# Where's my butt?!? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [June 21, 2014, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291 "2014-06-21T14:28:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![singular1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@singular1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singular1)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/1 "2014-06-21T14:28:14Z")
I just had stomach surgery, & today was my first BM. Because of my brace, I can’t reach my butt! (huh. They got rid of the embarrassed smiley?). Is there a tool out there that deals with this dilemma? Can I make one out of some sort of utensil? One I can immediately dispose of? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/2 "2014-06-21T14:37:47Z")
[Something like this?](http://www.amazon.com/b/ref=dp_brw_link?ie=UTF8&node=3775731) Maybe a medical supply store or small pharmacy carries these in stock ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/3 "2014-06-21T14:39:04Z")
Well, there’s [this](http://www.totousa.com/WhyTOTO/Innovation/Washlet.aspx), and I think you will find other brand that do much the same, but I don’t know how practical or affordable that sort of thing would be for you. Did no-one at the hospital discuss this issue with you, and prepare you a bit? That’s terrible. [Incidentally, it seems to me the new embarrassed smiley :o is better than ever (unlike the pathetic new rolleyes :rolleyes:).] ---
**Author:** ![singular1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@singular1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singular1)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/4 "2014-06-21T14:51:53Z")
Did no-one at the hospital discuss this issue with you? That’s terrible. [Incidentally, it seems to me the new embarrassed smiley :o is better than ever (unlike the pathetic new rolleyes :rolleyes:).] [/QUOTE] Oh, I thought that was some unknown Melancholy smiley. But now I see it. And yes, no one ever brought it up. Maybe because they were wildly impressed with how well I responded after surgery & how perfectly I chose post-op clothes, they knew this wasn’t my first open gut surgery. But the other one was 14 years & 40 pounds ago, & it wasn’t an issue then. **running coach** , that looks like what I need. I’ll send long-suffering spouse to look at local pharmacy, or just get some of those spongey bottle brushes for 1-time use until Amazon Prime gets one here Wednesday morning. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/5 "2014-06-21T15:13:00Z")
Oh, I see. Before I read the OP I thought you had gone off and left it somewhere. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/6 "2014-06-21T15:23:05Z")
**Where’s my butt?!?** Well don’t look at me, I didn’t take it. I have one of my own which works pretty well. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/7 "2014-06-21T15:46:10Z")
> [@aldiboronti](#): > > **Where’s my butt?!?** > > Well don’t look at me, I didn’t take it. I have one of my own which works pretty well. Really? Cause from here it looks like it’s cracked right up the middle. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/8 "2014-06-21T15:49:47Z")
> [@aldiboronti](#): > > **Where’s my butt?!?** > > Well don’t look at me, I didn’t take it. I have one of my own which works pretty well. If anything it works too well. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/9 "2014-06-21T15:53:43Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > If anything it works too well. 😃 That’s TWO Well. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/10 "2014-06-21T16:10:41Z")
Well, first you need both hands, and a compass. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told. as for your problem, **running coach** already suggested long-handled reachers, as used by those at least temporarily disabled, the elderly, and the extremely obese. ( **njtt** ’s solutiuon is more comprehensive but time-consuming and expensive, and I don’t think you’re in a state to install it yourself. More wipers: [http://www.handicappedequipment.org/tag/wiping-aids/](http://www.handicappedequipment.org/tag/wiping-aids/) [http://www.elderstore.com/freedom-wand-self-wipe-toilet-aid.aspx](http://www.elderstore.com/freedom-wand-self-wipe-toilet-aid.aspx) > **[betterlifehealthcare.com](https://www.betterlifehealthcare.com)** > > Tips Bermain Dengan Gaya Baru [http://www.medicaldepartmentstore.com/Self-Wipe-Toilet-Aid-p/725062000.htm](http://www.medicaldepartmentstore.com/Self-Wipe-Toilet-Aid-p/725062000.htm) Incidentally, the ancient Romans used to use a sponge on a stick. These were kept in the public lavatories, washed, and re-used, which strikes me as a squicky situation. Glad I don’t live in ancient Rome: [https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;\_ylt=A0LEVxIVrqVTPFcAjmhXNyoA;\_ylu=X3oDMTB0OTByYjNvBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDQ1OF8x?\_adv\_prop=image&fr=yfp-t-764&va=ancient+roman+toilet+sponge](https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A0LEVxIVrqVTPFcAjmhXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTB0OTByYjNvBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDQ1OF8x?_adv_prop=image&fr=yfp-t-764&va=ancient+roman+toilet+sponge) [http://www.objectlessons.org/health-and-beauty-romans/sponge-on-stick-ancient-rome-replica/s69/a349/](http://www.objectlessons.org/health-and-beauty-romans/sponge-on-stick-ancient-rome-replica/s69/a349/) ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/11 "2014-06-21T17:33:25Z")
You need a goose: From: Gargantua and Pantagruel, by Francois Rabelais > [@](#): > > I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. Read the whole bawdy story: ttp://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html ---
**Author:** ![PurpleClogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@PurpleClogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleClogs)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/12 "2014-06-21T17:39:57Z")
Gives new meaning to “being goosed” ---
**Author:** ![singular1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@singular1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singular1)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/13 "2014-06-21T20:16:32Z")
I was attacked by a neighbor’s goose once - why didn’t I think of sticking its head up my butt?!? ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/14 "2014-06-21T20:42:22Z")
Isn’t that what the three shells are for? ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/15 "2014-06-21T22:55:21Z")
Those extension wipers cry out for a slangy name. Turd Tongs? ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2014, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/16 "2014-06-21T23:33:26Z")
> [@PurpleClogs](#): > > Gives new meaning to “being goosed” Maybe that was the original meaning. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2026, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/17 "2026-11-14T04:11:01Z")
Wrong thread. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2026, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/18 "2026-11-14T06:28:03Z")
I should hope OP’s problem has been resolved by now! ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2026, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/19 "2026-11-14T09:06:10Z")
Great user name / thread combo! ---
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2026, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291/22 "2026-11-14T14:34:57Z")
Given the age bracket of most Dopers these days, I was expecting dismay over flacid, sagging glutes. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wheres-my-butt/691291.md?page=2)