# When you live in Television..... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 6, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182 "2010-06-06T16:30:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/121 "2010-06-14T10:40:15Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > Your gun, no matter _what_ size clip it has, will hold as many bullets as you need. You’ve got a six-shooter, but you need to fire nine times? No problem in TV Land. Until, of course, you _really_ need to shoot, at which time your gun, no matter how reliable, _will_ jam. Jam, but not run out of bullets. Running out of bullets happens only if your gun uses clips, and it conveniently takes place either when you’re in the middle of slo-mo cablebatics (so you can do something like toss the new clip up, swing the gun and have the clip fall neatly into place) or while the Bad Guys are standing around a corner deciding who gets killed next (so you have time to take the old clip out, clean the gun, prepare a new clip from scratch and snap it in). ---
**Author:** ![Panurge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/fbc32d/32.png) [@Panurge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Panurge)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/122 "2010-06-14T12:21:34Z")
In TV land … You will never turn off the bedroom lights completely. In fact, most people prefer to just turn off the small bedside lamp but leave the powerful, hidden light on. Conversely, your workplace (especially if it has any kind of lab equipment) will have almost no lighting at all. Just enough to illuminate everybody’s faces. The exception to this is the powerful flourescent lights that will bathe every office, hallway and lab in a horrible shade of purple, green or orange. ---
**Author:** ![joebuck20](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/74df32/32.png) [@joebuck20](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joebuck20)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/123 "2010-06-14T12:56:27Z")
If you’re dating, or otherwise having sex with a new person, your co-workers and friends will immediately notice something “different” about you. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/124 "2010-06-14T14:46:19Z")
> [@joebuck20](#): > > If you’re dating, or otherwise having sex with a new person, your co-workers and friends will immediately notice something “different” about you. That actually happens - people have noticed something different when my sex life reactivated without me telling them. ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/125 "2010-06-14T14:56:32Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > This! When they wake up together and start kissing I immediately think- don’t you have to pee? Brush your teeth? > > Nothing pulls me out of the moment than two people who have deep intimate (sexual or otherwise) interactions first thing in the morning without peeing first!!! Umm, going on numerous first-hand encounters, neither partner needs to pee every time. Occasionally, yes, or with some partners every time, but there have been plenty of times where it was “Good morning.” “Good morning.” Trains-going-through-tunnels/rockets-launching/fireworks/etc. with neither of us first leaving the bed for any reason. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/126 "2010-06-14T16:40:58Z")
People almost never go to church unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Sunday Mass with the family? Forget about it unless it’s relevent to the plot. Something like 40% on Americans go to church each week. Likewise, you rarely see family pets, unless there’s something pat-related going on. You never just see the dog in the familyroom watching TV with the Dad, or getting food handed to him surreptitiously under the kitchen table. Or even just food and water bowls in the kitchen. Except for Eddie in _Frasier_ - he was as much a cast member as Daphne. StG ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/127 "2010-06-14T17:08:35Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > People almost never go to church unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Sunday Mass with the family? Forget about it unless it’s relevent to the plot. Something like 40% on Americans go to church each week. > > Likewise, you rarely see family pets, unless there’s something pat-related going on. You never just see the dog in the familyroom watching TV with the Dad, or getting food handed to him surreptitiously under the kitchen table. Or even just food and water bowls in the kitchen. These are two of the reasons why _The Simpsons_ is one of the most realistic shows on television. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/128 "2010-06-14T18:02:51Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > That actually happens - people have noticed something different when my sex life reactivated without me telling them. Ditto-rino, Kemosabe. -Joe ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/129 "2010-06-14T18:42:53Z")
No two people in your circle of acquaintances will ever have the same first name. When you go to a high school basketball game, the bleacher section will be four rows in height. You never sneeze or cough unless the plot demands it. At the dinner table, milk will be served in a glass pitcher. Nobody changes clothes when they get home from work/school. Mundane tasks such as changing light bulbs or cleaning bathrooms do not exist. In winter time, snow carried in on the clothes never melts. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/130 "2010-06-14T19:04:05Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > People almost never go to church unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Sunday Mass with the family? Forget about it unless it’s relevent to the plot. Something like 40% on Americans go to church each week… And in TVLand Roman Catholicism is the default form of Christianity, unless of course you’re Black. In that case you’ll got a vaguely Baptist predominatly Black church with lots of singing and hand clapping. [QUOTE=Thudlow Boink] These are two of the reasons why The Simpsons is one of the most realistic shows on television. [/QUOTE] Yes, practically the entire population of Springfield (with the noticeable exception of the Quimbys) goes to the same [del]generic[/del] fictional Protestant church (but the Hibberts later migrate to the AME church). **Mama’s Family** also showed all the main characters going to a Baptist church suitable to the shows setting in a small Southern town. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/131 "2010-06-14T19:22:23Z")
