# When your SO pours you a drink **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2017, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798 "2017-09-20T11:11:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2017, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/41 "2017-09-20T21:26:05Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Everyone who knows me well knows about my soda/ice ratio hangup, so they don’t even try to pour my drink for me anymore. > > So I do understand. It’s only took my husband 27 years to learn to PLEASE just let me do it myself. 34 years here and I just do my best to be the one putting the ice in the glasses. He knows, but he doesn’t always engage his brain. But I’m way too old to train another, so… ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/42 "2017-09-20T22:05:09Z")
Early on in my very peaceful marriage we came to a common recognition. Do not let things bother you. If something bugs you, ask for a change. The other is obligated to accommodate that change as much as they can. And whatever is left unchanged must be forever after ignored by the first person. If you let something continue to bother you, pretty soon the relationship assault score will be 87,432 to 4. The only argument will be about who has the 4. This works well when both parties are willing to play. As **billfish678** has said, it won’t work when you’ve got a crazy person for an SO. Nor will it work with a skilled taker. All life is about this truism: you can only influence others; yourself is the only person you can control. Stepping back from the drink-pouring to the larger issue of the OP’s life. I hear somebody telling us “Fate keeps piling obligations on me to help others and meanwhile nobody is taking care of me while my life goes down their rat holes.” If that’s an accurate assessment of your situation then you have a decision to make: You have an obligation to take a certain amount of care of yourself. You owe it to you. Nobody else owes it to you and nobody else can do it for you. When you’re pushed to that limit then Fate be damned; the answer to any more requests has to be “No”. It’s very nice that you’ve taken in two people (ex-wife & SO) who are both in bad shape. But if that’s more than you can handle you won’t succeed in saving them. Instead 3 people will drown rather than just 2. Think long and hard about what it takes to say “no” to demands that exceed your capacity. Martyrdom is never very satisfying in the doing, as much as it sounds attractive in the offering to help. There is a happy medium somewhere between martyred doormat and psychopathic selfish jerk. You’re a lot closer to the former than sounds safe or healthy. Moving a bit the other direction is not evil, selfish, or bad. It’s sound judgment for your long-term ability to help yourself and help the world. Basket cases do no one any good. Don’t become a basket case. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2017, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/43 "2017-09-20T22:48:58Z")
Maybe I am an old softie…or something… But I teared up a bit reading what LSLguy said…some definite words of wisdom there… ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/44 "2017-09-20T23:04:55Z")
Here is something that drives me insane every day. me: _looks for something_ her: what are you looking for? me: nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Just opening a few cabinets and closing them back up. her: c’mon, tell me what you need. me: okay, I’m looking for the thingamabob. her: I have no idea where it is. You’re the last one who had it. Where did you leave it? me: :smack::smack::smack::smack: Yep, marriage is about letting ridiculous shit like this roll right off your back. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2017, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/45 "2017-09-20T23:34:41Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Here is something that drives me insane every day. > > me: _looks for something_ > her: what are you looking for? > me: nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Just opening a few cabinets and closing them back up. > her: c’mon, tell me what you need. > me: okay, I’m looking for the thingamabob. > her: I have no idea where it is. You’re the last one who had it. Where did you leave it? > me: :smack::smack::smack::smack: > > Yep, marriage is about letting ridiculous shit like this roll right off your back. There’s also the flip side to that: Him: “Honey, what did I do with my sunglasses?” Her: “How the fuck should I know?!” ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/46 "2017-09-21T00:07:39Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Here is something that drives me insane every day. > > me: _looks for something_ > her: what are you looking for? > me: nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Just opening a few cabinets and closing them back up. > her: c’mon, tell me what you need. > me: okay, I’m looking for the thingamabob. > her: I have no idea where it is. You’re the last one who had it. Where did you leave it? > me: :smack::smack::smack::smack: > > Yep, marriage is about letting ridiculous shit like this roll right off your back. LOL, and you fall for it every time! ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/47 "2017-09-21T00:38:08Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > But that’s just it. What if you STILL plated her food every time, even after she asked you not to. And when she asks “Can you let me plate my own food?” you scream “I can never do anything right!!!” > > IMO, you would be in the wrong. As in the case in the OP. (not you, but the spouse who doesn’t listen, and gets mad about it) In fairness, OP has not said that his wife screams at him. That was an invention of another poster (I searched ‘scream’ in the thread but I didn’t remember it, and lo and behold, that is other poster’s projecting onto OP’s wife). One thing that comes up in relationship advice, is that we aren’t getting the whole story. OP has said what’s happening in a way that makes him seem very put upon and his wife seem very uncaring. Well, uncaring enough to get him a drink. Maybe not caring enough to remember if it’s soda or juice he likes a 1/2 cup of. Or OP has a bad habit of saying “JUICE just a half cup” and his wife doesn’t hear. and “I can never do anything right” is something a grump might say, but it’s also the words of someone that’s never praised but constantly criticized. Or OP’s wife could be insane. I dunno, I’ve never met either of them in real life. I’m not saying OP is a bad person, but part of this communication problem is on him as well as on his wife. I understand he’s frustrated, but I wonder how two-way that street is. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/48 "2017-09-21T02:55:48Z")
Wait…I lied…I have to say something…why oh why would yours and presumably your ex-wives children and her family not helping you with her care. They are somewhat obligated, are they not? Jerk them kids up and make them help you. Maybe your SO is pissed about that, you think!?! And furthermore, She is not your servant, period. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/49 "2017-09-21T06:03:15Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Wait…I lied…I have to say something…why oh why would yours and presumably your ex-wives children and her family not helping you with her care. They are somewhat obligated, are they not? Jerk them kids up and make them help you. Maybe your SO is pissed about that, you think!?! And furthermore, She is not your servant, period. You are about the 10th one to comment on the servant thing. You didn’t read the post. We get each other drinks when we are up, we both cook etc. The only complaint was it wasn’t served how it was requested. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/50 "2017-09-21T06:06:18Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > In fairness, OP has not said that his wife screams at him. That was an invention of another poster (I searched ‘scream’ in the thread but I didn’t remember it, and lo and behold, that is other poster’s projecting onto OP’s wife). > > One thing that comes up in relationship advice, is that we aren’t getting the whole story. OP has said what’s happening in a way that makes him seem very put upon and his wife seem very uncaring. Well, uncaring enough to get him a drink. Maybe not caring enough to remember if it’s soda or juice he likes a 1/2 cup of. Or OP has a bad habit of saying “JUICE just a half cup” and his wife doesn’t hear. and “I can never do anything right” is something a grump might say, but it’s also the words of someone that’s never praised but constantly criticized. > > Or OP’s wife could be insane. I dunno, I’ve never met either of them in real life. > > I’m not saying OP is a bad person, but part of this communication problem is on him as well as on his wife. I understand he’s frustrated, but I wonder how two-way that street is. She has kind of a problem not only at home but at work of feeling like any kind of correction is getting yelled at. She told me she was oversensitive about corrections since grade school. She takes it personal and doesn’t really understand why. The funny part is whenever you say something to her she reinterprets everything into what she things you really want. I think this is because she always asks for less than what she really expects. She actually appreciates if I give her more than she asks for where I am the opposite, I tend to say exactly what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/51 "2017-09-21T13:10:58Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > In fairness, OP has not said that his wife screams at him. That was an invention of another poster (I searched ‘scream’ in the thread but I didn’t remember it, and lo and behold, that is other poster’s projecting onto OP’s wife). > > One thing that comes up in relationship advice, is that we aren’t getting the whole story. OP has said what’s happening in a way that makes him seem very put upon and his wife seem very uncaring. Well, uncaring enough to get him a drink. Maybe not caring enough to remember if it’s soda or juice he likes a 1/2 cup of. Or OP has a bad habit of saying “JUICE just a half cup” and his wife doesn’t hear. and “I can never do anything right” is something a grump might say, but it’s also the words of someone that’s never praised but constantly criticized. > > Or OP’s wife could be insane. I dunno, I’ve never met either of them in real life. > > I’m not saying OP is a bad person, but part of this communication problem is on him as well as on his wife. I understand he’s frustrated, but I wonder how two-way that street is. Fair enough about the “scream” word. But it seems like he is communicating fine “Can I get 1/2 a cup of juice?” but she is just not listening or doesn’t care or something. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/52 "2017-09-21T13:50:14Z")
