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Throwing a drink in someone’s face. Yep, done to me.
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Walking in on a cheating lover, in the act. Yep, although they weren’t actually “doing it,” they were making out on the couch.
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A love triangle. Sure
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A great underdog triumph. Winning a trial against a huge corporation may qualify.
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A psycho ex. Yep.
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A cross-country road trip. Yes, several times.
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Blowjob in a car while driving.
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Threesome, orgy, key party, etc.
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Picking up a one night stand at a bar.
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Cops breaking up a party.
Something not listed that happened to a friend (NOT a friend of a friend) this week-
Finding out the paperwork wasn’t filed & he really wasn’t married. He found this while checking for his ex-wife who was seeking a Church annullment.
Combine a group of bored teenage males and a couple cars. Add raging hormones, childlike glee, and perceived invulnerability and then shake liberally. Decant into the parking lot of a large closed mall. It wasn’t preplanned; we spontaneously started playing what later was referred to as “car tag.” Lots of chasing and being chased in cars. Not quite a Hollywood car chase on the open road but by broad definitions …
That’s the rumor at least. I can neither confirm or deny.
I should probably throw on a couple 76s that have come to me:
- Riding in a helicopter flying nap of the earth with the doors open
- Grabbing a loaded gun in someone’s hand that was pointing my general direction. (It wasn’t with hostile intent or staring straight down the muzzle like an action movie cliche but it’s in the ballpark.)
- Jedi mind trick. A slightly modified version of “These are not the droids you are looking for” with hand wave that actually worked to send someone on their way. I watched that as one of the droids.
2,5,7,11,12,19,26,29.34,36,45,47,49,56,59,71,72,75
- Throwing a drink in someone’s face.
In college 30 years ago, a girl dumped a can of Coke on my head when I jokingly (and it was clearly a joke, as we were standing with a group of friends in front of the library) invited her to shower with me. She was a bit prudish.
- Flushing pills down the toilet, or booze down the drain, etc.
Done this to dispose of old pills and old alcohol; never in a “cops pounding on the door” or “I’m gettin’ this monkey off my back once and for all” type of situation.
- Running to catch someone at the airport/train station before they leave.
Did this in Japan after walking with a coworker to the train station and seeing her off at the entrance to her train platform, heading off for my own train in a distant part of the station, and then deciding after a few minutes that I had worked up the nerve to ask her on a date, and running back to the platform where I hoped she was still waiting for her train. I made it in time, but was rebuffed.
- Deus ex machina – a crisis is resolved by something which is unexpected and totally out of your control.
Just when I was on the brink of bankruptcy, I received an unexpected inheritance and was able to get back on my feet.
- Being called out of retirement (to complete a specific task).
Not me, but my father-in-law was called out of retirement to head up the planning for a new high school.
- Time travel.
Yeah, I travel into the future every single day.
- Voices in your head.
I have experienced aural hallucinations (someone saying “Hello” and my late mom saying my name) in that time between being asleep and waking up.
- Student surpasses (or defeats) the teacher.
When I started beating my dad at chess regularly. Neither of us was anything other than a hack player, though.
- Wearing a wire or bugging someone.
In college, my roommate had a crush on a girl and she once came to our room and was hanging out. My roommate had a class, so before he left just her and myself alone he surreptitiously turned on his boombox to “Record”. After about fifteen minutes of conversation (much of it about him, admittedly, but nothing meanspirited), I noticed the wheels on the boombox cassette deck turning. The last sound on the tape was me saying (as I lean in next to the boom box to examine it) “Hey, this is recording!” (followed by the thunk of me pressing the STOP button.)
- Dating the boss’ daughter.
The president of the company where I worked in Japan once offerred me his daughter for marriage. It was at a restaurant, it was the only time I ever met him, and he was literally “falling down” drunk at the time. (i.e., fifteen minutes later he fell into the bushes on the way out of the restaurant.) I never did get to meet his daughter. I’m starting to think he didn’t mean it.
- Barroom brawl.
Does having a drunk Japanese coworker berating me and angrily pulling my trench coat in tug of war fashion in order to keep me from boarding a train count?
- Threesome, orgy, key party, etc.
No, but if there are any attractive women who have “threesome/orgy involving an average +50-y.o. guy with a gut” remaining unchecked on their list, maybe we can work it out so that we can all cross off one more item.
- Cops breaking up a party.