If you’re investigating a homicide, there will be no random junk lying around the crime scene. Every miniscule fiber, hair, scrap of paper, etc., within 20 feet will be directly relevant to finding the killer. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/132 "2010-06-14T19:33:21Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > If you’re investigating a homicide, there will be no random junk lying around the crime scene. Every miniscule fiber, hair, scrap of paper, etc., within 20 feet will be directly relevant to finding the killer. With the _exception_ of stuff that _seems_ relevant, but is actually a dead (heh) end, allowing the killer more time to kill more people. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/133 "2010-06-14T20:16:42Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Mundane tasks such as changing light bulbs or cleaning bathrooms do not exist. However, if you DO have to engage in such a task, it will either (1) go Hi-LAR-iously wrong because of your clumsiness (sit-com subsection), leading to massive electrical outages/fires/water everywhere or (2) it will distract you while a murderer sneaks into your apartment (horror/crime subsection). ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/134 "2010-06-27T03:16:43Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > The exception that proves the rule: Night Court’s Judge Harry Stone. > > If you are a member of Starfleet DO NOT WEAR A RED SHIRT!!! [“Star Trek” Death](http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2048925&id=1168490711&l=ad7b168f9f) True, red shirts were the most dangerous for Enterprise crewmen. But the other colors had their share of deaths. As a matter of fact, tan was the most dangerous color in the 1st season of TOS. ---
**Author:** ![aaelghat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c5a1d2/32.png) [@aaelghat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaelghat)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/135 "2010-06-27T05:37:34Z")
Phone conversations in TV Land are hyper-effecient. If you receive a phone call while at work, you’ll just answer with your last name and the entire call will last less than 20 seconds. No small talk. If you make a phone call, you’ll rarely get voicemail. Also, you’ll always get the right person in the household (no, "May I speak to Mary?). Vending machines in TV Land are very troublesome. If you use a vending machine, there is more than a 50% chance it will take your money without giving you what you purchased. At a restaurant, people either know what they want to eat straight away, or it will take them less than 10 seconds to decide after looking at the menu. This was alluded to previously, but if the you and your friends regularly frequent a particular restaurant or coffee shop, you will always get the exact same table. It rarely rains in TV Land. You almost never drive in the rain and turn on your windshield wipers. Hair is always the same length. In real life, you’d say - “nice haircut”. In TV Land you never do, because you can’t tell when someone got their hair cut. People don’t walk around the house in their underwear. When going to bed and the room is dark, if you want to talk to your partner, you first need to turn on the bedside lamp.You will say something and turn off your lamp, but your partner will still want to talk and so will turn on her lamp. Apparently, people can’t talk while lying in bed in the dark. Any inventor in TV Land can create a prototype of their invention in less than a day. Most families in TV Land put the “fun” in dysfunctional. There is no SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Drum\_God](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drum_god/32/44_2.png) [@Drum\_God](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drum_God)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/136 "2010-06-27T07:13:32Z")
What about the guy who gets hauled in during a murder investigation? Grizzled Cop: “Johnson is dead!” Suspect: “Good. He was a no good, lousy, son-of-a-bitch!” Cop: “So, you guys didn’t get along?” Suspect: “Get along? Hell, I couldn’t stand the guy. He tracked mud in my office. He told racial jokes about my race. And…he slept with my girlfriend.” Cop: \ Now, if the cops hauled my ass in while investigating the murder of a guy I knew… Cop: “Johnson is dead!” Me: “What?” Sits down heavily. “Oh no. I can’t believe he’s really gone!” Cop: “We heard you guys didn’t get along.” Me: “Get along? Hell, I loved him like a brother. He was my hero. He was the most amazing person I’ve ever known.” Cop: “We heard he would track mud into your office, tell offensive jokes, and even slept with your girlfriend.” Me: “Oh that? That was nothing. I love mopping floors. I laughed at his crazy sense of humor. I was honored that he would choose my girlfriend for his sexual adventures. He was that great of a guy. I’m really gonna miss the big lug.” Cop: \ ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/137 "2010-06-27T07:43:52Z")
_Bones_ regularly does it the other way around, **Drum God**. they will add another line for the suspect in your first example - Suspect: “No…, did you think **I** killed him? I hate him but not enough to kill the guy!” and as the story winds to a close the most innocent party, **you** , will of course turn out to be the killer because he dared to mock your drumming skills. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/138 "2010-06-27T08:04:34Z")
oh i forgot to add: Suspect: “No…, did you think **I** killed him? I hate him but not enough to kill the guy!” Booth: \ Bones: \ ---
**Author:** ![audit1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@audit1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audit1)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/139 "2010-06-27T09:25:35Z")
In TV land, on any project, one and only one scientist is crucial to the project. Absence of said scientist will cause the project to fail since he alone knows how to proceed. He also never leaves enough notes behind when he is inevitably kidnapped for the project to continue so he must be rescued for the safety of the world. Said scientist will have only one child, a daughter. ---
**Author:** ![Barking\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Barking\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barking_Dog)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182/140 "2010-06-27T10:41:13Z")
> [@joebuck20](#): > > And while giving birth you’re screaming and cursing at your husband. And you don’t mind that the guy helping you deliver this new life into the world is a cab driver who has spent an entire day in a hot car sweating and not washing his hands, doesn’t have the least bit of medical training, and doesn’t really do anything except stare at your vagina and tells you to “push”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-live-in-television/542182.md?page=8)