# Which is proper? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [May 29, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311 "2003-05-29T17:13:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![KnK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/edb3f5/32.png) [@KnK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KnK)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/1 "2003-05-29T17:13:29Z")
A question about grammar… So I’m in conversation with a co-worker. The topic of children comes up. He does not know my wife or kids. Do I: 1. Refer to my children as “my” children - or - 1. Refer to my children as “our” children Seems to me that “our” would imply that he is aquainted with my wife, and more personable. Which way would be proper? KnK ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/2 "2003-05-29T17:17:25Z")
Either way is gramatically correct. I would use “my children” if my spouse were not present or was not part of the discussion and “our children” if so. ---
**Author:** ![KnK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/edb3f5/32.png) [@KnK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KnK)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/3 "2003-05-29T18:14:51Z")
So the variable then is whether or not my wife is present rather than if the other person knows her? Thanks for the reply… KnK ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/4 "2003-05-29T18:18:27Z")
Not necessarily present. If you’re just talking about your wife, it would be reasonable to use “our”, since it’s clear about to whom you are referring. The important thing in using pronouns is to be clear about to which person they are refrring. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/5 "2003-05-29T18:45:29Z")
Personally, **KnK** , I would use “our” if the other person is acquainted with my wife. If the other person is not acquainted with her, I would use “my.” ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/6 "2003-05-29T19:03:51Z")
I would use “our” if I had just recently mentioned my wife. “My wife and I went to the store yesterday. Our kids wanted ice cream,” sounds a lot better than “My wife and I went to the store yesterday. My kids wanted ice cream.” ---
**Author:** ![pasunejen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58956e/32.png) [@pasunejen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pasunejen)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/7 "2003-05-29T21:56:14Z")
NB: this isn’t so much an issue of grammar, per se, as one of sociolinguistic factors… That being said, I agree with everyone else that “our” is appropriate first of all only if 1) the coworker has met/heard of your wife _and_ it is clear from the context of the conversation that she’s in some way involved in what’s being said or 2) the coworker is a family friend who is used to encountering you as a couple. In fact, in this situation I’d say it’s pretty much necessary to use “our.” Other than that, “my” is fine. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/8 "2003-05-29T23:15:14Z")
Another factor is the behavior of the children. My daughter got an A in math. Her son got caught stealing Hustler in the drugstore. Our daughter learned a bad word from your daughter. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/9 "2003-05-29T23:28:46Z")
“Hey, Bob, that’s a nice shirt you have there. I’d like to get our children shirts like that one.” Yeah, sounds a little weird. ---
**Author:** ![Hern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hern)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/10 "2003-05-30T12:46:12Z")
I don’t believe that the answer hinges on whether the listener knows your better half or not so much as whether you mention her. For example: “I don’t let our children stay up later than ten” would be better as “I don’t let my children stay up later than ten” unless it was implict from previous conversation that your wife was in the picture. On the other hand: “My wife and I like to treat my children on their birthdays” would be out of place unless the children weren’t the fruits of your wife’s loins. You’d generally be better saying “My wife and I like to treat our children…” In short, I believe the possessive pronoun used should match the subject of the sentence. I’m not an expert though - just a pedant. ---
**Author:** ![pasunejen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58956e/32.png) [@pasunejen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pasunejen)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-is-proper/178311/11 "2003-05-30T13:32:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hern \* > \*\* > > In short, I believe the possessive pronoun used should match the subject of the sentence. I’m not an expert though - just a pedant. \*\* There are also instances, though, in which the kids would be the subject of the sentence, and in that case there’s a lot of ambiguity.