Well, the police came into my friend’s backyard once when we were outside talking (about ten of us, in high school) and told us to keep it down because one of the neighbors had complained.
- Meet-cute.
I think so.
My first wife sat right behind me in my macro economics class in Japan. I didn’t really pay her much attention because I’m shy and I thought it would be unseemly (and obvious, and I was too cool to be obvious…Ha…Haha!) to turn around and chat up her and the other three cute girls that sat at the long desk behind mine.
However, the thin, dweeby guy next to me (in later years, discussing the situation, my wife told me that she and her friends had nicknamed him “Skeletor”) had no compunction about sitting backwards in his chair and trying to flirt with them. Since my future wife was a polite person, she would engage with him and laugh at his moronic jokes, (made more mornic in my mind by the fact that he was talking to these girls and I wasn’t) so I must confess that I kind of felt that if she was the type of girl who would give this guy the time of day, she wasn’t going to be my type, anyways. (Yes, I was young, and judgemental, and stupid. I know.) And those grapes, up there? They’re sour.
So, the point of all of this is that I hardly paid her any attention, and despite sitting in front of her in a class for two months, had no concrete image of what she looked like, aside from being pretty in the way that many college students are, being in the prime of life and all that.
During a week-long mid-semester break, there was a party, and my friend Satoru made me go. We found some girls to talk to, and one of them said, “I sit behind you in Econ.” Mr. Smooth (that’s me) said, “Oh really, I don’t recognize you.” Because I didn’t, and the concept of “validating a person by acknowledigng their existence” is way beyond my social skillset. Then, while Satoru talked to them as if he were a normal person, I played it cool by standing behind him and not saying another word. For like 20 minutes. Because I am socially inept.
Again, years later, after she was bound to me by lawful matrimony, she told me that after that party she thought I was the most arrogant jerk she ever met. But as the years passed, she realized the truth: That I am a social nimrod.
So, fast forward a few months to the first day of the next semester. Everyone has a new schedule, and I happened to have two consecutive time periods free, so I head down to the student cafeteria and find a group of familiar faces and sit down with them. A few minutes later, she sits down in the only available chair, directly across from me. We talk a little bit, but everyone is talking together anyways. Then, the first of the two free periods ends, and everybody gets up to leave for a class. Except me. And her.
With her sitting alone across from me, I was forced to “see” her now, and at that moment I realized how beautiful she was. She had gorgeous eyes, beautiful smile, cute hair, and she had on this white sweater that showed off her figure marvelously. I was dumbstruck. I mean, even more than usual. I tried making small talk, but that normally difficult (for me) task was made impossible by the wave of attraction rushing over me.
There was a small, cheap sheet-stamped ashtray in the middle of the table, and I stared at it with furious intent, trying to get it to tell me what to say, and giving myself someplace to direct my gaze while I was awash in the awesome glow of this goddess’ beauty. All the while, my brain was going “She’s beautiful! Say something, you idiot! She’s gorgeous, and she’s waiting for you to talk to her! Idiot! You’re missing a huge opportunity! Say something! Ask her something! Anything! Talk to her! Stop looking at the ashtray! Don’t be an idiot! SAY SOMETHING!” I apparrently managed to mumble a few things, enough to keep her from deciding that I was catatonic.
Again, years later, she told me of that moment that she was wondering why I was staring at the ashtray so much.
Well, that was a Thursday, and on Sunday, she called me up out of the blue just to say hi. Even I was not so dim as to fail to realize that she liked me. I asked her out the next week, and things went on from there.
76) Other (explain).
So, not to be dramatic (and this part is ten years ago so the pain is well concealed by scar tissue), but I guess my first wife dying of cancer at the age of 40 and leaving behind three children, two with disabilities, qualifies for TV/movie dramatic cliche. And then me finding another someone who was willing to take on all of the challenges posed by the kids and marry me, would qualify for the cliche happy ending.
- None; I’ve led a boring life.
Yeah, most of the situations I described are pretty lame, so I am still claiming this one, too.
Combine young 'n stupid with being late to the airport at 4:00 a.m. and a fast Corvette. I figured if I couldn’t use a muscle car to get the airport on time, what good was it? (Hey, don’t judge… I was 17.) Was doing 90-ish on the San Mateo Bridge when I blew past a sleepy CHP, whose vehicle lit up like a Christmas tree in my rear view mirror. I panicked… and sped up. My goofy calculation was that if I managed to hit the light right at the end of the bridge, he’d never catch me. Light turned yellow, so I just pulled over and waited.
