What if you did ask me, and I said I couldn’t afford it? Would the other seven of you offer to bring the food and drink? Am I not holding up my part of the friendship if I can’t afford to host, since I have come to all of your homes? Or would I be considered a bad hostess if I didn’t spring for all the goodies? Would I get drummed out of the group? Or is it ok if I have everyone over but just serve tap water and a bag of store-brand chips, when you served a full buffet to us at your house?
Actually, if someone is willing to attend other people’s parties, and eat and drink the refreshments provided, without showing any sign of reciprocation…I tend to assume that person is rude or at least socially clueless. Because I’ve been that poor, and what happens is that I don’t participate in spendy activities if I can’t reciprocate. I’ll offer what I can, but if everyone is going out to the movies, I won’t ask for the rest of the gang to chip in for my ticket and refreshments. If I was ashamed of my living conditions, then I’d probably offer to have the whole gang out to a picnic, or possibly to a restaurant. If I was dirt poor, then I’d have people over for iced tea, lemonade, popcorn, and whatever other cheap treats I could manage. The thing is, there’s a social contract going on here, and if you are enjoying other people’s hospitality without making some effort to reciprocate, then you WILL get a reputation as a mooch. You might or might not get drummed out of the group, but you’re going to get that reputation.
When you’re poor, yes, you DO have to make unpleasant choices. And sometimes that means that your entertainment is very limited. And you sometimes have to say to friends “I’m sorry, but I really can’t accept your invitation, because I can’t reciprocate”, and sometimes they’ll tell you it’s not a problem, you should come on over anyway…and sometimes you won’t be invited to the monthly gathering. Being poor sucks, but sometimes you can’t help it. But you can help being a freeloader.
It seems to me that you want this man to act like the two of you are an exclusive commited couple when it comes to spending, but the two of you aren’t a commited couple. Either your expectations or your relationship with this man have to change.
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### Author:  [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/50 "2010-05-17T06:56:48Z")
If he just got divorced, he might be feeling as if he got his clock cleaned re finances and might be extra sensitive to any hints of “goldiggeritus” though I’m not saying that that is in ANY way what you’re doing. That is probably why he’s gun-shy about any moving in together and seriousness.
If it’s too expensive to entertain him as often as you’ve been doing it, and he’s already shown he’s either not willing or able to help, you will have to make some choices. Either don’t cook or provide food when he comes over, make available only really cheap stuff (Or better yet, all raw stuff that has to be cooked and/or prepared, hmmm, maybe he’ll pitch in with some hands on work? :D) spend more time at his house, or see him less often, or mainly only when you go out. Since the relationship is on “sleepover” status, it sounds pretty serious, but where is it really? Do you know? And more importantly, where do you want it to be?
It sounds as if you’re more ready for it to be a little more serious, based on your statements of (paraphrased) “if he truly cared he’d want to provide for me”. Last thing, what if he did decide he wanted to move in and be “serious,” and his behaviour regarding “pitching in” was no different? Don’t “blame” or make him the bad guy, but this might be a good time to back off just slightly and gently and subtly reassess , for both your sakes.
I think you’re being smart by questioning this, money is up in the (what is it? number 3?) top 5 or 10 of couple problems that can break up a marriage or relationship. You definitely want to know now, is he a tightwad? Or is he just still uncertain of women and money situations?
Best of luck!!!
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### Author:  [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/51 "2010-05-17T07:03:08Z")
I suspect this isn’t really about money.
You say that he is “nonchalantly watching [you] struggle.” Is he really standoffish? Does he offer non-monetary or emotional support? Does he lend a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on? Does he help you around the house? Does he show concern about your health? You seem to hint that he is unsupportive on all fronts.
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### Author:  [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/52 "2010-05-17T10:40:47Z")
[quote=“lindsaybluth, post:47, topic:539592”]
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> And you did not answer my question to begin with - do you honestly think that poor people not be allowed to date? /QUOTE]
>
> First of all, I asked _you_ the question “to begin with”. You stated in earlier posts that the mere act of your son ripping his sneakers means you have to choose between food and his shoes. That’s living hand to mouth! If that is your REAL situation, then you have no business dating, as it’s a luxury in that situation.
Ah, so you REALLY DO think that poor people have no right to date anyone or try to be happy. Interesting. I assume that you have never struggled, and for your sake, I hope you never have to. Good luck.
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### Author:  [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/53 "2010-05-17T10:49:19Z")
[QUOTE=lindsaybluth;12462455
For Christ sakes, you’re trying to get the guy to buy you groceries and you go out ONCE a week!?
Maybe I’m harsher than other posters, but they’re saying exactly what I’m saying - he’s not a deadbeat, and you’re a bit of leech who expects to be taken care of. End of story.[/QUOTE]
Didn’t say he takes me out once a week - if you read my post you would see that we SEE EACH OTHER once a week, and out of 10 of those once-a-week dates, he comes over 8-9 times and he takes me out 1-2 times. Which translates into 4 dates per month, 1 of which he takes me out to a moderate restaurant (above McDonald’s but below Redstone).
