# Which event would you choose in this family situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006 "2011-05-24T13:14:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/101 "2011-05-26T17:24:11Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Probably so. I question, however, whether a 3 year old is old enough to understand that. Or even what a wedding really _is_, beyond a bunch of people getting dressed up and putting on a performance. And it’s the 3yo, not the 5yo, whose recital is getting skipped. That’s why I feel bad for the kid–it seems unfortunately likely to me that the message she’s going to take away from this is that her sister’s opportunity to get dressed up and put on a performance matters, and her cousin’s chance to get dressed up and put on a performance matters, but _her_chance to get dressed up and put on a performance is utterly trivial…and by extension her sister and cousin matter to Grandma, and she doesn’t. That’s some pretty harsh shit for a little kid. That does sound harsh, but you should understand that you just constructed that entire scenario out of your own head. I happen to know this 3-year-old, since she’s my niece and all. She has no idea that Grandma even went to her cousin’s recital, nor that her cousin even had a recital. She has her other set of grandparents coming to her own recital, and in my opinion is unlikely to even notice that the other grandma didn’t show up. She is 3. I have a 3-year-old myself (OK, he turned 4 this week, but he was 3 until recently) and am familiar with my niece, and I can tell you and a lot of other people in this thread that you are attributing maturity and sophistication to this kid that simply do not exist. She is not going to be heartbroken that Grandma isn’t there. She is not going to hate her sister for being the favored child. It is very, very likely that she will not even notice the difference. To speak up in my sister’s defense somewhat, by the way, since the tone of the comments is shifting towards what a hateful bitch she must be, I will say that this is _somewhat_ uncharacteristic for her. I mean, we have our share of issues in this family and she’s not a saint, but neither am I and neither is our mom. My surprise at her reaction to this dance recital thing is what made me think, “Maybe I’m in the wrong here” and post it as a poll on the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/102 "2011-05-26T17:49:11Z")
And, while it’s somewhat off topic, can I get on my soap box and opine that it’s not really all that healthy for a kid to have never-ending parental (and grandparental) attention anyway? I know parents who have NEVER missed one of their child’s soccer games, from the lollipop league on up. Hell, my SIL got into fights with her friends because they were trying to nail down a mutually agreeable date for a couple’s night out and she dismissed Tuesday nights as an option because she didn’t want to miss her daughter’s soccer PRACTICE. Dear friends of ours were invited to vacation with us in Hawaii for free and turned it down because they’d miss a junior high baseball game. It’s crazy. These kids grow up with constant attention and praise. I wonder what’s going to happen to them when the applause stops? I half expect some of these parents to move into the dorm with their kids so that they can attend their intramural frisbee matches. I mean, geez, people, can we find some sort of balance between indifference and hyper-attention? ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/103 "2011-05-26T19:30:36Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > . . . I half expect some of these parents to move into the dorm with their kids so that they can attend their intramural frisbee matches. . . I can say in my case that it’s specifically because I know how short childhood really is in the scheme of things that I don’t miss out on Celtling’s activities. I had 38 years to go to the movies with friends before she came along, and I hope to have another 38 after she goes off to live her own life. There are a very few short years in which I get to be a Mom, and that is what I _want_ to do with my time. If Celtling were coming to Hawaii then we’d miss the game and go. But if she were to remain home I’d rather watch her play. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/104 "2011-05-26T19:51:08Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I can say in my case that it’s specifically because I know how short childhood really is in the scheme of things that I don’t miss out on Celtling’s activities. I had 38 years to go to the movies with friends before she came along, and I hope to have another 38 after she goes off to live her own life. Ugh. Why do some people always have to make this into an either/or thing? I have a perfectly active social life, and I do lots of things with my kids, and neither one of them always trumps the other. For a baseball _practice_? I would skip that to get my nails done. If I got my nails done, which I don’t, but still. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/105 "2011-05-26T20:08:15Z")
