# Where art thou, Mr. Cynical? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 16, 2000, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562 "2000-08-16T13:40:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/1 "2000-08-16T13:40:37Z")
**The Artist Formerly Known as Mr. Cynical** – What’s up with the name change, dude? What’s the significance of Portnoy? I’m not the most lucid in the morning anyway, but with all these name changes lately, I’m tracking even worse than usual. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/2 "2000-08-16T14:03:52Z")
I think it means he masturbates using butcher meats. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/3 "2000-08-16T14:17:46Z")
Port: where a ship docks noy: yon backwards ME? I think it’s a reference to ChiefScott’s upcoming arrival in FLA. ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/4 "2000-08-16T14:28:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drain Bead \* > \*\*I think it means he masturbates using butcher meats. \*\* BWAHAHAHAHA! And I just thought it meant he’s a closeted Richard Benjamin fan. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/5 "2000-08-16T14:30:20Z")
Yes, I thought the liver reference would make its way here relatively quickly. None of that pre-packaged stuff for me, either. I want it straight fdrom the butcher block. Thanks to **Drain Bead** for not mentioning Onion Rings as well. If you’ve ever read the Bloom County cartoon strip, you’ll recall Portnoy, the somewhat bad-tempered groundhog. That’s the true inspiration. The other choicesI considered were Steve Dallas (but I don’t have the law degree), and the Supreme Ruler of the Universe from the Hitchhiker’s Guide series. Unfortunately, he was only referred to as The Supreme Ruler of the Universe, or as The Man. So, yes. I chose a cartoon rodent. On a worse day, I might have picked Nutria. Or Coldfire. Sheesh, what kind of a gay name is _THAT_? ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/6 "2000-08-16T14:59:25Z")
I have to admit I had the same idea as Drain Bead. Thanks for the clarification, but I think the original idea is stuck in my mind forever now. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/7 "2000-08-16T15:12:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drain Bead \* > \*\*I think it means he masturbates using butcher meats. \*\* Oh yeah, like nobody else here does. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/8 "2000-08-16T15:26:13Z")
MY question is: Why did you bother changing your name? And is your baby now mini porty? Can we call him port-a-potty?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/9 "2000-08-16T15:36:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > \*\*MY question is: Why did you bother changing your name? > > And is your baby now mini porty? > > Can we call him port-a-potty?😃 \*\* And this, from a guy who doesn’t even have the decency to wait 'till the liver is out of the cow before…Never mind. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/10 "2000-08-16T15:40:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Portnoy \* > \*\*And this, from a guy who doesn’t even have the decency to wait 'till the liver is out of the cow before…Never mind. > > 😃 \*\* HUH? What does that mean, exactly? As I haven’t reda the (series of) book(s) involved here, maybe you’ll need to explain this to me carefully. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/11 "2000-08-16T15:55:39Z")
It’s called _Portnoy’s Complaint,_ by Philip Roth. Go pick it up. It’s like a neurotic, Jewish version of American Pie. ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/12 "2000-08-16T15:57:13Z")
The book is Portnoy’s Complaint. I cannot bring myself to explain it further. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/13 "2000-08-16T16:02:38Z")
Would it be quicker for me to find that book or for someone to explain the liver bit? I suspect it was the American pie of the book, but I can’t be sure . . . If it is, PN, I don’t do that sort of thing . . . have stated that in previous threads, will continue to state it until people read:) And Michi, get on AIM. I wanna talk about this with you.O:) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/14 "2000-08-16T16:13:05Z")
So your full name is “Portnoy Cynical?” Now I know how everyone felt when I switched from “Flora McFlimsey” . . . This will take some getting used to. ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/15 "2000-08-16T16:16:07Z")
Oh my dear Lord in Heaven, I just explained it to him. I feel so dirty! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/16 "2000-08-16T16:27:53Z")
So Portnoy. Does this mean you’ll be hooking up with lolagranola? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/17 "2000-08-16T16:28:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eve \* > \*\*So your full name is “Portnoy Cynical?” > > Now I know how everyone felt when I switched from “Flora McFlimsey” . . . This will take some getting used to. \*\* Oh fie on that. I’m the same boy you’ve known all along. Still pining for you just like always, still being shot down like a Iraqi fighter jet. ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/18 "2000-08-16T16:32:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > **MY question is: Why did you bother changing your name?** Yeah, what he asked. Why the change? Are you no longer cynical? Don’t tell me that fatherhood erased all cynicism from you, leaving nothing but mushiness and Hallmark card sentiments in its wake. Will you now start believing everything you hear, watching shows about psychics on FOX, and taking the X-Files at face value? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/19 "2000-08-16T16:37:58Z")
Eh, you shoulda gone with Hodge Podge. That seems more like your style. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2000, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562/20 "2000-08-16T16:40:22Z")
THANK YOU, Mully! I’ve been trying to remember Hodge Podge’s name all morning! And oldscratch…everyone knows it was OPUS who married lolagranola. 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-art-thou-mr-cynical/29562.md?page=2)