# Which event would you choose in this family situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006 "2011-05-24T13:14:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/21 "2011-05-24T14:04:01Z")
Kids are welcome, and it’s the bride and groom’s first wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/22 "2011-05-24T14:05:21Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Kids are welcome, and it’s the bride and groom’s first wedding. Which makes it even more incomprehensible that your sister is being so childish about this. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/23 "2011-05-24T14:08:09Z")
Go to the wedding. Send a dozen roses to the dance recital along with a note explaining your absence. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/24 "2011-05-24T14:40:57Z")
Wedding ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/25 "2011-05-24T14:43:01Z")
Go to the wedding, and have the three year old give you a “private, exclusive dance recital” with some of her dance mates. Take them out for pizza afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/26 "2011-05-24T14:47:32Z")
MsWhatsit, is this your sister? > [@Raginghormonal](#): > > Having said that, I’d probably opt for the dance recital. I assume nephew is old enough to understand how important it is for the 3 year old. > [@MsWhatsit](#): > > I think I am quietly disengaging from the whole thing at this point. My mom and sister are just going to have to duke it out. I’m sort of glad I’m not involved this time How did you get out of making a decision? Are you not attending either event? ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/27 "2011-05-24T14:48:30Z")
Wedding. I think you should also print out this thread and give it to your sister. Explain to her that you wanted a totally non-biased opinion. Maybe she will lighten up. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/28 "2011-05-24T14:50:13Z")
The sister is nuts. The three year old isn’t even going to remember the dance recital, much less who was there. How much do you remember from when you were three? Go to the wedding. And tell sister to grow up or fuck off. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/29 "2011-05-24T14:54:00Z")
> [@Raginghormonal](#): > > I assume nephew is old enough to understand how important it is for the 3 year old. About as important as watching cartoons on a Saturday morning. This piece of business is all about the sister. “Yeah, so he wins. Surprise.” There’s a ton of subtext there. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/30 "2011-05-24T14:59:37Z")
SRLSY wedding. Sounds like the sister has discovered that she has cover for making everything about herself by way of “just think of the CHILDREN!” ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/31 "2011-05-24T15:00:53Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > How did you get out of making a decision? Are you not attending either event? I’m going to the wedding. For all I know, my sister is enraged about that too and just not telling me. But I think she attaches more importance to my mom being there, as the grandparent. ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/32 "2011-05-24T15:05:10Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > This piece of business is all about the sister. “Yeah, so he wins. Surprise.” There’s a ton of subtext there. This. I voted wedding. Seriously, 3-year-old is not going to remember this at all, but she may remember the many times her mother threw tantrums. And follow in her footsteps. ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/33 "2011-05-24T15:08:35Z")
Wedding. I’ve been to more than my fair share of dance recitals and find them excruciating. Weddings only slightly less so. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/34 "2011-05-24T15:11:44Z")
> [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](#): > > This. > > I voted wedding. Seriously, 3-year-old is not going to remember this at all, but she may remember the many times her mother threw tantrums. And follow in her footsteps. Can I hear an “amen?” ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/35 "2011-05-24T15:13:28Z")
For millennia, the societal/cultural norm (in quite a range of societies and cultures) has been that births, weddings, and funerals are the milestone events of people’s lives. Grandmother is not choosing her nephew over her grandchild, she is choosing a wedding over a dance recital, and for good reason. It would behoove your sister to embrace and accept this viewpoint, otherwise her life will be filled with stress and acrimony, for no good reason. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/36 "2011-05-24T15:19:03Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > It would behoove your sister to embrace and accept this viewpoint, otherwise her life will be filled with stress and acrimony, for no good reason. You have no idea how sadly accurate this is. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/37 "2011-05-24T15:19:08Z")
Ask your sister how she will feel if family members choose a dance recital or school play or something over her daughter’s wedding someday. Maybe that will help her put it in some perspective. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/38 "2011-05-24T15:25:47Z")
I’d personally rather go to the dance recital, having just attended our four year old’s first such event. But that being said, the child will never remember who was or wasn’t there (if they even remember the event at all) and as someone else said, she’ll have other recitals. Your nephew will always remember that you weren’t at the wedding. How about feigning illness and missing both? ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/39 "2011-05-24T15:41:58Z")
My vote is the wedding, not just because it is bigger but because what 3 year old will remember _her own_ dance recital in 20 years? **pbbth** also nailed it. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/40 "2011-05-24T15:45:45Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > But that being said, the child will never remember who was or wasn’t there (if they even remember the event at all) People keep saying similar things, however: > [@kayaker](#): > > Go to the wedding. Send a dozen roses to the dance recital along with a note explaining your absence. My suggestion was based on experience. My daughter’s very first ballet recital was one I could not attend. I sent a dozen long stem roses. Although I attended many more recitals (tap, jazz, etc) over the years, she has memories of the roses and tells the story often. She was the only dancer who got flowers. The next recital parents got a note asking that nobody bring/send flowers, as parents unable to afford them had complained.:rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006.md?page=3)