Meh. We like getting our nails done together. And I can go to Hawaii when she’s in college. Hell, I’ll probably still invite her to come along though. . . ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/106 "2011-05-26T21:32:14Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > She has her other set of grandparents coming to her own recital, and in my opinion is unlikely to even notice that the other grandma didn’t show up.\ I would wonder if part of it is your sister having to explain to the other set of grandparents where her own mother is scampering off to. For whatever reason some people find it embarrassing to say “My mom/parents are busy doing something else and I’m perfectly fine with that.” WAG. I don’t have kids. I do have in-laws. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/107 "2011-05-26T22:55:15Z")
I’m having a hard time being objective about this because my own personal situation was so different. While I was very close emotionally to my grandparents, they lived at least 8 hours away. Hence, they only rarely came to my recitals, sporting events, etc. It really only happened when they were in town anyway. However, they did make it to weddings of nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. So, to me, weddings seem like a much bigger deal than a recital. Even though I’m trying very hard to understand the viewpoint of the OP’s sister, I’m really struggling. Throwing down the gauntlet of “choose me or your nephew” seems so very silly over something like this. For crying out loud, your mother may not want to go to either one and is only going out of family obligation. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/108 "2011-05-27T07:04:16Z")
Another person echoing that a 3-year-old is not going to remember who did/did not come to a recital, and that the nephew WILL remember who did/did not attend his wedding. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/109 "2011-07-07T05:59:33Z")
Now I’m curious - how did it all work out? Did your mom go to the wedding? Did your sister throw a giant snitfit? ---
**Author:** ![DragonAsh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DragonAsh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DragonAsh)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/110 "2011-07-07T08:26:13Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Ask your sister how she will feel if family members choose a dance recital or school play or something over her daughter’s wedding someday. Maybe that will help her put it in some perspective. QFT. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/111 "2011-07-07T15:52:18Z")
> [@ENugent](#): > > Now I’m curious - how did it all work out? Did your mom go to the wedding? Did your sister throw a giant snitfit? Well, Mom went to the wedding instead of the recital, and my sister seems to have taken this as further evidence that she is an unloved and unwanted child and that her grandchildren are second-class citizens in the family. Although my mom and sister are on speaking terms again, I wouldn’t classify the relationship as “friendly”. But then, as you may have guessed already, this relationship wasn’t really on great terms to start with. Family. Can’t live with 'em. Can’t put 'em through the wood chipper. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/112 "2011-07-08T01:48:17Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Wow, I’m in stunned by these responses. _Upstaging the bride?_ Because a child does a 5 minute dance? _Cringeworthy?_ Children dancing at a wedding? :rolleyes: I would be honored if someone wanted to dance or sing at my wedding. And with little kids, they don’t even need talent, ‘cause they’re just utterly cute. It’s also not Grandma’s place to invite additional guests to the wedding, and to even suggest puts the bride and groom on the spot. That’s incredibly rude. I’m glad everything worked out, **MsWhatsit**. (Personally, if I were three-years-old, I would’ve wanted to skip my own recital and go to the wedding!) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/113 "2011-07-08T03:43:48Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Well, Mom went to the wedding instead of the recital, and my sister seems to have taken this as further evidence that she is an unloved and unwanted child and that her grandchildren are second-class citizens in the family. Although my mom and sister are on speaking terms again, I wouldn’t classify the relationship as “friendly”. But then, as you may have guessed already, this relationship wasn’t really on great terms to start with. > > Family. Can’t live with 'em. Can’t put 'em through the wood chipper. Well, you CAN put them through the wood chipper - but it makes _such_ a mess and you end up in jail… ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/114 "2011-07-08T04:18:51Z")
Your sister is nuts. Wedding. No contest. Dance recitals at age 3 aren’t for the kids, they’re for the stage mothers. Mr. Panda, surprisingly, says dance recital, because the 3 year old is more closely related than the nephew, to which I say “so what?” He’s trippin’. But thereya go. ---
**Author:** ![ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a8b319/32.png) [@ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ryan)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/115 "2011-07-08T12:42:54Z")
We get to choose our friends. Our families are rudely thrust upon us at birth. (I voted wedding, even though I hate going to them as well, and I’m currently in a bit of trouble for ditching plans to go to a buddies wedding…) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006.md?page=5)