# Which LAW & ORDER characterswould you be willing to hire? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 18, 2016, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211 "2016-07-18T14:06:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/1 "2016-07-18T14:06:20Z")
Contrariwise, which would you absolutely refuse to hire? Take it as a given that we’re talking about hiring the characters for their professions on the show(s). I don’t see any need to discuss anyone’s desire to see Abby Carmichael in a swimsuit. Feel free to talk about whichever entry in the franchise – Original, SVU, UK, etc – floats your boat. Personally I’m only interested in the JACK & ANITA PROGRAMME, but I am not the boss of you. Answering my own question: I think I’d be happy to have Abby Carmichae as a prosecutor; hopefully by this time in her career she’d be management. But, to my surprise, I would not hire Claire Kincaid (even if she weren’t dead). She had too long a history of sleeping with her bosses. I don’t think she was trying to fuck her way to the top, but doing it twice seems to indicate some unresolved daddy issues. Anybody else? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/2 "2016-07-18T14:10:28Z")
Jack McCoy is my ideal prosecutor. Hell, I’d hire him to just stand around and make outraged, impassioned speeches about things. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/3 "2016-07-18T14:13:55Z")
Dr. Emil Skoda would be my first, last and only choice if I ever needed a psychiatrist for myself or for anyone else. No touchy-feely stuff for me - I want a shrink who doesn’t have time for your shit. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/4 "2016-07-18T14:14:54Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > Jack McCoy is my ideal prosecutor. Hell, I’d hire him to just stand around and make outraged, impassioned speeches about things. I’d have to have a serious talk with Jack about dipping his pen in th city ink. Early Jack is the inverse of Claire in that regard, and he was operting from a position of power in a way she was not. > [@Alessan](#): > > Dr. Emil Skoda would be my first, last and only choice if I ever needed a psychiatrist for myself or for anyone else. No touchy-feely stuff for me - I want a shrink who doesn’t have time for your shit. We never see Skoda doing therapy on the show: only trying to determine someone’s fitness to stand trial and related legal issues. He seems to be better at that thatn Oliviet was, but she may be a better healer. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/5 "2016-07-18T14:18:56Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Dr. Emil Skoda would be my first, last and only choice if I ever needed a psychiatrist for myself or for anyone else. No touchy-feely stuff for me - I want a shrink who doesn’t have time for your shit. “Maybe we should chug on over to namby pamby land and maybe we can find some self confidence for you – you jack wagon!” ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/6 "2016-07-18T14:51:12Z")
Jack was my choice for prosecutor until Rafael Barba came along. I love him. He’s like Jack McCoy with filed-down sharper edges… maybe a \*cubist \*Jack McCoy… \ He’s clever and a little devious, and when he makes a decision he acts swiftly and decisively. I’d want Fin to be my bodyguard and personal assistant. I’d never worry if he was looking out for me. You could dress him up and take him anywhere and also walk down the darkest alley and not fear. ETA: We haven’t had a Law & Order thread in a long time. Glad to see this one. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/7 "2016-07-18T15:36:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > We never see Skoda doing therapy on the show: only trying to determine someone’s fitness to stand trial and related legal issues. He seems to be better at that thatn Oliviet was, but she may be a better healer. We did see it. It was called _Whiplash_ and he won the Oscar for it. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/8 "2016-07-18T15:38:37Z")
As detectives I would take any combination of Briscoe, Green and Logan. Bobby Goren should have been out on a psych pension long ago. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/9 "2016-07-18T15:43:42Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > We did see it. It was called _Whiplash_ and he won the Oscar for it. By that logic we’ve seen Jack McCoy work as a civil rights lawyer in the 60s… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/10 "2016-07-18T15:48:33Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > As detectives I would take any combination of Briscoe, Green and Logan. Bobby Goren should have been out on a psych pension long ago. Late series Bobbby, maybe. Until about season 5 he was 10 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag. My favorite Goren moment is from the first CI ep I ever saw, in which he not only manipulated a defendent into confessing to a murder that he could not not otherwise have been convicted of, but got the guy to _thank him for sending him to prison._ I hated that the producers felt the need to make Goren mentally unstable rather than tactically weird. The only thing Goren from the first season and the last half in common is that they’d both die for Eames. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/11 "2016-07-18T16:10:48Z")
