# Which of these acts of infidelity would you find easiest to forgive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 15, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339 "2010-06-15T19:27:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/41 "2010-06-16T20:24:02Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I have no issue at all with the supposed “emotional infidelity”. It would be both foolish and selfish of me to assume that my spouse can only share her hopes, dreams, fears and regrets with just me. The only point it would be an issue is if she ONLY shared those things with another person and refused to discuss them with me. See, I used to think this, until I actually went through it. That’s the problem with it, though. By the time it’s to the point you can consider it an “emotional affair”, it means she is NOT talking to you about anything, instead taking it all to the other person. I had no clue there was anything wrong with my marriage, because instead of telling me there was any sort of problem, she took it all to this other guy. Everything. Until one day she just decided that was that, told me the problems had been going on too long and couldn’t be fixed. When I asked her “what problems?” she admitted she hadn’t told me about them, instead confiding in him. The funny part of it is, I had encouraged her to confide in other people, as I didn’t want to be her sole emotional anchor, feeling that wasn’t healthy. She just went too far with it. But because of that, I can’t say that a true emotional affair is easy to forgive and instead vote either cybersex or phonesex. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/42 "2010-06-16T23:37:10Z")
I can’t believe you guys would rather your spouse NOT tell you. I’d want to know. So that I could break up with the suspicious article. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/43 "2010-06-17T00:04:53Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > And how will her confessing make things better? All it’ll do is make me misearble and undemine the trust at the basis of our relationship. Frankly, I’d rather not know. If she feels bad about what she did, the proper thing to do is not to do it again, and then to act to improve our relationship - together with me, of course. If she’s not happy with me she should tell me she’s not happy; she doesn’t have to tell me what being not happy led her to do. That won’t help matters. Word, Alessan. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/44 "2010-06-17T14:16:44Z")
I can’t believe people’s views on emotional/online cheating! A year ago, I found an email string of my husbands’ to another woman. They were VERY intimately bound, and talked over email/phone frequently. It was devastating to me. Not only was he LYING about this and going behind my back, but telling her he was divorced and even discussing meeting at some point. During this time, he never participated in family events, rarely wanted to have sex, but would FREAK out if I asked if something was wrong. He spent upwards of 10 hours/day on the computer. His excuse for all of this was that it was only “fantasy” and he was “bored”. He said he had cut it off himself (lie), and would never do it again because he just loves me soooo much! :dubious: I can not express the HELL I have been through over this, it was such a betrayel and to feel like you can’t trust your husband at all anymore, and feeling the sense that it’s MY fault. It has had serious ramifications. I’d almost rather found out he had a drunk escapade than this. I still hold it against him, I still haven’t truly forgiven him, and I’ll be honest - I’m always on the lookoout to do it back to him. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/45 "2010-06-17T14:49:48Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > I still hold it against him, I still haven’t truly forgiven him, and I’ll be honest - I’m always on the lookoout to do it back to him. So… Why the hell are you still married? Just so you can have the opportunity to hurt him back before you divorce? Work through it or DTMFA. What you’re doing right now isn’t healthy for either of you. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/46 "2010-06-17T15:18:47Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > So… Why the hell are you still married? Just so you can have the opportunity to hurt him back before you divorce? Work through it or DTMFA. What you’re doing right now isn’t healthy for either of you. Kids/finances/and I suppose I still love the oily bohunk. We have no plans to divorce, just sayin’ if the opportunity arose… well… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/47 "2010-06-17T21:35:13Z")
I’d have an even easier time forgiving the drunken sex if it had been with a stranger rather than a colleague he’d see again (and again). Of the choices given though, #1 would be easiest. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/48 "2010-06-18T03:21:53Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > Kids/finances/and I suppose I still love the oily bohunk. We have no plans to divorce, just sayin’ if the opportunity arose… well… 😛 If you’re always on the lookout for an opportunity to cheat on him I’m not sure how much you can love him. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/49 "2010-06-18T08:19:40Z")
