# Where I pit the father of my child.... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 22, 2004, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091 "2004-11-22T11:35:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![biddee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@biddee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/biddee)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/21 "2004-11-23T16:03:10Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > It may take talking to a professional to help him realize what exactly the problem is and how to come to grips with it. I totally agree with you **Catsix** but I’m afraid he will NOT go to a couselor. I think he really distrusts them from his time in rehab (he’s been twice). I have heard good reviews about this book that is coming and I am hoping that once he reads it he will come to grips with whatever is bothering him. We are also planning a family cruise early next year (we really need a vacation). To everyone who has answered this thread…thank you so much for all your help and understanding. I don’t post much on the SDMB, but I do lurk a lot and love to read everyone’s posts…especially here in the pit! I will keep y’all updated. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/22 "2004-11-23T16:52:19Z")
> [@biddee](#): > > He’s 33, I’m 31… Years?!? OLD?!? ---
**Author:** ![supervenusfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@supervenusfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supervenusfreak)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/23 "2004-11-23T17:01:22Z")
Sounds like his priorities are waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of whack. He may be saying “I love you”, but his actions aren’t proving it. Actions, not words. Rehab, twice? And he distrusts counselling? Find the time to go yourself, and sort out what you are feeling, and what is going on. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/24 "2004-11-23T17:12:19Z")
> [@supervenusfreak](#): > > Rehab, twice? And he distrusts counselling? That was my reaction as well. My family has been struggling with an addict for a while now, and part of the problem is that while he is using, his emotional maturation just stops, or even regresses. So while your bf may be 33 years old physically, if he has used drugs for most of his adult life he may still be 16 inside. I hate to say it, but he may have some growing up to do before he is ready to be a father, and reading a book may not be enough if he doesn’t see a reason to change. I also 6th (7th?) the recommendation that you get counseling seperately. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/25 "2004-11-29T03:56:13Z")
> [@biddee](#): > > and myself for choosing him! > > Aarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, this man drives me insane! He says that he loves us but refuses to put us first in his life. His friends and going out are more important to him, it seems. It took me threatening to take his child away from him for good for him to finally wake up and see that this relationship is in trouble. Yet he refuses to go to counselling…he ‘doesn’t like to talk to people’…yes I know asshole, you won’t even talk to me about what’s bugging you. I had one of these - married him at 20, baby at 21, we left him at 22 and got a divorce. I knew he was an asshole before I married him, but was stupid enough to think marriage would change him. I learned from this that you can’t change a man if HE doesn’t want to change - and that all my friends who warned me that this would happen DID say ‘Well, you should have listened to us’. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/26 "2004-11-29T06:37:49Z")
I’m so sorry this is happening. Relationships are so frustrating sometimes. And at those times, it does seem as if men and women are from different planets. IMHO? Good men can be very difficult to find. If he’s one of the good ones go the whole 9 yards, no matter what it takes. If he has, beyond the shadow of a doubt proved himself to not be one of the good ones, I don’t know what you could do or say, or even read that would get him to see how important this is. If he’s set on acting single, then there’s likely nothing, no books, no counseling, no nothing that will change him. I’m so sorry, it’s very hard when you still love the person, but they don’t return it. And just saying “I love you” doesn’t do it. As you’re already seeing here, you can be in the same room with a person who doesn’t put you high on the list, and you know it, and are completely alone. And it’s even worse when they aren’t even physically there, but are out with their buddies, or working 90 hour weeks instead. ---
**Author:** ![pervert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@pervert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pervert)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2004, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091/27 "2004-11-29T06:45:23Z")
I’m going to post this dispite some misgivings. In post #18 you suggested that he does spend quite a bit of time helping to take care of your daughter and the home. May I suggest that you actually add up the time you think he spends away from that sort of duty and see if he is really not putting you first? I am not judging, and I am not saying you are wrong. I am only speaking from personal experience. I have a tendency to over dramatize my SO relationship. I get into a funk where I think she is not as committed to “us” as I am. I have found that actually quantifying the thing I am upset about really helps me. Again, I am not saying your situation is the same as mine. I am not saying you are being overly dramatic. Just a thought. Hope it helps. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/where-i-pit-the-father-of-my-child/276091.md?page=1)