I have also said several times that I don’t expect to be TAKEN CARE of, I expect more balanced reciprocity in keeping with our incomes. I asked if he was taking advantage of me, or if this seems balanced to others. If you are intent on calling me names, I suggest you move it to the Pit.
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### Author:  [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/54 "2010-05-17T14:32:45Z")
You’re not an item so why should he?
If you were together then its a different situation but you’re not.
Are you sure that you’re not using this issue as a pretext to get more committment from him?
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### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/55 "2010-05-17T15:02:50Z")
I totally get where you are coming from on this. You don’t want him paying for your bills because you can’t afford to feed him, you just want him to care enough about you to realize that you might be in a tight spot and want to do what he can to help you out. I think the problem is that, while he does realize your situation and you’ve spelled it all out for him, he doesn’t want to commit to anyone and his helping you out in a tight spot is not an option he is willing to consider.
You may want to rethink the way you approach date night and see what might work better for you. Try to do things that require you both to put some effort into each date rather than each of you covering a whole evening. Search the internet and dig up free tickets to movies, concerts, and other things so you can take him out and let him buy you a drink or some popcorn. Use your Netflix account or go to the library to rent the movie Tombstone and have him pick up a couple of Tombstone frozen pizzas on his way over and do dinner and a movie. Ask him to pick up a bottle of wine and meet you in the park and bring cheese, crackers, and a blanket to have a picnic. Let him know that it isn’t about money but about effort and time and see if that might work better for you.
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### Author:  [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/56 "2010-05-17T16:00:05Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#):
>
> I ended up breaking up with him over it.
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> This. Exactly this.
I think this is where you are at. You have shared your concerns with your BF, and he has not responded. IT’s important to you and not to him.
Dump him.
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### Author:  [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/57 "2010-05-17T17:39:16Z")
It sounds to me like he’s not ready for commitment, and if he’s not ready after a year of dating, it’s probably not gonna happen.
When I was dating my husband, he sold his motorbike to raise money to fix something on my pickup. I didn’t ask – it was a total surprise. He borrowed the pickup one day while I was at work and when he brought it back, the dings were fixed and painted. If we went someplace in my vehicle, he’d fill the tank. On my side, I’d go to his house, grab his laundry, and do it at my place. Both of us cooked for the other.
Neither of us had to ask the other to do something to help each other out. But if one of us had come right out and **asked** the other for money (or a gift card, or groceries), I think we would have felt like we were being used. It’s not something you do with someone you’re casually dating, and once a week is casual, IMHO.
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### Author:  [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/58 "2010-05-17T17:54:16Z")
I don’t think you should make a big deal out of his lack of response to the gift card thing. Providing financial support to a significant other is a sensitive issue, and I suspect that he was uncomfortable with the way in which you asked for help.
I would make a suggestion that’s similar to some other posters. The next time he comes over for dinner, ask him to bring something specific for the meal you’re making that day (a pound of chicken breast, or a bottle of wine, or snacks or something like that). If you go for a long trip in your car, ask him to pay if you need to get gas (I wouldn’t do this if he’s spending a lot on gas to come and visit you all the time). Food and drinks at home can get expensive, but for things like shampoo and soap, I think you are better off letting that stuff slide.
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### Author:  [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/59 "2010-05-17T18:38:08Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#):
>
> Ah, so you REALLY DO think that poor people have no right to date anyone or try to be happy. Interesting. I assume that you have never struggled, and for your sake, I hope you never have to. Good luck.
I can think of about a hundred ways to date someone and try to be happy that don’t involve buying drinks at nice restaurants when you couldn’t afford groceries for the week because your kid broke his sneaker. And from what **lindsaybluth** has posted it seems like she knows exactly what it’s like to struggle to make ends meet too - if not first hand then from experiences with others.
What I find strange about your attitude is the way you want to be provided for when you could so easily balance things out in ways that aren’t so awkward. Why would he buy you shampoo when you could so easily ask him to pick up a pizza on his way over? I would certainly feel much better about being asked to pick up and pay for takeout than to buy a woman I saw once a week toiletries.
Feeding an extra person once per week should really not be that big a deal for someone who is presumably very experienced at living cheap. Get some extra sausage, boil extra pasta, pour on a little extra tomato sauce. Done! Feed an extra person for the whole week for $3.50.\* Your portion of being taken out to dinner costs him what? $40-50?
\*Add a half penny for using your shampoo to my estimates.
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### Author:  [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-have-different-amounts-of-disposable-income-whats-the-right-way-to-handle-it/539592/60 "2010-05-18T02:53:27Z")
I would like to sincerely thank everyone for their comments. I posted the question because I was not sure if I was being irrational about it; what I found out from all of you very insightful folks is that I was asking myself the wrong question.
I said that, if the situation were reversed, I would offer to help him, so I didn’t understand why he would not be helping me (even in ways like AuntiePam mentioned above). The thing I didn’t realize was that I would be willing to help him BECAUSE I’M MORE INVOLVED IN HIM THAN HE IS IN ME. I mean, he cares about me, I know that; but not to the level I care about him. And that was/is the real problem.
You all helped me realize that this is about me, not him. I guess I’m not as OK with being “casual” as I thought I was. So I want to again thank you all very much for your very honest, helpful and informative responses.
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