He was furious, until he learned I was a young female when I rolled down the window to hand him my license. Long story short, after some heated and incredulous discussion, he let me off with a warning to slow down. My boyfriend, who was snoozing beside me in the passenger seat for nearly the whole thing (until I blew past the cop, that is), muttered, “I’d have NEVER gotten away with that.” He was probably right.
It was a different time.
I still missed my plane.
Oh, forgot to mention what was not quite a car chase but was undoubtedly the funnest ride I ever took in a taxi. A friend and I had met in San Francisco for a long play weekend and had tickets to see an opera at the War Memorial Opera House. My friend is a bit of a slow poke getting ready for things, and she had made us late. When the cab arrived, I tossed a $20 at the driver and said there was another $20 in it for him if he got us to the opera house on time. He grinned and said, “Hold on!” It was great advice – what a ride!! We got there on time – just – and of course I paid up. Last two people they let into the house before the doors were closed. Ssshhhheeeewwwww!
Well I guess I haven’t led a boring life but a lot of mine happened because I was an over the road truck driver for 34 years and a lot of shit happens in the course of putting five million plus miles behind ya. And my non working life is spent as a “biker”.
So I got;
Sort of a 5- I’ve had a gun in my face a couple times but it was over a drug deal that went sideways and a missing motorcycle engine.
An 11- But on a motorcycle. Short but exciting. Turned my lights out as I rounded a corner and rode into someone’s backyard and killed the engine.
A 26 & 33 combined- Got in a lease/purchase deal on a new Peterbulit with a guy who embezzled $81,725 and took the truck.
A 38 - only it was Meth and it happened too many times, which now that I think of it led to a couple 53’s and a few 71’s
4 or 5 56’s- I hitchhiked back and forth from Wisconsin to California and Wisconsin to Indiana between my soph. and jr. years and again between jr. and sr. years of high school and those trips where pretty much a non stop party.
A 63- But it’s not nearly as much fun as it sounds. Not much room in the bathroom that time and you got to be pretty quite on a Redeye or you’ll wake people up.
Now 64 - Only 3 times in a car while driving (my favorite was crossing the Golden Gate Bridge) but I couldn’t begin to count the number of times in an 18 wheeler. Not to difficult in a conventional (like most trucks today) but it was a logistical challenge back in the cabover days.
That brings us to number 69 (although I think this and 64 should be swapped, but it’s your list). This one is kindda iffy. I have been in many fights that STARTED in a bar and went outside. Some involved more then two combatants (I was, more often then not, the biggest guy in the room) and sometimes items in the bar got used for things they were not intended to be used for. (Interesting side note. As the biggest guy in the bar you meet a lot of guys with “little big man” syndrome. They feel the need to prove themselves against the biggest man in the room. Gets pretty old once you’re about 25-26 years old.)
71- Another impossible to count. Lot of truck stop bars, lot of biker bars, lot of biker parties. And unfortunately the unintended consequence of said one nighters 2 STD’s.
And 72- You don’t go to as many biker parties and biker bars trucker bars as I did in my life and not have some shut down by the po po.
But I am now paying the fiddler for the dancing of years past. I’m only 59 but have been disabled to the point I can’t work. I’ve been in 4 car accidents, one a total, 2 truck wrecks, one a total and been down with injuries twice and run over by an “I didn’t see him” asshat in a pickup which broke 2 vertebrae in my mid back and destroyed a knee.
So I live in a little trailer down by the river and with the help of pain medication actually get to ride a couple hundred miles a week. (Then spend three days recuperating.)
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Throwing a drink in someone’s face. (Well, I’ve seen people get drinks thrown in their faces. I was in a bar, when a girl threw her drink at a guy; it missed him and hit me.)
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Flushing pills down the toilet, or booze down the drain, etc. (I dumped the last third of a bottle of Johnny Walker down the drain when I got sober - and yes, it was really, really, REALLY hard to do.)
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Any shootout/armed standoff/ hostage situation, etc. (I was held at gun-point during a robbery in a corner store once - lived in a bad neighborhood at the time.)
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A love triangle. (I found a boyfriend of mine was seeing someone else behind my back. He dumped him for me, but later wanted me back. I said no.)
