# When your SO pours you a drink **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2017, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798 "2017-09-20T11:11:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/81 "2017-09-22T14:39:49Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > Slightly off topic, about 10 years ago she started getting into cooking and being more of a homemaker, preparing my lunches for work etc. I think it was the first time she had actually lived in a stable environment. She had trouble remembering what I like on my sandwiches so I made a chart that listed all the meats and condiments breads cheese etc. She only had to go down to the meat and then each condiment would have a X meaning I wanted it or an O meaning optional. I was so proud of my chart and was sure she would love it. Lets just say I had her figured wrong. If it were me, I’d have laughed heartily until I noticed you weren’t laughing too, at which point my smile would fade as I tried to remember whether my suitcase was in the attic or the basement. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/82 "2017-09-22T15:03:04Z")
> [@gnoitall](#): > > FWIW, my love and I have worked out an arrangement. > > If she wants to do something for me, I don’t criticize how it’s done. If I held a preference strongly enough to have the alternative bug me, I do it myself. > … > And vice versa. Mutual respect and a smidge of tolerance goes a damn long ways (31 years and counting). This. All of this. Everything we do, we do for the team. Makes life \*real \*easy. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/83 "2017-09-22T15:20:14Z")
> [@gnoitall](#): > > If I’m presented with something done for me already, I put on my grown-up pants and accept it in the spirit in which was offered This is of course good advice. But the trouble comes when you genuinely don’t like what is offered. What do you do? Just except it without saying anything for the rest of your life? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/84 "2017-09-22T15:25:00Z")
I don’t understand what is so hard about this…Just do it yourself…sooooo…easy! Your deeper issues, on the other hand, need pro-help, I believe. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/85 "2017-09-22T15:27:19Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I don’t understand what is so hard about this…Just do it yourself…sooooo…easy! Your deeper issues, on the other hand, need pro-help, I believe. So, if your SO offers you a drink, and you know that he/she will make it wrong, then you should just do it yourself, to ensure it’s done correctly? ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/86 "2017-09-22T15:33:07Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > This actully works, I do it a lot of the time Then it seems you have a solution to your problem. Just ask for 1/4 cup. Why are we two pages into this thread if that works? ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/87 "2017-09-22T15:44:53Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I don’t understand what is so hard about this…Just do it yourself…sooooo…easy! Your deeper issues, on the other hand, need pro-help, I believe. OTOH … Ref **Dseid** ’s wise post #56. The wife will (probably) overreact to the implied criticism of him saying “Thanks for the kind offer of a drink dear. But no thanks, I’ll get it myself.” How does one “win” in that situation? Where winning is _not_ “good for him; bad for her”. But rather “Both parties are happy and nobody is stressed or disappointed.” IMO these two people don’t fit very well together. Which means stress and disappointment are a too-large part of their every day. Coming up with the least bad alternative isn’t easy. It’s far from obvious to me that your solution is their least bad solution. Most of these relationship threads are a real Rorschach test for the rest of us. It does sound like your proposed solution fits the challenges in your life. Just as my proposed solution fits mine. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/88 "2017-09-22T15:48:06Z")
I agree ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/89 "2017-09-22T16:01:15Z")
OP has stated he has known SO 25 years…these issues should have smoothed out by now. Unless her /his personality has recently changed, which is another can of worms entirely ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2017, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/90 "2017-09-22T16:56:36Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > … IMO these two people don’t fit very well together. … MHO is that we don’t know that. We know there are things that don’t work perfectly. I’m guessing there have been and are aspects of living with his SO that **HoneyBadgerDC** has found appealing and that she finds satisfaction in as well. It may even be that some of the same aspects that play out as dysfunctions have at some level been part of the appeal as well: for some being needed and caring for is important and it seems like **HoneyBadgerDC** has felt needed by and that he has cared for his SO, for example. He just wants to _sometimes_ be needy and cared for as well. (All from his POV, which is the filter we have to view through.) We know that **HoneyBadgerDC** has a minor frustration in not being able to enjoy getting the half glass he actually wants from her when she’s up and offering to get him a drink, and that _more fundamentally_ he is frustrated that she does not seem to be listening to him and that their communication patterns (from his POV due to her negativity filter and longstanding insecurities) restrict his ability to ask for what he really wants without uncomfortable conflict resulting. To some degree he had to have been attracted to what he experiences as her fragility in the first place in addition to being frustrated by it. We do not know how that plays out in the satisfaction they have with each other balance. Or if there is a way to recalibrate the balance so that he can be needy and vulnerable a bit more and she is the reliably there for him needed one more. I’m not sure there is. They’ve played their mutual parts a long time. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/91 "2017-09-23T05:02:49Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > OP has stated he has known SO 25 years…these issues should have smoothed out by now. Unless her /his personality has recently changed, which is another can of worms entirely You have posted in this thread 14 times. You’ve made your point clear by now. All of your posts have been pretty much the same exact thing…saying the same stuff and being very little by way of helpful other than just berating the OP. Nobody else in this thread is posting their same opinion over and over and over. If you have nothing else left to add to this topic other than to continually pile onto the OP, there is the Pit for that. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2017, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798/92 "2017-09-23T15:08:26Z")
Ok, I get it. No more from me on this thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-your-so-pours-you-a-drink/796798.md?page=4)