# Which "Archie" character would you boff? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886 "2001-03-14T02:26:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/1 "2001-03-14T02:26:30Z")
Oh, come on. You’ve thought of it, too. So, inspired by my seeing another thread about Archie comix and my generally sick and twisted nature, here’s the new SDMB game, “If you could nail an Archie character, who’d it be?” If guys are your thing, select one of: **Archie** - Classic All-American kid. Red hair, which drives some people nuts. Owns a car. The girls seems to adore him. **Reggie** - Classic bad boy. Also seems handsome, insofar as you can tell from a comic. Socioeconomic status is unclear. **Jughead** - Goofball, a bit skinny. Has his admirers, though, and with a metablism that seems to be able to burn 10,000 calories a day, you know he can go all night. His real first name is Forsythe, so maybe he’s heir to a fortune. **Moose** - If’n ya like beefcakes, he’s your man. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, though. For those interested in ladies, please select one of: **Veronica** - Rich girl with raven-black hair and a bod that just won’t quit. Mmmmmm. Hard to tell if she’s very passionate or affectionate, though. **Betty** - Blond good girl with a body that just won’t quit. Really sweet, too, but will she be adventurous between the sheets? Your call to make. **Ethel** - Pines after Jughead. Sure appears ugly, but her sex drive must be something else. **Midge** - You never really learned much about her except that Moose loves her and Reggie does, too. Cute short haircut. Has standard “Archie Comix Girl Body” that in real life would cause traffic accidents. ---
**Author:** ![Turbo\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/2 "2001-03-14T02:45:55Z")
Betty, no question. She’s such a nice, sweet girl that she just has to be wild as hell. Even if she isn’t, she seems like the type that is willing to try new things and learn, in the interest of fun. With that butt and how she fills out a sweater, it’s not hard to imagine bending her over the counter in the soda shop and slam… errrr… sorry. Veronica is a babe, but a bitch too. Probably a lot wilder than Betty, but she’s spoiled so she’d expect it to be all about her, which can be fun but gets old after an hour or so. Ethel. What can I say? A Yugo might be the funnest damn car in the world, but I have too much self respect to try it. Midge is a babe too, but she’s out. Moose is a big guy. Never try and boink a big man’s woman. Related topic, I always wanted Mary Ann. Ginger was a pig. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/3 "2001-03-14T02:56:02Z")
Definitely Jughead. What a mastermind - always three steps ahead of Reggie. Sooooo cool!! (What’s that saying about the size of a guy’s nose…? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Eo\_Echo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ebca7d/32.png) [@Eo\_Echo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eo_Echo)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/4 "2001-03-14T03:37:44Z")
Definitely Veronica. I’ve always had a soft spot for bitches. Especially rich ones ;). ---
**Author:** ![Tamex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Tamex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamex)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/5 "2001-03-14T04:03:23Z")
The trouble is that Jughead doesn’t seem to be, well, _ahem_, interested in the opposite sex. He’s not necessarily gay, but he certainly doesn’t seem to be a raving heterosexual. That could cause problems. I am a pretty good cook, though, so perhaps I’d be able to get through to him. 😃 My second choice would be Archie, but it seems that he just can’t decide what he wants. Why isn’t **Sabrina the Teenage Witch** an option? ---
**Author:** ![silent\_rob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@silent\_rob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silent_rob)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/6 "2001-03-14T04:06:36Z")
Betty, definitely. It’s pretty much for the reasons listed above. She’s such a sweet, kind, beautiful girl and she was never treated very well by what’s-his-face. On a related topic Archie and Jughead were lovers. 😃 That’s why he couldn’t choose between Betty and Veronica. Sorry, couldn’t let this topic pass without a quote from _Chasing Amy_. ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/7 "2001-03-14T04:23:10Z")
It’s amazing how you can characterise a guy by his choose between Betty/Veronica or Mary-Ann/Ginger. For me there’s no contest. The girl next door with genuine compassion and emotion wins hands down. Archie was a doofus for not seeing that Betty was close to being the perfect girl. She’s been a longtime fantasy. And Mary-Ann ruled too btw. BTW, anyone ever read the Gen13 issue where Grunge ‘met’ the Archie crew? Man, Betty looked even better… ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/8 "2001-03-14T05:03:50Z")
