# When your balls get stuck to the porch **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 2, 2002, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017 "2002-12-02T19:18:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/1 "2002-12-02T19:18:32Z")
So I was watchin’ this show the other day. Seems some gal’s old dog was laying on the warm porch for too long and when he tried to get up he discovered that his ball sack had got stuck to a plank. He’d tug and tug and you could see that ball sack just stretch and stretch and it kinda freaked me out because I was scared that all of a sudden it was going to snap and that poor dog would go flyin’ off the end of the porch like an A6 off an aircraft carrier. This guy was tryin’ to help and finally asked the girl for a spatula, the kind you flip eggs over easy with, and they were able to kinda sniggle that spatula between the canine’s huevos porcheros and the pine plank and finally free Old Blue from his predicament. This understandably made the dog happy. Now unfortunately, I’ve found myself to be frequently reminded of the dog’s plight as of late whilst here at work. It seems that the chairs they provide us with are not scrotally ergometric. You see, the arms are just too close together and If you’ve been sitting for awhile, which I often have cause to be, the sides of your scroat apparently have the means by which they can attach themselves to the inner thigh of your legs. It’s almost like having two tenacious pads of Postit Notes on either side of Mister Happy. I guess if I were to think about it beforehand, I could probably reach down there and jiggle things free on a periodic basis. I do have a private office. But usually I’ve already made it out into the hall before I notice that my genital anchors have a firm grasp of my inner thighs and I’m quite loathe to reach down and tug 'em free for fear that someone’s gone think I’m entertaining myself. Now I’ve already tried a couple of homespun remedies to rectify this situation. I slathered my scrotular area up good with an ointment before, hoping that would keep them “ice-free in the ol’ northern port” but it didn’t seem to work all that well. I think it was Brylcreem I used and all it managed to do was stain my skivvies to a darker hue. Concerned but not desperate, the next time I liberally applied baby powder to the area of consternation. Problem with that was that by the end of the day, my once pristine wingtips then looked like snowshoes. So I’m still at a loss. We can put a man on the moon but we can’t keep a scroat off it. Does anybody else share my plight and if so, pray tell, can you suggest a remedy for this dedgum Postit Scroat Disorder? ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/2 "2002-12-02T19:22:24Z")
I could crochet a little snood for you… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/3 "2002-12-02T19:25:55Z")
Huh? You mean hit 'em with a wooden mallet through a little hoop? Will that help? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/4 "2002-12-02T19:28:37Z")
Mr. Jar, being a sort of cuddly cro-magnon, has no problem with “fixing his junk” and announcing it to everyone as he does it. And when we’re at home, forget about it. He fiddles with his peen for minutes on end, trying to get in just the right position. It’s endearing in a ‘my very own caveman’ sort of way. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/5 "2002-12-02T19:31:44Z")
Grok make fire. ---
**Author:** ![Hanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b3f665/32.png) [@Hanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanna)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/6 "2002-12-02T19:31:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*So I was watchin’ this show the other day. \*\* You watched _Joe Dirt?_ Isn’t that a scene from that movie? (I didn’t watch it, but came across the scene while scanning through the movie channels) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/7 "2002-12-02T19:36:36Z")
One must call D. Spade a spade. But don’t entertain the thought for even a minute that my bouffant resembles his in the slightest. That fool uses gel or something. ---
**Author:** ![BeerFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BeerFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeerFan)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/8 "2002-12-02T19:37:19Z")
Lieu, Your quandry leaves me slightly aghast. I think that you must suffer from sweaty ball syndrome (SBS). SBS is frequently over looked during the allocation of funds by the National Institutes for Health. The NIH far too frequently funds research to discover that in fact if a rat eats the equivalent of 25 Quarter Pounders W/Cheese per day that the rat will die from heart disease in short order. The sweaty sack, however, remains ignored. I believe that you, based solely on your OP, are in a position to help over come this problem. Your OP indicates that you are inquisitive and generally concerned about the SBS problem. I humbly suggest that you apply for funding from the NIH too further research this oft ignored malady with the hopes of providing some solace to those among us who suffer in silence. Respectfully Yours, Beerfan ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/9 "2002-12-02T19:42:05Z")
I don’t think they’re sweaty as I prefer to keep a big fan under my desk. I guess I could have VBS hewever, the pesky Velcro Ball Syndrome. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/10 "2002-12-02T19:44:32Z")
I’m your BIGGEST fan, just for the record. But I couldn’t fit under the desk. ---
**Author:** ![BeerFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BeerFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeerFan)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/11 "2002-12-02T19:54:40Z")
I see. VBS is definitely a, how should I say this, ball of a different color. Perhaps you should invest in some Nair (if I recall correctly the product in question is lauded for its ability to remove unsightly body hair). VBS can be more accurately characterized as short & curly consternation. Removal of the offending short & curlies could cure the problem. Perhaps Mrs. Lieu could help with the remedy. Beerfan ---
**Author:** ![carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrot)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/12 "2002-12-02T20:00:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BeerFan \* > **Removal of the offending short & curlies could cure the problem.** Somehow, I think this might not be the cure you think it is. Once all the hair is removed, it would seem that the surface area available for sticking due to sweat would be greatly increased. What I mean is, without any hair as an intermediate in the scrotum/leg interface, serious adhesion could occur. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/13 "2002-12-02T20:05:20Z")
One of them does look a lot like Letterman. ---
**Author:** ![BeerFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BeerFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeerFan)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/14 "2002-12-02T20:05:32Z")
You have apparently ignored the party in questions reply to my SBS post where it is stated that > [@](#): > > I don’t think they’re sweaty . Hence I suggested the hair removal. Beerfan ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/15 "2002-12-02T20:08:38Z")
> [@](#): > > I don’t think they’re sweaty as I prefer to keep a big fan under my desk. I believe that this is known as the “cool breeze on the rocks.” ---
**Author:** ![carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrot)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/16 "2002-12-02T20:10:28Z")
Well, **BeerFan** , in removing the offending hair, one loses the breathability of said interface, thereby increasing the likelihood of sweatiness. However, you were right that I ignored the reply in some sense, as I kind of glazed over at the part about the fan under the desk. That would indeed improve the sweatiness problem. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![BeerFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BeerFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeerFan)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/17 "2002-12-02T20:10:42Z")
> [@](#): > > One of them does look a lot like Letterman. All I can say about this is you should seek qualified medical help if any part of your body resembles Letterman. And I’m not thinking GP here I’m thinking Psychiatrist since this whole OP is based on the fact that your leg hairs and scrotal hairs can become so interwined as to be uncomfortable. If some how you can see Letterman in that scenario, well that’s just scary. Beerfan. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/18 "2002-12-02T20:14:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*I’m your BIGGEST fan, just for the record. > > But I couldn’t fit under the desk. \*\* This just made me laugh out loud. Good one. ---
**Author:** ![lauramarlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@lauramarlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lauramarlane)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/19 "2002-12-02T20:18:18Z")
My SO seems to have a similar problem, but swears by baby powder. Of course, this results in other problems for me as I don’t like the taste of baby power and have accidentally gotten a mouthful a couple of times ☹ Needless to say, I now have to ask him if he’s powdered the biscuits before we get too intimate! Good luck in your search for the cure, **lieu**! ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_The\_Diver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Buck\_The\_Diver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_The_Diver)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2002, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017/20 "2002-12-02T20:18:44Z")
WD-40, my friend, is the answer to your conundrum. Is there anything it CAN’T fix? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-balls-get-stuck-to-the-porch/140017.md?page=2)