I assume this “Emotional infidelity” you speak of is some sort of weird code speak that only women can understand. Seriously, WTF? I’ve had to break up with certain girls because they couldn’t handle some of the close relationships I’ve had with some of my female friends. :dubious: Anyway, I voted cyber sex for the same reason others have said up thread. It’s too funny to get mad at. But hey, I guess it’s no more funny than 90% of the porn I beat off to. [shrug] ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/50 "2010-06-18T10:17:08Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I assume this “Emotional infidelity” you speak of is some sort of weird code speak that only women can understand. :: checks penis :: Nope. I understand what it means, and I’m a dude. ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/51 "2010-06-18T16:59:26Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > :: checks penis :: > > Nope. I understand what it means, and I’m a dude. Yeah, guy here, too, and as I said upthread, before I experienced it, I thought it was just some silly thing. Having actually experienced it, it sucks. To have someone effectively shut you out of their life and share everything with someone else is simply no fun. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/52 "2010-06-21T21:28:08Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Seriously, WTF? I’ve had to break up with certain girls because they couldn’t handle some of the close relationships I’ve had with some of my female friends. There’s a difference between “having a very close relationship with a member of the gender you’re attracted to, but is not your spouse/SO” and “having a very close relationship with a member of the gender you’re attracted to, to the extent that you’re excluding your spouse/SO and shutting them out of your life.” ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/53 "2010-06-22T15:59:22Z")
For some reason, sexual stuff would bother me more than an emotional affair as described above (if it was truly a full-fledged affair where they were in love and making plans to have sex, that would be different). I’ve read this is uncommon for women. I would find the emotional infidelity as described the easiest to forgive. But I’m very intolerant of human error and might very well end a relationship over any of these things… if children weren’t involved. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/54 "2010-06-22T20:51:40Z")
The sober kiss is easiest, by far. As described, spouse is already angry, the other person initiated it, angry spouse gave into temptation on impulse, and presumably regretted it. Drunken/naked in bed: I’d be FURIOUS at my spouse for being stupid enough to drink that much. Any of the cyber / emotional affairs seem like even more of a betrayal of the core of our marriage: the trust and closeness we’ve built up over the years would be proven to be a sham. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/55 "2010-06-22T21:00:32Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > Drunken/naked in bed: I’d be FURIOUS at my spouse for being stupid enough to drink that much. Not to mention, I don’t see how it’s possible to get so drunk that you could do something that you truly believe is wrong. So unless your spouse was raped (which obviously absolves them of any responsibility), you have the bigger problem of not only did they get that drunk, but on some level, they must have thought it was okay to sleep with someone else. (I mean, would there have been any potential for them to wake up on someone’s lawn in front of a burning cross in a white robe with gasoline on their hands?) In my book, there are some things you just Do Not Do, and sleeping with someone other than your SO when you’re in a committed relationship is a big one. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/56 "2010-06-22T21:16:44Z")
I selected “two are tied”, between the sober kiss and the emotional connection. It’s not really a tie, though, so much as that I can’t really evaluate the emotional one without a lot more information: It might be much worse, or it might be nothing even needing forgiveness at all. Of the others, I don’t think that drunkenness should ever excuse anything. If you can’t control your actions any more, then you shouldn’t have gotten that drunk in the first place. And the cybersex and phone sex I probably wouldn’t have a problem with (aside from possibly worrying that I wasn’t providing something that I should be) if asked about it at the outset, but going on for months before telling me (i.e., not just a single indiscretion) is a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/57 "2010-06-22T21:35:18Z")
I have to admit–I’m pretty curious whether there’s any correlation between who thinks phone- and/or cyber-sex aren’t a big deal and who’s actually had any experience with either of them. Not curious enough to go to the trouble of making a poll, though. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/58 "2010-06-22T22:04:27Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I have to admit–I’m pretty curious whether there’s any correlation between who thinks phone- and/or cyber-sex aren’t a big deal and who’s actually had any experience with either of them. QFT. Somebody should make a poll. Anyway, cybersex can be very intimate if combined with other technologies, such as phone and webcam, and especially so if you talk all the time and start having an emotional connection. I voted for the cybersex, but only because I thought it was a one-time thing like the drunk option, and that therefore it was just lashing-out and mostly physical/revenge-motivated. If it was going on for months, I’ve have a much harder time with forgiveness, and therefore I wish to change my vote to the kiss. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/59 "2010-06-22T22:26:37Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > QFT. Somebody should make a poll. Anyway, cybersex can be very intimate if combined with other technologies, such as phone and webcam, and especially so if you talk all the time and start having an emotional connection. > > I voted for the cybersex, but only because I thought it was a one-time thing like the drunk option, and that therefore it was just lashing-out and mostly physical/revenge-motivated. If it was going on for months, I’ve have a much harder time with forgiveness, and therefore I wish to change my vote to the kiss. Well, start a poll, one of you! I refuse to; I have a few running already. Don’t make it public, though. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339/60 "2010-06-22T22:27:58Z")
I’m willing to start the poll. I’ll link when it’s open. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-acts-of-infidelity-would-you-find-easiest-to-forgive/543339.md?page=4)