Well if you’re going to restrict it to one at a time, probably Midge. Or Melody. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/9 "2001-03-14T05:33:15Z")
Moose. As Julie Brown once sang, “I like 'em big and stupid!” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/10 "2001-03-14T13:40:38Z")
Damn, the **Doc** beat me to her. Melody, the drummer chick from _Josie and the Pussycats._ Dumb as a rock, but the artists always gave her a little “extra” in the oooomph department. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/11 "2001-03-14T14:12:59Z")
Mmmm, I’d go for that silver-haired fox, Mr. Lodge (Veronica’s dad). ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/12 "2001-03-14T14:22:01Z")
**OP NOTE{** I left out the Josie and the Pussycats crew and Sabrina because I wanted to restrict it to the regular cast. (Also, it’s unfair to include Sabrina because Melissa Joan Hart is evil.) Otherwise we’ll end up with someone nominating Rogue or Lois Lane before long. Write-ins for Mr. Lodge, Mr. Weatherbee, Miss Grundy, Dilton, or any of the standard Riverdale bunch are okay. Mmmm… Miss Grundy… ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/13 "2001-03-14T14:46:51Z")
**Moose** Blonde, muscled, and lovably dim, just the way I like 'em. I might make **Reggie** my boy, too. He looks like he has a nice body, and with that attitude you know he’s ripe to learn submission. ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/14 "2001-03-14T15:00:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eve \* > \*\*Mmmm, I’d go for that silver-haired fox, Mr. Lodge (Veronica’s dad). \*\* [Hiram Lodge, father of Veronica](http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/616/archies/mrridge1.jpg) and [Cesar Romero as the Joker](http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/7537/joker.jpg) – separated at birth? ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/15 "2001-03-14T15:10:02Z")
About ten years ago there was actually a made for TV Archie movie that featured Betty and Veronica battling over our hero. At one point Betty (in the movie, as in the comic, she was the good girl) said “I want to be bad, Archie. Teach me how to be bad.” Works for me. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/16 "2001-03-14T15:22:17Z")
Oh my god. I will venture to say that no one on this board loves Archie Comics more than I do. I’ve collected them for ages. I would bang Archie Andrews very very hard. I would put that little momma’s boy in the hospital. He’s relatively smart, but not TOO smart; he plays baseball, football, basketball, soccer, is on the swim team, is a lifeguard, a diver, a horseback rider and an accomplished skier and guitar player. What the hell else do you want in a man? But Moose would also be fun, because you know he could throw ya around a little bit, get with the rough stuff. It’s a hard decision, but I’m going with Archie. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/17 "2001-03-14T15:24:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > **I wanted to restrict it to the regular cast** Oh, all right. Betty’s just too darn white-bread for me, with that ponytail and everything. Veronica, I’d like to take her in hand like the proud, high-spirited young animal she is, and break her to my will. I’d have her bringing me sherry in a French Maid outfit within two weeks. On the other hand, I’d take any of those anonymous young ladies walking around in the backgrounds in any of the Riverdale High panels that feature the Main Cast in the foreground. They’re all shapely and gorgeous (the artists are practicing their Good Girl Art), and nobody knows where they live or what their names are, so I could lure one down to my cellar and keep her chained up naked. “What Cartoon Character Would You Boink” threads. They’re like salted peanuts. I know I shouldn’t indulge, but it’s too hard to resist. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/18 "2001-03-14T15:44:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ukulele Ike \* > > and nobody knows where they live or what their names are, so I could lure one down to my cellar and keep her chained up naked. UKULELE! Your ideas intrigue me! And I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/19 "2001-03-14T16:44:48Z")
I’ve gotta go with **Midge**. I live for danger. Plus Midge seems to be deficient in the self-esteem department, in a really sweet sort of way. I’d love to help her with that. I just hope Big Moose doesn’t catch us sharing a malt down at Pop’s Chok’lit Shop. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886/20 "2001-03-14T16:50:06Z")
Hmmm, **jarbabyj** , perhaps you and I could work together. If you could just keep Moose occupied for a little while… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-archie-character-would-you-boff/57886.md?page=2)