# When you live in Television..... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 6, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182 "2010-06-06T16:30:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/101 "2010-06-11T15:56:23Z")
There are never screens in any windows. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/102 "2010-06-11T16:09:19Z")
If you are in the police force in any city in TVLand, you definitely want to work in the forensics departments, because that’s where all the most smokin’ hot police officers work. Don’t fret about the low pay - you will still be able to afford top of the line designer fashions & an awesome-looking apartment. Fear not the idea of tedious routine lab work - the lab will be decorated & lit like an ambient lounge, with pulsing techno music playing over the loudspeakers all day long. Don’t expect the work to be dull - despite the fact that you are a lab technician, you will still go on criminal investigations, cross examine suspects, get involved in chases & shoot-outs, and cuff & arrest perps. You’ll never ruffle any of your fabulously trendy outfits though. If you are a gay guy on TVland, you are FAAAAAAAAA-BULOUSLY campy! You are a hyper-manic, mincing, excitable and like to prance around screaming “OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD!” You also have no real love life of your own, and have no interest in socializing with other gay men, either by dating or just being friends with them. You’re content to be a sidekick, really just an accessory, for a trendy straight woman, and you spend all your time tagging along with her and appraising her tastes in the straight men she dates. If you are a gay woman - you are a lipstick lesbian. You are probably also a humorless control freak. In whatever time period your TV show is set, there will invariably be a flashback to an earlier time period in which it will be revealed that you went around in the loudest, most stereotypical ‘nostalgic’ clothes of the time. In other words, if you are a 40-something character on a TV show set in 2010, someone will invariably dig up an old video of you from the 1980s in which you have mullet hair, a “Miami Vice” jacket with big shoulder pads, parachute pants, and carrying a “cordless phone” the size of a large briefcase. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/103 "2010-06-11T16:15:03Z")
In Western cowboy towns theres never any horse shit. All women use bubble bath. In bed the sheet is at waist level for the man but his S.O. has it at above tit level even though theres nobody else in the room…and NOBODY throws off the sheets and blankets. When people get shot they’re hurled backwards. If someone has something urgent to relate in a life or death situation they’ll hesitate, beat around the bush for a while… When an officer gives an order in a combat situation he will wait patiently while his men discuss the order with him before carrying it out. Any woman who is a cop, a member of Mossad or a spy will easily physically defeat a male brickshithouse spy, soldier, marine or gangster even though she weighs 112 pounds and he also has been trained in proffessional violence. All and I do mean all explosives and artillery shells are incendries and go off with a spectacular fireball. If you shoot a cars gas tank it will explode. If a car crashes it will explode in a fireball. If you’re a single cop the first thing that you’ll do when you get home is to take a beer from the fridge. All regular guys have a poker night, a bowling night and a watch the game day. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/104 "2010-06-11T16:30:54Z")
- female cops wear stilettos for chasing down perps - rain at every funeral - cold weather doesn’t cause visible breath vapour or cold necks (only cold hands, which will need to be rubbed vigourously while talking about how cold it is) - serious injuries heal in minutes/days, cause no lasting problems - heroes can take almost indefinite punishment before turning around and kicking bad guy ass - injuries sustained earlier in the fight magically disappear as hero needs to start kicking ass and win - fridge is always full (with a whole, cooked chicken - I often have a cooked chicken in my fridge, but it’s never whole as we have eaten a good portion of it while it was a hot, cooked chicken) and a complete, frosted layer cake. Hell, I want a tv fridge. 😃 - one bite of food satisfies the most ravenous hunger - most houses from the most humble to mansions have two sets of stairs to go upstairs - front doors need never be closed - turning on one tiny light lights up the whole set - any procedure on the computer no matter how complicated involves three keystrokes and the enter key - women have sex with their bras on; men often have sex with their briefs on - people like to eat crowded around one side of the table ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/105 "2010-06-11T19:20:38Z")
If you live in Cop Show Land, be careful - every waiter, store clerk, cabbie and ticket taker remembers your face and the time they saw you. ---
**Author:** ![Dahnlor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dahnlor/32/533_2.png) [@Dahnlor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dahnlor)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/106 "2010-06-11T20:03:07Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > All grocery trips require only one bag, and there must be a loaf of bread sticking up out of the bag. > Also, this bread is always unwrapped and exposed to the elements. Specifically, the bread is a baguette. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/107 "2010-06-11T20:28:40Z")
> [@42fish](#): > > If you’re a pregnant woman in anything other than a medical show, your chances are only 50-50 of giving birth in a hospital instead of a taxi/subway/stuck elevator/etc. Fortunately, there are never any complications during birth so whoever you’re stuck with will be able to handle things. Also, there will be no sign of blood or any other bodily fluids anywhere. When the elevator (or whatever) doors open, the mother will be sitting there in clean clothes, holding a clean, pink, happy baby wrapped in somebody’s coat or shirt. On which there is also no blood. ETA: Also, the placenta and umbilical cord magically disappear. