Where were you on the night of...

Murdering a hobo. Wait! I demand a do over!

Actually I was just getting back from an 8 hour drive from Gatlinberg. Perhaps it is the ready answer that truely sparks police interest though. Any criminal with a modicum of intelligence but no more will have one ready and think himself clever to appear to mull it over before saying “by jove I was home all evening polishing my bowling ball in anticipation of tournament night but not with hobo blood even though it does make an excellent polish…eh… I’ve heard”.

I love how in cop shows, when the person says they were home alone on the couch, they’re all “Can anyone verify that?”. . . which they can’t, because you were alone. . . and then the cops make suspicious noises, like that tells them something.

I always think, dude, that is what MOST of us are doing on any given weeknight in the evening (+/- a mostly useless spouse/SO “witness”). This thursday, or last thursday, or any other thursday, I was in my house, by myself, watching TV or surfing the net. My husband doesn’t get home until 10PM, so I have no alibi.

I was at home. I’m always at home in the evenings. (A crime between 8 and 10 am might could be me. We early risers, should we decide to commit a crime, would definitely commit it before lunch.) Could I prove it? Probably not, unless it was one of those evenings when I’m in the mood to incessantly post here.

The same thing I do every night, Pinky. Trying to take over the world.

June 9th? At home, bitching about my feet hurting after an all day plod through the Chicago Botanic Gardens. Ask my mom. She listened to me bitch.

The gardens are fantastic at this time of year, Officer. I saw an indigo bunting. Do you know its call is quite a bit slower than that recorded in the audio portion of the book Bird Songs? Come to think of it, I bought that book at the gift shop of the Botanic Gardens, oh what was it, two years ago I believe. Wonderful book, excites my cat to no end. Most amusing. Now really, there is no reason to tase me…OW!!!

Well, I did it, but they’ll never catch me, because I spent a lot of time setting up my very valuable perfect alibi. So not only do I know what I was doing, I can prove it! I have receipts, I have witnesses, I have time-stamps, whatever you need.

I was home watching LeBron James choke away game 5 of the NBA Finals. My wife and kids can vouch for me.

On a Thursday I would have been home alone. I think TiVo tracks what you do. I know they aggregate data anonymously, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they had user specific data that could be subpoenaed, so that might be able to prove that I was in my house watching TV. Checking out my Netflix instant activity, on June 16, I watched 44 minutes and 19 seconds of Xena:Season 1, Episode 3. I’d be willing to bet that Netflix could tell you the exact time I started it at if a court order were involved, but it was likely around 10:00pm.
Beyond that, I’m not sure I have any proof. Neighbors may have saw me in my front yard, but I doubt they’d remember any specific day any better then I would.

DO they???

I was at home. My parents and siblings can confirm that, whatever that’s worth. On June 9th I was watching a DVD with my mum, and on June 16th I was cramming for the cognitive psychology exam I had the next morning.

Your Mother? You expect us to let you off this criminal offence on the word of your dear old Mum? Ha!

I had to run to the ATM because the hitman I hired only took cash. Wait, I mean I was at home knitting.

June 16th? I think I was in the ballroom with Ms Scarlett and a… lead pipe.

I’d be hosed. Usually I’m just home with the dog and he’s not a reliable witness. He’d say whatever the cops wanted for a Beggin’ Strip.

Could you please call my lawyer. I don’t wish to answer any questions before I talk to him.

Checking my way too-detailed journal I find, I was putting away laundry, drinking Newcastle and watching episode 1 of UFO.

You might ask the indigo bunting I talked to then.

I’d be home, and my SO could vouch for me.

Both nights I was at a Muay Thai class, and then at home.