# Which Doper would you take to the Oscars? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 3, 2004, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201 "2004-03-03T00:51:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/1 "2004-03-03T00:51:00Z")
Okay. Let’s dream. Let’s say you scored yourself two tickets to the Oscars. You get the limo, the fine clothes, the “accessories” - but only for the night. So you’re walking down that red carpet, trying desperately to avoid eye contact with Joan Rivers and her babbling offspring. Who is on your arm? Who would be your escort, your date? Would you bring your mom? Your dad? Some distant relative to whom you’ve been recently wed? Or would you bring your spouse? Significant other? Okay, now what if you have no close friends or family? Think, think. There must be someone you can take. Let’s look at some possible criteria: 1. Must look good all dressied up. Male has to look smashing in a tux, female has to look elegant in a dress. 2. Must be personable - you don’t want the paparazzi thinking you’re a dud! You want to project, project, project. Smile! 3. Must have the right attitude. You want someone who’s happy to be there, right? Who’s gonna have fun? Now let’s limit your potential companion to someone on the SDMB. Who would it be? I choose **OpalCat**. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/2 "2004-03-03T00:55:02Z")
I would see to it that Charlize Theron was introduced to The Straight Dope … 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/3 "2004-03-03T00:55:51Z")
I think **Bear\_Nenno** would make pretty good arm candy. Am I going because I’m famous? If I’m well-known, I’d go with a man just to confuse reporters. Maybe **Bosda**. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/4 "2004-03-03T01:23:50Z")
**Eve** , of course. Mods – go ahead and close the thread. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/5 "2004-03-03T01:25:16Z")
Is there any question? **Eve** of course! Just think of the dish! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/6 "2004-03-03T02:06:36Z")
Ooooh, I’m on the arms of _two_ handsome escorts! I’ll wear my ice-blue satin Dior for **Otto** , and the burgundy bias-cut velvet Vionnet for **Twickster**. Jewels borrowed from Harry Winston, of course. Hair in a French chignon, and glaring-through lorgnette by Dumont’s of Hollywood. ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/7 "2004-03-03T02:22:32Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Ooooh, I’m on the arms of _two_ handsome escorts! I’ll wear my ice-blue satin Dior for **Otto** , and the burgundy bias-cut velvet Vionnet for **Twickster**. Jewels borrowed from Harry Winston, of course. Hair in a French chignon, and glaring-through lorgnette by Dumont’s of Hollywood. _Three_ handsome escorts. **lissener** comes two, but we’ll dispense with the clasping of arms. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/8 "2004-03-03T02:24:31Z")
> [@Ilsa\_Lund](#): > > _Three_ handsome escorts. **lissener** comes two, but we’ll dispense with the clasping of arms. 😉 Comes _too_, of course. Would make two, though. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/9 "2004-03-03T02:24:47Z")
🙂 Well, I certainly can’t and won’t disagree with the choice of **Eve**. I made my choice based on the fact that I’ve already met Opal, and I’m sure we’d have a grand time. ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/10 "2004-03-03T02:35:58Z")
**SofaKing** , definitely. But, we’d have to fight it out to determine who gets to dress up like Sacheen Littlefeather! > **[Sacheen Littlefeather - IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0514693/)** > > Sacheen Littlefeather, Actress: Johnny Firecloud. Sacheen Littlefeather was born on November 14, 1946 in Salinas, California, USA as Maria Cruz. She is an actress, known for Johnny Firecloud (1975), The Trial of Billy Jack (1974) and Winterhawk... ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/11 "2004-03-03T03:04:29Z")
Now, ask yourselves which Doper you’d take to the _Tonys_ (the most dignified of awards ceremonies). Me, of course, future breakout Broadway composer and _enfant terrible_. And big fag. ---
**Author:** ![UnwrittenNocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/6de8d8/32.png) [@UnwrittenNocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UnwrittenNocturne)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/12 "2004-03-03T03:08:00Z")
I think we know my answer to this ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/13 "2004-03-03T04:34:10Z")
Can **Cervaise** and I tag along with the Golden party? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/14 "2004-03-03T05:48:04Z")
I was actually thinking, while watching part of the Academy Awards for the first time in many years, “Wouldn’t it be great to watch this in an intimate setting with **Eve** and maybe a couple of others, sipping sophisticated jokes and cracking wise?” Then I saw another thread in which she avows she doesn’t watch anymore. And now I see I am too late in claiming her for my own. Drat it all! In my defense I’m sure I look stunning in black tie. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/15 "2004-03-03T05:50:23Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > I was actually thinking, while watching part of the Academy Awards for the first time in many years, “Wouldn’t it be great to watch this in an intimate setting with **Eve** and maybe a couple of others, sipping sophisticated jokes and cracking wise?” D’oh! I swear occifer, I didn’t have anything to drink. Now to get **Eve** out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini. It’s all about Eve ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/16 "2004-03-03T05:53:28Z")
I’d take **NoClueBoy** for an unforgettable evening o’ Viva. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/17 "2004-03-03T13:37:14Z")
Not that anyone would want to, but I’d be very much pleased NOT to be asked. I can’t sit through the damn things on TV without a remote - I’d probably start spraying a hail of bullets around if I had to endure the whole thing in person. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/18 "2004-03-03T16:14:38Z")
Not that we have to pair off as though we’re boarding the ark, but I’m female, and always looking for an opportunity to wear a tiara – so, whaddya say, **Eve** , how 'bout we double date with **Otto** and **Ilsa\_Lund**? **Governor Quinn** and **Cervaise** can get their own damn limo. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/19 "2004-03-03T17:14:18Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Not that we have to pair off as though we’re boarding the ark, but I’m female . . . Ah. OK, I’ll wear my white Palm Beach tux and we can come as Melissa Etheridge and whatshername from _Popular_ she’s dating. ---
**Author:** ![Aries28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Aries28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aries28)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2004, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201/20 "2004-03-03T17:19:22Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Ah. OK, I’ll wear my white Palm Beach tux and we can come as Melissa Etheridge and whatshername from _Popular_ she’s dating. I think her name is Tammy Lynn Michaels or something like that and they are no longer dating…they had a ceremony and consider themselves married now. The picture I saw was actually very flattering of both of them. Nice looking couple. 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-doper-would-you-take-to-the-oscars/232201.md?page=2)