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Being called out of retirement (to complete a specific task). (Welllll, I got asked to come back to a job that I had quit to help out for a project,)
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Dirty cops. (Not a ‘dirty’ cop, but a psycho cop who thought he was Dirty Harry; he was literally stalking a friend of mine because he was determined to bust him for dealing weed; the cop did a completely unwarranted frisk of me once; he later lost his badge for shooting his gun in a bar.)
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Voices in your head. (only once, while I was tripping on acid. Sounded like a fast-talking, emotionless radio announcer spouting gibberish.)
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Stabbed in the back by an underling or partner. (I used to have an apartment and rented a room out to a guy who turned out to be a back-stabbing nut; when my lease was set to expire, he went behind my back and told the landlord I didn’t have a job, couldn’t pay the rent, and made a secret deal to take over the apartment from me after the lease was up.)
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Hiring a private detective. (One of my brothers hired a p.i. once as part of a lawsuit.)
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Hellish descent into booze and pills. (Not so much hellish as dismal and pathetic, but a descent into booze and pills nonetheless.)
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Life on the Road: debauchery during a concert tour or something similar. (I followed the Grateful Dead around for about a year - 87/88.)
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In vino veritas: a revelation or admission while drunk/high. (Apparently I confessed to a roomful of people that I was gay when I was smashed; I don’t remember doing it.)
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Wearing a wire or bugging someone. (Not quite what you asked, but when a friend of mine suspected a woman of breaking into / vandalizing his car, I helped him rig up a hidden camera to catch her in the act. She fell for it.)
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Barroom brawl. (Yeah, the pathetic descent into booze and pills thing.)
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Threesome, orgy, key party, etc. (Threesomes, an orgy, sex parties, nasty sex clubs - after I got sober, I had to do SOMETHING…)
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Picking up a one night stand at a bar. (Once again, the whole pathetic descent into booze and pills)
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Cops breaking up a party. (Teenage years. Happened a lot.)
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Wedding called off at the last minute. (My cousin and her fiance called off their first attempt at a wedding when the groom’s father died of a heart attack the morning it was supposed to happen. They got married six months later.)
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Other (explain). I got stuck in an elevator with a VERY pregnant woman once. I turned to her and joked “If this was a sitcom, you’d be going into labor now…” She laughed, but then said “DON"T JINX IT!” Fortunately, we weren’t stuck very long.
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Any shootout/armed standoff/ hostage situation, etc. - Not really dramatic. Was standing across the street when a car full of gang members shot at a rival gang member.
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A love triangle. - Not really a "love triangle), but I lived as part of a menage for a while.
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Dirty cops. - Yep! Several times. Haven’t been able to get any of them fired though.
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Manic Pixie Dream Girl - A couple of them. More of a nightmare, actually.
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Computer hacking. - Pretty much in the job description.
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Hiring a private detective. - My dad was a private detective at one point. The actual job is vastly different from movies and TV.
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Life on the Road: debauchery during a concert tour or something similar. - I’ve been on a concert tour, but my debauched days were at home, like getting a handjob on a public bus and losing my virginity at a movie theater.
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Police interrogation. - I’ve been questioned by cops and arrested, but never the full-on locked in a room interrogation.
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A psycho ex. - In spades.
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Slapped in the face by a woman. - Been punched in the mouth by a drunk cap driver. Does that count? Couldn’t get the corrupt cops to breath test him either.
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Blowjob in a car while driving. - See #35 above.
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Dramatic “I quit!” moment. - Yep!
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Threesome, orgy, key party, etc. - See #7 above.
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Picking up a one night stand at a bar. - A few, but never a bar. I don’t drink.
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Meet-cute. - Does meeting my wife in a record store count?