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/108 "2010-06-11T20:33:22Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > If you live in Cop Show Land, be careful - every waiter, store clerk, cabbie and ticket taker remembers your face and the time they saw you. Yeah but at least half the time they’re way too busy when the detectives interview them to stop what their doing and give the cops the information that they know without adding a lot of sass. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/109 "2010-06-11T20:36:50Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > And if you come home wearing a tie and jacket, you don’t change into something more comfortable. Actually, when I come home thus attired, I remove the jacket but often keep the tie on. I like ties. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Hamsandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4bbf92/32.png) [@Darth\_Hamsandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Hamsandwich)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/110 "2010-06-11T20:42:26Z")
- An interracial kiss is immediately followed by a mixed cry of of shock and happiness coming from an unseen crowd of people. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/111 "2010-06-12T02:54:01Z")
Your gun, no matter _what_ size clip it has, will hold as many bullets as you need. You’ve got a six-shooter, but you need to fire nine times? No problem in TV Land. Until, of course, you _really_ need to shoot, at which time your gun, no matter how reliable, _will_ jam. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/112 "2010-06-12T03:52:18Z")
I don’t know if anyone has noticed this but . . . When you eat, no matter how small the bite you take is, it causes you to talk as if you had stuffed half a burger in your mouth at once. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/113 "2010-06-12T03:53:23Z")
Oh yeah, and you must deeply inhale through your nose after each bite, before swallowing. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/114 "2010-06-12T04:41:16Z")
> [@DWMarch](#): > > If your car is in an accident, it may explode in a gigantic, almost nuclear fireball. This is because television gas tanks are made out of paper, perched close to several ignition sources and capable of being punctured by bad thoughts. And are filled with hyper-fuel or something. Definitely not gasoline. Christmas and birthday presents are wrapped, but the lid and the box are wrapped separately. All you have to do is slip off the (optional) ribbon and lift the lid to see what’s inside. ---
**Author:** ![joebuck20](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/74df32/32.png) [@joebuck20](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joebuck20)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/115 "2010-06-12T05:08:13Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > - > - fridge is always full (with a whole, cooked chicken - I often have a cooked chicken in my fridge, but it’s never whole as we have eaten a good portion of it while it was a hot, cooked chicken) and a complete, frosted layer cake. Hell, I want a tv fridge. 😃 And the chicken will be perfectly golden brown with the little booties on the drumsticks. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/116 "2010-06-12T05:08:39Z")
If you are the hero, you will walk through flames, and endure gunshot/knife wounds with minimal complaint, but you will wince and audibly react when your love interest applies disinfectant and a bandage. Double dates rarely end well. Animals do not shit on the rug. Or puke. Or drag dead things inside. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2010, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/117 "2010-06-12T13:04:19Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > I don’t know if anyone has noticed this but . . . > > When you eat, no matter how small the bite you take is, it causes you to talk as if you had stuffed half a burger in your mouth at once. So I’m not the only one thats noticed this. Nice one. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/118 "2010-06-13T23:28:39Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Similarly, no one ever comes to the front door while someone else is still on the phone. They always show up within 2 seconds after the hang up. Or occasionally before the hangup, if it was Kramer on his cordless phone dropping in on Jerry. Speaking of _Seinfeld_ I always thought it was remarkable how four people living in Manhattan seemed to go almost everywhere in their own (or each other’s) cars. Apart from one or two episodes set mostly on the subway, public transit was hardly ever used or mentioned. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/119 "2010-06-14T03:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Also, there will be no sign of blood or any other bodily fluids anywhere. When the elevator (or whatever) doors open, the mother will be sitting there in clean clothes, holding a clean, pink, happy baby wrapped in somebody’s coat or shirt. On which there is also no blood. For a long time in TV Land you could be shot and there’d be no blood. ---
**Author:** ![DWMarch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwmarch/32/1010_2.png) [@DWMarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DWMarch)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/120 "2010-06-14T10:26:36Z")
> [@](#): > > You’ve got a six-shooter, but you need to fire nine times? Subverted in The Boondock Saints, which admittedly was not a television show: “A fuckin’ six shooter! There’s nine bodies genius! What were you going to do, laugh the last three to death?” Speaking of The Boondock Saints: “Television… television is the explanation for this. You see this on bad television. Little assault guys creeping through vents, coming in through the ceiling… that James Bond shit never happens in real life! Professionals don’t do that!” “You know, on TV you’ve always got that guy that jumps over the sofa.” “Yeah, and then you’ve gotta shoot at him for ten fuckin’ minutes too!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182.md?page=7)