AADA’s Claire - don’t trust her sleeping with the bosses Abby - too “hang 'em high”. She has no sense of restraint, nothing other than full throttle. Serena - too kiss ass, not exactly competent Jaime, Borgia - OK I guess Connie - too pretty! Too distracting I vote for Robinette. ADA McCoy - OK, but sometimes he goes too far I pick Stone. Better at keeping things in check, plus the way he can turn the word “sir” into a biting insult is amazing. Detectives Fontana - hell no! He should be arrested for being on the take Green - good as a second but not as the lead detective DBQ, Greevey, Cerreta, Falco et al - eh, OK Mothership - Lenny, CI - a surprise vote for Bishop. I thought she was a Goren-in-training and had a lot of potential. Bobby’s skills without his baggage. SUV - the only one I can stand is Finn. I’d fire the rest in a heartbeat, especially Stabler, he should be in prison. (maybe I’d hire detective Mayhem. he was OK I guess) As for Olivet’s ability as a therapist, don’t forget she slept with Logan during/after their therapy sessions, (maybe because of her position of power in the relationship, we should give her the title “the/rapist”?) plus her incredibly stupid actions in trying to get evidence against the rapist doctor by putting herself in a situation where not only was she raped by him, but actually succeeded in giving the impression she was asking for it! That’s an incredibly amazingly bad plan! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/12 "2016-07-18T16:24:48Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > AADA’s > Claire - don’t trust her sleeping with the bosses > Abby - too “hang 'em high”. She has no sense of restraint, nothing other than full throttle. > Serena - too kiss ass, not exactly competent > Jaime, Borgia - OK I guess > Connie - too pretty! Too distracting > > I vote for Robinette. > > ADA > McCoy - OK, but sometimes he goes too far > > I pick Stone. Better at keeping things in check, plus the way he can turn the word “sir” into a biting insult is amazing. > Detectives > Fontana - hell no! He should be arrested for being on the take > Green - good as a second but not as the lead detective > DBQ, Greevey, Cerreta, Falco et al - eh, OK > > Mothership - Lenny, > CI - a surprise vote for Bishop. I thought she was a Goren-in-training and had a lot of potential. Bobby’s skills without his baggage. > SUV - the only one I can stand is Finn. I’d fire the rest in a heartbeat, especially Stabler, he should be in prison. (maybe I’d hire detective Mayhem. he was OK I guess) > > As for Olivet’s ability as a therapist, don’t forget she slept with Logan during/after their therapy sessions, (maybe because of her position of power in the relationship, we should give her the title “the/rapist”?) plus her incredibly stupid actions in trying to get evidence against the rapist doctor by putting herself in a situation where not only was she raped by him, but actually succeeded in giving the impression she was asking for it! That’s an incredibly amazingly bad plan! Olivet slept with Logan years after their professional relationship. And that was very brief; she was assigned to evaluate him after Greevey was murdered. I don’t think it was a professional breach, but I’ll leave it to actual mental health professionals to make that judgment. I would definitely hire Robinette as a defense attorney. By the McCoy years, it was pretty clear that he woudn’t take a job as a prosecutor if offered one. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/13 "2016-07-18T16:25:09Z")
Abbie Carmichael, I don’t run a firm, but she could sit around, drinking coffee and read to me the sites I am surfing on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/14 "2016-07-18T16:32:59Z")
Oh, and Fontana wasn’t in the take. He dressed well and lived large because he had family money. He simply didn’t care that it gave some people pause, because he had no aspirations to management and he knew he could prove the provenance of his income. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/15 "2016-07-18T16:54:58Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Oh, and Fontana wasn’t in the take. He dressed well and lived large because he had family money. He simply didn’t care that it gave some people pause, because he had no aspirations to management and he knew he could prove the provenance of his income. While i suspect that was true, was it ever canon? OK, I’ll revise my objections. Fontana was an asshole. I’d vote him “most likely to beat a confession out of someone, (guilty or not)”. And I’m not confusing Dennis Farina bashing a phone upside Gene Hackman’s head in Get Shorty, but to me that is Fontana anyway!🙂 His whole “we’re authorized” schtick got old the first time he used it. Wonder how that went over in court. And he accused Anita of being a namby-pamby the first time he met her, without any facts. Not a good trait for a detective. At least he felt bad about wrongly accusing “Jon-Benet’s” dad of murder. I hope he feels bad for the rest of his life. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/16 "2016-07-18T17:10:42Z")
Don’t forget the Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers, who was secretly the best character on the show! (also, the longest running character) ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/17 "2016-07-18T17:13:05Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > … I’d vote him “most likely to beat a confession out of someone, (guilty or not)”. And I’m not confusing Dennis Farina bashing a phone upside Gene Hackman’s head in Get Shorty, but to me that is Fontana anyway!🙂 … Dunno if you’d call it beating, but he held a guy’s head under water in a toilet and then put a gun to his head to get info about a kidnapping victim. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/18 "2016-07-18T17:14:38Z")
I’d hire Lenny and only Lenny, so long as I didn’t need a detective to actually chase someone down and capture them. ---
**Author:** ![Sherrerd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sherrerd/32/8_2.png) [@Sherrerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sherrerd)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/19 "2016-07-18T17:20:36Z")
I’d hire Briscoe in any capacity–just for the one-liners. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2016, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211/20 "2016-07-18T17:21:33Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Dunno if you’d call it beating, but he held a guy’s head under water in a toilet and then put a gun to his head to get info about a kidnapping victim. I’d forgotten that one! I also “liked” how he threatened grievous bodily harm on a wall street lawyer that wouldn’t give up a DNA sample. The lawyer just laughed. Farina can really play the mean SOB well. Fontana probably thought Amadou Diallo got what he deserved. He probably got the plunger they used on Abner Louima. Danny Reagan and Elliot Stabler think Fontana is a loose cannon. Can you guess I don’t like Fontana? I try to skip Fontana episodes in syndication. Once was enough. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-law-order-characterswould-you-be-willing-to-hire/760211.md?page=2)