Let’s see:
- Throwing a drink in someone’s face** - done this**
- Running to catch someone at the airport/train station before they leave** - done this (not anything dramatic, they forgot their wallet)**
- Any shootout/armed standoff/ hostage situation, etc.** - does being shot at by the cops while protesting count?**
- Dirty cops.** - See bribes, below**
- Manic Pixie Dream Girl** - quite a few, but only as friends, never my love interest**
- A fugitive from justice.** - my sister was wanted. If you can call the Apartheid Govt. “justice”**
- Surviving a “terminal” diagnosis** - neighbour of mine survived a particularly nasty form of cancer**
- Computer hacking.** - had this done to a former employer’s systems**
- Reduced to doing porn/prostitution in desperation.** - known a couple people who resorted to turning tricks**
- Bribery** - See “dirty cops”, above. Welcome to Africa…**
- Loan sharking** - All too common, also payday loans.**
- Embezzlement** - Has happened at a couple companies I worked for - not by me!**
- Hellish descent into booze and pills.** - See “turning tricks” above**
- Life on the Road: debauchery during a concert tour or something similar.** - Oh yes!**
- Police interrogation.** - Briefly grilled about the whereabouts of my fugitive sister.**
- In vino veritas: a revelation or admission while drunk/high.** - This happens frequently to me, must be I’m a good listener.**
- Strippers at a bachelor party.** - Only at one, out of the maybe 10 I’ve attended**
- (Legitimately) crazy mom.** - Mine**
- A cross-country road trip.** - done this more than once**
- Street gang (or prison gang, etc.)** - I grew up in a gang area and some of my relatives were gang members.**
- Blowjob in a car while driving.** - yep. Not all it’s cracked up to be.**
- Barroom brawl.** - well, in the street outside the bar. Before I took up pacifism.**
- Cops breaking up a party.** - yep**
- Meet-cute.** - How I met my wife…**
I had to decide which person was the evil duplicate and which was the original, luckily we had a funny private joke to let me tell the difference.
Work out your private joke people now, you don’t want to accidentally shoot the non-replicant!
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Running to catch someone at the airport/train station before they leave. - Several times at train stations for utterly mundane reasons.
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Deus ex machina – a crisis is resolved by something which is unexpected and totally out of your control.
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A love triangle.
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Being called out of retirement (to complete a specific task). - Several times, though I’d told them when I left that I was available for emergencies.
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Underdog triumph - led my school to win a TV quiz bowl contest against a team everyone (including the TV crew) expected to steamroll us.
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Star-crossed lovers.
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Manic Pixie Dream Girl
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Computer hacking. - Does lockpicking count?
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A psycho ex.
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In vino veritas: a revelation or admission while drunk/high.
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Strippers at a bachelor party. - party, but not bachelor.
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Wearing a wire or bugging someone.
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Accosted in a darkened alley. - but not in a bad way, just weird. Jamaican guy stopped me on a dark sidewalk in Tokyo, we shot the breeze a bit, then he popped the trunk of car and pulled out a video camera to show me his homemade porn.
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Slapped in the face by a woman.
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A cross-country road trip.
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Mile High Club: sex in an airplane. -only if solo flights count
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Blowjob in a car while driving. -nope, reading The World According to Garp kinda killed car blowjobs for me, driving or parked.
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Sleeping with a teacher. - as the teacher (she was an adult)
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Dramatic “I quit!” moment. -Cub scouts
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Barroom brawl. - no but have been kicked out of bars for fights before they became brawls
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Threesome, orgy, key party, etc.
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Wedding called off at the last minute. - not mine, but have been present at them
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Meet-cute.
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Other (explain).
-Ring hijinks at a wedding
-Mad dash with various modes of transport to “get me to the chapel on time!”
-Spontaneous declaration of “ROAD TRIP!” before piling into a car and taking off on a multi-state journey.
-Getting in a car with a shady character for a business transaction of dubious legality.
-Behind-the-bushes sex in a park
I don’t know if it counts as a cross country road trip, as the country I lived in was so small it only took half a day to reach the other coast. But I have been on many trips through said country that took multiple days, and on occasion they’ve even involved tents.
Also I haven’t rescued anyone from a fire, but me and my family did narrowly* escape our burning home in the middle of the night, and we lost everything as it was razed to the ground.
And though I’ve never done porn, I did work in porn, which was pretty much a creepy weird nerd like me’s dream come true.
*My Dad’s hair got singed
What is a magical Negro?
Wasn’t #23 the inspiration for “Abbey Road”?
Haven’t you ever seen “The Green Mile”?
“Magical Negro” from TV Tropes.
- Our property management person embezzled at least $56,000 from our H.O.A., with either the help or the negligent disregard of our treasurer.
- Well, it was a bachelorette party, with only one stripper.
- Got resisting arrest charges against my then-husband thrown out by bringing in witnesses who told the judge the cop hit him over the head with a flashlight for smarting off to him when asked for I.D.
- Hitched from Boulder to L.A. Got picked up outside Phoenix by a bus load of hippies. No, it didn’t say “Furthur” on it.
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