The OP seems to have many good reasons why it’s OK for her to continue to offer to pour him a drink, and why he continues to accept. The problem is, none of those things are working. So, as has been suggested repeatedly, just politely decline and do it yourself. It’s not about a fair division of labor. It’s not about anything other than that when she tries to pour you a drink, one or both of you are ending up aggravated. It’s unnecessary, and the solution is simple. You want the solution to be different; but that isn’t working. You have a different solution at your disposal that does not rely on the memory or whim of anyone else. It’s completely within your control, and it will come out to your satisfaction 100% of the time. Just do it yourself. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/53 "2017-09-21T14:07:13Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Fair enough about the “scream” word. But it seems like he is communicating fine “Can I get 1/2 a cup of juice?” but she is just not listening or doesn’t care or something. With his latest comment, he says how she asks for less food and he gives her more anyway. Then she does that to him and he gets mad. He claims it’s because she isn’t being truthful when she says she wants less but I really wonder if there are mixed signals. Plus OP mentioned that he knows she takes criticism very personally. That may be a character flaw, but pushing that button by pouring out the extra isn’t helping. I agree with **Asimovian**. There’s a simple solution, it’s just not the one OP wants. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/54 "2017-09-21T14:28:59Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > I agree with **Asimovian**. There’s a simple solution, it’s just not the one OP wants. I also agree with **Asimovian**. I just hope the same answer is given next time someone complains about “not putting the toilet seat down” or “throws underwear on the floor instead of the laundry basket” ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/55 "2017-09-21T15:23:47Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > With his latest comment, he says how she asks for less food and he gives her more anyway. Then she does that to him and he gets mad. He claims it’s because she isn’t being truthful when she says she wants less but I really wonder if there are mixed signals. > > Plus OP mentioned that he knows she takes criticism very personally. That may be a character flaw, but pushing that button by pouring out the extra isn’t helping. > > I agree with **Asimovian**. There’s a simple solution, it’s just not the one OP wants. I know that seems odd, but we have known each other for 25 years now. She prefers I fix her plates actually she loves me to fix her plate and her food. She has an over developed need to please, I think because she understates what she wants she assumes everyone does. I have known quite a few people like this usually women. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/56 "2017-09-21T15:44:36Z")
Let’s accept as truth that Ms.Badger is a person who hears through a negativity filter and interprets minor complaints and criticisms as major affronts to her self-worth. And let’s play out that **HoneyBadgerDC** just politely declines and does it himself next time she offers. She then asks why he just got up and got himself a drink when she had just been up and offered to do it for him. How does he respond in a way that does not get heard negatively? The bigger issue here is communication. Fault is irrelevant. We all want to be heard and listened to by those we love and who we try to hear and listen to. The triviality or non-triviality of the item is irrelevant, be it half-filled (half-empty) glasses or toilet seats or toothpaste or which way the toilet paper roll goes or frequency of sex or cuddling or work schedules. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/57 "2017-09-21T16:10:39Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Let’s accept as truth that Ms.Badger is a person who hears through a negativity filter and interprets minor complaints and criticisms as major affronts to her self-worth. > > And let’s play out that **HoneyBadgerDC** just politely declines and does it himself next time she offers. > > She then asks why he just got up and got himself a drink when she had just been up and offered to do it for him. > > How does he respond in a way that does not get heard negatively? > > The bigger issue here is communication. Fault is irrelevant. We all want to be heard and listened to by those we love and who we try to hear and listen to. The triviality or non-triviality of the item is irrelevant, be it half-filled (half-empty) glasses or toilet seats or toothpaste or which way the toilet paper roll goes or frequency of sex or cuddling or work schedules. I agree, I think some days other issues play in and magnify trivial issues such as the one I posted. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/58 "2017-09-21T16:14:49Z")
This is so God awful petty…the real problem is his situation is strained because he has taken over care of his childrens Mother…so every minor thing gets blown out of proportion… Get to root of the problem…; fix that first…then deal with his relationship to SO…I still think the problem lies there! ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/59 "2017-09-21T16:56:50Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > This is so God awful petty…the real problem is his situation is strained because he has taken over care of his childrens Mother…so every minor thing gets blown out of proportion… Get to root of the problem…; fix that first…then deal with his relationship to SO…I still think the problem lies there! Apparently it’s only OK to make petty complaints about your spouse when it involves a lack of Sunday morning coffee. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2017, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/60 "2017-09-21T17:22:30Z")
Hey…coffee is REAL Important!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798.md?page=4)